My step son says he's been bullied at school, my wife and I had a meeting with his teacher who says there's no bullying going on, in fact he is one of the popular kids with very little issues with other kids. It's not unusual for him to spin a yarn with us so this is no surprise. The thing is he told his dad this, now he wants to "toughen him up", he says he's going to buy him boxing gloves etc and "hit him like a man", he thinks if he (step son) can take a hit from a man then he'll have no issues. When my wife told me this I was shocked to say the least, in my view we should stop visitation and warn the school, am I over reacting? The guys an idiot. This is a kid who's afraid to sleep on the top bunk for fear he'll fall out, daren't wash his hair or even shower because of fear of soap in his eyes, he's a very sensitive kid afraid of the tiniest bug! Any advice folk?
Father wants to get aggressive...
- Thread starter Binky
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That's too bad Binky, I think the boy needs intervention but I don't think in his case hitting anyone is going to help him if he's the type of kid you describe.
I also sense he might be crying out for attention (since you spoke to the teacher and she said it isn't happening the way he said it was.) Maybe he's looking to impress his father by acting like he's not afraid of getting hit by a 'man'.
It's kind of sad too that he has to make this type of thing up. I wonder why he feels he has to do that? Could he be talking about being bullied on the computer?
Did you or his mom or both of you sit him down and tell him what the teacher said, and ask him why he feels like he's being bullied?
I hope you get to the bottom of this before he takes his dad's advice and attempts to hit the other boy who isn't actually bullying him.
I also sense he might be crying out for attention (since you spoke to the teacher and she said it isn't happening the way he said it was.) Maybe he's looking to impress his father by acting like he's not afraid of getting hit by a 'man'.
It's kind of sad too that he has to make this type of thing up. I wonder why he feels he has to do that? Could he be talking about being bullied on the computer?
Did you or his mom or both of you sit him down and tell him what the teacher said, and ask him why he feels like he's being bullied?
I hope you get to the bottom of this before he takes his dad's advice and attempts to hit the other boy who isn't actually bullying him.
Well, I think there may be a lot of over-reacting here. You didn't say what age your SS is, so that clouds lings a little.
I get the Dad's point about teaching him that he CAN take care of himself. I don't think punching him is the way to do it. That's kind of like deciding it's time for him to learn to drive so take him out on the freeway, get the car up to 80 and say, "okay, slide over here, it's all yours."
I agree with Nancy, if he's not being physically bullied at school you all need to find out if there's another type of bullying going on, then look into the attention thing. Any kid craves attention, I have to believe it's magnified where custody and time spent with any given parent may not be exactly whhat the child wants.
I get the Dad's point about teaching him that he CAN take care of himself. I don't think punching him is the way to do it. That's kind of like deciding it's time for him to learn to drive so take him out on the freeway, get the car up to 80 and say, "okay, slide over here, it's all yours."
I agree with Nancy, if he's not being physically bullied at school you all need to find out if there's another type of bullying going on, then look into the attention thing. Any kid craves attention, I have to believe it's magnified where custody and time spent with any given parent may not be exactly whhat the child wants.
"the boy needs intervention" You kind of sound like his father. OK so I should have given a little more info, I apologize and really appreciate the feedback. My SS is 11 in July, we have not yet discussed the fact that we know his dads plans, however he has stopped taking his dads calls, his dad leaves messages along the lines of "I know you are listening to me and are ignoring me, pick up .. etc etc" he just does not want to speak to his dad and I think it's because of his dads "Toughen me up" plan. I don't believe that anyone should force someone into toughening up, dad or not. I do my best to stay out of him and his dads relationship, but like it or not I am there for him in the father sense of the role and see a kid his own father doesn't understand. There's nothing wrong with a little confidence booster. This whole bullying thing is part of how my SS is, I have a thread in general which no one has responded to yet but he's a unique and intelligent kid who will not follow rules unless he thinks he's made them, if you say it's bedtime at 9.30 he will find something to do to push it to 9.35, if you tell him the sky is blue he will say it's green, he likes to be the center of focus and attention, he is given a lot of attention and is very happy and is very loved, we have a happy house. I just don't have all the answers that's why I come here . .thank you all again for the wonderful feedback
If he's afraid to talk to his dad because his dad has basically said he's going to start hitting him, then it sounds like something you need to act on. IMO, stopping visitation and talking to the school wouldn't be overreacting, it would be the sensible thing to do. Depends on the situation as to the implications of stopping visitation, though.
With the bullying (or not) at school, it may be that he's just making it up, or it may really be happening. Bullying is serious. Might be worth having a chat with him about 'crying wolf'!
A big kid telling him he's going to hit him, making your SS avoid him, would definitely be classed as bullying. Oh, wait ... it's his dad that's the bully!
With the bullying (or not) at school, it may be that he's just making it up, or it may really be happening. Bullying is serious. Might be worth having a chat with him about 'crying wolf'!
A big kid telling him he's going to hit him, making your SS avoid him, would definitely be classed as bullying. Oh, wait ... it's his dad that's the bully!
I'm not sure how you mean that I sound like the boys father, so I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and take it the opposite the way that it sounds.Binky said:
If you read on,Binky, you would realize that I DO NOT agree with your ss's father, I said your ss needs intervention <I>if </I>he is in fact getting bullied which he does, someone has to intervene. I didn't suggest that he should be forced to take a beating from his dad. I think I said that clearly enough.
Now if you added that your SS is avoiding his father as you did later on, I would have to agree with csdax, keep the father away from him, maybe dads the actual bully in the boys life.
Good luck.
Prior to dad teaching him how to take a hit. Someone should teach him how effective a quick knee in dads family jewels works. Really any 11 yr old that can take a full on lick from adult would be pretty dam tough in my book. Myself I would check and see if dad can take a punch himself before he gives any lessons.
I know probably not good advice.
As far as the bullying. I would just tell him what the school said. Explain that its not that you don't believe. Just to help you understand.
I know probably not good advice.
As far as the bullying. I would just tell him what the school said. Explain that its not that you don't believe. Just to help you understand.
I might come across here playing devils advocate, but bare with me.
Did you SS tell you what Dad said or have you and your wife talked to him about it? You've already said the son can stretch the truth a bit, so maybe there is more to this story. Could Dad be offering to teach him to defend himself and just be talking a little tough in the process but not really meaning he wants to knock the kid off his feet? I can't imagine a Dad who was told by his son he was bullied, came up with a plan of action, (regardless if we agree with it), willing to buy gloves and take the amount of time to teach him to defend himself, and to be calling over and over to get the kid to talk to him not caring about the boys welfare. Perhaps looking into it a little more might clear things up. I wouldn't let a grown man hit my child with a grown mans full force, but I would let him teach him to defend himself. A person should be taught to walk away if they can, but sometimes you can't walk away. Knowing how to take a punch and land one can make a big difference in the future. All mine, girls and boys alike were taught to defend themselves.
And if the boy is just crying out for attention, well... he's gotten it. Might be a good lesson in if you cry wolf there are consequences. We are taking is seriously, talking to teachers, coming up with a plan of action and so on. And if he'd not making it up, then a little round with Dad might make him realize that doesn't have to be a punching bag for some kid at school.
Talk to the Dad. If its just a case of boxing around the front yard to build some confidence then I don't see how it would hurt.
My oldest boy was a runt. A foot shorter than all the others his age and scrawny. He took a a$$ whopping everyday he went out to play from the neighborhood boy. Talking to his parents did nothing. Forbidding the kid to come in my yard did nothing. My teenage brother and a new pair of boxing gloves for a few weeks gave Adam the push he needed to stop taking it. The day I heard the bully screaming and had to pull my son off his chest where he was sitting while pummeling the kids face was the last time he ever messed with Adam. Sometimes, you can't just turn the other cheek.
Did you SS tell you what Dad said or have you and your wife talked to him about it? You've already said the son can stretch the truth a bit, so maybe there is more to this story. Could Dad be offering to teach him to defend himself and just be talking a little tough in the process but not really meaning he wants to knock the kid off his feet? I can't imagine a Dad who was told by his son he was bullied, came up with a plan of action, (regardless if we agree with it), willing to buy gloves and take the amount of time to teach him to defend himself, and to be calling over and over to get the kid to talk to him not caring about the boys welfare. Perhaps looking into it a little more might clear things up. I wouldn't let a grown man hit my child with a grown mans full force, but I would let him teach him to defend himself. A person should be taught to walk away if they can, but sometimes you can't walk away. Knowing how to take a punch and land one can make a big difference in the future. All mine, girls and boys alike were taught to defend themselves.
And if the boy is just crying out for attention, well... he's gotten it. Might be a good lesson in if you cry wolf there are consequences. We are taking is seriously, talking to teachers, coming up with a plan of action and so on. And if he'd not making it up, then a little round with Dad might make him realize that doesn't have to be a punching bag for some kid at school.
Talk to the Dad. If its just a case of boxing around the front yard to build some confidence then I don't see how it would hurt.
My oldest boy was a runt. A foot shorter than all the others his age and scrawny. He took a a$$ whopping everyday he went out to play from the neighborhood boy. Talking to his parents did nothing. Forbidding the kid to come in my yard did nothing. My teenage brother and a new pair of boxing gloves for a few weeks gave Adam the push he needed to stop taking it. The day I heard the bully screaming and had to pull my son off his chest where he was sitting while pummeling the kids face was the last time he ever messed with Adam. Sometimes, you can't just turn the other cheek.
In my opinion it seems that this bully situation has grown over the past 13 years. If you do the math correctly that would take you back to Columbine. April 20th 1999 changed the way we look at bullying. For as long as we have been around there have been bullies. People have chosen different ways to handle it. If you go the way of "Back to the Future" or "My Bodyguard" the answer was to stand up for yourself. It seems the answer now is to avoid conflict, and run away from the problem. What is going to happen when the child is an adult, and people at his job take what they want from him because they know they can do so? People who don't learn to stand up for themselves turn into people that get taken advantage of. I don't think that the dad should teach the child to take a hit, but rather teach him to defend himself. I never started a fight in school, but if someone was aggressive towards me, I wouldn't run away in fear. It may hurt sometimes, but kids need to learn how deal with irrational people. My son is kinda wishy washy too, and I have tried to make him tougher. There isn't anything wrong with encouraging a boy to be tough. As long as they don't bully other kids with their newfound toughness.
I'm a regular volunteer in my daughter's classroom during the school year, and I must note, the teacher does NOT catch everything. I don't just mean every incident. She is unaware of many ongoing feuds, especially if they are nonviolent, or quiet and devious, or occur on the playground. I have never encountered anything serious that went unnoticed, but some kids have expressed sincere hurt to me over another student's ongoing actions - even if they do have other friends. It's quite possible that your son's teacher sincerely doesn't know about the bullying.
I was kind of thinking along the lines of Mom2All regarding the dad. My husband has instructed our children on how to punch, as well as where to aim to neutralize a serious attack. He's also shown them "how to take a punch." But in all that, he certainly never beat them up, or hurt them at all. You can simulate a punch without delivering the force. I mean, if you have not known that man to be a child abuser, then it's probably safe to say that he isn't going to be. Perhaps the 10-year-old was lying, exaggerating, or sincerely thought that was what Dad meant!
I was kind of thinking along the lines of Mom2All regarding the dad. My husband has instructed our children on how to punch, as well as where to aim to neutralize a serious attack. He's also shown them "how to take a punch." But in all that, he certainly never beat them up, or hurt them at all. You can simulate a punch without delivering the force. I mean, if you have not known that man to be a child abuser, then it's probably safe to say that he isn't going to be. Perhaps the 10-year-old was lying, exaggerating, or sincerely thought that was what Dad meant!
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