First grader - Appropriate punishment advice...

[LuckyFellow_01]

Hey all,

I'm curious how some of you parents who take the mentor parenting approach would correct a child who acts up at school.

My son had a relapse of acting up at school this week. Nothing "serious". Just talking too much, not doing schoolwork, and generally not paying attention to his teacher. Now, it wouldn't be so bad if this was one episode, but we've worked really hard to make sure he knows he is suppose to pay attention.

If he is good at school, I usually play this video game with him as a bonus one weekend night. I told him we wouldn't be doing that this weekend. His mother thinks we should also cancel his park plans. I'm not sure that is a good idea, because I don't like putting so much emphasis on punishment. I also want to make sure he's not spoiled, and knows when I say something is important its not just a flippant remark.

What would a mentor parent do in this situation?

 

[Choppy]

I'm not familiar with "mentor" parenting, but I'll toss in some thoughts anyway.

I think my first instinct would be to figure out the root cause of the problem. Is this just a case of a restless child who needs a little more self-discipline, or are there other factors involved such as diet, sleep, vision/hearing, conflicts with other kids, etc?

My next question would be: how does he act at home? Does he listen to instructions and complete tasks that you as parents give to him?

Another instinct with respect to punishment would be to avoid punishments that limit your quality time with him. What about something like making him apologize to the teacher - perhaps through a written letter?

 

[IADad]

knowing what age would help a bit...I'm thinking consistency is the way to impress sincerity though.

 

[IADad]

oh, sorry, duh, first grade, rright there in the title.

The only thing I'd add, is I think somethingg that's a reward on the weekend does't really impact or influence much of the rest of the week at that age, something more immediate might help.

 

[LuckyFellow_01]

oh, sorry, duh, first grade, rright there in the title.

The only thing I'd add, is I think somethingg that's a reward on the weekend does't really impact or influence much of the rest of the week at that age, something more immediate might help.

Yes, I think you're right. Taking away his game/tv time has had minimal effect. We started making him do extra homework when he doesn't do well at school, and that really seemed to work wonders. Coincidence? I don't know, but he started to improve a lot.

Choppy, that is an interesting thought. That has me thinking a bit. Like, making him write to us what he did wrong, and how he will correct his behavior. Good homework, and maybe make him learn from his mistakes.

 

[vee220]

I would reward him for great behavior, but not for average or expected behavior. If he acts up, I think he should be punished to some extent

 

[jdjmh]

i make my 9 year old do homework over again if she doesn't do a good enough job or give her extra homework. she loves to do math homework so i usually make her do something reading or writing related as she's less inclined to want to do that.

 

[coatkl7]

I would say immediate punishment is the best. Children need to view the punishment as immediate and justified in order for it to be received well. I would say see how the first punishment works out, and see if it goes well with the child, and if his actions are changed.
I agree with not wanting too much punishment, because you don't want your child to resent you. Nonetheless, it is important for your child to know that you are in a position of power, and if he does not act in a correct way in school, something will be taken away. I'd say stand strong and take something away that doesn't have to do with your interaction with him. Maybe don't let him have a play date until he no longer acts up in school. You don't want his punishment to be that you won't hang out with him. Again, just some advice. Hope it was a little helpful!

 

[Hartz75]

I make my daughter do my homework, she was always "forgetting" her homework so everytime she did not have homeowrk I gave her homework, she soon started remembering her homework.

I also do make my daughter (who is in grade 1) appologize or write an appology letter when she has done wrong.

 

[Dale Simmons]

Hartz75 sounds like good advice.
I'll try it with my own kids.

 

[octomom1990]

i make my retard cut me a switch

 

[octomom1992]

i would just give first grader a time out

 

[mydarkpassenger]

I think there's some good advice here, however I do think you should continue playing video games with your kid despite his grades. I believe it's important to spend quality time with your kids doing things they enjoy(at least once or twice a week) to have a healthy relationship. Video games are a good form of social bonding as well as playing cards, playing basketball, etc.

 

[johnweyen]

"Bonding" time really shouldn't be used as punishment. I would look for some other way to get the message across that misbehavior in school will not be tolerated. Take away something he enjoys for a week or limit his time with friends until he can act more appropriately in school. Children rise to the level of our expectations. Just don't use the bonding time as punishment.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I was in your shoes not too long ago with my son. I had a very hard time finding an appropriate consequence for him. I had decided on making him write a sentence when he got home. If he was talking in class, he would write "I will not talk out in class." Something short, but I would have him write it 5 to 10 times. If I could go back and change it, I would. It didn't really change the behavior and the end result is that he doesn't like to write. Now he is 9 years old and will continually write the absolute minimum requirement on any given assignment.

If I would have known then what I know now, I would have observed the class. I was only getting reports from the teacher, who couldn't watch him the entire time, and the reports were not getting to the root of the problem. I fumbled for two years before I got to the root of his problem, which was much deeper than I could have ever imagined. The school my son is in resisted my attempts to observe, but I should have insisted.

My advice would be to take the time to observe him in the classroom. You may be able to see something that teachers can't. After you get a better idea of what is happening, what is triggering it, you can work on the problem and find a consequence that fits the behavior.

I also agree that the consequence should not be anything that involves denying the child quality parent time or physical activity. These are things that most children need more of and should never be used as a punishment.

 

[dblanketyblank]

I think the problem is your punishment is not associated with the crime. Children need to be punished immediately after they do something wrong so they can associate the punishment with their wrong act.
What you are doing I think just seems like arbitrary punishment to him since it's too distant. It's tough since he's doing it in school, but perhaps you can find something you can reward him for like a good weekly report.

 

[sfrank182]

Yes, I think you're right. Taking away his game/tv time has had minimal effect. We started making him do extra homework when he doesn't do well at school, and that really seemed to work wonders. Coincidence? I don't know, but he started to improve a lot.

Choppy, that is an interesting thought. That has me thinking a bit. Like, making him write to us what he did wrong, and how he will correct his behavior. Good homework, and maybe make him learn from his mistakes.

Good thoughts - our daughter had the same issue of talking. We took away a few privileges and made her write a letter to her teacher explaining why it is important to not talk in class and to apologize for disrupting the class.

Seems to have worked.