Hi everyone. My name is Mark and I'm from Connecticut.
edit: Wow, this is long. If you've got the time, please take chance to read this.
I would like some advice from a few parents here, if possible. I do appreciate your time viewing this thread. I wasn't sure where else I could ask for such advice, but I figured a forum geared towards parents would be a good start.
I'm 21 years old, and a sophomore in college (I'll get to that later). I have a wonderful relationship with my father, and an odd relationship with my mother.
Here's a little background information. My parents divorced when I was 5.
My father owns a company around here and is a pretty laid-back guy. My mother, not so much. I feel as though she is a bit overprotective/struggling with the fact that I'm trying to be as independent as I can (considering I'm 21).
Things have to be perfect for her. Everything. Her job, house, car (new luxury car she really shouldn't have bought), her children, her status.
It mostly started back in high school. I was never a so-called great student, mostly C's and B's. That was okay with me. That was not okay with her. She wanted me to do better (I didn't understand why at the time, of course
). She has to be in control.
She wanted my brother (twin) and I to go to ivy league schools, and come out making huge money, something of the sort. But that's just not me. When she found out that my brother and I chose in-state schools (a local university for him and a vocational school for me), she went berzerk. We're too smart for that. People that go to those schools are stupid. I've always been a "tinkerer," and wanted to become a mechanic. And I did. I did my two years at the trade school and left with an associates degree. I got a few of my certifications shortly after I graduated school (hard to do, most auto technicians have years in the field before they take their certification tests). I was proud, my dad was proud. My mother was not. She doesn't want to associate herself with blue-collar people. She's smarter than them.
I moved out of the house shortly after getting my degree. I lived with a few of my friends a couple miles away from the house. I paid my own car insurance, rent, bills, et cetera. I did not ask for anything. I was independent as could be at the time. Fast forward a year, I decide to go back to school. I enrolled at a local college to work towards a teaching degree. I picked a local school because I like the area, and I like to be near home. The school was not good enough for her, but she was happy that I was going to eventually emerge from blue-collar society.
Please, please don't get me wrong. I am extremely appreciative of my parents that they are paying for my schooling. I may not have gone to college at all if they didn't.
Now, my mother tries to keep me thinking how much she needs to be in control. I saved money all summer to buy a new car. My 200-thousand mile Toyota was rusting to pieces (all previous cars/repairs were paid for by me). I found a decent one and she surprised me by telling me that she'd help pitch in for it. I thought, cool! The cost of the car was $5300 after taxes. She helped with $2000. Again, I am extremely appreciative of her helping me out. It ended up needing a quite a bit of work which I paid for and did myself.
However, she likes to use this against me, which she does rather frequently. It had just stopped snowing, the roads were plowed, and I had decided to go to a friend's house to go sledding. She didn't want to let me because: "You're not going to go out and ruin the car I just bought you." Key words in bold. She paid 2/5 of it. Again, I understand her concern, however she likes to use things like this against me. The car is in my name, I pay it's insurance, and
Another recent situation.
She works in the photography industry and does quite well. Sometimes at photo shoots, if say clothes are being photographed, they will be given to the photographer because they can't be sold after a model has worn them, for whatever reason. She goes to work, brings home a jacket for me. Again, I see it somehow going against me, but I accept because it's free.
Now, since I work in a greasy/dirty environment, I don't bring said jacket to work for fear of it getting dirty. I wear my work sweatshirt. It's cold outside, I'm 21, that's okay, I'll deal with it. Never been much of a complainer. I thought I brought it to work with me, however it turned out I left it at my father's house, 20 minutes away.
I come home from work, she asks me where it is. I told her it was probably in the back of my car. "Probably?!" she storms out of the house and starts tearing apart my car. It wasn't there. She went berzerk, yelling and screaming because "That's not a F***ing jacket to lose. It's f***ing ten degrees outside!". I call my father, it's at his house. She doesn't believe me. "Get your father on the phone." I told her to call him herself if she didn't believe me. She did. Mood instantly changes from anger to contentness as if nothing happened. This frustrates me to no end, but I say nothing.
All that over a jacket.
This past Christmas (she likes to go heavy on the presents too, again, to show the "need") she asked me what I wanted. I asked for floor mats for my car. I got a Mac book laptop. Pretty cool, and I am very grateful for my parents to spend that kind of money on me. But again, it's one of those things. She threatens to take it away from me if I do "poorly" in school (get a C). I'm 21. I'm a man.
As I re-read this I realize how ego-centric this sounds. However please take into consideration that I am a very passive person and do not like to argue. She has an extremely short fuse and I rarely answer back because she will hold it against me for months. My brother moved out of her house in sophomore year of high school because he couldn't take it. They reconciled about a year later and he moved back in.
Now, I'm not saying I'm a saint but I am a good person. I call her when I get home from work. I wake her up if I come home late, to let her know I'm home. I tell her I love her, my grades in college have improved substantially from what I got in high school. I help out around the house quite often. I don't get in trouble, I don't cause mischief.
My first "real" girlfriend didn't meet my mom until 6 months into our relationship. When I reluctantly brought her to my mother's house, things are fine, but after we left, I found out that she wasn't good enough for me. Whatever that means (because she comes from a poor family maybe? She's in pre-med school, paid her own way there...).
I am terrified of bringing friends over the house, let alone a girl I'm seeing. Her moods can go from excitement to absolute red-eye rage in the drop of a hat. By rage, I mean throwing things around the house, breaking things, using words I've never even heard of (it can be as simple as a website not working for her, seriously). Nobody wants to hear stomping/pouting/things being thrown around while we're just trying to watch a movie.
Okay, that's it in a nutshell. She subtly told me once that she was taking medication for a disorder she has (I *think* she said passive-aggressiveness), but that was years ago.
I don't like things how they are. Again, please remember, I do realize that I could have far worse parents but I feel that it's very difficult to tend to my mother's needs. I appreciate the fact that my parents are splitting my college tuition they spent 18 years saving for.
She does not talk to her family and does not have many friends. She has me, my brother (when we're home), and her cat. She is single and hasn't been on a date (to my knowledge) since she divorced my stepdad in 2002.
I feel bad for her, but I feel that what makes her successful as a businesswoman (she does well) makes her hard to deal with out of work.
I had a discussion with my father about it recently and he agrees with me on just about all of my terms.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, everyone, and Happy New Year!
Mark
edit: Wow, this is long. If you've got the time, please take chance to read this.
I would like some advice from a few parents here, if possible. I do appreciate your time viewing this thread. I wasn't sure where else I could ask for such advice, but I figured a forum geared towards parents would be a good start.
I'm 21 years old, and a sophomore in college (I'll get to that later). I have a wonderful relationship with my father, and an odd relationship with my mother.
Here's a little background information. My parents divorced when I was 5.
My father owns a company around here and is a pretty laid-back guy. My mother, not so much. I feel as though she is a bit overprotective/struggling with the fact that I'm trying to be as independent as I can (considering I'm 21).
Things have to be perfect for her. Everything. Her job, house, car (new luxury car she really shouldn't have bought), her children, her status.
It mostly started back in high school. I was never a so-called great student, mostly C's and B's. That was okay with me. That was not okay with her. She wanted me to do better (I didn't understand why at the time, of course
). She has to be in control.She wanted my brother (twin) and I to go to ivy league schools, and come out making huge money, something of the sort. But that's just not me. When she found out that my brother and I chose in-state schools (a local university for him and a vocational school for me), she went berzerk. We're too smart for that. People that go to those schools are stupid. I've always been a "tinkerer," and wanted to become a mechanic. And I did. I did my two years at the trade school and left with an associates degree. I got a few of my certifications shortly after I graduated school (hard to do, most auto technicians have years in the field before they take their certification tests). I was proud, my dad was proud. My mother was not. She doesn't want to associate herself with blue-collar people. She's smarter than them.
I moved out of the house shortly after getting my degree. I lived with a few of my friends a couple miles away from the house. I paid my own car insurance, rent, bills, et cetera. I did not ask for anything. I was independent as could be at the time. Fast forward a year, I decide to go back to school. I enrolled at a local college to work towards a teaching degree. I picked a local school because I like the area, and I like to be near home. The school was not good enough for her, but she was happy that I was going to eventually emerge from blue-collar society.
Please, please don't get me wrong. I am extremely appreciative of my parents that they are paying for my schooling. I may not have gone to college at all if they didn't.
Now, my mother tries to keep me thinking how much she needs to be in control. I saved money all summer to buy a new car. My 200-thousand mile Toyota was rusting to pieces (all previous cars/repairs were paid for by me). I found a decent one and she surprised me by telling me that she'd help pitch in for it. I thought, cool! The cost of the car was $5300 after taxes. She helped with $2000. Again, I am extremely appreciative of her helping me out. It ended up needing a quite a bit of work which I paid for and did myself.
However, she likes to use this against me, which she does rather frequently. It had just stopped snowing, the roads were plowed, and I had decided to go to a friend's house to go sledding. She didn't want to let me because: "You're not going to go out and ruin the car I just bought you." Key words in bold. She paid 2/5 of it. Again, I understand her concern, however she likes to use things like this against me. The car is in my name, I pay it's insurance, and
Another recent situation.
She works in the photography industry and does quite well. Sometimes at photo shoots, if say clothes are being photographed, they will be given to the photographer because they can't be sold after a model has worn them, for whatever reason. She goes to work, brings home a jacket for me. Again, I see it somehow going against me, but I accept because it's free.
Now, since I work in a greasy/dirty environment, I don't bring said jacket to work for fear of it getting dirty. I wear my work sweatshirt. It's cold outside, I'm 21, that's okay, I'll deal with it. Never been much of a complainer. I thought I brought it to work with me, however it turned out I left it at my father's house, 20 minutes away.
I come home from work, she asks me where it is. I told her it was probably in the back of my car. "Probably?!" she storms out of the house and starts tearing apart my car. It wasn't there. She went berzerk, yelling and screaming because "That's not a F***ing jacket to lose. It's f***ing ten degrees outside!". I call my father, it's at his house. She doesn't believe me. "Get your father on the phone." I told her to call him herself if she didn't believe me. She did. Mood instantly changes from anger to contentness as if nothing happened. This frustrates me to no end, but I say nothing.
All that over a jacket.
This past Christmas (she likes to go heavy on the presents too, again, to show the "need") she asked me what I wanted. I asked for floor mats for my car. I got a Mac book laptop. Pretty cool, and I am very grateful for my parents to spend that kind of money on me. But again, it's one of those things. She threatens to take it away from me if I do "poorly" in school (get a C). I'm 21. I'm a man.
As I re-read this I realize how ego-centric this sounds. However please take into consideration that I am a very passive person and do not like to argue. She has an extremely short fuse and I rarely answer back because she will hold it against me for months. My brother moved out of her house in sophomore year of high school because he couldn't take it. They reconciled about a year later and he moved back in.
Now, I'm not saying I'm a saint but I am a good person. I call her when I get home from work. I wake her up if I come home late, to let her know I'm home. I tell her I love her, my grades in college have improved substantially from what I got in high school. I help out around the house quite often. I don't get in trouble, I don't cause mischief.
My first "real" girlfriend didn't meet my mom until 6 months into our relationship. When I reluctantly brought her to my mother's house, things are fine, but after we left, I found out that she wasn't good enough for me. Whatever that means (because she comes from a poor family maybe? She's in pre-med school, paid her own way there...).
I am terrified of bringing friends over the house, let alone a girl I'm seeing. Her moods can go from excitement to absolute red-eye rage in the drop of a hat. By rage, I mean throwing things around the house, breaking things, using words I've never even heard of (it can be as simple as a website not working for her, seriously). Nobody wants to hear stomping/pouting/things being thrown around while we're just trying to watch a movie.
Okay, that's it in a nutshell. She subtly told me once that she was taking medication for a disorder she has (I *think* she said passive-aggressiveness), but that was years ago.
I don't like things how they are. Again, please remember, I do realize that I could have far worse parents but I feel that it's very difficult to tend to my mother's needs. I appreciate the fact that my parents are splitting my college tuition they spent 18 years saving for.
She does not talk to her family and does not have many friends. She has me, my brother (when we're home), and her cat. She is single and hasn't been on a date (to my knowledge) since she divorced my stepdad in 2002.
I feel bad for her, but I feel that what makes her successful as a businesswoman (she does well) makes her hard to deal with out of work.
I had a discussion with my father about it recently and he agrees with me on just about all of my terms.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, everyone, and Happy New Year!
Mark
