Child has honesty issues?...

[mesasa1978]

Hi!
So, my son, 10, has a little problem with being honest.
Now, I recognize that kids lie. Grownups do it to, and it's not uncommon. What worries me is how glibly my son lies and how often I catch him doing it.

Today's situation? I work at a school 5 minutes from home. My son is still on break, and so he stays at home while my husband and I work. I come home on lunch breaks and stay in touch by phone throughout the day. My son has been making a lot of bad food choices of late - to the point that he's gaining too much weight. I know he's growing, but I am worried that he'll develolp bad eating habits that will plague him long after he's done growing...vertically. I have healthy items in the fridge (yogurt, cheese sticks, celery, granola bars, lunch meat for sandwiches, etc.) but he also has some junkier items in the house (pot pies, chips, etc.). Today, I called to find out if he'd eaten lunch. He said he didn't, so I let him know there was rotisserie chicken in the fridge. He thanked me. When I got home, I discovered he ate not only a big plate of chicken, but he also had a pot pie. When I asked, I found out he'd already had the pie prior to the chicken. He'd lied about eating.

In fact, much of his lies are focused on food right now. He sneaks food, calls my mom and asks her to buy him french fries and hamburgers and chicken fingers (and she obliges since she thinks he's "just fine" -- even after many requests from both me and my husband that she tell him that there is healthy food in the fridge).

My husband and I are a bit health-nuttish, so I can understand my son's impulse for junk since it's the "forbidden fruit." However, I'm not sure why he's lying about it -- he doesn't try to hide the evidence. Any suggestions on how to help my son choose more wisely in the kitchen and to stay on the up-and-up with me and dad?

 

[parentastic]

I think you've got two distinct, even if intertwined issues here.
There is the food and then there is the lies.

As far as lies are concerned, how did you handle it when you found he lied? How do you and/or your husband usually handle it?
From his stand point, if he said the truth, what would happen then? Why is lying preferable - again, from his point of view?

For the food problem, I think that you could probably help the situation by sitting down with him, describing the problem to him, and then ask him to find a solution <I>himself</I>. It has to come from him: both the will to resist and change his food, and the the <I>how</I> he can do that. It would also help if you'd show that even though you and your husband are a bit of a food-nutty as you said, you are still willing to let him have <I>some</I> junk food if you both arrive to an agreement and he respects it everywhere, including when he is at grandma.
Of course this kind of problem solving, in which <I>he is the one</I> who finds his <I>own</I> solution, only works if trust has first been established. Hence, you need to solve the lies problem first.

Tell me a bit about what the dynamic is regarding trust and lies in your house, and I will be able to help, I think. Are there situation in which your husband or yourself lie to one another or to him - and he knows it? How is trust going on between each member of the family?

Nicolas, Family Life Educator

 

[Squishy]

LOL! C'mon...think like Ten for a moment: You're completely unsupervised, you're hungry, so you open the fridge and look around. What would YOU take, the celery stalk or the frozen pizza? Exactly.

Two issues here: One, supervision. If he's left alone, he's going to make choices for himself w/o benefit of your supervision and guidance. Second, if there's good stuff for Ten in the fridge, and he's given the option, he'll take it.

Think like your kid and you outsmart him. Think like an adult and expect him to as well, and you get a fat kid.

Solution: Provide more supervision, or limit the availability of the stuff that's not OK for him. But, don't expect Ten to show the same judgment and self control as you do.

 

[MomoJA]

This sounds like closet eating, which is a bit different from lying. I think the more you focus on his weight and what he puts in his mouth, the more he will want to subconsciously use it as an escape, a power play, a punishment, however he is using it. It becomes a vicious cycle that, as you have expressed fear about, can become a life habit.

I don't think it is alarming, but I would get some professional help with this. With closet eaters, everything you try to do to help begins to feel like an accusation or an attack or a control issue. Like I said, a vicious cycle.

Good luck

 

[singledad]

LOL! C'mon...think like Ten for a moment: You're completely unsupervised, you're hungry, so you open the fridge and look around. What would YOU take, the celery stalk or the frozen pizza? Exactly.

Two issues here: One, supervision. If he's left alone, he's going to make choices for himself w/o benefit of your supervision and guidance. Second, if there's good stuff for Ten in the fridge, and he's given the option, he'll take it.

Think like your kid and you outsmart him. Think like an adult and expect him to as well, and you get a fat kid.

Solution: Provide more supervision, or limit the availability of the stuff that's not OK for him. But, don't expect Ten to show the same judgment and self control as you do.

^^ That ^^

 

[sweettartsarah]

I have dealt with many kids who are not honest and I have found that it is absolutely essential that they face up to it when they lie. Do not let them get away with it or sweep it under the rug. Confront them every single time. After a warning, say that there will be a consequence if they lie again. Then follow through consistently. Also PRAISE honesty, even if it's not what you want to hear. I tell my kids that since they told the truth, their punishment for wrong doing will be less.