Has anyone advice on a bitter divorce case and helping children heal?...

[poppysmum]

Hi,
I am new to the forum and I am going through a terrible separation from my ex. He moved out of the house 2 months ago and a week after he moved out I found e-mails to another woman, and found out he had been planning on leaving me for months. His girlfriend also left her husband the same week! I have 2 children (10 and 13) who are living with me. (although he wants my son to live with him). My daughter knows a bit about what is going on and my ex has already told the kids that he has feeling for someone else(2 weeks after he moved out over Thanksgiving) . She worked with him for 7 years and the kids even know her.
My son is blaming me for everything because he doesn't understand, and of course he doesn't know about the e-mails. Has anyone else out there been through anything like this. My son is seeing a therapist at his school. I need advice,
Thank you so much

 

[Kaytee]

I have not been through any of this, but wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope your children will soon come to know you did the right thing. There are many on here that have been divorced.

 

[musicmom]

Children are very aware of things. Taking your son to a therapist is ok. A group of his peers going through the same thing may help a bit better.
You son is old enough to sit down and give facts to. He doesn't need to know details. What your husband did was wrong regaurdless. You husband is a coward and shouldn't even call himself a man. You husband already doesn't sound like a good roll model for your son. He can be raised with better morals and standards.
Once your husband settles in with Miss HO, he will find himself bored with her. Just sit back and let fate have it's way with them. Let him think he did you a favor.
Ten is a bit young but she will understand a bunch. I would research online and make a plan before sitting down with them.
Print out those emails and keep for court records. Also, save ALL reciepts for groceries, kids clothes, for EVERYTHING so you can prove the way you are used to living.
Word of advice....go down and file for child support ASAP and temporary emergency custody of the children. Have three years of W2's ready, kids socials and birth certificates, any of his pay stubs, any child care bills. Sorry but men like this make me sick. They want to play house but as soon as it gets rough they think they can walk out and start all over.
He'll see the grass isn't greener. I just hope you are smart enough to NOT take him back. The kids don't need a rollar coaster. Let your children know it's YOUR job as a parent to protect them and until things are settled and safe that the time spent with their dad is going to be limited. They do NOT need to know details. Don't bad mouth their father, not even on the phone to friends. Keep your cool and get the courts involved. Check and see if there is an adultery law in your State.

 

[Teresa]

Just want tomost of whatMusicmom said....and add that family counseling for you and both children might be a good idea, as well. I would NOT sit the child down and tell him everything, though. Children don't need to know about adult issues. All he needs to know is that Mom and Dad still love him, the divorce isn't because of anything HE did, and that it's because Mom and Dad just can't live together any more because they want different things. Anything else would be WAY too much information for a child.

 

[poppysmum]

Thanks for the advice ladies,
When he moved out he took all his financial info with him and I am a British Citizen on a green card! so I can't apply for financial aid. I know, it gets worse, he is now asking me to pay $600 month towards the mortgage payment. I can't believe how arrogant he is. He called me and left a message on my cell phone that he is now free and clear to do what he wants and to stop wasting his time. (This is after I took the kids over to his place Christmas eve and she was with him. He didn't even call them on Christmas eve!). I am also paying all the house bills.
Any way I could go on, but It just makes me angry thinking about it.
Thanks for thinking of me,
Sarah

 

[musicmom]

I don't know your laws there but I went to court and my husband was ordered to pay all the bills including the mortgage.
You need to make a plan to get out from underneath him (financially) They only get meaner and nastier. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.

 

[Scott W]

<r>Divorce is a difficult situation. Children do suffer the pain. Some of the pain comes from realizing that mom and dad are not happy. Some wonder if they are to blame. <br/>
<br/>
&lt;FONT font="Arial"&gt;&lt;s&gt;<FONT font="Arial">&lt;/s&gt;&lt;SIZE size="4"&gt;&lt;s&gt;<SIZE size="150">&lt;/s&gt;&lt;COLOR color="Navy"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;ScottCounseling.com &lt;COLOR color="Black"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;&lt;SIZE size="2"&gt;&lt;s&gt;<SIZE size="100">&lt;/s&gt;has a parenting articles on &lt;SIZE size="4"&gt;&lt;s&gt;<SIZE size="150">&lt;/s&gt;&lt;COLOR color="Navy"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;Divorce.&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;COLOR color="Black"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;&lt;SIZE size="2"&gt;&lt;s&gt;<SIZE size="100">&lt;/s&gt;&lt;SIZE size="4"&gt;&lt;s&gt;<SIZE size="150">&lt;/s&gt;Here's an example:&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/COLOR&gt;&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/COLOR&gt;&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/COLOR&gt;&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/COLOR&gt;&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;FONT font="Arial"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;&lt;COLOR color="#000000"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;Telling your child that his parents will no longer be married and living together with him or her can be traumatizing for both the parents and the child. It’s important that both parents consider the following while telling your child about your pending divorce. &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/COLOR&gt;&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Arial"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;&lt;COLOR color="#000000"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;Try to share the decision that you made together with your child. &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/COLOR&gt;&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Arial"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;&lt;COLOR color="#000000"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;Be honest, open and sensitive to your child’s reaction. &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/COLOR&gt;&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
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&lt;CENTER&gt;&lt;s&gt;<CENTER>

&lt;/s&gt;&lt;CENTER&gt;&lt;s&gt;<CENTER>

&lt;/s&gt;&lt;FONT font="Arial"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;&lt;COLOR color="#000000"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;Both parents need to let the child know that you still love him or her. While speaking with your child at this time...&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/COLOR&gt;&lt;e&gt;</SIZE>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/SIZE&gt;&lt;e&gt;[/FONT]&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;e&gt;​

</CENTER>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/CENTER&gt;&lt;e&gt;​

</CENTER>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/CENTER&gt;&lt;/r&gt;

 

[jenilouise]

My kids and I went to counseling and it helped us so much. Divorce is hard on the kids. Reitterate that you love them and that they did nothing to cause this.

 

[musicmom]

I think you should share with the child but not EVERY detail. Kids can not handle all that information at one time. I would keep it as simple as possible accourding to age.

 

[eric@sealguide]

Children are very aware of things. Taking your son to a therapist is ok. A group of his peers going through the same thing may help a bit better.
You son is old enough to sit down and give facts to. He doesn't need to know details. What your husband did was wrong regaurdless. You husband is a coward and shouldn't even call himself a man. You husband already doesn't sound like a good roll model for your son. He can be raised with better morals and standards.
Once your husband settles in with Miss HO, he will find himself bored with her. Just sit back and let fate have it's way with them. Let him think he did you a favor.
Ten is a bit young but she will understand a bunch. I would research online and make a plan before sitting down with them.
Print out those emails and keep for court records. Also, save ALL reciepts for groceries, kids clothes, for EVERYTHING so you can prove the way you are used to living.
Word of advice....go down and file for child support ASAP and temporary emergency custody of the children. Have three years of W2's ready, kids socials and birth certificates, any of his pay stubs, any child care bills. Sorry but men like this make me sick. They want to play house but as soon as it gets rough they think they can walk out and start all over.
He'll see the grass isn't greener. I just hope you are smart enough to NOT take him back. The kids don't need a rollar coaster. Let your children know it's YOUR job as a parent to protect them and until things are settled and safe that the time spent with their dad is going to be limited. They do NOT need to know details. Don't bad mouth their father, not even on the phone to friends. Keep your cool and get the courts involved. Check and see if there is an adultery law in your State.

I couldn't disagree with this type of advice more!! Be professional, and take the high-ground. This is very emotional for everyone and you don't need to add childish fuel to the fire.

I'm a divorced parent, and I just got done coaching my sons soccer team with his new Step-Dad. I had thanksgiving with my X-wife her husband, and his kids. We still parent together, and get along great.

You loved this man for a reason. This is going to take a lot of patience on both sides, and guess what. The chances of you both being ready to act mature at the same time are slim. You need to set an example to him, and your kids of how to act like an adult. Believe me my divorce did not start off hanging out together for Christmas.

You and your kids will suffer more and longer if you act like Musicmom is suggesting. Go to a counselor now, and get your X there as soon as you can. If he doesn't want to go, explain to him that obviously the two of you couldn't make it work while living under the same roof, so you better get help now. Raising kids from two different houses is more difficult. You will need help. If he still will not go than just you go, and go today!!!

Sorry Musicmom, but calling someone a coward and a bad role model when you don't even know them is irresponsible. My apologies but I know the situation can work out in the long run, and I know being aggressive and immature is not the path to take if she wants a happy productive relationship with HER CHILDREN'S FATHER.

Forums like this are great to hear about dealing with diaper rash, and pacifier addictions; but NONE of us are qualified to tell you how to turn this tough situation into a happy, healthy, environment for you, and your children.

 

[jtee]

That's good advice Eric. Thx