Dealing with drama...

[Lilmetalhead]

I am the mother of 1 soon to be 18 year old girl (KR). 3 weeks ago we took in my niece (KB) who recently turned 17. Both girls are seniors in high school. And both are excited to be living together. My daughter has a tendency to follow along & do whatever others are doing. We have been trying to combat that since she was very little. So far we are doing a pretty good job (I think). She is starting to realize that she needs to be her own person & do what makes her happy. We have encouraged her to be passionate about something & she has chosen music. She plays tenor sax & is learning violin & guitar. She has band activities to keep her busy outside of school & work.

The problem that we are having comes from my niece. Her parents never married. He father did not want her from the beginning & paid no attention to her until she was 8 years old. At that point he only wanted her to take her away from her mother. He treated her terribly every time she lived with him. The poor girl has bounced back & forth between her parents more times than I can count. Her mother is an alcoholic who is a good mom during her rare sober times but mostly just expected KB to take care of her 2 younger (half) siblings. KB has a lot of issues with each of her parents. And she is a drama queen. If there isn't any drama going on, she creates it. Her mom lives here in town but KB doesn't want to live with her so she lives with us. She spends time with her mom once or twice a week. In between times, she trash talks her mom. And her older sister, her younger sister, her grandpa, her boyfriend, the girl that sits next to her in class, etc. Basically, anyone & everyone. And she trash talks us when she is with her mom. KR follows along with these conversations. This is creating a negative environment.

I had a talk with each girl individually this morning & told them that there will be no more trash talking at all. If they start to talk about someone in a negative way, they will be told to stop & then they have to say something positive about that person. My thinking is that if they are forced to see positive, then it could come naturally eventually. I asked my sister in law for support on this matter & she is all for it. Whether or not she will follow through remains to be seen but at least she knows what I'm up against & what I'm trying to do.

Does anyone have other suggestions to help stop the unnecessary drama? I did tell my niece that she needs to pick something to be passionate about & get involved in. She wants to be an environmentalist & I encouraged her to start doing something now.

 

[cybele]

Is it possible that 'causing drama' is the only way she knows how to communicate with others/gain attention?

 

[IADad]

maybe instead to telling and encouraging you could do more asking and listening? Not trying to be critical, it's a trap we all tend to fall into, it's easier to tell them what we think they should know than empower them by getting them to open up, think for themselves and tell us their dreams, desires, and then see us as a conduit to helping them become what they want to be.

If you can get some one on one time, away from home, just to have a conversation and ask her about her dreams, it might help her see how much you care, and how you're on her side.

 

[akmom]

Sounds like a good approach to me. I can't imagine that you'll fundamentally change her attitude, since she's all but grown. But it's some good practice in self-control and a reminder that gossip isn't the only thing to communicate.

 

[Lilmetalhead]

Sorry it took me so long to respond. Nice long busy weekend out of the house with the family

Cybele, yes it is possible that causing drama is how she communicates.

IADad, I do a lot of listening. Her & I get at least a couple hours a day when we are alone in the house & she prefers to hang out in the living room talking to me & watching tv with me than hiding in her room. I have asked & listened and that is how I discovered exactly how much of her daily conversation is about starting drama. I know that her dream is to become an environmentalist. It's what she loves most. That is why I have encouraged her to get active in something. I told her we would help her in any way we can & that when she starts her project for FCCLA & that I will be there for whatever she needs/wants. I asked her what we can do around our house to help her feel more like we are supporting her cause. I am doing all I can think of to bring her around to a more positive energy.

akmom, I know I can't fundamentally change her attitude. Breaks my heart to see a girl with such potential & a bright mind drag herself & others down with negative thoughts. She has almost no friends in school because she hates every girl she encounters & most boys irritate her too. She drove away the one close friend she had by constantly talking bad about that girl's cousin.

I guess mostly I was hoping someone would have another idea for me to try out. The stopping trash talk & saying something nice about the person is working for now. We get a lot of superficial comments but, for example, when she started in on her older sister her 1st positive comment was that she has pretty hair. 2nd time she said the same thing so I told her she needs to find something nice about her sister that has nothing to do with looks. She came up with "she gave us a blessing" (referring to my great niece). I know both girls felt like it was a joke at first. But I have been adamant about it & even made my father in law say something positive about the guy he was complaining about the other night!

 

[TabascoNatalie]

If she wants to be an environmentalist, maybe there is some sort of community project or affinity groups in your area? Where she could volunteer and make friends?
School is often like that -- people are pushed together who probably don't want anything to do with each other.

 

[Lilmetalhead]

There isn't really anything in this area, sadly. (Small town in the middle of nowhere Nebraska) She talked about starting an environmental club at school since there isn't one. She decided against it because she doesn't wanna "deal with all the b*!ches that would join the club." She has chosen to do the FCCLA project instead of starting the club.

 

[Lilmetalhead]

Thought I'd give an update.

The trash talking has slowed down some. It still happens on a daily basis but instead of being the only way to start a conversation, it now comes in the middle of conversations. We are still making them stop & say something nice about the person. It is definitely going slow but improving all the same. KB is still not willing to start a club but is getting very excited about her FCCLA project.

I am currently taking care of a friend's 5 year old. She has been here for a week & will be here for awhile longer. Possibly another 2 months. J has given us all something new to focus on. She is a handful. Tons of energy & a very curious mind. Both girls are enjoying watching Disney movies with her, coloring with her & helping to teach her her abc's & 123's. Yesterday KB & I took her to the park & KB got good & worn out playing with her.

 

[Andrew W.]

I was going to respond to this before, but then my computer crashed, and I got to thinking maybe I don't really know anything.

I have recently discovered how at a loss I am in dealing with this age. They will do what they want to do, and you can't really stop them. Right now what I think is that you have to let them make their own mistakes, let them know where you stand and what you believe in, and that you will be there for them.

Her mom lives here in town but KB doesn't want to live with her so she lives with us.

Your niece is essentially an adult staying with you for her senior year of high school. You can be a role model for her, but you aren't going to be able to change her or fix her life for her. She will have to do that herself.

Make it clear what the guidelines are for living in your household. If she can't stick to them, she can go home. Because she is there because she wants to be there, it gives you some leverage you wouldn't have with your own daughter.

If they start to talk about someone in a negative way, they will be told to stop & then they have to say something positive about that person. My thinking is that if they are forced to see positive, then it could come naturally eventually.

This sound good in theory, although forcing them to say something positive might not be quite the right track. Forcing anything rarely is, and they could just make something up.

Maybe if you just stopped everything and had a serious conversation with them about the person they are talking about whenever this happened (essentially the same as forcing them to say something nice, but less authoritarian and more conducive to thinking about things) it would work better. Discuss what might be motivating them, what your niece and daughter could do for them. Let them know that it is okay to avoid people they don't like, but not to be mean to them, either in their presence or away from it. Let your daughter know she is going to have to help her cousin in this by leading with her example, because her cousin hasn't been as fortunate being raised. Your daughter is really the one who is in a position to influence your niece directly.

You might even go as far as getting all three of you to sit down and hammer out a list of guidelines for charitable gossip, what kind of things are okay to say about someone, what kind of feelings are better off left unsaid, and what effects this kind of talk has on the person spoken about.

It sounds like your niece realizes that what she is doing isn't good, and it is just a bad habit that she grew into, like biting her nails. Maybe when you watch TV with her you can look at the characters and talk about them and what you like about them, and what makes them seem real. A lot of what makes a fictional character real is that they have both good and bad things about them, and discussing fictional characters might make it easier for her to see what she is doing, since any bad thing about a fictional character isn't going to get anyone upset. Maybe have her imagine speaking with one of the characters.

By imagining what she might say to a fictional character, she can think about the issue without any real-life feelings getting in the way.