Dad needs help with wife/son relationship issues...

[dadofsix]

Hey there. I am brand new here and I am in need of help. I am a married, father of six and need some ideas on how to handle an increasingly angry relationship between my wife and our 9 year old son. I should also say that I have an 18 year old son who also had/has a similar relationship with my wife.

For years, my wife and our oldest son, had a very angry, and confrontational relationship. It seems to me that they are very similar in personalities and often clash. They are also very stubborn and defensive. It doesn't seem to matter who says what, the other frequently reacts angrily and a yelling match often ensues. My son will often complain to me about how his mother talks to him. While my wife, often complains that our son is disrespectful and angry towards her. I feel like I am stuck in the middle and in a no win situation.

Since our oldest has turned 18, their relationship has improved. He seems to have matured some and things are less confrontational between them. However, I have noticed the same patterns starting between my wife and our 9 year old son. My son will react to something his mother says to him in a way she feels is inappropriate which then sets her off. She often complains to me about his "attitude" and his "temper." My son, will also complain about his Mom "always yelling" at him. I am increasingly frustrated because it seems they are heading down the same road. I have no idea how to handle this situation. I can see that they are both feeding into the volatile relationship, but my son is only 9 so I don't see him as being responsible for it. Certainly, he can say the wrong thing, but how did I get my wife to see that she is playing a role in all of this? I know that she sees the similarities in their relationship and the one she has with our oldest son, but she only sees the things our 9 year old has done to make her angry. How do I get her to look inward without it looking like I am accusing her of being a bad parent?

I am by no means a perfect parent. I have made mistakes and done or said things I have regretted. When that has happened, I often wish my wife would have called me on it or stepped in to mediate. She usually will not, perhaps knowing that I will often beat myself up for what I've done. I tend to be more vocal and have stepped in between her and our oldest son on several occasions. It also seems when I do say something, it comes across as me "picking on her." My wife has also told me that I never take her side. While, I try not to seem like I am favoring one over the other, it is hard when your children and your spouse are battling.

I have a pretty good relationship with our kids. My wife and I are different types of people and I think they relate to me easier. My concern is we have 3 other little boys and I am afraid of their relationships with my wife becoming similar as the other 2 boys. What can I do or say? How do I handle this? I am frustrated beyond words because I do not know what to do. It saddens and frightens me because I have almost no relationship with my own mother and I do not want that for my boys. There was an incident at dinner tonight that ended up with both my wife and my 9 year old angry and frustrated with each other. I want to help but I don't know how to go about it. Does anyone out there have any suggestions? Have you had similar experiences? I would really appreciate any feedback. I joined this list because of this ongoing problem and i'm hoping to find some help.

Sorry for the long rambling nature of this post. I am one of those writing off the top of my head kind of writers and tend to go on and on. Thanks for reading this far.

-scott

 

[BethInAK]

I think what you are saying that your wife responds poorly to these boys because they are yellers, like she is and she perceives it as disrespectful. Is that correct.

I'd send the pair of them to a child or family psychologist to work on better methods of discipline than yelling.

I also wonder if her feeling disrespected wasnt' the exact effect they wanted. I remember when I was 11 or 12 and I told my mother I hated her in anger, she said the following "Thats ok dear, I hated my mother when i was your age too. But I still llove you.". Talk about taking the wind out of my sails. Totally not what i wanted from her and since it was an unwanted response, i didnt' say that again.

So again, a psychologist can help your wife develop different skills other than yelling. And help your kids respond appropriately too.

 

[Kim]

I think what you are saying that your wife responds poorly to these boys because they are yellers, like she is and she perceives it as disrespectful. Is that correct.

I'd send the pair of them to a child or family psychologist to work on better methods of discipline than yelling.

I also wonder if her feeling disrespected wasnt' the exact effect they wanted. I remember when I was 11 or 12 and I told my mother I hated her in anger, she said the following "Thats ok dear, I hated my mother when i was your age too. But I still llove you.". Talk about taking the wind out of my sails. Totally not what i wanted from her and since it was an unwanted response, i didnt' say that again.

So again, a psychologist can help your wife develop different skills other than yelling. And help your kids respond appropriately too.

I agree - professional help would be the best help IMHO.

 

[Amber]

I think they need to learn to speak to each other. Your 9 year old is still young enough to learn that yelling accomplishes nothing.

 

[dadofsix]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I don't think that the 9 year old is trying to be disrespectful. It's more out of frustration. He feels that she is always "mean" to him. It doesn't matter what she says to him, it always sounds critical to him. My oldest son reacted the same way and also expressed the same things. There is definitely some type of communication breakdown. My wife will also say similar things about the boys. For some reason, they all seem to hear the same thing. I do feel that a lot of it has to do with the way my wife talks to them. My wife has convinced herself that the 9 year old is exactly like the 18 year old. She only sees it as being his fault. As an outsider, I can see it is a combination of both, but since she is an adult I tend to feel she is more responsible for the nature of their relationship.

The sad thing is my wife has been involved with "How to talk to your children so they will listen." She has helped "teach" the program on several occasions. I often want to say something about using aspects of the program at home, but it seems when ever I try to say something it comes out sounding critical. How does one offer constructive criticism to your spouse without it sounding like you think they are a bad parent. I think the professional help is a great suggestion. Of course, I'm not sure how to suggest it without my wife taking it the wrong way. I probably should be less concerned with that and more concerned about getting them some sort of help. Still, I don't imagine my suggesting they go to counseling would do wonders for our own relationship. Anyone have any tips on how to bring it up in a way that comes across less as a criticism?

I think I am slowly coming to the realization that my wife and I don't have very good communications skills. I feel like that as parents we should be able to easily call each other out and keep each other in check. I don't think that is something we do very well. We have been married for 18 years and I think we have fallen into a pattern and it's hard to break. Perhaps my wife and I also should go to counseling. Our relationship had a rocky start (pregnant and unmarried at 19 while dating for only 2 months) and I'm guessing there are some old issues that might have us stuck.

As I said, I am not the perfect parent, but there seems to be more harmony between me and the kids than with my wife. I don't want it to be like that, especially since we have 3 other boys (6 and under). I'm rambling again. Thanks for letting me do so, I think this is helping me as well. It forces me to think about the issues at hand. I think maybe I'll suggest we all go to some family counseling. Anyway, thanks for any additional insight and feedback. It's greatly appreciated.