Going Out Partying...

[Shaun Austin]

Hey me and my wife are currentlly struggling with our eldest Sam (17) who seems to think Saturdays are his day to miss curfew. Both of our teenagers are aloud to go out with friends as long as they are back home by the latest 10 on a school night or 1am on a weekend, Callum (16) is quite good at being on time and following the other rules associated with going out. Sam on the other hand seems to think that 1am means 2:30am or sometimes later. Now usually both me and Charlotte (my wife) are asleep in bed at this time and don't want to wake the whole house arguing with Sam at that time. We also find it is best when hes sobered up to bring it up with him. However when we do bring it up he always has an excuse. We are really struggling with the following things inparticular with this issue:
- Do we punish when his excuses may be truthful?
- Do we introduce a parent taxi scheme so they have a definate way home?
- How do we continue giving Sam the freedom but make sure rules are followed?
- How do we deal with the situation without causing a family dispute

 

[mom2many]

Lock your doors at curfew time and if they are in the house then great. If not they can find themselves somewhere else to sleep. Sounds easy enough, but most parents do not like to wake up to surprise visitors in the morning.

For me, following rules is about respect. Can't respect the rules then there will be consequences. So you will be locked out and the following weekend you can stay home.

All of my kids live at home, these are adult children, and my curfew is 12 am. Sometimes they come home and sometimes they don't and on occasion they have slept in their car. Not so bad in the summer, sucks in the winter. I know that sounds harsh, but they don't really mind.

As for freedom, it's earned, if you can't follow the rules your freedom is restricted.

 

[Shaun Austin]

Thanks that has really helped!!! It seems that Sam respects us in everything but this rule. He always has an excuse something along the line of 'had no way to get home' or 'took a friend home'. We don't want to punish him incase they are truthful excuses, because he doesn't normally lie to either of us.

 

[ikon99]

Sounds like Sam is drinking and not obeying the rules. Please tell me he is not also driving while under the influence. I agree w mom2many. Lock the doors.

 

[Shaun Austin]

No he doesn't have a car he can drive but hes not aloud to drive his mums car when off out partying or his moped. so no there is no driving and I think I will be bringing up the idea of locking doors with Charlotte

 

[ikon99]

Good luck Shaun Austin, please let us know how this works. I have a 9 year old and may have to deal w this in 8 years

 

[Shaun Austin]

we will do but a tip to start which is one thing we have learnt with Callum - don't be overly strict on curfew give them a say 10 minute allowance incase there is an genuine issue. Also don't give them money to go out except for birthdays or christmas make them earn their nights out it helps them learn about the value of money and saving up.

 

[akmom]

I can't give advice as a parent since all mine are too young to go out alone, but I do remember being a teen. My parents didn't have a set "curfew" for us, but did expect us to provide a time at which we'd be home, and they'd let us know if it was acceptable to them. If we breached that deadline, they expected a phone call, but never punished us. If they didn't get a phone call, they'd come looking for us and it had nothing to do with us being in trouble; they just assumed something was wrong. (For my sister, that was indeed the case once.)

Those were the days before most people had cell phones, and we still managed to call our parents if we expected to be late. Now it seems you could spare yourself the worry by supplying your kids with a $10 prepaid cell phone they can use to alert you immediately if they can't get a ride or something else comes up. Why sit at home wondering in this age of communications? And personally I can't imagine locking out a household member. I guess rules are rules; it's just not a rule I see as worth freezing over. I'd rather suspend their outing privileges for the following weekend, which should be adequate incentive for them next time. Just my thoughts.

 

[mom2many]

I started locking the door cause if I didn't they would 'sneak' in get the dogs to barking and then waking up kids. Then I discovered that it made them really think through there choices and learned to plan things out.

Also, even at 18 there is a curfew ( city and state) and that is midnight during the weekend and 10 during the weekday. Our cops do not play around with that, they like me feel there is absolutely nothing they should be doing at that time of night, especially when you consider most things close around here by 10-11 at night. my rules were and are very clear.

1. If your friends take you somewhere they better have you home by curfew or you will not be going out with them. It shows me that they are not trustworthy, nor do they care that they will get into trouble.

2. I also had a 24 hour rule, if I didn't have 24 hours notice don't ask to do it. With so many kids it could get crazy complicated if I wasn't given a heads up. Since my own kids would forget to ask, then get told no. Their friends started asking for them lol

there were more but they were negotiable.

 

[Shaun Austin]

Just to keep you informed I have discussed with Charlotte and we have discussed with Sam and Callum and despite some questions on our trust of them they have agreed to a trial period so keep you're fingers crossed.

 

[Mom2all]

The coming in drunk at 17 is a problem. Not following curfew.. I agree.. lock him out. I've had 2 boys that when they got a little older thought the curfew didn't count. They've slept in the shed, in the hammock and once in a car. They make it in before curfew or sleep outside. Its not to much to call if they'll be late occasionally.

And PS. Just to say.. they don't need to agree to it for a trial period. Its your rules.. your house.. their choice to follow them or not.

 

[singledad]

our eldest Sam (17)
...
We also find it is best when hes sobered up to bring it up with him.

Wait. There's an elephant in the room.

Now, I'm not one to freak out about a 17 year old drinking, and I know it's legal in the UK, but a 17 year old <U>getting drunk on a regular basis</U>? Do you think that's ok? Do you realise that his brain is still developing, and that excessive use of alcohol can have disastrous effects on an immature brain?

However when we do bring it up he always has an excuse. We are really struggling with the following things inparticular with this issue:
- Do we punish when his excuses may be truthful?

A truthful excuse is not necessarily a good excuse. "Had no way to get home" - really? That sounds like lack of planning. If he can plan for something as basic as getting home, he shouldn't be going out.
"Had to take a friend home". Ok, so why couldn't he have taken the friend home before his curfew?

I would not have accepted either of these excuses...

 

[NancyM]

Hey me and my wife are currentlly struggling with our eldest Sam (17) who seems to think Saturdays are his day to miss curfew. Both of our teenagers are aloud to go out with friends as long as they are back home by the latest 10 on a school night or 1am on a weekend, Callum (16) is quite good at being on time and following the other rules associated with going out. Sam on the other hand seems to think that 1am means 2:30am or sometimes later. Now usually both me and Charlotte (my wife) are asleep in bed at this time and don't want to wake the whole house arguing with Sam at that time. We also find it is best when hes sobered up to bring it up with him. However when we do bring it up he always has an excuse. We are really struggling with the following things inparticular with this issue:
- Do we punish when his excuses may be truthful?
- Do we introduce a parent taxi scheme so they have a definate way home?
- How do we continue giving Sam the freedom but make sure rules are followed?
- How do we deal with the situation without causing a family dispute

I have a 21 yr old son, so I can relate to your frustration.

However shaun, I would be more concerned that my son was drinking too much, than being late with curfew. It's possible that he's to drunk to know what time it is and is probably one reason why he keeps coming in after 1am. I think you need to set limits for him and be consistant with the consequences.

Speaking from experience, this age group thinks their parents are stupid and feel they can handle anything such as alcohol and drugs. Punishing him only proves his point that parents don't know anything about teen-agers. (in their mind) It doesn't make sense but we all felt that way.

I would never lock my intoxicated child out of his home. I would be afraid he'd get hurt or wander off or whatever.

You have to set tougher limits, like if he's not home by 1 am, tell him you'll be at the place were he's partying at cerfew time to take him home. And will go inside to find him if he doesn't come out. Something like that, than follow through, nothing worse than 'Uncle Buck' pulling up to come and get you! Worse than locking out. lol

I would be careful not to close him down as far as communicating goes, most kids don't want their parents to know they are doing these things, seems like you have a good enough repore with him about the drinking, and he doesn't hide this from you.

I may have missed it, but how does he get home? If he doesn't drive is he driving with someone else who has also been drinking? Equally dangerous.


Good luck

 

[Shaun Austin]

Let me tell you the drink rules:
-no drinking when out on school nights
-know your limits
-only buy what you can afford
-buy ALL drinks above board
-stay with drinks at all time (in case spiking is going on)
-home by curfew (the problem)
-always have a designated driver or save money for a taxi (no using the bus as they can not be trusted at this hour)
-keep phone on for emergancys and toped up.
for those concerned with his drinking we have talked about it and he has accepted our terms for drinking. May I also add that Callum is NOT aloud to drink when not in our presence because british law states that alcohol must not be publicly consumed until 17 unless under the presence of an adult. At 17 they are aloud to drink without parental guidance however can not buy alcohol until they reach 18. This part of the law (not aloud to buy until aged 18) fills us with hope for Sam because many of his 18 year old friends are responsible and know the rules and won't endager Sam.

 

[cybele]

Honestly, I don't see an issue with his drinking. My eldest is of legal age and I recognise that she can go out and drink if she so chooses to and I'm really not within my rights to kick up a stink (not that I would anyway, she's an adult and I trust her to make her own decisions and I have no desire to keep her as my little baby) I think it just gets confusing when you are so used to it being one way, then you start thinking about a situation where it is another and you apply your own legalities to it.

I think it's really awesome that you discussed it with the boys and they agreed to it, I've kept out of the thread because my kids don't have a curfew, the older ones have their own keys and can come and go as they please, but I know them and trust them and know that they are not out doing stupid crap... most of the time, they're teenagers, they're meant to do at least some stupid crap.

However, the fact that they are willing to sit down and agree to rules regarding drinking and curfew like mature adults suggests that they are good kids with sensible heads on their shoulders. Sounds good to me.

 

[Shaun Austin]

Yeah they can be good kids when they want to be. Never had any issues with them I'll be honest, we have great relationships with them. But like all kids they can be the opersite of great too. Mind you there are things we would do the same and things we would do differently with younger two

 

[bssage]

I think what you have laid down is reasonable. I disagree with the locking out. But for other reasons. Generally if I were dropped at home. They dont stick around like a good date to see if I made it in. So I would be alone in the country. Also I am pretty good getting into a house that is locked. A byproduct of having a big brother and locking each other out frequently. I personally dont want someone climbing in a window or picking a lock when I am sleeping.

I agree that its more about respect and less about the rule. I sleep odd hours because of my work. And when I lived with my folks I worked the off shifts. I found it very effective to illustrate how destructive waking me was by: Waking them in the wee hours asking them to sit with me in the living room for something important. Then while they wipe the sleep out of their eyes explain that his is how I feel when they dont respect my sleep.

I would guess since he is up so late. It would be very easy for your wife and you to get him up at say 05:00 am sit him on the couch or kitchen. And explain things to him then. I have had extreme success with this. Never had to do it twice.

my 2 cents

 

[Shaun Austin]

That sounds like a good idea I must admit a bit of early morning goodness for our wonderful 17 year old

 

[akmom]

Also, even at 18 there is a curfew ( city and state) and that is midnight during the weekend and 10 during the weekday. Our cops do not play around with that, they like me feel there is absolutely nothing they should be doing at that time of night, especially when you consider most things close around here by 10-11 at night.

Wow, I can't imagine living like that! Who are they to tell an adult where they can be at night? My husband and I love to go on midnight walks. We often take our kids out on late night walks to see the stars, watch the auroras or listen for owls. If a particularly good meteor shower or auroras are predicted, we put the kids to bed at 7 and wake them up at midnight to see it. We put them in snow gear and pull them in a packing sled down the roadside ATV trail.

When I was a teen we loved hiking at night and trying to scare each other. Obviously not every night, but it was definitely something we thought worth doing! What kind of world is Idaho??

 

[mom2many]

I didn't say anything about the drinking because I understand that it is different here, so on that issue our perceptions would be different.

As for coming and going as they please. My rules follow state laws when the laws apply to them. I have a very short time frame where I am dead to the world, after that everything wakes me up. It's not unusually for me to be up and down 10 times a night, so kids coming and going and their own free will does not work for me, and after 21 years of almost always having a baby waking me all through the night......... I am NOT about to loose anymore sleep then I have to lol