concerns over my 17 year old son...

[Hazel Carolina]

My son Jordan is 17 and he lives with his father and sisters (14) he stays over my house on weekends because of school but it's school holidays so he is spending this week with me (out of choice) he was at his friend Oliver's house last night (Oliver is 20 but they have been friends since they were about 6) and Olli dropped him home. but my car wasn't there because my friend Angie had borrowed it do drop Pheonix at daycare for me. and when Jordan got out of Olli's car they kissed goodbye. by kissed i don't mean like a peck on the cheek between close friends/brothers i mean on the lip for more than 3 seconds. i was horrified. i went into my room and turned on the shower so he would assume that's where i was.. what do i do now though?

1) he doesn't live with me full time
2) he is old enough to make his own choices
3) he is my son and i love him
4) i am scared to confront him unless it turns him away from me

 

[IADad]

hmmmm, I want to try to clarify a couple things...

You were "horrified?" Was that really the right word? Just trying to determine if you were shocked/caught off guard, or really horrified and repulsed? I mean you are certainly well entitled to your own views on sexuality, but knowing that is going to determine a lot about how you deal with him

Second, "confront?" Okay, I'll confess, I'm kind of a word person, so forgive me if I'm reading too much into things, but it sounds like you feel the need to confront, rather than approach or discuss.

I know this is all very new, and was quite obviously a shock to you, but you are right he's old enough to make his own choices and he is your son and you should love him. Your siggy says yourr children are your life, so don't do anything that's going to damage your life...

It seems like it would be helpful for you to get some perspective from other parents who have had children come out, and what they went through or from other adults who have come out.

Anyway, I applaud you for your first instincts, to not make a confrontation out of it, to step back and give things some careful consideration before acting.

Part of me wants to say, "why is this any different than witnessing him kiss a girl. If he has someone he cares about and is showing them affection, why is it even worthy of note? But I know that's just not the world most of us live in. We have our assumptions, we have our expectations and we know society does too. I'm sure you're concerned about how he'll be treated by others if/when he comes out.

For now, it seems like he isn't in any danger, he's not stressed about this, there's no need to spring into action of any kind, so my advice is to soak up information, then use your best parenting brain to try to process that into what steps to take next with your son. I'd seriously avoid the temptation to talk with anyone locally about this, including his father, until you've had a chance to get out of "re-acting mode."

Good luck.

 

[ElliottCarasDad]

what do i do now though?

uhhh, nothing?

IMO, its his business and if he wants you to know he'll tell you.

 

[Xero]

I would probably talk to him, honestly. There's nothing wrong with being gay, but it is outside of the norm, and I'm sure it took you by surprise. When we think of our kids growing up and having a life, we're usually picturing the standard man and woman and maybe eventually children scenario. So if I saw my son (who I didn't know was gay) kissing a boy, I would probably be surprised and for a moment I would probably be a little disappointed, mostly just cause it was not what I was expecting and also because I KNOW there will always be people that will not accept his choices. Once I had time to recover though, I would probably go up to him and just tell him that I would love him no matter what choices he made with his life as long as he was happy and healthy, and if his choice was to be with Ollie, then I am happy for him and I want the best for them. I would probably clarify that he should never be afraid to tell me anything, and that there's nothing wrong with the way he is and that I love him and accept him. If he tries to deny it, I would then be completely honest and tell him what I saw, not in a condemning way, but just in a way like "I saw it, and its okay to tell me the truth, you don't have to hide it".

I think my main purpose for talking to him would be to reassure him that there is no reason to hide things from me though, that's all. I wouldn't "confront" him for being gay, because that would just damage his trust for me and it would just embarass him. No matter what your thoughts are on the matter, its not going to change his mind. Let him trust in you and confide in you, and maybe he'll be more open with you. I imagine there is probably a reason he has kept this from you so far.

I wouldn't just do "nothing" though, he IS your son and you do love him, and you should know what's going on in his life, and you definitely have a right to care. Let him know that he can come to you, and that its okay for him to be who he is. That's what you can do.

 

[Hazel Carolina]

just do clarify by horrified i mean shocked because it's the last think i expected to see out of my window

and by confront i really do mean approach.

i actually do not have any problem with homosexuality and that is not my problem. it's societies view that is my problem. i don't want people to look down upon him and i don't want him to have a bad life because of this. we live in quite a small town and i don't know how people will react...

should i talk to him or wait for him to "come out" to me naturally? maybe he hasn't done it because he is just experimenting?

also. i have been doing research. in Australia it is illegal for a man under 18 to have sex with a man over 18 (not that i know or want to know if it has gone that far) i don't want Olli to get into trouble when this comes out. Jordan's father is a bit of a homophobe

 

[Father_0f_7]

Jordan's father is a bit of a homophobe

Maybe that's why he hasn't said anything. I honestly have no idea what I would do.

I know I would support my son and love him, as any other parent would. But I don't know if I would confront him about it.

If you feel like you need to, I wouldn't really ASK him, I would more likely say something along the lines of "I saw what happened between you and Oliver, we don't have to talk about it if you don't what, I just want you to know that I support you."

 

[bssage]

i actually do not have any problem with homosexuality and that is not my problem. it's societies view that is my problem. i don't want people to look down upon him and i don't want him to have a bad life because of this. we live in quite a small town and i don't know how people will react...

I will buy that. I think we all want our kids to take the path of least resistance to success.

I think most of the same rules apply as far a being safe. Minus some obvious differences. And initially would say let it go and when he comes out just be like "I knew that I'm your parent I know everything" But upon further thought since that activity is kinda covert (I'm assuming) there may be some additional risk simply because of its secretive nature. If it was me I think I would find a gay dude to ask.

 

[singledad]

I think I'm with Fo7 here - if you feel you need to say something (and I'm not sure if I would), don't say something that would force him to either admit or deny that he is gay. He will tell you when he is ready. He may feel ready sooner if he knows you will support him, though.

 

[stjohnjulie]

If I were in your shoes, I think I would say something like Fo7 suggested. I think I would find it very difficult to 'sit' on that kind of information. It would probably effect how I was treating my son and leave him confused as to why I was acting so weird. I can't think of a single person that I know who could see that and continue on like they didn't. If his dad is homophobic, and you live in a small town where it would not be generally accepted to be openly gay, he's probably feeling pretty isolated as it is. You don't need to add to that. Fo7 gave excellent advice...let him know what you saw, that you love him and support him no matter what, but just leave it at that and let him tell you what he feels comfortable with. Whatever you are feeling right now, just try to imagine how much more he is going through. It's a big secret to keep! Good luck!

 

[Antoinette]

i agree with everyone. i do have some experience with gay men though (that didn't sound good) my brother Michael is gay and he is happily married(?) to a wonderful man named Spence. and his best friend and a very close friend of mine Jordan is gay. (he is part of this forum... sometimes LOL) and he is also happily married(?) to a wonderful man names Andrew and they have two adopted daughters together... and are very happy...

i would say mention it but not in a confrontational sense. just tell him you saw it and you love him and then drop it and if he comes to you and continues the conversation then that means he is ready to talk about it and you can ask questions. if he doesn't then just let it drop because he knows you know and he will talk to you when he is ready..

as for Olli getting in trouble all i can say is don't tell Jordan's dad for him.. let him come out to him in his own time... in fact don't out him to anyone at all. it will not help anything

 

[Hazel Carolina]

so i talked to him. it went like this

Me: Jordz. i have something i need to tell you
Jordan: what is it?? i have to go out, Olli is here
Me: i saw you and Olli
Jordan: (goes a little red) What do you mean mum?
Me: i saw you kiss him goodbye, i want you to know i love you unconditionally and i always will. we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to but i just want to let you know i am here
Jordan: mum your going senile, i would never kiss Olli I'm not gay. i hate you (run's out the door, get's in Olli's car and drives away)

so i probably could have been more tactful but i just wanted to get it out..
he has been home since, but he hasn't really talked to me much he has basically just stayed in his room all afternoon. and is still there now..

 

[Xero]

Awww, I'm sorry that blew up a little. But you know what, I think you said the right thing, and I'm sure its rolling around in his brain right now. He's probably embarassed, which seems pretty likely considering the general stigma the whole world has placed on homosexuality. So he feels he should be embarassed because the world makes him feel like he should be shameful and I'm sure he has plenty of friends that make fun of gay people etc.

The important thing is that now he knows that you know, and that you support him, and he might come back to talk to you soon hopefully. Don't force it on him, you got it out in the open, and that's all you needed to do, now its his move I think.

 

[Mindy]

so i talked to him. it went like this

Me: Jordz. i have something i need to tell you
Jordan: what is it?? i have to go out, Olli is here
Me: i saw you and Olli
Jordan: (goes a little red) What do you mean mum?
Me: i saw you kiss him goodbye, i want you to know i love you unconditionally and i always will. we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to but i just want to let you know i am here
Jordan: mum your going senile, i would never kiss Olli I'm not gay. i hate you (run's out the door, get's in Olli's car and drives away)

so i probably could have been more tactful but i just wanted to get it out..
he has been home since, but he hasn't really talked to me much he has basically just stayed in his room all afternoon. and is still there now..

I'm really sorry about how he reacted, but I don't think it's that out of the ordinary for a teen who isn't "out" yet.

Can I just say though, that you are a wonderful mama! You really are, he will soon realize what a lucky young man he is to have such a supportive mother. You rock!

 

[IADad]

^^ what Xero said^^

If it had been me i probably would have stopped after "I saw you" and I would have never had the opportunity to get to "I love you unconditionally..." so I think you did perfectly. You've said what you needed to the rest is up to him. I'm sure if he is gay and not just experimenting and if he does come out, given what you've said you'll be among the first people he talks to.

good luck

 

[NancyM]

I'm just seeing this Hazel, I commend you on your approach. It must have been very differcult for you to do.
I have one son, and love him completely and if he was gay I would love him just the same, but I would be shocked like you.

I too would worry about him getting along in the world, afraid that someone might hurt him. But remember that he will be older, and I'm sure if he is gay he will have a very happy life as long as every one loves him the same.

I think you did good. I guess you just have to wait and see what happens next.

 

[Hazel Carolina]

thank you al for your help and advice and i hope that he soon comes around and talks to me, if not about the gay topic then just in general would be nice, i am finished on that topic, unless he brings it up with me i am not going to mention it again. it is out in the open now which is all that is required...

 

[stjohnjulie]

I think you did a great job! That must have been very difficult, and I applaud you for getting it out in the open sooner rather than later. I also think your son's reaction was pretty normal. It was a secret that he didn't want to share, so he's going to need some time to sort out how he feels about you knowing. It's great that you were able to tell him what you needed to say before he stormed out. He knows you love him no matter what.

 

[Hazel Carolina]

i still feel like i could have handled it better. i feel like i should have let it go when he said Olli was in the car i don't want me knowing to hurt their relationship.. if that's what they have