Father wants to terminate his rights...

[RACH30G]

Hi everyone! A lot of background involved in this story - the background is in my welcome post (New here - with issues).
Anyway, my daughter's bio dad has no custody currently no visitation or anything because he will not do what the court requires. He pays child support sometimes, but quits jobs regularly, or gets fired.
He petitioned the court to decrease his child support because he cannot afford it. His child support was set at $320.00 per month since day one. I have never modified, nor asked for child care, or medical bills from him.
So they tell me what paperwork to bring to the hearing. Hearing was today. They took away his credit for health insurance he was getting as he hasn't provided it in 8 years and I provide it. They tacked on the daycare (which is very reasonable, i do my best to keep it low as I have been paying it myself), and went by the guidelines, and he succeeded in . . . increasing his child support by $130.00 per month. Yep, it is now $450.00 per month .
Yes, I am married, and my husband has supported her when he doesn't and will continue to do so. Anyway, I was outside afterwards (i work across the street and needed my smoke before returning to work) and he walked by with his dad, yelling that he wants to terminate his parental rights and would do it right now. I simply asked " will you?" and he said, yes, send me the paperwork.
I am in a quandary. My daughter is 10 years old and already feels abandoned by her father (he abandoned her before custody was taken from him - if she wanted to see him, I would arrange it believe me) I think that him doing this would cause her to feel very rejected. My husband ,of course, is willing to adopt. What is your opinion on this?

 

[IADad]

I don't know that the folrmailty of a document with his parental rights makes much of a difference. He's largely abandonned her anyway, he's not likely to pay much support regardless of what the amount is. So about the only difference it seems to make is that it would make it hard for him to ever try to do anything legally to get visitation etc.

I'm thinking that she's largely going to feel abandonned by him anyway, so if that is a final step and makes things better by allowing your husband to adopt then maybe it's a good thing.

 

[mom2many]

She's going to feel the rejection of her father no matter what you do. The difference is that she has the chance to be loved and cared for by someone who <I>wants</I> to. Someone who I am presuming has already been doing it.

As she get's older she will recognize the difference between a father and a daddy. Your husband adopting her gives her a daddy, which is much more meaningful then having a father in name only. Not to mention the fact that if something were to happen to you she would get to stay with the man who has been raising and not possibly be handed over to man who finds her a burden.

 

[NancyM]

Hi Rach30 welcome

I say get the low life out of your lives for good while you got the chance. It's his loss. Your daughter already has two loving parents. It seems like he'll just keep rejecting her in the future so how much of that should she have to stand.

Do you have to leave her alone with him, because that would be a good enough reason for me to get rid of him, never having to leave him alone with her again. Sounds like he feels she's a burden to him.

IMO I say go for it, I think he would have to initiate the proposition though through the courts.

Good luck

 

[cybele]

Not to mention the fact that if something were to happen to you she would get to stay with the man who has been raising and not possibly be handed over to man who finds her a burden.

I think this is a really important thing to consider.

He's clearly not there in person, it being on paper wont change anything really, in the end you ahve to give your daughter the best environment you can, and it seems like that environment is with you and your husband.

 

[RACH30G]

Thank you everyone so much for your feedback. I go back and forth on the issue. My husband is a wonderful man, although we have only been married 2 years and they have more of a friend relationship than a daddy-daughter relationship.
I never really thought about if something happened to me other than in my will it states my mother would have full custody, and he would have to fight that I believe because at this point he has no visitation or anything with her. We lived with my mother in the past, and my mom is very involved in her life. She is a police officer, and would def. not let him take her easily. And I believe he wouldn't fight it.
I guess I didn't realize she has already been abandoned, and not much more can be done about that. She tells me all the time she never wants to see him again (although if she did I would arrange it for sure) and I want her to feel loved and safe. He is def. not safe.
In the hearing, he asked the officer if his child support would drop if he adopted his girlfriends four kids. Wow, what a reason to adopt four kids. especially since his girlfriend doesn't have custody of any of them, her HUSBAND does. Who she is still married to, separated.

I guess after 10 years of this I should not be surprised, but I am . . . I am disgusted and hurting for my daughter who's father is a complete mess.

I am a paralegal as well. I could petition for him to terminate his rights and have my husband adopt her. He would not have to. Just sign and show up at Court saying he wasn't coerced into it. My grandfather is my attorney, it makes things nice . .

I really appreciate the feedback. I didn't want to rush into anything but it seems at this point that my thoughts that all he cares about is himself were correct. I can't change him. But I can change my daughter's life for the better.

Thank you all

 

[singledad]

Hi RACH, I remember you. I wondering how you were...

I don't have a lot of time, but I just wanted to say this:

If his rights are terminated, your daughter will be hurt. Yes, she has already been abandoned, but there is still a chance (however slim) that the relationship will be repaired. Terminating his rights will bring a finality - it says "that's it" - forever - he will NEVER be daddy. It will likely be very hard for your daughter to come to terms with.

On the other hands, she has a mom and a daddy who can love her through it, not to even mention the other pro's that have been mentioned on this thread. In the end, I will add my vote to yes, do it. As hard as it will be for her, it will be better in the long run, I think.

 

[Mom2all]

Yep.. I agree. Terminate. If you don't need the money.. why keep the baggage. If something happens to you, what a bind it would leave her in.

For her, I don't think I'd act like it was her blood Dad's desire to "get rid of her" but more that her Real Father wants to adopt her to make it legal. Make it about his love and not the jerks lack of it.

 

[RACH30G]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I am going to talk to my daughter soon about her stepdad adopting her. I feel all around it is the best decision, I am just not sure how she will take it. I don't want to be one of those mothers who keeps their kid from their dad, but he has kept himself from her, and if money means more to him, then I think it best he go on with his life without her.

I agree that it will be addressed as the fact that her stepdad loves her and would like to adopt her if that's okay with her. I will let you all know what happens. I am waiting for the right time to talk to her. Sent her biodad a text today asking if he was sure about this before I talk to her. Haven't got a reply yet. Shocker. :arghh:

 

[Mom2all]

Good luck to you! I did the same thing with my older 2's Dad.. and never regretted it for a second.