Ex is bribing son...

[youngluke]

My ex moved about an hour and a half away 2.5 years ago, and as a result lost about 20% of her custody. My son now lives mostly with myself and my wife and goes to middle school by us.

Next year he will be going to high school and I found out his mom is trying to bribe him to go to a high school closer to her. Actually it is a school that would be another 20 miles further away from us now. Specifically she is telling him that she will buy him a new Ford Mustang if he does.

This just seems so horrible for her to put her son is such a position. Am I wrong about this?

 

[Vdad]

How did you find out about the bribe? Can you verify it for sure?

The issues here are pretty clear: 1) What the divorce decree and parenting plan state about school attendance location, and 2) HIS desire to spend more time with mom, without the bribe. I'm assuming that both schools are pretty much equivalent concerning quality.

So, I'd address the first part of this with your ex: remind her of the parenting plan that both of you agreed to and its 'a done deal..assuming that's the case. Her bribe here is really (obviously) terribly inappropriate. I'd let her know both.

It's a tough spot for your son, b/c a car is really dangling something irresistible. So, your task...a rather unenviable one for sure....is to let him know that these things have been pre arranged and that mom was really out of line by offering such an "inducement", and if he really wants more time with mom (ex the Mustang!), then perhaps you and he should talk about that desire separate from which school he attends.

 

[youngluke]

Thanks for the reply Vdad!

My son's middle school is hosting a area High School meet and greet tonight. At this event we will get to check out all the area Magnet High Schools. My son had wanted to go with myself and my wife to this, but tonight is his mom's night with him and she said she was unable to go. I let my son know this, but told him I would still be going and would bring home some information to share with him. This is when he informed me about the bribe. I could also tell he was a little put off by it.

As for his desire to see more of his mom, I'm not sure 100% where his thoughts are on this. Because of her job, she often has to cancel her scheduled weekends. At first when this would occur he'd be naturally disappointed. Now he has gotten use to this happening, and almost seems happy when it occurs.

I'll definitely take your advice. I was only going to discuss the bribing with her, but I like the idea of including the current agreement.

Thanks again.

 

[Vdad]

The choice of schools should be based on what's best for him, not her. I'd keep that clear with him, and separate the school issue from the visitation issues. If he wants to see her more than the agreed upon amount, that's something for you to discuss, but shouldn't be subject to a bribe.

I'd make it clear to her, though, the terms of the parenting plan and any alterations need to be discussed with you, first.

You want to bring up the bribe with him b/c it's already been presented to him, what you're doing is clarifying the nature of the school plan that's (supposedly) been agreed upon before this. The time with each other is a separate issue not subject to bribe.

 

[careyon]

It seems your son may already be questioning his mom's motives. I would definitely suggest you discuss this with your ex. If it's more time with your son that she wants, then she should go to court to adjust the custody agreement. If her motives are pure, then she would be willing to buy your son the car regardless of which school he chooses.
I pray God gives you the discernment to handle this in a way that is best for your son.