Good parent/Bad parent...

[ResponsibleDad]

Hi,

I don't usually write a lot at this forum, but this time I feel that I need advice. My son have had some issues this summer - bad self-image, lack of appetite, generally bad behaviour - and I feel that it have gotten out of hand. Last week he came home with bruises. He was also recently caught shoplifting at the local store. They chose not to press charges, but we are really disappointed in him.

My wife talks a lot about this new way of viewing parenting, which she apparently heard on Oprah or one of those shows, where one parent is supposed to be the sensible one, and the other is the one in charge of the harsher sides of parenting. This is a very common way of dividing the roles, with the father punishing and the mother being supportive - at least this is the way my parents were.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Turns out I'm going to be the "bad parent" and i'm not sure if I'm comfortable with it.. What to do?

 

[parentastic]

My wife talks a lot about this new way of viewing parenting, which she apparently heard on Oprah or one of those shows, where one parent is supposed to be the sensible one, and the other is the one in charge of the harsher sides of parenting. This is a very common way of dividing the roles, with the father punishing and the mother being supportive - at least this is the way my parents were.

As you say yourself, there is nothing "new" in this parenting choice. I cannot tell you what you can or should do with your children, it has to come from you and I think a part of this, is to feel comfortable with what you do.

What I can do, however, is tell you that this "parenting technique", so to speak, is not going to solve your problems or your son's behavior.
The solution lies in communication - not discipline.
You will need to sit down with your son, listen to him, reconnect and restore the relationship. You cannot do this in a true natural way while artificially play the "good/bad cop" in the house. These are deep, long term and meaningful relationships that are under stress and strain, only real and meaningful and long term solutions will work.

What are your son's needs? What pushes him to join gangs and do illegal things? There is a reason behind his behavior - a lack of feeling properly attached, a lack of feeling like he belongs to something meaningful, a need to find a secondary "family" in which his acts are seen as bravery and acceptance. Find out why, and think about why it is that he has to turn toward a gang to get his needs, why his natural family does not offer him what he needs.

Good luck,
Nicolas, Family Life Educator

 

[Squishy]

How old is your son?

First, Oprah is an entertainer. Famous, yes. Popular beyond belief, yes. Influential beyond her actual qualifications, most definitively yes! But still, just an entertainer. What she says is largely for the entertainment of her viewers, she's hardly an expert, and surely not on something as complicated as parenting. So, dismiss the 'advice' and overly simplistic bromides she offers.

Instead, sit down with your son and talk with him a non accusatory way and try to find out what's going on for him and why he's behaving this way.

Typically, people of any age behave differently as a response to other things that affect their judgment..something's on his mind. By discussing those, you usually see a return of good judgment and self control.

 

[jessicams]

I personally don't understand this way of thinking. Shouldn't both parents be responsible for discipline and support? I don't want to have to call my husband every time one of the girls act up when they get older so he can punish them and I don't want them hating him because he's seen as the bad guy. I also don't want to be seen as the bad guy either. I think both parents need to have an equal say in punishment and support.

 

[MomoJA]

Your child's behavior seems to be a cry for help to me. Something is going on that he isn't ready to talk about, and he never will be ready to talk about it if you start being "bad cop" with him.

I'd start off doing some investigation. Is he being bullied? Has he been sucked into a gang? Is he using drugs?

You still need to be firm. He needs to know that you are in charge enough that you will have the "power" to help him. So you can't be wishy washy. He probably wouldn't respect too much "kindness" at this point. But he needs to know that whatever he has done or is being done to him will not change your feelings for him. That you will support him no matter what and defend him no matter what.

Good luck.

 

[dave]

What I can do, however, is tell you that this "parenting technique", so to speak, is not going to solve your problems or your son's behavior.
The solution lies in communication - not discipline.
Nicolas, Family Life Educator

^^

I refuse to be the bad parent it would ruin the whole experience, call me selfish but i am hell bent on enjoying parenting to the fullest.

 

[ResponsibleDad]

And yes, I really feel that this good parent/bad parent is not very good. Yesterday we mixed up the roles and suddenly I had to be the good one and my wife the bad one. While Oprah encourage such a model of parenting, I sometimes feel that this bipolar schizophrenic parenting is somehow damaging to my son. I feel that he needs stability and balance, and support, not another roleplay.
Apart from at home, I don't think he has been bullied. The other kids at school are generally being very acceptive of him, and I don't think he's been dragged into any bad social circles. My wife and I have done our best to isolate him and create a safe environment. That said, I think both parents need to have an equal say in punishment and support. Also, he needs to know that whatever he has done or is being done to him will not change my feelings for him and that I will support him no matter what and defend him no matter what - sometimes that is what being a good parent is about.

I've tried to talk, but he always says that he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't want to force him, but I have problems explaining to him that this is very important. What should I do?

 

[Choppy]

If you feel you are playing a role, chances are on some level, your son senses this too.

The risks with this are: (1) that he will begin to lose trust in what you say and do, and (2) begin to start to figure out what role he is supposed to play in the grande scheme of things. If the person in charge of you is playing the role of a prison guard, chances are pretty good you'll assume the role of an inmate.

Stay genuine.

You know your son far better than Oprah does and together with your wife you can decide on the most appropriate ways to dealing with any issues he has. Discipline is always part of the equation, but for it to be effective, it needs to follow a logical course of events. If you don't believe it's appropriate, there's no way your son will.

 

[Christopher]

Some excellent points have been made already. But it all boils down to what I feel to be a simple fact - rules & boundaries are needed. And both parents are responsible for maintaining them.

The best way to have realistic rules & boundaries is to have open communication with your kids so that they understand them/why they exist and the penalties for breaking them.

It sounds to me as if there is a lot going on 'behind the scenes' in your son's emotional life that you do not have a clue about.

 

[jshay]

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