Disciplining Other Parents' Children...

[Scott]

I was just wondering what other people's opinions were on disciplining children (specifically teens) that are not your own. I have two teenage sons, and often they have one or more of their friends over at our house. If I find one of them misbehaving, do I have a right to discipline them just as I would my own child?

 

[stjohnjulie]

Hmmm... I guess that is hard to say without knowing the situation. Are you talking about something specific?

 

[IADad]

well, I think you have an obligation to correct them and if they don't respond they can gbe welcomed home.

I was privy to a situation over the weekend. I was camped out at the soccer tournament we were at. Me, my son and 3 of his team mates, just hanging out waiting for their next game. One of the boys older brothers came by and started trouble. He was going to throw one of the other kids' shoes. When he did, I told him he needed to go get it, the little f&^$er just stared me down. Well his little brother went and got the shoe for the other kid. At that point I decided to ignoe the kid you obviously wanted attention, but decided if he pulled anything else, he was getting the choice of leaving to go be where his father was, or I'd walk him to his father.

His dad found out about his behavior and asked me about it, I filled him in and he encouraged me to follow through with his son if I was ever in the situation again. It's weird, they're good parents and the kids are good albeit a bit high strung, but each (3) of them get really attitudy like this from time to time, I don't get the full dynamic. Seems like maybe they just crave attention.

 

[Coolmomof3boys]

I had to discipline my sons friend once

 

[Scott]

Thanks for weighing in everyone.

Hmmm... I guess that is hard to say without knowing the situation. Are you talking about something specific?

I guess I really intended this to be more of a hypothetical question, but I'll give a quick example.

When my older son was 13, he had one of his classmates over just to hang out. They were in the basement playing video games when my son got a phone call from his gf I believe. So he went upstairs to take the call and left his friend alone for a while. We have two computers in the basement. One is the family computer which anyone can use, and one is my work computer which no one is to touch but me. Well our family computer was being repaired so only my work computer was there that day. Apparently my son's friend got bored and decided to use it. Not only that, but he downloaded some kind of game with a bunch of software that I had a heck of a time getting rid of (I seriously thought I had a virus at first). Needless to say this was very upsetting because it was my work computer. And I'm sure he knew he wasn't supposed to touch it, as he is over our house enough to know the rules. He's a really good kid, but he just made a bad decision. At any rate, when I found what he had done, I reprimanded him and he acknowledged his wrongdoing. At that point, I was unsure of what I could or should do (since I was dealing with a child other than my own), so I just kind of let him go. He went upstairs to hang out with my son again, and the day moved on as though nothing had happened.

Now, if it were my son, I would have handled things differently. After reprimanding him, I would have given him a more "formal" punishment. Maybe I would ground him for a few days. Since I was in an unfamiliar situation dealing with my son's friend, I didn't follow through with anything like that.

Hopefully this example helps to clarify the question a bit. If I feel that someone else's son needs to be disciplined (as in the story above), do I have the right to do it?

 

[NancyM]

Good question Scott.

If the child is in your house, I think it's fine if you can say something to him or her about their unacceptable behavior. I wouldn't go any further than that. For example if that child is acting aggressive you can tell him to stop or best idea would be to send him home.

Of course it depends on the age too. A small child should be reprimanded verbally, since they could get hurt more easily and you'd be responsible. An older kid is a little different, I would probably call my son into another room to let him know I don't like what's going on and for him to handle it.

If my son couldn't handle it, I'd intervene. Again in your home you are responsible if someone got hurt. In the past, I found once I told my son to do something about the kid, the nonsense stopped. But I or my husband wouldn't hesitate to tell the kid to leave if he was over obnoxious.

Of course no physical punishment is acceptable to someone else's child.

 

[IADad]

I think you handled that situation well, you can't really do much more than correct the offending behavior. If something is more serious, I'd probably send him home and inform the parents. If the offense was with both of them I could see them seerving out a group time without screens, doing a chore to make ammends, but you can't deliver any phyiscal punishment and if he doesn't accept your authority then it'd have to route through his parents.

I bet you lock the screen on your work computer now, eh?

 

[TabascoNatalie]

i don't think you can punish them anyhow than saying they're not welcome anymore.

maybe hold your son responsible of how he allows his friends to act at your home?

 

[scoobymom]

Yes, you have a right to correct behavior in your home. If it is unacceptable, you have every right. Maybe the kids doesn't get boundaries at his own home and will learn from your home.

 

[JBKB3]

Depends on the kid and your relationship with the parents. If you don't know the parents very well then verbal warning is about all you can do. However, if my daughter was at her Karate friends house and was doing something she shouldn't I know she would have to do pushups, squat thrust, etc. Same applies if that friend is at our house. We also have close friends with kids similar in age to our children. I would expect them to discipline (verbal for first offense, time out for second offense, then child calling home for third) my child if necessary. Heck even if we are there I do not have a problem with them disciplining my children if they see them doing something they shouldn't. What are best friends for?

JB

 

[Scott]

I bet you lock the screen on your work computer now, eh?

Hehe you can be sure of that!

I see what you guys are saying about the physical punishment. If it isn't my own child, that probably isn't the best idea.

But the "sending them home" or "calling the parents" option isn't always viable. Often I'll be watching kids for a day or so if their parents aren't around (e.g. they have a wedding to go to or something). In this case they're really more of my responsibility. Plus I don't think that's so nice to do to the parents. If they've entrusted me with their son, I think I have an obligation deal with his behavior myself and not sit idly by and dump the problem on them.

Depends on the kid and your relationship with the parents.

I think that's a fair point. If it's someone you've just met for the first time and you don't know his parents, it might be a good idea to be a little more reserved in the discipline department. But I think that if you know the boy and his parents, it's probably OK to be more proactive in correcting bad behavior.

 

[Ceebeegeebee]

After a few false starts and bad experiences, I've found the following often works:

- Set the ground rules or rules of the house BEFORE the "play date" starts. These generally are respect for people, for property and to do what you request of them. This is necessary to do before every specific occasion that a friend is over, not just the first time.

- Make sure that your own children know that they are responsible for their friends' behavior where possible.

- Set out the consequences right away. If taking a child home early isn't possible, then another consequence is necessary, for instance not doing a particular activity or simply removing the possibility of having the friends come over again for a period of time.

- Follow through on the consequences without hesitation.

- If possible, agree with the parent on the above. I have a standing agreement with my closest parent friends that we are allowed to point out and correct our respective children's behavior, even if the other person is there.

Having said all that, I think that you have to leave any necessary follow-up discipline/ punishment to the parents, apart from removing the child from your vicinity! In your situation, it would have been up to the parents to suggest any reparations for the damage caused to your computer.

Hope that helps

 

[mommy]

I think that unless there's some kind of danger, you should not discipline another parent's child - especially if you don't know the parents.

 

[RainingCrumbs]

i've often run into this situation when I am spending time with my friends' children as well. On the one hand, I want to discipline them, on the other I am constantly afraid that how I am disciplining them is counter to what my friends have taught. But I think as long as you stick to good principles you're ok. And definitely be sure to check with your friends too.

 

[SusyLoren]

i think its a bad idea but they should behave if they are at your house..

 

[amyewhitmore]

I would hold my child responsible. If he has friends over he needs to be with them, not leaving them to go talk on the phone. I don't know what is more rude.