Buying Friendship and Love.......

Sayfia · Aug 24, 2011

<r><SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>I’m engaged to a man who has three daughters, ages 13, 18 and 21. My fiancé is very close to his 18 years old daughter, Rebecca, who has been struggling these last few years after her parents’ divorce. Since that time, she’s been on a downward spiral and recently was put on probation for a DUI. I’m concern for her, and although her behaviour has been erratic, I wonder if my fiancé is enforcing her bad behaviour. <e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE> 
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>About a year ago, he gave into her demands to fly a 21-year-old boy, whom she lost her virginity, to Austin, where we live. The boy is from Mexico City. The result was they went out and Rebecca drank too much. She ended with probation for a DUI. She was 17 years old at the time. Rebecca has incessantly skipped school, and recently we found out that she wasn’t able to graduate from high school because she missed too many days (although she’s currently enrolled in classes at a nearby college). A few months ago, her father bought her a brand new $35K car as her graduation gift. Technically, she hasn’t graduated. But that didn’t matter. He argued that she tried. I bit my tongue and hoped for the best. <e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE> 
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>The latest in a long series of dramas is that Rebecca recently expressed a desire to have a girl that recently met as her dorm roommate. The friend is from a poor family and can’t afford the high-end dorm that Rebecca currently stays at, so my fiancé has offered to pay for her friend so that Rebecca will be with a roommate that she likes. More recently, there was a family trip planned and Rebecca wanted to take another friend she recently met, a nice girl whom her father would like her to cultivate a friendship. Rebecca asked if she could take her friend. This would have cost an additional 3K for my fiancé. However, the trip ended up getting cancelled only because the flight was full, plus there were only three tickets available, but because of the friend, we needed four. So who ends up paying the price? Rebecca’s little sister, who was looking forward to the trip. So really, money isn’t the issue here for me.<e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE> 
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>This has been a constant pattern with Rebecca and her father, who is afraid she’ll go off the deep end and get into drugs, alcohol again. So, he walks on eggshell with her and give in. He argues, however, that when you’re dealing with a difficult child, you have to pick your fights. So of the 10 demands she makes, he only gives into one. To me, this pattern of demand-and-give doesn’t accomplish anything, or does it? <e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE> 
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>I’m a mother of 3-year-old daughter, and I can’t see myself giving into these kinds of demands from my daughter. But again, I’m still new at motherhood. I would be interesting in hearing those of you who’ve struggled with raising a difficult, demanding and troubled child. When do you love your child too much? Is that possible? <e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE> 
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>My fiancé once said that he wants to spoil his daughters and give them everything they want. I don’t know what to say to this, only that when you give them everything, how will they learn to value anything? I’m at a lost ... I’m angry, not at Rebecca, but at my fiancé. She will always rely on him -- and sadly, I think that’s what he wants. But in the long run, how will this play into our relationship when we blend our families, especially if his childrearing style differs from mine? At the rate this is going, I see rehab in Rebecca’s future. Oh, wait, she’s been in rehab, twice. Now we’re just walking on eggshells for the next time. <e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE></r>

Squishy · Aug 24, 2011

It sounds like your fiance is an enabler, which means his behavior maintains her behavior. The real issue is why he needs to enable what is clearly self destructive (and expensive) behavior. It doesn't help that he equates this somehow as merely 'Spoiling' her...he undoubtedly means this in an endearing way when in fact it is much more literal! And that oh-so-tired 'Picking your battles' is a quaint rationalization for maintaining things that clearly shouldn't.

Rebecca needs some professional help...therapy..to sort herself out and show better judgment (Fiance, too!). Perhaps he can use her reliance on him to 'Encourage' this, and you can use his (hopeful?) reliance on you to 'Encourage' this as well.

singledad · Aug 25, 2011

<r>I haven't raised a difficult child, but I was one, so I would like to try to help. 

<QUOTE author="Lindengracht"><s>

Lindengracht said:
</s>He argues, however, that when you’re dealing with a difficult child, you have to pick your fights. So of the 10 demands she makes, he only gives into one. To me, this pattern of demand-and-give doesn’t accomplish anything, or does it? <e>

</e></QUOTE>

Unfortunately you only mention the 1 out of 10 things her father does give in to, which makes it a bit hard to really understand exactly what the situation in your home is. Are the things he allows the "small things", compared to her other demands, or are these simply the battles he had lost? 
 
I do believe in picking your battles when dealing with ANY kid. If you are going to make a huge fuss about every little thing, you will most likely only strain the relationship and end up with a rebellious teen. And yes - I think to a certain extent he is right about having to me a little less strict on a child who has already been through serious troubles. She needs boundaries, but when dealing with a troubled teen, you need to understand that it isn't easy for her to go from being completely out of control to being the perfect teen. It is a long process, and if you are going to come down on her for every little thing, she's only going to end up feeling discouraged and as if she can never do anything right, so why bother even trying... 
 
You mention that she has already been in rehab twice - from that I deduce that she has a very real drug problem, and wasn't just experimenting. That makes everything a thousand times more complex, because when addiction enters the scene, she is no longer in control. Even with the best of intentions, and the most loving father in the world, she may not be strong enough to say no. As Squishy said - she needs professional help. I know she's been through rehab, but is she getting any support at the moment? Is she in some sort of after-care programme? AA/NA? Is she in therapy? I may be jumping to the wrong conclusion here, but it sounds as if her father is making the mistake of thinking that is he loves her enough, and supports her enough, she won't relapse. Unfortunately, he couldn't be more wrong. 
 
Many say that addiction a disease, that the addict is a sick person, who needs treatment for his/her disease. This is certainly one way to look at it. The way I see it, is that most common drugs - pot, opiates, cocaine, etc - are essentially painkillers. People use them for exactly the same reason that people use aspirin - to kill pain. And until such time as the pain is healed, the person will need pain killers to function. Indulging her, paying her roommate's rent, buying her cars, etc, won't magically take away her pain. She needs to deal with it, and she's going to need professional help with dealing with it. 

<QUOTE author="Lindengracht"><s>

Lindengracht said:
</s>When do you love your child too much? Is that possible? <e>

</e></QUOTE>
When drugs are part of the picture then, sadly, traditional ways of showing your love for your child can be really destructive. It's not so much about loving your child too much, its more about not knowing how to show your love for your child in the way she needs. Rebecca needs love - lots of it, but she does not need co-dependence, and enabling her will only worsen the situation. I believe that one needs to find the golden mean, somewhere in between enabling and tough love... 

<QUOTE author="Lindengracht"><s>

Lindengracht said:
</s>But in the long run, how will this play into our relationship when we blend our families, especially if his child-rearing style differs from mine?<e>

</e></QUOTE>
Is it truly a matter of child-rearing styles, or is it just his way of handling Rebecca, specifically, that differs from what you would have done? How does he act towards his other children? Do you consider him over-indulgent in principle, or do you just disagree with his handling of Rebecca? I ask this, because you will have to consider how his "parenting style" will affect the way your child is raised, but at the same time, you need to understand that the situation with Rebecca has gone way past "parenting style". Where she is concerned, he is simply a parent who is desperately trying to save the child he loves. He is no longer rearing her. 
 
What I would suggest is this - Both you and your fiancee needs guidance and support. If you and your fiancee aren't going to make an effort to take care of yourselves and your other children, her addiction is going to take all of you down, along with her. They call it the oxygen mask rule - help yourself first before you help her. Because just as you won't be able to help anyone when you've passed out from lack of oxygen, you won't be able to to help your loved one if you are emotionally drained. Perhaps you can contact the rehab centre that treated Rebecca, and ask them if they have a support programme for the friends and family of addicts, or if they can refer you to one in your area. The obvious choice would be alanon/naranon, but there may be other programmes available too and it would probably be best if you can find one whose philosophy is aligned with the programme that Rebecca went through, so you'll be on the same page. 
 
Lastly - when you mentioned drugs and alcohol, my first thought was oh boy, she's pulling the old "if you're going to be mean you'll drive me back to drugs/booze!" trick. It is one of the oldest tricks in the book, used to manipulate loved ones. Both she and your husband needs to understand that he has 0% responsibility in keeping her clean. Its her job to stay clean. He can't make her use any more than he could make her stop, and he should not allow her to put the blame on him. 
 
There is so much more I can, and want to say on this topic, but unfortunately I have no more time now. I really feel for both you and your fiancee, and please, you can PM me any time if you have questions, or if you just need someone to listen.</r>

sweettartsarah · Aug 27, 2011

I would have to agree with the other posters who said that your husband is not being helpful. Children need discipline first, it is the only way they will grow up into healthy functioning adults. They need rules and boundaries, and consistent consequences if the rules are broken. I would seek counseling for your whole family and encourage your husband to allow your step daughter to learn to be responsible for her own behavior.

mom.w.no.kids · Aug 28, 2011

Your husband is only making this worse. Flying a 21 yr old boy out to see his 17 yr old??? Come on. Yes, he should pick and choose, but it doesn't seem like he's got it down yet. As a future step mother I experience a lot of the same behavior, where the father wants to give in to everything and I have to be the voice of reason, not that it always works. Keep on it and best wishes.

gbellsong · Aug 29, 2011

Yes, the girl needs professional help, but so does the father. Perhaps he is driven by guilt. Not for me to say, but getting to the root of the problem for both of them is a step in the right direction. The daughter will never grow up to be a functioning person in society if she stays on this track.

RegalSin · Sep 3, 2011

</s>I’m engaged to a man who has three daughters, ages 13, 18 and 21.<e>

</e></QUOTE>

Game over. 
 
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s><e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><QUOTE><s>

</s>About a year ago, he gave into her demands to fly a 21-year-old boy, whom she lost her virginity, to Austin, where we live. The boy is from Mexico City. The result was they went out and Rebecca drank too much. She ended with probation for a DUI. She was 17 years old at the time.<e>

</e></QUOTE>

You fly a stranger into your home, and does he works? 

<QUOTE><s>

</s>
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>Rebecca has incessantly skipped school, and recently we found out that she wasn’t able to graduate from high school because she missed too many days (although she’s currently enrolled in classes at a nearby college )<e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>

</e></QUOTE><SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s> 
 
She needs to finish the highschool diploma, or decide to do something with her GED in a two year school. Or whatever. The boy toy needs a job, period or needs to be in school "UNDER HIS OWN MEANS". 
 
<e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><QUOTE><s>

</s>A few months ago, her father bought her a brand new $35K car as her graduation gift. Technically, she hasn’t graduated. But that didn’t matter. He argued that she tried. I bit my tongue and hoped for the best. <e>

</e></QUOTE>

Yes she got to play with her toy car and her mail ordered toy boy, and now it is time for the car to far far away to some distant place until she graduates. The boy toy needs to get work or get to college, and into the working feild. Have em join a church, or something. 

<QUOTE><s>

</s>The friend is from a poor family and can’t afford the high-end dorm that Rebecca currently stays at, so my fiancé has offered to pay for her friend so that Rebecca will be with a roommate that she likes.<e>

</e></QUOTE>

The move should have been her being sent to the regular dorm room, with her freind. That is it. Not her freind being in an expensive dorm room.
<QUOTE><s>

</s>
 
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>More recently, there was a family trip planned and Rebecca wanted to take another friend she recently met, a nice girl whom her father would like her to cultivate a friendship.<e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>

</e></QUOTE><SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s> 
 
Who is going to pay her fare with credit, and then let the credit card company go after her. In which she will get a job. 
 
<e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><QUOTE><s>

</s> Whatever. Rebecca asked if she could take her friend. This would have cost an additional 3K for my fiancé.
<e>

</e></QUOTE>

3k could start a small business for some people. What do you folks do for a living? 

<QUOTE><s>

</s>However, the trip ended up getting cancelled only because the flight was full,<e>

</e></QUOTE>

Thank the Matrix. 

<QUOTE><s>

</s>Rebecca’s little sister, who was looking forward to the trip.<e>

</e></QUOTE><SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s> 
 
That is sad. hurt another family member, so another one can build a freindship based on cat treats??? That is sad. I know a family member who threathen their mom for being missing if she does not get a celluar phone ( crazy ). The mom gives in. 
 
<e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><QUOTE><s>

</s>This has been a constant pattern with Rebecca and her father, who is afraid she’ll go off the deep end and get into drugs, alcohol again.<e>

</e></QUOTE>

Damaged goods are damaged goods. One day she will wake up and realize that she needs to be in command of her life, and not lets drugs take her in. 

<QUOTE><s>

</s><SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>demand-and-give doesn’t accomplish anything, or does it? <e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE>
<e>

</e></QUOTE>

It is basically "I want it, I want it, or else I am going to commit suicide treatment" You should lay down the law and see what occurs. See how stupid she is really. I know many women who have ran away from home, and became doctors in a self-rescue effort. 
 
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s><e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><QUOTE><s>

</s>My fiancé once said that he wants to spoil his daughters and give them everything they want.<e>

</e></QUOTE>

If that is his wish, then let him be. Just don't let him drag the whole household down with him. I imagine you and him becoming dirt poor, and then the daughter just leaving one day, or even him leaving you. Crazy idea but that is how it seems. 
 
She eventually will have to stand on her own two legs. 

<QUOTE><s>

</s>I think that’s what he wants<e>

</e></QUOTE><SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>. 
 
What does he do for a living and does it reflect on his past life? 
 
But in the long run, how will this play into our relationship when we blend our families, especially if his childrearing style differs from mine? At the rate this is going, I see rehab in Rebecca’s future. <e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><QUOTE><s>

</s>Oh, wait, she’s been in rehab, twice. Now we’re just walking on eggshells for the next time.<e>

</e></QUOTE>

Remember if she goes down, it is her own un doing. She will eventually have to take responisbilities for her actions, or wait until you and the hubby are old enough to expell out of the house and into an old peoples home. 
 
Think of it like this. She is not planning to leave, nore her boyfreind, while she has the best of intentions of doing her best, she is not going to be flying out of that nest anytime soon. 
 
Your husband can leave also, along with or without her, However the end result of this behaviour is her moving the parents hollow empty bodies into a paupers grave while she eventually sells the house and *prositute the younger sister. 
 
* That is the insanity talking.</r>

parentastic · Oct 31, 2011

I am wondering if the OP is still around? Singledad did offer some really good points and I would have liked to see the OP's responses to some of these questions...

singledad · Nov 1, 2011

I also wonder what became of the her...

She came back and posted another thread after this one, and then disappeared without responding back again. Rather disappointing when you put a lot of time and effort into trying to help someone, and they don't even acknowledge that they've seen your response

parentastic · Nov 1, 2011

I know what you mean....

NoMamaDrama · Dec 20, 2011

parentastic said:
When drugs are part of the picture then, sadly, traditional ways of showing your love for your child can be really destructive. It's not so much about loving your child too much, its more about not knowing how to show your love for your child in the way she needs. Rebecca needs love - lots of it, but she does not need co-dependence, and enabling her will only worsen the situation. I believe that one needs to find the golden mean, somewhere in between enabling and tough love...

I think it is important for you to encourage your fiancee to learn the ways of loving his daughter without using up his wallet...again not that money is a problem, but that money is not what she really wants, and it will not buy happiness. Also it will not bring the daughter that he wants back...that is if she was ever there. Rebecca needs therapy. If he is going to spend another penny on her that is where it needs to go. He also needs some therapy to deal with his emotional guilt.

parentastic · Dec 20, 2011

NoMamaDrama, the above quote is from singledad, not me...

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Buying Friendship and Love.......

Sayfia

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Squishy

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singledad

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sweettartsarah

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mom.w.no.kids

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gbellsong

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RegalSin

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parentastic

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singledad

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parentastic

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NoMamaDrama

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parentastic

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