Father in need of help...

[Stockton2007]

Is there anything I can do to help my future wife with her anxiety of becoming a step mother to my 4 year old son. We are looking to move into our own place towards the end of this year.

Her main concern is discipline. She has he currently has none and that is primarily due to the fact that my son and I live with my mother and she spoils him and acts as a 24/7 grandmother (this is how my mother raised me). Everything is on my son's time schedule, when and how he wants to do it, what he wants to eat and if he wants something else to eat, she gets up in the middle of dinner to make it for him. He does no wrong, can climb over the couches, etc.) My fiance says she got really lucky that i turned out to be the person i was since i was raised with no discipline or rules.

This wouldn't be horrible, however when I put my foot down to discipline him, she always comments and discredits me in front of my son. My fiance sees this and it frustrates her to no end, as it does me too and i am seeing a therapist for this.

My mom claims that she tries to "make up" for when my son is with his biological mother 2 nights / week cause that is a "crazy household".


I try to assure her we will set our ground rules in our home but she is really scared he wont adapt and that my mother will still have some control over our home even not living there with us.


I am looking for things I can do or say to my fiance to help her. To assure her we can do this and my mother won't be involved. She wants me to put my foot down to my mother but that starts arguments and fights. I don't want my son to see that and my mother is recovering from open heart surgery so her blood pressure needs to stay down.

Its a very difficult situation that i am trying to handle with care for all parties and take the next step when my fiance and I get our own place.

With that said, i'll ask again... does anyone have anyways i can further support my fiance?

 

[Dadu2004]

You need to set your mother straight. If you don't do it, she will continue to try and raise your child for you and have control over your household. She needs to know that this is YOUR child and that YOU will choose to raise him the way that you see fit. If she doesn't like it, tough S**T...it's not her decision to make.

 

[Stockton2007]

i understand, and this is my major topic for the meeting with my therapist on Thursday. Don't get me wrong, my son isn't a wild man throwing and breaking things. An example would be climbing on the coffee table. Another thing is choice. I understand that at the age of 4, choice is good for a child. "Would you like to wear your blue shift or green shirt today?". But she will bring down 4 outfits and if he says no to all of them, she goes back up to his closet for more or will bring him upstairs and go through until be agrees to something. Now, when it's just him and I, I bring something down (or two things and let him chose like my example above) and he gets dressed.


Back to the main topic, are there any other ways of showing my fiance support?

 

[IADad]

It seems like your betrothed has a good head on her shoulders. Your main probalem is going to be conflict between your wife and your mom. Perhaps you have an opportunity, to start the discipline after you move and to keep grandma out of the mix for a while...to keep her stress down (gee, thanks for all you've done mom, you deserve some "down time.")

While choice is good for a child (I guess) boundaries are better, children need them from us and you are endangering him if you don't set and hold to them.

So the best way to support your fiance is to back her, to partner with her 100%, when you decide on boundaries and discipline you stick to them and if grandma violates, you step in and tell her that's not the way you've decided to deal with it. Agree with your DW to discuss options regarding your son in private so there's no danger of her (or you being countermaded) you don't want him to see anything less than a cohesive undivded front from the two of you or he will exploit them.

 

[Stockton2007]

IADad, thank you.

Right now the living situation isn't the best. Me, my son and my mother are living in the same household and my fiance still lives with her parents. When we move out, it will be me, my son and fiance.

So right now it's me vs my mom so to say. I dont want to bring things up in front of my son or object like my mother does to me. That wouldn't get us anywhere.

This has been going on for almost 6 months now. My son never really needed to be told no more than once till then. And now i want to bring time outs and more boundaries into play and my mom says "it was never like that before" "i was allowed to make these decisions before". Like i am flipping everyone's world upside down.

I feel like i am just rambling at this point. I do appreciate the advice. I need to be the one that makes the calls and i need to start making the calls my fiance and I plan on doing together when we live together. A child can still have fun with boundaries and they will grow up better because of them. (and i'm not talking about extreme things, just logical, common sense, respectful boundaries)

 

[IADad]

yeah, I just don't know how successful you're going to be trying to cahnge the rules at grandmas house.

Realize part of him chanign and needing to be told more is not just because of the lack of consistent discipline, part of it is the age. He's in major boundary testing time. It's his job and purpose in life. I have a 4 yo, and he's been pretty consistenly discipline by DW and me, we do maintain that pretty well together, and ours will stare me down on issues. I never back down on those occassions, I can change when asked and asked nicely but if he's going to square off with me, that's not going to work.

How long until it's your house and your rules? That'd be your biggest help, I think.

 

[Stockton2007]

Should be October - November time frame.

 

[JBKB3]

I think once you get into your own place things will fall into place a lot better.

As far as your soon-to-be wife's anxiety perhaps a sit down with the two of you and your son to explain that she will be his step-mommy and that he needs to listen to her just like he would you. Will he understand it? Probably not... will he test her? You bet.. but as long as you stand behind her 100% he will eventually see that you are a team and her word is your word. Even if you don't always agree with how she is handling something, stand behind her and then discuss it with her later when your son is not around.

I was lucky, when me and my wife got together her daughter (whom I adopted) was young enough that I am the only daddy she has ever known.

We also lived with her parents our 2nd year being married and it was difficult at times, though it was not exactly your situation as I was living there also. But I certainly understand having to raise your children under someone else's roof/house rules.

As I said before, once you are able to get into your own place, things should fall into place.

I certainly see your wife and your mother having issues, my wife and step mother do. I am glad I have a strong wife who has stood up to my step mom a time or two.

JB

 

[Step23]

I am a stepmother to a 12 year old boy whose mother has been inconsistent with discipline and has allowed him to pretty much do what he pleases. My stepson now lives with my husband and me.

Your girlfriend has very, very valid concerns. Not only is it the fact your son doesn't seem to have much discipline or rules/boundaries in his life, your mother is very much involved in his caretaking and that can be difficult to let go of. Your girlfriend should not get involved with this - this is your responsibility. You need to sit your mother down and explain to her that things are going to change, and you expect her to comply with your wishes. This is your son and you are responsible for his upbringing. You might want to let your mother know if she can't comply with your wishes, it might mean you will have to keep her from seeing your son, until he gets to such an age where he is no longer influenced by her lack of discipline and rules.

Another thing, let your girlfriend know NOW that you WILL support her, that you've got her back when it comes to your son. But, I would sort who does the disiplining and for what. Example, when my husband and I determine my stepson is in need of punishment, we will discuss it between us, but HE metes it out. If there is any grounding or privileges taken away, my husband does it, but my stepson knows we are both in agreement. Now, when my stepson simply needs a "talking to," either my husband or I will do, whoever is available. Example: I'm better at catching my stepson at lying, so I will talk to him about that. My husband is better at talking to him about chores he isn't doing.

Your base problem is your mother, and that is what has your girlfriend scared. Get that under control, and you'll be on the right track!

 

[taterbug]

I am new to the forum and not sure how this works but i will say that I am a stepmom to 2 children and right now we are struggling in our marriage because he doesn't support me when it comes to the 12 yr old. So the best advice i can give is to reiterate what many have said...Support and Love and you can get through anything. Good Luck.

 

[friend]

Go and see a shrink. It helped me get over my feces obsession. :spinny:

 

[friend]

Actually I'm still turned on by this in a weird way:

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[FairParent]

Tough situation. I'd thank your mother for all that she's done, and let her know that you & your fiancee are starting your own family, and will be raising your child together. Tell her that you appreciate her advice and comments, and in the future, if they're needed, that you will surely ask for them. As hard as it may be, you need to "put your mom in her place", and let you parent your child.

 

[sbattisti]

I suggest you sit down with your fiancee and devise the "rules" that you expect to live by once you have your own place. Write 'em down if you have to. This will give you an opportunity to prove to your fiancee that you want to work with her and support her when you are living together.

However, others are right that it will be VERY difficult to change the rules on grandma while you're under her roof.

One possibility, to start working on things with your mom, is to pick ONE thing you'd like to change (for example, you want to institute timeouts when he misbehaves). Sit down with gramma at a calm time and explain what you'd like to do, and why, and that you'd like her to support YOU in this. Do this in a way that doesn't sound like a criticism of mom, but something you need her help to accomplish.

This is a very important issue. There's a REASON that there are all kinds of jokes or stories about women who have to deal with men who are "mama's boys." It's because it happens. A lot. And it certainly sounds like you qualify. That has to be a huge red flag for any woman looking for a long-term relationship...

Keep working at it, and good luck!

Steve

 

[fuchsiasky]

I suggest you sit down with your fiancee and devise the "rules" that you expect to live by once you have your own place. Write 'em down if you have to. This will give you an opportunity to prove to your fiancee that you want to work with her and support her when you are living together.

I would include your son in some of this discussion too. Maybe have it with your fiancee and then with all three of you. He is not too young to understand and if he is involved in setting the rules he will be more apt to follow them. And then you can discuss what rules are changing and why. Then you can start on them while you are still at your moms. We did this with DSD (who has inconsistent rules at her moms house) and it helped a lot. You never know, you might hear you son telling grandma that she is breaking the rules!

 

[RegalSin]

(this is how my mother raised me). Everything is on my son's time schedule, when and how he wants to do it, what he wants to eat and if he wants something else to eat, she gets up in the middle of dinner to make it for him. He does no wrong, can climb over the couches, etc.) My fiance says she got really lucky that i turned out to be the person i was since i was raised with no discipline or rules.

1. Your son is four

2. If he is doing something wrong, then he faces a disiplinary action. Disipline is their to correct mistakes.

3. You turned out okay, and therefore your mom did nothing wrong. Just remove other things that was not in your childhood. Seriously he is four years old. I was a four year old kid, I was running around drawing things on the wall, and breaking my fathers stuff. Only because I never understood. Seriously he is only four.

In time you all will eat around the same time, and whats not. Of course he is not going to be 15 and walking on mini tables, jumping over chairs never did any harm. Your spouse is just disoriented, with the idea of other peoples children, that is all. She knows parenting is hell, and that is her concern.

I am a stepmother to a 12 year old boy whose mother has been inconsistent with discipline and has allowed him to pretty much do what he pleases.

That depends on the relationship. All children no matter what age, will never see a step parent as a real parent. This is an adut without a job.
A teen, and they have no responsibility. They also have the stress of school, happiness, self-preservation ( health ) and love ( which you have probably exprienced ). They need to grow strong, and fly out the nest, and be happy doing whatever it is, without no regrets.

So far this person is having problems, with seeing you as a real parent period. He just needs to be on his own life, and that is all. However whatever you want from him, you need to figure on your own, on either good terms or bad terms.

The worst thing a person can have is more the one boss.
His father is a boss
His mother is a boss
His school teachers are bosses, along with the dean and other people
His freinds are on his list of priority
His actions are on his list of priorities.
Now your part of that chain