Hello everyone,...

[Catie]

I'm Catie (duh), I'm married to my best friend who has a one year old daguther. His ex (they weren't married) left when the baby was about 7 months old. She gave up custody and is completely out of the baby's life. Baby girl now lives with my husband's parents who have been helping him raise her since she was born.
My husband and I are working to create a stable and good home so he can bring her back from his parents. This won't happen for a few months, but I would like to be prepared for this. Since my husband has sole custody, my role is even more complex since I will be the only mother & mother figure in his daughter's life. (unless you include grandmother, but that is something different, I think)

There's so many things running through my mind - how do we(me&her) bond?
How do my husband and I continue to uphold our marriage and at the same time be good parents? How do I keep myself honorable by not falling into a competition for attention? (you know, kind of like "I'm your wife, and I feel like your daughter is stealing all of you) - really I think, that is a sub-question of the latter - how to keep both relationships healthy and loving? It is clear to me that kids' needs are priority, they depend completely on us, but they also need to learn they're not the center of the universe... :idea:

I could ask so many little questions but I think it all comes down to how to saddle this horse... Any advice, all words of guidance would be helpful. I would especially like to know if anyone else here is the only mother in her spouse's child's life and how you accepted the role of motherhood and began to enjoy it. That is definitely one thing that scares me, I'm young and very independent, I feel that will surely be a bit of a challenge for me to adjust to being a mother. My husband is aware of this, but he also knows that I want to be a good mother, and I think that learning about it and preparing for it best I can will make things easier. I hope so!
I want to be comfortable in these shoes, and I want to have a truly wonderful bond with my family as a whole. I really hope I can do my best, because I hate to be disappointed.

Thank you for reading:wubclub: any and all replies will be most appreciated

 

[BabyAngel]

Hi Catie, welcome to the forum !

How old is your husband's daughter now ?

It's normal to be scared, but depending on the age of the baby girl, it can be quite easy for everyone to adapt.. I went through something similar with a 2.5 year-old, and it went smoothly !

 

[bssage]

A little background would help with more specific advice.

Shooting from the hip I would say go with your gut. You likely know the difference between what you feel is right and what is not. On stuff that you feel is more significant bounce you thoughts off hubby. Life is so much easier when your on the same page. And when mistakes are made (and they will be made) its much better to take the blame together. Just posting your question speaks volumes. It say "I want to be a good parent. Help" That in my opinion is the first step to being a good parent. Desire.

 

[Catie]

BabyAngel, Bssage@ Thank you for your replies.
I haven't been able to get to a computer until now, hence the delay.

BabyAngel@ She is 1 year old.

Bssage@ Thank you for your words. My husband and I had an aspect of that conversation yesterday; syncing in on some chioces. It wasn't about anything major but it was important because it showed both me and him that the communcation is open and flowing. I took what you to said to mean that we should have a united front, especially when it comes to bigger things.

I am not sure what more information to provide that would help pinpoint advice, if you have any specific questions that would help!

 

[BabyAngel]

If you want to be the mom of the baby girl (which I encourage you to do so), as long as your husband agrees 100% with you on this, just take the role and assume it in full. The baby will not remember her previous mom.

After a few years of the biological mother being out of the picture, you can go through the adoption process. It's something I did, my daughter was 2.5 years old when her biological dad abandoned her. The first few months were tougher but now she has no memory of him and considers me her dad. We didn't have the whole adoption discussion with her yet, but it's not something that I will hide from her.

Nothing like being a responsible parent !

As for the bonding between you and her, it should come naturally, the mother instinct in you will/should kick in ! lol Let nature take it's course.

A baby should not be considered an obstacle to a relationship, it's a wonderful addition ! Of course a baby takes a huge place and your lives will definitively change... for the better in my opinion !

Being a parent is a fulltime job, an extremely rewarding one, but not easy everyday. Use your judgement, come read on this board often, let your motherly instincts do it's thing.

The bio mother being out of the children's life and the baby being so young, I don't think you'll be a "step mother", you'll just be a mother !

Best of luck and can't wait to hear back from you shortly !

 

[IADad]

Okay, Sorry I missed this the first time around.

There is a lot of background that's missing that raises 100's of questions about how you got where you are today.

But I'm going to table all of those in my mind and just presume that your heart is in the right place and you both truly want what's 100% best for this baby. So, my advise is to be there. Just be the mom. There's no manual for parenting, (although some parenting books might be just as helpful to you as they are to bio parents) .

I'm taking it that you don't come from a background that cna just easily provide a stable home, so the fact that you are working on it today needs to translate to devoting every moment to this child's safety and well-being. If you have bad habits, break them now (and that isn't just directed at you, but dad too.)

It seems like everybody's primary focus in the past hasn't necessarily been on anybody but themselves, but since I don't know the past, all I can say is put the past behind you and work work work for the future.