Extreme Facebooking at the expense of schoolwork...

[Redrain]

Am at a loss of what to do. I have a 16 yo male who is having an online "affair" with a young lady from the midwest. He "cheated" on his real-life girlfriend for this young lady. I mentioned the real girlfriend in my initial post and at that time I was worried about my son's grades suffering at the expense of his first real relationship. It was his request that I have him enrolled in a martial arts class(hone self-discipline skills), acquire a tutor , and a psychologist. I have done all of this...to no avail. At the end of his 2nd six weeks grading period he has F's (psych & us hist) & a D (English )in his advanced placement classes , a couple of c's (alg2 & bio), b(critical skls) & an A (german) in his regular classes. Similar situation as before.

Even though I've taken his laptop & ipod as a consequence(he was well aware of) of his bad grades He still bikes to the library to get some facebook time, but does so at the expense of his school work. Short of having his library account closed or taking his bike away from him...I don't know what more I can do to point this kid in the right direction. To make matters worse he hacked into my laptop by breaking the password clue..which he had translated(it was in french) and then deviously asked me the question during the week and then voila! hacked into it and was using my laptop without my permission. This is a level of subversion that I find utterly shocking.

I keep asking myself what would Eckhart Tolle do, but then I doubt if he has kids. Wise man. I'm running out of possibilities other than just sitting back and watching my kid crash & burn. Advice please?

 

[akmom]

It sounds like an obsession. Can you get a list of his assignments from the school, and keep track of what he has done? Maybe if you give him limited Internet time after he has caught up on these assignments, he will be motivated to do them. Each day, have him show you his completed homework in exchange for some computer time. It sounds at least as easy as biking to the library to get it.

 

[JanetDubac]

I agree with the poster above me, some sort of rewards system would be a great incentive to do his school work. It seems as though you have tried very hard to make this work. The fact that he will ride his bike to the library blows my mind! Your son sounds like a bright young man with advanced placement courses and thinking to translate the French password hint. You should remind him of how reliant his future is upon his current grades when speaking to him of some sort of incentive based system.

 

[bssage]

My boy is much younger. I have an ongoing preemptive strategy in place. It may or may not be useful.

Sounds like your boy wants to make his own decisions. What he is doing is making sure the exact opposite happens.

I explain every chance I get that poor choices. Limit his ability to have choices later in life.

If he does not want a lot of choices for friends: Girls. Smoke, drink, drugs, all serve only to limit his future choices. Poor choices never expand the choices available to him.

I he only want to be able to choose from a couple of jobs as he gets older. Bad grades will accomplish that. Bad education choices limit the conversations he can comfortably participate in. The friends/girls he has to choose from. Even the places he can live.

I exploit every opportunity to support my message. If we see a vagrant "What are his choices" Watch a cop show or read the "for the record" in our local paper: What choices do they have now.

If you want someone to tell you where to live. Who you friends can be: What you will eat: When you will eat: make poor choices.

If you want to have choices about anything. You have to make the best choices available to you.

Bad choices only limit future choices. Thats life.

I have no idea if this is going to "bear fruit". But that has and is my stratagy.

 

[Shaun Austin]

here is something that i tried with Sam when he was about 14 because he was jeapodising his future of being a paramedic (something he has always wanted to be as I used to be one when he was younger). Sam was spending more time with friends or on the games consoles in the house. Me and Charlotte could see that his grades were dropping and we knew it wasn't because he wasn't smart because he had had always done well at school. We soon worked it out he was thinking that he could slack around and stil get where he wanted. So we had had enough there was no way our son was going to fail, we had not seen him grow from a little baby in a crib to flunk school and sit on a couch so we did something about it.

Me and Charlotte had always bought up our kids by talking with them and trying to understand and help them not scream shout and bawl at them till they did what we asked (we have seen this happen and fail many a time). So I decided I would do the whole inspirational talk and then do the "its up to you but if I were you I'd let me and your mother help you suceed" way of making him see sense.

One day I told him right stop everything you're doing and get out to the car in five minutes. He came out slowly not sure what was happening. I drove him over to the local ambulance station where we met up with some old collegues of mine, who told him just how hard it is now to get into the Ambulance Service and how much work he will need to do.

Then we took a trip to go and see a local homeless shelter that was run by a friend from church. She took us on a tour around and then sat us down with a young homeless woman with a young child. She talked about how she had spent more time with friends and hanging out and going out then doing school work she had flunked her GCSEs (exams taken in year 10/11 aged 15/16) she then met an older guy who said that he could give her everythig she needed ever in her life. Having been kicked out of her house by her parents she was taken in by this guy who made her live with him she was soon expecting and when the baby came she was kicked out by the older man. This woman - Sarah they called her, was now trying to make a difference to her life.

On the ride back home I said to him the simple words "you choose". He said in reply "what do you mean dad?" I replied "Son I think you know what I mean, your school work. You can choose to do it and succeed and get what you want and what you have always wanted, or you do all the fun stuff and end up failing just like Sarah did." I left him thinking over it on the journey home.

That night he came downstairs to me and Charlotte sitting there talking and he goes "I have made a decision. I'm going to work hard know to get to where I want to go." we then went through an action plan with him and helped him decide how he was going to get back on top. I am now proud to say he is now applying to study Paramedic Practice at University next year. He has also still managed to fit in a rich social life just not on the same level of before when it took over his life.

Sometimes they just need to see how their choices can change their lives. Now this time I had set this up completly (I had pre-planned with my old collegues and Rachel the Homeless shelter manager) Sarah's story was real but she had been told before hand that she was going to do it so it had extra efect. Your son is smart this is obvious, maybe he just needs to see what effect his choices will make on his life, and then let him take control of change because its got to be him making the change or it won't stick. One thing we had in place was the fact that our kids knew we could only support them so much if they fail. If they know that its up to them and they can see both consequences then they will usually make a good decision.

May I also add that we gave Sarah a job this year in the Sixth-Form College i work in as a 'student inspiration and support officer' she is also studying externally for a degree in Psychology and we are proud to be able to work with her every day.

 

[Redrain]

Many thanks to all who have posted in response. All, very good advice. I have been "preaching" the good choices vs. bad choices from day 1 with my son and he is well aware of consequences, but I do think there might be an inherent disconnect & that the lack of maturity is attributable to his age. There seems to be a certain amount of invincibility that is built into the teen mentality that surmounts all practical evidence that might suggest otherwise. Since this particular approach of knowing the consequence of choices is not by itself working I am going to take the "rewards" & "consequences" approach. A double whammy. Number 1: I'm compromising on the ipod. If he maintains good grades during the first few weeks of the next grading period he will get his ipod back. He seemed to really respond to that approach. Number 2: I am going to set up a College Day for him so that he may visit one of the colleges of his choice...this is fulfilling the consequence of working hard now in order to see the fruition of what good choices can attain for him. Maybe, I can work in a homeless shelter in as well that day Shaun Austin...that will represent an immediate showcase of poor choices. Must say, I feel a bit like the Ghost from Christmases Future from Dicken's "A Christmas Story". Wish me no humbug.
Thank you once again for your well thought out and thorough responses.