concerns about 5 and 6 yo sisters touching themselves and each other...

[momandmore]

Hello all. I am writing concerning what may potentially be a psychological issue. I know it is normal for children to explore their private areas as a phase when first discovered. My SDs are 5 and 6 years old and my husband and I have tried and tried to get them to stop. The 6 year old is now in counseling and the 5yo is still waiting to see her counselor.


I have done research on this and got different opinions and ideas but I didn't find anything that matches what I see here.

The 6yo used to do it every time she was under her blanket, then she switched to every time BM promised to come and get her but last minute, cancelled or didn't show up. We stopped allowing them to speak on the phone for a while and then decided that since she never comes to get them to allow the phone conversations as long as she doesn't make any promises just to break their hearts again. The 6yo then only did it when she was upset about something or she thought she was in trouble for something. She is a very emotional child and should have been in counseling long before now. The 6yo stopped doing it.


Now the 5yo is a different story. She started doing it more and She acts like she can't help it. I have to smell her clothes, blankets and hands every morning to see if she has done it. She has also used objects to touch herself and pretty much told on herself by trying to put the blame on her sister. one incident was a couple of plastic play rings. She told me that they smelled like the bad spot and said her sister did it. I could tell she was lying and she finally admitted to me that she had done it. She now does this on a regular basis. Well, on average 4-5 times a week.


The girls have been doing this for quite some time as their father has told me he knew they had done it before but didn't know it was that often. He works a lot and they were in the care of their mother, who would leave them in the house alone..whole different story.. anyways.

I do a lot of things with them during the day I know they aren't doing it then. Play games, read books.. I'm getting the 5yo ready for kindergarten as there isn't a preschool available in our area.


Some of the things I read were disturbing to me in the articles I found.
one said just to tell them to go to their room and do it.

THere was one that really caught my attention though..to not make a big deal out of it as it was a natural thing for them to do and I already knew that but I think our circumstances are much different than normal due to the history of how the children were treated.

So, I am going with Not making a big deal out of it, I just tell her to go wash her hands and then brush her teeth and then she has breaskfast and then showers.

I just wondered if anyone had any input, advice or opinions on this matter.

Thanks so much,
Momandmore

 

[cybele]

At 5 and 6 that is very much developmentally appropriate. Many, if not majority of kids discover that their genitals feel good when they are touched at that age. In my experience, girls usually figure it out before boys.

As for doing it as something comforting... well, isn't it? Don't we, as adults sometimes use sex as a form of comfort? That makes perfect sense to me.

I am unsure of what the girls background is, but if their past has nothing to do with sexual assault then I don't see how it would be hugely relevant, as this is normal behaviour. In which case, even if it did then it would be something you would have to tread lightly around because their own sexuality is something that they have to live with forever and introducing shame to that is not a good thing.

As for what I would do (well, frankly did, because all 5 of my kids realised that their genitals are fun around that age too) don't make a big deal, because it isn't, it is normal and healthy. Discuss the objects and that we don't really use our toys for that purpose because our toys generally aren't very clean and we don't want to be introducing bacteria to that area because we can get infections that way. This is a private thing that we only do by ourselves (and if 6yr old was picking under a blanket in her bedroom as a place to do it, then it sounds to me that she has that part figured out) but as long as we are washing our hands before and after then it's okay.

And please please please stop smelling the hands and clothes, that is very demeaning and will only make the girls ashamed of their own bodies and no one should feel shame over masturbation.

Also, just to add, of course they aren't doing it all day... do you masturbate all day? 4-5 times a week sounds like a pretty normal number to me.

 

[Xero]

Well, that does sound excessive the way you explain it I guess, but honestly when I stop to think about it, I truly have no idea how often my 5.5yr old son touches himself lol. The thing is, he knows he is supposed to do it in private and by himself only, limited to the bathroom or his bedroom as we have discussed it, so the thing is I have no idea! He might do it every night all night as far as I would know. Boys are lucky that way, I can't wake him up in the morning and sniff his hands for vag. lol For all I know he probably goes about it every night, wakes up every morning and eats fruit and cereal with his tainted hands haha. He does know that if he touches his privates, he is supposed to wash his hands, but who knows if he actually does. I don't make a habit of asking him if he did, I wouldn't shame him and freak him out like that. He knows he's supposed to, all I can do is hope that he does it lol.

Anyway, yes it is very normal. Before he fully understood, when he first started touching himself down there (And no, he was not abused, he has been raised in the same home by the same two parents his whole life, never even been in a daycare, only been babysat once in a while by close family members, very stable and safe life for the most part with an innocent background), I'd catch him all the time and all over the place doing it. Right in front of anyone or in inappropriate ways. I just kept reminding him that he was not to do it in front of anyone, and the only places it was allowed to be done was in private in the bathroom or in his bedroom. I just told him that it was okay to touch himself, but that nobody wanted to see it, and that it made his hands dirty and to wash them after. The only thing I was kind of stern about with him not doing it, was that I kept catching him on the toilet (like during going potty) doing it and I just didn't think that was appropriate or necessary so I told him to quit until he stopped.

Do you really call their privates "the bad spot"? That is really not a healthy term, genitals are an all natural, nothing to be ashamed of, part of our human bodies and should not be labeled as something dirty or wrong. Just a bad idea all around IMO. I would just do proper terms, or at least "peepee" or whatever you want to go with, but "bad spot" is just creepy to me.

I would probably outlaw objects, but I wouldn't call that weird for her to be trying it either. Just keep reminding her that it's not okay to touch privates with anything but hands, because not only are toys/objects dirty and can give privates an infection etc, but doing that will also make the object very gross and dirty itself, so basically it is just inappropriate and unacceptable. I honestly have caught my 5.5yr old (again, after he first figured himself out, he no longer does this stuff thank goodness lol) rubbing his privates on all kinds of stuff. Toys, the toy box, furniture, whatever. I have walked in on him in the tub with a mega block or other similarly shaped toys over top of his thing lol. I just explained to him repeatedly that its dirty and unacceptable to do that with toys and on other things.

I also agree with Cybele, sniffing their hands and clothes, that is taking it too far and shaming them to an unnecessary extent. Like I said, if they were boys you wouldn't even have that option and you'd never know. So you are taking advantage of the fact that girls even have a smell in the first place and going way overboard with it. That whole description really grosses me out, to be perfectly honest. Sorry.

I might be a little worried about the one doing it for comfort, that is a little concerning and I can't relate. Not saying it for sure means anything, but I would be worried to an extent and I am glad she is seeing a councilor to address stuff like that. I am just especially concerned because you mention they have had a difficult life, and I don't know what all that entails. Kids with difficult pasts should always be handled a bit differently than the average child with a normal, stable upbringing. So keep an eye on all of it of course.

Have you actually described this to their doctor and asked what he/she thinks? They should have a pretty professional, nonbiased opinion on the whole thing. Doesn't hurt to ask.

 

[akmom]

I suppose it's kind of like picking your nose; it's gross, so your reaction is to tell kids to stop. My mom always told me not to pick my nose. Well everyone picks their nose, and I still picked my nose after my mom told me not to. What she should have said was, I don't want to find boogars on the walls. So with my kids, I don't forbid nose-picking. I just tell them to do it in private, use a tissue and wash their hands. I suppose it's the same idea. You don't want to see it, and you don't want it to become a sanitation problem... so just explain it like you'd explain nose-picking, I think.

 

[momandmore]

Thank you all for your feedback. We don't refer to it as their "bad spot" I call it their pinky. Their BM told them it was their monkey and the kindergartener got in trouble at school for it.

I don't want to shame them at all. It was just different for me because my daughter stopped doing it at right before age 3 and my son around 2.5

I will let my husband know that we need to continue to go about it the way we have been the last couple of days and I really don't need to sniff clothes..lol. I can smell it when she comes close in for a good morning hug. Thank you again so much. out of all of the articles I read, I agree this sounds to be the best method, I just wanted some experienced advice as well. Thanks so much

 

[Xero]

and I really don't need to sniff clothes..lol. I can smell it when she comes close in for a good morning hug.

Well, I was just referring to this:

I have to smell her clothes, blankets and hands every morning to see if she has done it.

Hopefully it's helpful to hear other experiences on the topic. You say your children stopped doing it, well perhaps they did, or possibly they just learned to do it without you knowing or finding out, hard to say lol. I could say my son "stopped" doing it, because I haven't caught him doing it or found out about him doing it in ages and ages. I know that would be silly to assume though, because I'm sure he still does. He's just smarter and more private about it now (thankfully haha).

 

[momandmore]

Yeah.. I kind of think that's what the 6yo does. lol.... I have found this thread to be very helpful. I used to smell their hands when they woke up, I didnt' put that in there right.. I don't need to now. Thanks so much

 

[teenage_parent]

my father told me i started touching myself at 4 and he just told me to do it in private. he didn't make a big deal out of it. i feel you are doing right by not making a big deal out of it too.

i would agree that you shouldn't smell their hands, clothes and sheets.

 

[lolly jone]

i suppose you should consult with some specialist in this field
i remember my little boy when he get used to touch him self he was only two, and it all ends when he gets four
well, may be it's just my opinion that this is a little late age to do it