forum type thing?...

[budnkota]

I may be grasping at straws here, but I'll describe what I am looking for, and please let me knw if you've heard of something like it, and where I would find such a thing

I would like to be able to have a place where I can exchange info with R's dad, without having to contact him directly (b/c his latest fiance has it in her head that I am trying to get him back simply b/c I'll tell him if R has a doc appt or something.)
I considered MySpace, but even though you can make a private profile, I don't think that'd go over well. I need something that would maybe be password protected or something so that nobody can access it without being authorized (he makes a bit production out of the fact I used to have a blog about R when he was a baby)
any thoughts? suggestions?
Maybe I need to start my own business, hosting some kind of info exchange thing like that. Except then I'd probably actually have to get the internet, rather than paying the neighbor $20 to use her WI-FI access.

 

[Music-dad]

Buy your own domain, like budnkota.com (or whatever) my website costs me $173 per year and I totally control it, I can add a password protected page, should I need it. I am in Canada and use Bell Hosting, try to find the American equivilent, just ask your current phone co. if they can provide the same service, or find one that does.

 

[musicmom]

Why are you so worried about the fiance? Am I missing something. You shouldn't have to hide anything if you share a child. I'm lost.
ps. Instead of a domain you have to pay for there are tons of free ones.

 

[1dayatatime]

Does email not work?

 

[Music-dad]

I agree MM, however most of the free ones don't allow you to add password protected pages that are completely secure.

I too agree with MM on the "why should this be an issue"? bit

You should have open communication for things like Dr. appt's.

As well, I agree with 1day, why can't email cut it?

 

[Cthru]

I don't think a forum setting would work for you.
Don't worry about what his finance thinks.. tough cookies for ms jealous.
You are a mom and he is a dad and the communication needs to remain open and civil for the sake of the child. If she can't handle that too bad so sad. I'd keep it in email or via phone.

 

[Music-dad]

I don't think a forum setting would work for you.
Don't worry about what his finance thinks.. tough cookies for ms jealous.
You are a mom and he is a dad and the communication needs to remain open and civil for the sake of the child. If she can't handle that too bad so sad. I'd keep it in email or via phone.

Well said!!!!

I will repeat..."Too Bad, So Sad!", for ms Jealous.

 

[budnkota]

It shouldn't, but it all plays into the custody stuff I mentioned the other day. Evaluator is buying their BS that I am trying to contact him because I want him. She's even written something like that in her report. Frightening that anybody would beleive that, but she met with him AND the fiance before she ever met me, so she heard their party line TWICE. Meaning she has some pretty strong preconceived notions before she ever met me. Her policy stated that the initial meeting was w/the parents together, which is more fair. That should have been followed - but the meeting w/Amy before even meeting me? I think that is exceptionally inappropriate. Especially since I told her I could come in at any time. It wasn't a matter of that's how the scheduling worked or anything like that.

Her report also stated that I never accomodate and all of that - even though I have altered my schedule every couple weeks to cater to him.
I was stunned during our mtg when I said that I was tired of always being the one to accomodate his demands, while he is never willing to flex anything for me. Her response was "It doesn't sound to me like you accomodate anything." What? Kind of funny that I let him take Ry during MY scheduled spring break, accomodated 2 schedule changes w/his daughters to allow him to have them on the same weekend, let him take him for part of Easter, even though it was my holiday... the list goes ON and ON. I have a nice little color-code chart showing most of my accomodations - and the times that he didn't honor his committments. pathetic.
How odd is this? We met in Feb, and she finally issued the report on May 19. In her report, she wrote that I was a sub teacher, but hadn't been called in since February. Uhmmm... how would she have any idea when I was called in, since she hasn't spoken to me since like Feb 9th? It's really, really odd.
Fortunately, much of what she wrote can be easily proven false and my attorney should be able to render her entire report pretty questionable because of those types of inaccuracies.

He is not really interested in what is going on with our son, but I feel an obligation to let him know, simply b/c it's best for R. I also want to make it accessible to a few other people (such as his parents), inviting them to keep up to date on what's going on in R's life. My reasoning for that? Because I want this to be the primary method of communication - and he can't continue to make many of the claims he does with regard to R and visitation if select others can clearly see that his stories are not accurate.
I also know that he feeds Amy a whole lot of BS about our communication. I heard the same stories myself once, with regard to his ex-wife. It's going to be hard for him to keep those claims up if she can log in herself and see what is said.
Another plus - if I make headings like health, school, etc, it will say how many people have viewed it. If I post that he went to the docs and nobody has read it, that demonstrates a lack of interest on his part
So if I put it in some kind of private forum, I am in no way contacting him - just putting the info in an accessible place.

In answer to a calling comment, he is barred from calling me by a court order, due to the levels of harassment. And that isn't a good option anyway, since he lies so pathologically and I need to have everything documented. Does n't stop him from lying, but at least it gives me something to demonstrate theres a credibility problem

 

[1dayatatime]

Man do I know how you feel. It sucks so much. Since we started the email only thing it worked for a few weeks, now she doesn't respond other to say whatever she wants. One more month. I'm sorry we both have to deal with this.

 

[Music-dad]

Ok, I followed up on you other posts, it seems to me that even if you did get him the info you would want you are co-violating a court order, and with his current attitude, he would just turn you in, and then you are in trouble. This is one of the oddest situations I've ever been privy too, to tell you the truth.

I would get yourself the best lawyer you can afford, but if ex-hubby has no interest in his child, I say at this point why take the risk, if you break a "no contact" court order, you are the "bad guy" in the eyes of the law, and that will give him the upper hand.

If you were to set up a secret website for his eyes only, how long do you think it would take for him to turn over the URL and the password to his lawyers and then the authorities, and try to turn the tables on you?

I say, at this point, lay low, follow the court recommendations to a tee, if he tries to contact you, inform the authorities immediately, don't take any chances what-so-ever. Do everything by-the-book!

Get a good lawyer now!, and ask his advice on every single move you make.

Don't take a chance on losing custody, if he doesn't wanna know anything, don't bother telling him anything. (for now at least)

I believe you were the OP of the "Nightmare" Thread,?

 

[ljmahr]

I agree with Music-dad. If he doesn't want to know anything why tell him? Especially when there is a court order. I don't see why you would want him to know doc appts and such if he isn't interested in knowing? Something that took me a long time to realize is: You can not force someone to be a good parent, they have to want to. It was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn with my oldest 2 dd's father. It sounds to me like you just want what is best for your ds and you think it's having a father. Why would he want a father who doesn't care about doc appts or other appts? I would run everything by my lawyer before I did anything.

 

[.:Kalli Rae:.]

Yep I totally agree with Laura and MD. Don't do anything without running it by your lawyer and just lay low for now.

 

[musicmom]

Ok, I followed up on you other posts, it seems to me that even if you did get him the info you would want you are co-violating a court order, and with his current attitude, he would just turn you in, and then you are in trouble. This is one of the oddest situations I've ever been privy too, to tell you the truth.

I would get yourself the best lawyer you can afford, but if ex-hubby has no interest in his child, I say at this point why take the risk, if you break a "no contact" court order, you are the "bad guy" in the eyes of the law, and that will give him the upper hand.

If you were to set up a secret website for his eyes only, how long do you think it would take for him to turn over the URL and the password to his lawyers and then the authorities, and try to turn the tables on you?

I say, at this point, lay low, follow the court recommendations to a tee, if he tries to contact you, inform the authorities immediately, don't take any chances what-so-ever. Do everything by-the-book!

Get a good lawyer now!, and ask his advice on every single move you make.

Don't take a chance on losing custody, if he doesn't wanna know anything, don't bother telling him anything. (for now at least)

I believe you were the OP of the "Nightmare" Thread,?

I agree. They see woman doing exactly what you are doing all the time. Don't think that you are coming up with something new. I am exhausted just by reading it I couldn't imagine living in it.
I agree with md on this.

 

[Ari2]

He is not really interested in what is going on with our son, but I feel an obligation to let him know, simply b/c it's best for R. I also want to make it accessible to a few other people (such as his parents), inviting them to keep up to date on what's going on in R's life. My reasoning for that? Because I want this to be the primary method of communication - and he can't continue to make many of the claims he does with regard to R and visitation if select others can clearly see that his stories are not accurate.
I also know that he feeds Amy a whole lot of BS about our communication. I heard the same stories myself once, with regard to his ex-wife. It's going to be hard for him to keep those claims up if she can log in herself and see what is said.
Another plus - if I make headings like health, school, etc, it will say how many people have viewed it. If I post that he went to the docs and nobody has read it, that demonstrates a lack of interest on his part
So if I put it in some kind of private forum, I am in no way contacting him - just putting the info in an accessible place.

Maybe you don't want a comment like this and are just looking for technical info. If so, just ignore what follows.

You say that you want private forum because 1) it's best for your son that his dad have a way to follow his life, 2) it will let others such as your son's paternal grandparents to stay updated, 3) other, such as the grandparents and Amy, will read your posts and believe you, not him, and 4) his not logging in will show a lack of interest. All of this seems like you might want to step back and reconsider.

Would his parents and Amy believe you over him simply because they read your posts on the net? If they were so willing to believe you, why haven't they believed any of the (I am assuming) sworn documents that are part of your case? Or anything you have said in person? I don't see how putting it on the net will give you more credibility with regard to people who know you in person and - for whatever reason, logical or not - distrust what you are saying. And I think regardless of the medium (online, court document, whatever), his parents and his GF would be unlikely at this point to believe your version of events over his.

I think a similar thing applies with regard to him not logging in. I think it would reasonable for a court or person to come to a conclusion other than that he is disinterested. It may be that he believes his viewing it will violate the spirit of the restraining order. Or it may be that relations between the two of you are so contentious that he doesn't want anything to do with your forum or sees ignoring it as a way to hurt you.

As for doing what is best for your son: I think it is wonderful that you want to keep the paternal side of his family informed. But perhaps not until things between you and your son's father have cooled down significantly. In the meantime, you could keep a journal or scrapbook, with the idea that one day it will be possible for your son's father and his family to enjoy and realize what they missed and the costs of this conflict. It seems like the best thing for your son is for his parents to find a way to have a civil relationship after all this is finished. I hope that happens for all three of you, but this idea seems like it could turn into another point of contention between the two of you and another way for you to be hurt by him.

 

[budnkota]

The court order is not against me. It is against him. He is not allowed to call me at all, and is only allowed to contact me via email or text message. It would in no way be a violation of ANYTHING for me to make the information available to him. As a matter of fact, there are things that I am legally obligated to make him aware of.

And since he likes to claim that he's so "denied" and that I am attempting to "alienate" him (ironic, considering I go out of my way to make sure Ry respects his relationships with his father's family), it is important that I have a history of documents.

I don't mean completely private - I'll give the URL to the parenting coordinator, attorneys and a few family members on both sides. It's not some kind of covert, undercover operation - but I also don't want identifying information being spilled out to whomever should happen upon it.

Obviously, I can't HARASS him or anything like that, but I am in no way prohibited from providing him info.

 

[Ari2]

The court order is not against me. It is against him. He is not allowed to call me at all, and is only allowed to contact me via email or text message. It would in no way be a violation of ANYTHING for me to make the information available to him. As a matter of fact, there are things that I am legally obligated to make him aware of.

And since he likes to claim that he's so "denied" and that I am attempting to "alienate" him (ironic, considering I go out of my way to make sure Ry respects his relationships with his father's family), it is important that I have a history of documents.

I don't mean completely private - I'll give the URL to the parenting coordinator, attorneys and a few family members on both sides. It's not some kind of covert, undercover operation - but I also don't want identifying information being spilled out to whomever should happen upon it.

Obviously, I can't HARASS him or anything like that, but I am in no way prohibited from providing him info.

I didn't mean to imply the court order is against you. I changed the sentence from "It may be that he believes it will violate the spirit of the restraining order" to "It may be that he believes his viewing it will violate the spirit of the restraining order" to reflect better what I meant. I'm sorry if I was unclear or made it sound like the order was against you.

 

[budnkota]

I nned to clraify a few things.
1) he likes to try to claim that he's "denied" all the time. If the info is made available to him, he can choose to access it if he wants to. If he doesn't, that's his perogative, but it would be available. How can I be attempting to "alienate" him as claimed, when it's very clearly documented that info was made available to him. Going through hundreds of pages of emails over the past few years gets to be a nightmare. But if I were to create different categories, it'd be all condensed into one categorized space

2) It's also not about his family "beleiving." However, it's hard for him to say that I am denying him and all of the other claims he makes when others can see that is not the case. I made at least 10 major accomodations in the past 2 1/2 months, but even the evaluator said that "it doesn't look like you accomodate to me." If you are choosing to miss it, it would be very easy to do at this point. It's less easy to do when it's all on the same page, rather than back-and forth emails. I can print the whole page at once and it eliminates the flipping back and forth between documents. That's what he depends on, that others are not exposed to his interactions with the other party. He's totally different when there is somebody to hold him accountable or he thinks there's even a chance somebody could be looking on. Even if he thinks member of my family are checking in on the site to see what's up with Ry, he's going to be different.
As far as Amy goes, she's made ludicrous claims regarding my contact (that it's "daily" and an attempt to get him back), but I think it's because she sincerely beleives what he tells her I know I did with regard to his ex-wife at one time. (and keep in mind, the evaluator bought every word they said, even when the facts contradicted it.. ). It's a little harder for her to make those claims when she actually SEES what is said. "Ry shoved a bead up his nose. @ docs to remove" is a far cry from an attempt to get with somebody. But that's not what he tells her. Just as he used to do to me with relation to his exwife (I only found out later), he'll just make things up to be able to play the victim. She can't really make assinine comments like that when A) she actually sees what is written and B) He's seeking out the info, not me directly contacting him

3) I don't anticipate a synopsis of events that occur between the parties - but rather when he decided that he is going to ask me to change the schedule, it's documented. Right now, these things come through meetings w/parenting coordinator, and she does not document who made the request. Only that a change was made. It's always ME making the adjustments, but you don't see that right now, because he's not asking in a written format.

4) he has no problem accessing my info on other internet formats. Amy has kind of stalked me around the internet a bit and he has made that known.

THe last advice I was given by the attorney was to make sure everything was documented. That would include providing him information <I>(he's claimed to the court before that he was not given information that he WAS given)</I>. Even when I moved and gave him the info, he claimed he didn't know where we lived. For this reason, attempts to make info accessible to him need to always be clearly documented. accomodations, information about Ry's well-being and progress, etc. I do this by saving emails, but it's so hard to keep organized that way.

 

[musicmom]

I guess I don't understand how there is a restraining order that you placed against him for a reason but you want to go against it. It doesn't matter that it's on him and not you. You still have to obide as well.
If you want his family to know what's going on with the child then scrap book every few months and give it to them.
You seem to be stirring trouble.
Let the garbage fall where it may, you have your child. You should have what you want.
Get a filing cabnet, it's not that hard to save things.
Do they think you are crazy? What are they trying to prove? It does sound like you are causing more issues to be honest.
Why can't you just stop. This Amy person (the fiance should not play even a small part in any of thise) I guess its just our town. Our judges do not even allow gf's into the court rooms.