Hello everyone,
I have a hard time bonding/feeling love for my second child, and I am writing this to see if anyone has any suggestions about what I should do about it, or if anyone has been through this situation before. Please do not judge me for being or feeling this way, I am only being open. I feel uncomfortable about these feelings but they are the way I feel even if they may be wrong.
Forgive me if this post may seem somewhat wordy, but I obviously need to explain myself as to why I feel what I feel in this present situation.
I am the father of two young boys, 3 1/2 and 2. I am currently separated, though never married. I was very happy when our first child was born, and toward him today I often feel love-drunk.
Coming up to our first child's second year however, his mother and I were going through a very rocky relationship, with many break-ups, arguments, and moving ins and out.
As this was certainly not the time to have a second child, and as she did not want to use contraception pills, I used contraception myself. Only several times (I think once or twice), when she told me she was not in any ovulating phase, did I not use it, and so was I very much surprised when she announced to me one day she was pregnant again.
I felt entrapped. I was very upset that in our financial and emotional situation at the time, she could get pregnant again. With all our arguing and the uncertainty in our relationship, we were going to have a second child!
Today we are separated, and find myself in difficult professional and housing arrangements which do not allow me to care for the children as I would want. I basically do not have any room to bring a child to stay with me, let alone two. So two children instead of one has really made it difficult for me, especially financially. I feel that Having a second child has in some way made it more difficult for me to care as I should for one.
I do not know today if she was conscious about getting pregnant but it really is not important any more. Today I feel lingering resentment about her second pregnancy, and as much as I try I am not over it! I feel horrible about this because these feelings transfer to my second child and he has nothing to do with it. Nevertheless these feelings are there and they don't go, and have not gotten, away. It's as if when I look at my second child I feel this resentment inside. I can reason that these feelings are WRONG, it does not matter because you cannot reason a feeling. I connect much with my first child, but not so much with my second. I feel I am irredeemably traumatizing my second child because of my feelings, but what can you do against a feeling? I try as hard as I can to treat them both in the same loving manner, and to tell my second child every chance I get that I love him, it's just that my affection just seems to naturally go to my first-born. Sometimes I look at my second child and I feel anger towards him, for no apparent reason. This feeling even sometimes takes the shape in a small form of dislike, which I feel powerless to overcome, and which gets me angry against myself. In addition I believe such a feeling is prejudicial to my first child since all I show in being this way is conditional love.
These feelings are disturbing to me and I just wanted to bring them out in the open, so please do not judge me.
I have a hard time bonding/feeling love for my second child, and I am writing this to see if anyone has any suggestions about what I should do about it, or if anyone has been through this situation before. Please do not judge me for being or feeling this way, I am only being open. I feel uncomfortable about these feelings but they are the way I feel even if they may be wrong.
Forgive me if this post may seem somewhat wordy, but I obviously need to explain myself as to why I feel what I feel in this present situation.
I am the father of two young boys, 3 1/2 and 2. I am currently separated, though never married. I was very happy when our first child was born, and toward him today I often feel love-drunk.
Coming up to our first child's second year however, his mother and I were going through a very rocky relationship, with many break-ups, arguments, and moving ins and out.
As this was certainly not the time to have a second child, and as she did not want to use contraception pills, I used contraception myself. Only several times (I think once or twice), when she told me she was not in any ovulating phase, did I not use it, and so was I very much surprised when she announced to me one day she was pregnant again.
I felt entrapped. I was very upset that in our financial and emotional situation at the time, she could get pregnant again. With all our arguing and the uncertainty in our relationship, we were going to have a second child!
Today we are separated, and find myself in difficult professional and housing arrangements which do not allow me to care for the children as I would want. I basically do not have any room to bring a child to stay with me, let alone two. So two children instead of one has really made it difficult for me, especially financially. I feel that Having a second child has in some way made it more difficult for me to care as I should for one.
I do not know today if she was conscious about getting pregnant but it really is not important any more. Today I feel lingering resentment about her second pregnancy, and as much as I try I am not over it! I feel horrible about this because these feelings transfer to my second child and he has nothing to do with it. Nevertheless these feelings are there and they don't go, and have not gotten, away. It's as if when I look at my second child I feel this resentment inside. I can reason that these feelings are WRONG, it does not matter because you cannot reason a feeling. I connect much with my first child, but not so much with my second. I feel I am irredeemably traumatizing my second child because of my feelings, but what can you do against a feeling? I try as hard as I can to treat them both in the same loving manner, and to tell my second child every chance I get that I love him, it's just that my affection just seems to naturally go to my first-born. Sometimes I look at my second child and I feel anger towards him, for no apparent reason. This feeling even sometimes takes the shape in a small form of dislike, which I feel powerless to overcome, and which gets me angry against myself. In addition I believe such a feeling is prejudicial to my first child since all I show in being this way is conditional love.
These feelings are disturbing to me and I just wanted to bring them out in the open, so please do not judge me.
