Don't know what to say....

[Antoinette]

i have a labrador who is 12 years old. he has had hip dysplasia his entire life and the vet's told me he wouldn't live past 5. here we are 7 years later, he has had his up's and downs but we always got him regular vet checkups and injections to make sure there were more up's then downs. anyway with the end of my pregnancy/birth of my baby happening i somehow missed 3 months of vet checkups (bad pet owner i know, don't yell at me) anyway i had the vet make a house call this morning because i noticed that he was walking with his front feet but lifting his two back ones together rather than stepping. turns out he has an EXTREMELY aggressive form of bone cancer and in the past 3 months it has almost completely eaten the bone out of one of his legs and left a painful cancerous lump. he is on morphine right now and the vet is coming back to put him to sleep next thursday. i wouldn't let her do it today cause the kids were home and didn't even know he was sick...

my question is, how do i tell the kids? Felix is nearly 4 and loves Lucky, it is going to hit him so hard but i don't want to blindside him, i feel like he deserves some warning. has anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

[Jeremy+3]

Do you mean next thursday being the 15th, or the 22nd? You wont like this but both of those are far too far away if he is pain, it really is completely unfair, you will regret keeping him suffering.

If you had found out earlier you couldn't have helped him anymore.

Just tell him he is ill and so he has to be put to sleep, it really is that simple when they're little, it just takes a while to get used to so he'll probably just continue asking where he is. It is a much bigger thing for you than it is for him, he'll be fine. It might be less confusing if you let him watch and see him go away with the vet so he has some understanding that the he isn't at home anymore as obviously his concept of gone will be different to an adults.

 

[Antoinette]

i mean the 22nd. as horrible as it sounds he was my 9th birthday present from my parents and my 21st birthday is on the 19th and i need him to be there for it. he is on strong pain medication and he isn't yelping or seeming distressed. i told the vet if he becomes more uncomfortable i will call her straight away. she says she doesn't think he is in too much pain right now, so long as i keep him warm and comfortable he should be fine. he is such a good dog.

 

[mom2many]

Awe I'm sorry it's never easy is it?

Here's a link to something I wrote on this not to long ago...

http://www.parentingforums.org/showthread.php?t=13694

 

[parentastic]

Antoinette, there are two important issues here, and I'd like to offer you some insights so you can reflect on both, since the second is perhaps less evident (but IMO more important).

The first issue of course, is how to have the talk about death, and why, and what happens when he is put to sleep, and so on.
I think other posters have offered some insights about this, so I'd like to address the other one.

When your dog, your old friend of so many years, will be gone, you will have to mourn. You will be in a lot of sorrow and pain, you will need to cry, you will need to grieve. And no matter how much you try to hide it from them (which you shouldn't!) your children will see you in pain. They will be sad themselves for the dog, but more importantly, they will read the importance of this event on your face, and that can be very scary if they aren't prepared.

So I think it's important to let them know how you feel already now, and how difficult it is for you and how much you need them to be with you through this difficult time, so that you all can be sad together and you can all <I>allow yourselves </I>to be sad. So there might be an important talk about how it's okay to cry and be sad, sometimes for a long time, when a dear friend has to say goodbye. You can also tell them how you can be happy he is not suffering anymore and is in peace, and how it's okay to feel <I>both</I> at the same time. And when it happens, you will feel more free to live your mourning and they will understand what's going on.

Finally, it might be important (depending how they react) to keep an eye for possible anxiety when you or someone dear in the family becomes sick, so they don't automatically assume they will die too.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[Shaun Austin]

We're really sorry for you I remember when we lost Charlie our first dog as a couple. It was hard for both us and the kids. Sam and Callum had spent all their lives around Charlie. I think having more dogs after Charlie was important to make sure they know that while Charlie would never be replaced you can still share something with other dogs and pets.

One thing that helped a lot is talking about the good memories Charlie died natrually at home and we burried him in our garden so he could be in his favourite place. At his 'funeral ceremony' we all put something that reminded us of him or pics and letters to him. That evening we had a camp fire (it was good weather) and talked about the good times and what Charlie would do now and stuff. I think being able to laugh at those happy memories helped a lot.

Our thoughts with you

 

[Juan]

Well, that's a tough situation. I remember when I was a kid I had a parrot, a nice yellow budgy, I called him Buddy. I loved him so much, he always ate from my plate and sat on my shoulder. When I was doing my homework, Buddy landed on my exercise book and played with my pan. I cleaned his cage every morning, gave him food and water, sometimes washed him as he liked taking showers.

One day Buddy was flying around the house and my mum was coming out of the bathroom, she didn't notice him and slammed the door on his little yellow body. I wasn't at home then, I was at school. When I came home I saw him lying in his cage, with his beak open, breathing very hard. I asked my mum what happened, she told me the story. I was so angry with her, because she didn't take him to the vet at once, I was screaming and scrying. my mum said, he had no chances to survive. But still I didn't want to believe and rushed with im to the animal's hospital. The doctor said he couldn't do anything because my parrot was too small for any sort of operations. He said, just cover the cage so that the light doesn't irritate him and give him food and water, keep him away from loud sounds. I did so. I was hoping my friend would get better. But it seemed there he had an internal bleeding, so after two days he died. It was so heart breaking to look at him, lying there in the cage and suffering so hard. I cried every day and prayed to God. When he died, my father suggested to burry him in the garden. I burried him myself, and said good bye to him and how much I love him and that I will never forgive my little friend.

It's really very hard to lose a pet, because our pets become so close and dear to us. I think you should tell your kids the truth about what's going on with your dog. But I would keep it away from their sight, because it's so much painful to see your friend dying slowly. And also, maybe you should burry your dog together. And kids should know that he is in a better place now, like in a paradise for dogs. They will grow up and maybe forget about him, because they are still small, or maybe not, but they should know such things happen, it's life.

I'm really very sorry for you.

 

[Shaun Austin]

I agree with Juan the best thing is to tell them but keep them away from seeing the suffering. Like I said above it will be important to them to remember the happy times with your old friend Lucky, and seeing him suffer will not help them to remember these. its also important to make sure they're aware of whats going on and make sure they understand the positives of Lucky being put down.

 

[Antoinette]

he doesn't really look like he is suffering. he is such a brave dog, he never cries when he is in pain he just sort of deals with it, the pain relief he is on is keeping him as comfortable as possible and i have really just explained to the kids that he has a sore leg and the vet will be coming to make his pain go away, but when his pain goes away he won't live with us anymore because he will be gone. i have had a little plaque made for him and i will be burying him in the bottom paddock of mum's house with my horse another beloved dog. i don't think Felix really understands the concept of gone, he just keeps asking where he is going and why he has to leave us. i have tried telling him that we get old and then we die but i still don't think he understands. Lucky doesn't look old, other than his disease he is in perfect health, fat as ever and with no grey hairs.

 

[Mom2all]

There is no easy way to do any of this. At their age, a short and sweet explanation would most likely be best. And how you tell them I think depends on your beliefs on what happens after death.
For me I made it a good thing that even though we miss someone because we love them, there is a place that love ones go when they die in this world that you never get sad or hurt again. Even though we'll miss them, one day we'll see them again. They are just going ahead of us.
Depending on what you believe you have to adjust what you tell them obviously. I found that by telling them about this other side of life they moved on a whole lot faster than me. Your kids are young. They'll be okay. I'm sending some love to you though. My heart breaks with you.

 

[Juan]

Yes, in the end of the day, the kids are too small to feel this pain. You are the one who will be suffering the most. I wish you a lot of strength to get over it. And from your description I really started loving your dog. I'm sure he's a cute dog. keep good memories of him and he'll always live in your heart.

 

[cybele]

Yes, in the end of the day, the kids are too small to feel this pain.

I disagree with that, a child who is nearing 4 years old certainly has the ability to miss someone they love, human or animal, and they certainly have the ability to grieve.

I think Mom2all is spot on, keep it short so they understand but don't get confused.

 

[Antoinette]

i think i have explained it as much as i can. they know what is going to happen but i don't think that they will be able to come to terms with it until it has happened and they start to grieve. Felix will definitely hurt, he is 4 years old and very intuitive.

 

[bssage]

I has been my experience that Cole actually handled it better than us. He did want to do some touching cute things. Like make a marker for the grave. But overall I was more distraught then he was.

 

[Shaun Austin]

Yeah I think it depends on the individual child some take it well some don't. When Charlie died Sam who is usually quite strong and rarely cries actually cried on the morning when we found Charlie there asleep cold, then he cried more when Charlotte (who is a vet) confirmed that Charlie had passed. Whereas Callum on the other hand who is also quite strong didn't cry at first but did cry when it was confirmed (he has always been quite optimistic). The other two didn't really get upset to much and quickly moved on, Sam took longest to move on and a lot of his grieving wasn't sadness it was anger and regret about the death, Callum also moved on quite fast but also had a bit of an anger period after the death. I guess it depends on the child and the best you can do is support each one individually and just let them know you are hurting to so they can draw closer to you through it and you can help each other move on.

Hope it helps

 

[Antoinette]

he is gone he died at 2:00 this afternoon. it was very hard to witness, Felix and Alegra were at their dads house so they wouldn't see it. when Felix got home he asked where lucky was and i reminded him that lucky was dead and we wouldn't be seeing him again. he seemed to accept it.

 

[cybele]

That's good that Felix has accepted it.

 

[mom2many]

I'm sorry, may your puppy rest in peace!

 

[Shaun Austin]

sorry to hear you have lost a family member (even if it is of another species) I am sure you loved that dog to bits.

Hope you are all okay

 

[Neway]

Big hugs to you, it is very hard saying goodbye to a pet that has been part of your life from childhood into adulthood. Go gently on yourself, and allow yourself time to grieve. xox