Divorce wrong or right?...

[Shaun Austin]

Today it occured to me that divorce is just so common these days, I mean the majority of kids that I work with have divorced parents, and it seems like something that justn happens these days. The issue came up in our house this week after me and my wife had a little disagreement which was over heard by Cameron our third child who went to Callum to ask why we were shouting at each other and Callum said 'maybe they're getting a divorce'. Cameron later came to me after the disagreement almost in tears and asked me if me and mummy were going to get a divorce and I said of course not.

I was quite shocked that Callum thought that this was what all parents did even at his age of understanding. But it goes to show that divorce is just the norm. I was just wondering what others thought about divorce, because me and my wife have always said that we married for life and life in everyway not just during the good times. I understand that divorce is understandable in some situations but should it be used so much that children grow up waiting for the time when it comes? Also when I sat down and told Callum me and Charlotte were never going to divorce he said that if we ever do could he stay with me? Is it right that kids have to choose their favourite parent because I was told as a young parent by my own parents that parenthood isn't a popularity contest but a team effort.

 

[cybele]

I don't think there is such thing as wrong or right when it comes to divorce, it is just something that is.

Is it better for a couple to stay married even though they don't love each other for the sake of children? Are you less of a person and your needs of no importance whatsoever just because you have kids?

Is it better for a man or woman to choose to stay with an abusive partner for the sake of appearances, even if it means risking their own life?



I think all kids who know someone who is divorced or someone whose parents are divorced will ask the question. Same reason kids ask why single parents are single parents and their parents are not, or why another family eats things they don't, or why another family may have pets and they don't. They learn about different lives and sometimes they are not yet at that level where they can understand differences like that.

I remember when my kids (four older ones, Sasha is yet to click) realised that not all families are vegetarians, it was a big "WOAH BUT WHY? When do we start eating meat?" moment for each one.

In the case of your boys, I doubt Callum was being serious, he's 16, he probably said it to get his brother off his back and sound cool, then made the "stay with Dad" comment in jest, probably to lighten a conversation he was finding uncomfortable.

Either that or you are the fun parent, HAHA.

 

[singledad]

Divorce is not ideal, for sure. Every kid deserves a happy family with a mom and a dad who love each other.

But staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids doesn't work either. I have yet to see kids who benefit from a mom and dad who stay together even though they hate each other's guts...

I say when your marriage / relationship hits a hard patch - do everything in your power to fix it, and if, even after that, you can't - then divorce, but make sure you are mature about it and don't turn your kids into pawns.

And of course - if there is any abuse, whether spousal or children - get out as fast as you can and don't look back.

 

[Mom2all]

And of course - if there is any abuse, whether spousal or children - get out as fast as you can and don't look back.

I agree.

 

[akmom]

I do think divorce is wrong, but you have to compare it to the alternatives. Sometimes they are worse. I used to teach conflict mediation to youth when I was in college, and I think that a lot of divorces could be prevented if people just learned how to deal with conflict. I think people should get premarital counseling and decide beforehand how certain life situations will be handled. There's really an advantage to getting counseling before you need it. It teaches you to avoid conflicts preemptively, with the advantage of not already being emotionally charged.

Where I live, schools are starting to incorporate conflict mediation in the curriculum. Some people think that the ability to get along with others is part of your personality, or a matter of trying. But I don't think that's necessarily true. It helps to have a roadmap to follow, especially if the other person is doing the same. I've seen young kids experiment with conflict resolution techniques and succeed. It's so much less overwhelming to them to know how to approach conflict ahead of time. There was a lot of participation in the sessions I held with adolescents too. I think there is generally a great desire among people to get along - even more than to get their way - and it's just a matter of establishing that before people get mired in conflict.

With divorce, it's probably also a matter of loyalty. I think it's important to keep your commitment to marriage, even if it means giving up some degree of perceived happiness. I can think of few things which cannot - at least theoretically - be resolved without divorce. If people were more committed to each other, I think they could absolutely be happy without a divorce. Some people are just so out-of-touch with what to expect of marriage. For example, there is a certain amount of professional civility expected in a workplace. Most people are able to rise to this level, but abandon that "social contract" at home. Why?

 

[yunihara]

I think divorce is ok in certain situations, but for the most part, I think that many issues can be peacefully resolved. I agree with the above post, and its that people have difficulty coping with conflict. From what I have seen with my generation and the number of divorces, it seems like many people jump into marriage without realizing just how much compromise is involved and have a very high expectation of what it is like to be married, living together and starting family. My wife and I dated several years before marriage was mentioned, and then when we did decide to get married, we went to premartial counseling to make sure we were on the same page when it came to things like fininaces, lifestyles, child rearing and a variety of other issues. I think its good to teach people to deal with conflict and help them understand that marriage is not rosy all the time or in the honeymoon stage forever.

However, I do think divorce is better than staying in an unhappy marriage full of constant fighting. And always the best when dealing with an abusive partner. It just seems that divorce happens over very little these days, because people don't understand that compromise is an essential component to making it work.

 

[Antoinette]

my partner and i separated before Alegra was even born, which i know is not ideal at all but now i have met an amazing man who i have a beautiful baby girl too. my children and i are all happy and i think that even though divorce or separation may not be a fantastic option children can sense when you are not happy and they do respond to it.

 

[Shaun Austin]

I can see how Divorce is okay in situations where there is an abusive partner present, as my own family have experience there. However I just feel that it has become so common that people just expect it to happen at some point. I can also see how being unhappy in a marraige can effect a child just as much as a divorce can. I believe however that anything can be fixed if you haved the dedication to a marraige and a determination to make it work. I agree that before you marry and have kids couples should go through pre-marraige counselling, me and Charlotte did at the church we were part of at the time, and we must say it helped because we had gone for it a year earlier and we had been advised to wait because our pastor felt we were not in a place to manage mariage. We are glad because it gave us a chance to talk and discuss things and gave us the chance to sort a few things out. Then we got married a year later and haven't looked back since. That was important to us and made sure we were both ready and in the same place and while our married life isn't perfect its still good to us and something I never want to give up. Counselling like the provided by our pastor is what people need the chance to have someone who knows what they are talking about, assess and highlight any issues, so that they can be sorted out, give you the time to make sure you are in the right place and ultimately help you decide if marriage is right for you and your partner at that time in your life.

 

[akmom]

That is interesting, Shaun Austin. I don't hear from a lot of other people who went through premarital counseling. My sister and her boyfriend wanted to marry several years ago, but we as a family saw a lot of red flags. We could not convince them not to marry, but we did convince them to undergo premarital counseling first. They spent a year and a half working out many things that their counselor saw as relationship problems before they finally took the plunge. Now they are married and hopefully they will be happy. I don't see them often enough to tell, but I know they took the counselor's advice very seriously and so I suspect they will take their vows very seriously too.

 

[cybele]

Premarital counselling was mandatory here when we got married.

We kind of giggled our way through it, thought it was a bit of a joke. My husband and I are a mature pair like that.

 

[Shaun Austin]

Well to be honest so did me and Charlotte at the beginning we thought 'well we don't need this we love each other and thats all that matters'. I'm glad we were advised and told to wait to get married an extra year because our pastor felt it was not right at that time. I was 21 and Charlotte was 20 going on 21. After we worked through some big issues, we were in a place to get married and we are now very happy. I feel it was even more important to us to have that support because my family come from Plymouth (in the south near Cornwall) and I had moved away to study. Charlotte was also away from her family who live as far north as you can go with out going into Scotland. Neither of us had family close by so our church and the support of our pastor was more important than ever in mentoring us.
hope this helps
Shaun

 

[akmom]

I've never heard of mandatory premarital counseling. (How would that work in a state/country with "common law" [de facto] marriage anyway? Do you need counseling to qualify for that status?) However, I heard that in Florida (a U.S. state) that they give discounts on marriage licenses if you do get it. Not sure how that qualifies as financial incentive though... I'm betting the counseling costs more than the license at full price. But it's a nice thought!

 

[cybele]

For legal marriage you had to (it's optional now) attend a marriage class and counselling before you could legally be married. For defacto you don't do anything, because you just say you are then you are. There is no "applying to be a defacto" or any of that type of nonsense, you are just required to live together.

 

[NancyM]

We called it pre-Cana back in 1982. lol It's not something your forced to do by law, it's given by the church as a way to prepare you for marriage. If we wanted to get married in our church we had to take the course. I think 6 weeks once a week. We kind of giggled through it too.

 

[Testing]

. The issue came up in our house this week after me and my wife had a little disagreement which was over heard by Cameron our third child who went to Callum to ask why we were shouting at each other and Callum said 'maybe they're getting a divorce'. Cameron later came to me after the disagreement almost in tears and asked me if me and mummy were going to get a divorce and I said of course not.

I was quite shocked that Callum thought that this was what all parents did even at his age of understanding. But it goes to show that divorce is just the norm. I was just wondering what others thought about divorce, because me and my wife have always said that we married for life and life in everyway not just during the good times. .

It is pretty sad today that so many marriages fail because people just give up (not talking about cases of criminal activity or abuse). Or they think they find something better, and then end up right back where they were, more or less, and with hurting kids.

Get married and stay married for life. That's the best way for everyone (and even financially advantageous).

 

[Shaun Austin]

It is pretty sad today that so many marriages fail because people just give up (not talking about cases of criminal activity or abuse). Or they think they find something better, and then end up right back where they were, more or less, and with hurting kids.

Get married and stay married for life. That's the best way for everyone (and even financially advantageous).

Couldn't agree more!!! my vows to Charlotte said "till death do us part" and I intend on keeping that promise. It is so sad when couples say that and then down the road just go back on it. If you're going to say it... at least be true to your word

 

[cybele]

Do people still say "till death do us part" ?

Sorry, completely off topic, but I am pretty sure that we didn't. I should find a copy of my vows one day.

 

[Shaun Austin]

My mother wanted us to have a tradittional wedding so did Charlotte's so we backed down on the vows (don't worry the rest was all what we wanted as a couple)

 

[Caffus]

The reason for divorce is what makes it wrong or right. Love is a choice, it is NOT just an emotion...feelings come and go and you can also learn to control your feelings..don't we always love our kids..no matter what? Sometimes we may feel we just want them to go away...but we know we would do anything to protect them and have them grow up in the best possiable way.
You dont divorce becuase you dont love your spouse..you if you loved them at one time you do everything you can to bring that love back.
The parent relationship is the core of the family it is the secerity of the childern.
My husband is unable to be honest with me and he is unfaithful..I see it as a sickness and I pray for him and my family..I hope he will heal and be able to be open and honest with me someday. I do not ask him anymore, when I find evidince of his problem, becuase it only makes things worse, cuases the house hold to be upset ect. It hurts me very deeply and we can never be very close until he can be honest with me.
I belive he loves me and I love him..and we both love our kids.
He is helps care for the kids and the house when he is home and he is calm and kind.
I did have to divorce my 1st husband...he was very abusive in everyway...I almost died. He hit me called me names moved me to another state away from my family and friends, he was a crack addict and he also cheated on me many times.
I still loved him and left him and went back to him many times before I finaily knew I couldnt take anymore. We had one duaghter together..she was around 7 when we divorced..she now wishes I would have left him for good way before I did. She saw him hit me , yell at me ect. She is 22 now and has nothing to do with her father.

 

[NancyM]

It's really such a personal experience to be married, it's hard to say what's wrong or right about ending it.

Basically marriage is just a legally bonding contract between two people summarizing their obligations to one another, which, like any contract can become void if both people agree to ending it. I think the majority of us go into marriage with the intent to stay together forever. But find out later it's not working- I don't think people take it lightly to divorce.

I do agree that a person should never stay in a relationship with an abusive partner not even a marriage, take the kids and run!!

I think those of us who marry in church before our God have a tougher time with the divorce issue. I think it's a mix of feelings which include our promise before God to stay together, and then the guilt we have because we broke that promise and committed a 'sin', this is what I think causes conflict in our minds about the idea of divorce.