conceited...

MomoJA · May 26, 2011

<r><s></s>Strangers are always telling my daughter she is beautiful, more than strangers typically tell children they are beautiful. Aside from the fact that she IS beautiful (no bias, of course <E>

</E> ) I think it has to do with her being biracial. There is clearly a fascination with biracial children. Anyway, the other day, when someone told her she was beautiful, she said, “I know.” <e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e> 
<s></s> <e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e> 
<SIZE size="3"><s><SIZE size="125"></s><s></s>I want her to have confidence, and while I like to believe that I don’t put a lot of importance on looks, I’m realistic enough to know that it counts for a lot in a girl’s life. On the other hand, I don’t want her to be conceited. What can I do besides just tell her to say thank you? <e></e><e></SIZE></e></SIZE> 
<s></s> <e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e> 
<s></s>I don’t want her to become just a pretty girl. It was one of my considerations when leaving China. She got an enormous amount of attention there and she lapped it up like the ham she is. I didn’t want her to grow up having a warped sense of her own importance. <e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e> 
<s></s> <e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e> 
<s></s>I think we all know beautiful people who depend on their looks for a lot of things other people have to work for. You can’t really blame them. Studies have shown that we treat “beautiful” people differently. How can I raise my daughter to be confident without her putting too much importance on looks? I guess I mean how can I counteract the reactions she gets from others? How can I teach her humility? <e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e> 
<s></s> <e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e> 
<s></s>I already stress how smart she is, what a good helper she is, how sweet she is, etc. What else can I do? <e></e></r>

Xero · May 26, 2011

Smart, beautiful, helpful, and sweet?!?!?!? What ever will you do!! Lol, I'm just kidding. I get what you mean. I think if it were me I wouldn't necessarily try to teach her humility, confidence is SUCH an important thing to have in this day and age, and it will help her to grow into a strong, confident woman. I don't think I would even concern myself over muffling the way she feels about herself, even if it is a little blown out of proportion lol. What I would do would be to constantly remind her that the most important kind of beauty comes from the INSIDE, and that is what matters the most. The way you act, the way you treat others, what a good person you are in general, are all much more important than what you look like on the outside. Its great to be pretty on the outside too, but not the most important. I think as long as she has a good grasp on this, she should be just fine. Other than that, perhaps don't always focus on her and what she looks like, but point out beautiful features on other people too (don't go out of your way to pick the prettiest ones either, pick a little something on anybody no matter what they look like) and help make her aware of just how beautiful anyone can be, and not just her. Either way I think you worry too much and she will be just fine! Sounds like a sweetheart.

MomoJA · May 26, 2011

Xero said:
Smart, beautiful, helpful, and sweet?!?!?!? What ever will you do!!

She truly is smart. And she is in that stage when she wants to help with everything but really just gets in the way. Sweet? hmmm. At times she is. But I stress it very much because that's what I want her to be, and I remember my mother commenting once when I was still a teenager that children become what you say about them. She was referring to negative statements, but it stuck with me.

Thanks for your thoughts on this. You've given some really good advice. I never thought I'd have to stress about a child being pretty, but I sincerely do worry that she is going to become "just a pretty face" or unbearably vain. I was just an average-looking kid, or that's how I saw myself, but as a young girl, I noted that the "mean girls" were all very pretty on the outside. I don't want that for my girl.

The truth is, when I have those fleeting moments of objectivity with regards to my child, I see that she probably isn't stunningly beautiful, but rather attractive in the most basic meaning of the word. She attracts postitive attention. But the results will be the same without some effective guidance on my part.

yeojungi · May 26, 2011

I'm glad you are thinking about the possibly negative consequences of being beautiful. Sure, she can take advantage of her looks and live an easy life with some luck. But we don't want it for our children.

One thing I began to do when my DD hit 6 yrs is to read biographies of wonderful women in history. Although we pay a great deal of attention to women's looks in our daily lives and media, we cannot make a history just by being beautiful. Those biographies teach that lesson indirectly.DD was taken by surprise when we read about Eleanor Roosevelt and learned that her own mother said she was "ugly." Still, she was one of the most admired first ladies ever.

DD told me this year in second grade that there are some girls in her class who care only about their looks. And that looks aren't as important as who you are, what you think, and what you do. I hope those words are not just a recital of what she learned, but came from deep inside her heart.

mom2many · May 26, 2011

Give it a few more years and you will start to notice the compliments slow down, that's just from experience. Cole was a gerber baby, I could go no where with him and shopping became a pain so a lot of times I would leave him at home if I didn't have all day to spend running into the store to get milk. It was like that until he was 5-6 and then it finally started to slow down...thank goodness. Then there was Vanna, dark skinned, dark curly hair and these odd colored eyes that are grey, green, blue and a hint of brown but yet they don't fall into any category and around the 5-6 mark the constant compliments slowed down. Aidens eye's are so blue that people always comment on them (but he just isn't as cute as the other two..I know bad mom

)so it's not as over whelming.

I think once little ones hit a certain age people just naturally become more cautious about telling children who pretty they are for the exact reasons you worry about it.

MomoJA · May 26, 2011

mom2many said:
I think once little ones hit a certain age people just naturally become more cautious about telling children who pretty they are for the exact reasons you worry about it.

Thanks, M2M. That's encouraging. And I can totally relate with the shopping thing. I could never put my daughter in the front carrier facing outwardly. Any outing would take forever, and I really didn't have a choice but to bring her, so I was even more unproductive than your typical mother of an infant/toddler.

I didn't even know how bad it was in China because it was the only thing I knew until one day when a friend was with me. We had just flagged a taxi when a car going in the opposite direction made a sudden U-turn and pulled up to us to take pictures of my child. I didn't think it was that strange until my friend started commenting that she had never seen anything like it before. She had been in China with her son as long as I had.

But do you find that Cole and Vanna get away with a lot more than they should? I remember teaching the most beautiful boy in Greece. He was B.A.D. Not like students here, just the laziest and most distractable 7th grader I taught in that country. But he was very charming and would apologize and promise and give you a smile that would make you forget. When I first spoke to his mother, she begged me to not let him get away with anything. She said he had been getting away with stuff his entire life and she worried for him.

IADad · May 26, 2011

yeah, what M2M said, DS1 was entered in a pretty baby contest at a mall by his grandparents, on a whim and unbenounced to us. and he won like 3 different trophies. It does slow down, and you can't blame the girl for responding "I know" I don't think it's conceit, she's just being honest, she knows because she gets told all the time....The only thing I can think to do right now is to have some discussions with her about what that means. When she gets that compliment, maybe a better response is "thank you," and it's always nice to find something to return as a compliment (although at 4, I cringe at what she might pick out...."and I love your big purple pants...") But you can talk with her about what that means, and how it's nice to be thought of as beautiful, what does it mean to be beautiful, can she find bueaty in other people too? and what about introducing, it's nice to be beautiful but it's also nice for people to notice how smart you are or how kind you can be. "You'll receive many complments in your life, hopefully you'll give many too." can you go that route with her?

Jeremy+3 · May 26, 2011

We have always had such comments with our son Jack, the only reason it annoys us is because he has become obsessed with the way he looks. Sometimes when he has a haircut he will even cry because he is worried that other people will think he isn't beautiful anymore. If anyone mentions that one of his younger sisters are pretty etc or more beautiful than him he gets so angry.

We never say anything in front of the children we are really careful about keeping vanity issues away from them because my wife and I are quite vain, and we don't want to end up pushing that onto our children.

mom2many · May 26, 2011

MomoJA said:
But do you find that Cole and Vanna get away with a lot more than they should? I remember teaching the most beautiful boy in Greece. He was B.A.D. Not like students here, just the laziest and most distractable 7th grader I taught in that country. But he was very charming and would apologize and promise and give you a smile that would make you forget. When I first spoke to his mother, she begged me to not let him get away with anything. She said he had been getting away with stuff his entire life and she worried for him.

No, but when it comes to anyone but me they are really good kids, it's something I am told all the time. They are welcome at anyones house cause they are very well behaved and mannered..................at home their horns clearly show though.

juliekm · May 26, 2011

I would teach her the proper way to accept a compliment, which is a good thing to learn anyway, many people don't know how to be gracious when complimented. It is also a good opportunity for you to teach her humility and how blessed she is.

mrsims31 · May 27, 2011

It sounds to me like you're doing the right things. I think that 4 years old is probably a good time to start talking to her about these things to some degree, but I wouldn't expect her to understand right away. I would think that, with your careful watching and dissussions, she might get that understanding in the next year or two. I wouldn't stress too much over this, but I can understand your concern. Your doing a good job mom!

Domoviye · May 27, 2011

MomoJA thats one reason I like China. A few times I've taken my mixed daughter out for a walk she's been given presents.
Of course at 4 months she doesn't care very much, so I'm not worried about her ego. Once she starts to understand things better I might worry. But until then I'm milking it for all its worth.

teenage_parent · May 27, 2011

i am not sure about this but how about exposing her to philantrophic work early on for her to realize and practice the value of giving importance to others. if she sees others in dire need of help, maybe she will learn that as much as physical beauty is important (we all want and need to look neat and decent right?), there are far greater things she needs to learn like compassion. if she learns how to care for other, maybe that will balance it out.

does that make sense? i hope that helped

MomoJA · May 27, 2011

Domo, I understand. I started to expect it as well. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed it until we went to her father's embassy when she was about 6 months old and no one there said anything. I found myself thinking, Don't they know that they are in the presence of greatness? What's wrong with these men?

But my daughter, when people reached out to pick her up, would reach up and kick and smile. She was a ham from about three months.

When she got big enough to sit in the grocery cart, I'd turn around to find my selection on the shelves, and when I'd turn back around, she'd be gone and I'd have to go around the aisles to find her in someone's arms.

I did start to get a little creeped out when she was about 10 months old and a drunk man kept coming over to sit at our table and stare at my daughter. I don't know what he was trying to tell us because none of us spoke enough Chinese.

My niece and SIL were visiting at the time. It was National Day Holiday and we had been traveling. My SIL told my family back home that the best part of the trip was that my daughter was a rock star. We were mobbed everywhere we went. My daughter would just clap and smile and pose for the thousands of pictures.

MomoJA · May 27, 2011

teenage_parent said:
i am not sure about this but how about exposing her to philantrophic work early on for her to realize and practice the value of giving importance to others. if she sees others in dire need of help, maybe she will learn that as much as physical beauty is important (we all want and need to look neat and decent right?), there are far greater things she needs to learn like compassion. if she learns how to care for other, maybe that will balance it out.

does that make sense? i hope that helped

Yes it does. I was actually considering this and now that I'm out of school for summer, I've begun investigating what sorts of organizations we can work with. I want to be careful about this because when we did community work with my students in China, they had a very "lady of the manor" pat-myself-on-the-back sort of attitude. They didn't seem to be empathetic but rather pitying. I certainly don't want that.

Domoviye · May 28, 2011

MomoJA said:
Domo, I understand. I started to expect it as well. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed it until we went to her father's embassy when she was about 6 months old and no one there said anything. I found myself thinking, Don't they know that they are in the presence of greatness? What's wrong with these men?

But my daughter, when people reached out to pick her up, would reach up and kick and smile. She was a ham from about three months.

When she got big enough to sit in the grocery cart, I'd turn around to find my selection on the shelves, and when I'd turn back around, she'd be gone and I'd have to go around the aisles to find her in someone's arms.

I did start to get a little creeped out when she was about 10 months old and a drunk man kept coming over to sit at our table and stare at my daughter. I don't know what he was trying to tell us because none of us spoke enough Chinese.

My niece and SIL were visiting at the time. It was National Day Holiday and we had been traveling. My SIL told my family back home that the best part of the trip was that my daughter was a rock star. We were mobbed everywhere we went. My daughter would just clap and smile and pose for the thousands of pictures.

I haven't had any of that happen. But if eith the grocery cart or the drunk incident happened they'd see a very scary looking foreigner threatening them with death.
I can understand your concern now, and will pay attention to avoiding that stuff as much as possible.
At four months old my daughter simply falls asleep when I take her outside, and is totally uncaring about people. She'll look at them if they make an interesting noise, but she's off in her own little world mostly, which mostly involves sucking her thumb, spitting up on me, and looking bored with anyone not family.

robertg7 · May 31, 2011

My wife is unusually good-looking (everyone says this; it's not just me). She turned out ok, and in her case I think it has a lot to do with her father. He always told her how beautiful she is, but he was always consistent in discipline and never let her use her looks to get what she wanted. As a result, she ended up not thinking of looks as a tool that she could use, and this carried over into her interactions with other people.

IADad · May 31, 2011

robertg7 said:
My wife is unusually good-looking (everyone says this; it's not just me). She turned out ok, and in her case I think it has a lot to do with her father. He always told her how beautiful she is, but he was always consistent in discipline and never let her use her looks to get what she wanted. As a result, she ended up not thinking of looks as a tool that she could use, and this carried over into her interactions with other people.

You ought to work for Hallmark. That'd make a great greeting card.

To my wife
You are unuusally good-looking....

LOL

Seriously, I think you're correct, if we teach kid that their athletic abilities are the sole measure of their worth, they will try to excel at that and that along. If we tell our kids they are phenominally tallented at an instrument they will pursue recognition through that venue. So, it is all about making sure our kids know they are loved and that we value everything they do. The phrases we use are that we always love them, we'll always be proud of whatever they do as long as they are truly givig their best effort. We know they will make mistakes, and do the wrong things, and when that happens we dislike the behavior and will correct it, but we always love the person. So far that's worked pretty well when we keep that our guiding prinicple.

Janice · Jun 1, 2011

Feed her a lot of laxative brownies so she poops herself when hanging out with her friends. It'll mellow her down!

scoobymom · Jun 1, 2011

Kids are very self centered for sure!

conceited...

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