Hello, Uncle Could Use Some Help....

[UncleJ]

Hi Everybody,

Ok, I could really use some quality perspective, so here it goes...

I was in a car accident about 2 1/2 years ago and was unable to work. After all of my rehab was complete I was having a hard time finding work. My sister decided to help me out and let me stay with her and my awesome nephew Jude until I was back up on my feet. What a blessing. The best part of it was that I would be able to spend time with Jude; time that if I had never been in my accident I would never have with him.

My sister is 28 and works full time and goes to school part-time. I know that deep down she wants to be able to provide Jude with a better quality of life, so I try to help her out as much as possible to help her be successful.
When I wasn't working I spent all of my time with Jude, which was great for both of us since he is two and I would rather have him be with me than getting bounced around to various care providers and it allowed me to spend time with the most awesome kid I know.

When I went back to work I continued (and still continue) to be involved with him. My role has changed from uncle to 'almost father' which I don't mind because aside from me he has no other positive male role model in his life. My life is work (I provide case management for homeless veterans with severe mental health issues and substance abuse) and Jude; literally that is no exaggeration. I wake up, take care of Jude, go to work, pick Jude up, feed him, get ready for bed and repeat with the exception of a free
Wednesday evening once a week.

Before I go further I am not complaining about my time with Jude, but the stress of my job and undefined roll I have in Jude's life is becoming overwhelming. My sister is becoming less and less engaged with him. I know how hard it is working and going to school, I went to college full time and worked at least 60 hours a week. That is all I ever did. My sister, I feel, is just getting lazy and entitled. She works second shift and will stay up until 2-3 am watching tv. I really never just watched tv all night when I was in school unless it was on in the background when I was pulling 'all nighters' studying. So, she stays up late and never gets up with Jude in the morning. I get up every morning with him, help him develop a routine (diaper, breakfast, brush teeth, change clothes, etc,.) all while I'm trying to get myself together for work and be out the door by 0930, most of the time my sister is still asleep. When she does wake up in the morning she is incredibly short with him. The other day I had to correct her because Jude was being a bit grumpy in the morning (not bad by any stretch) and she was really snotty in how she was speaking with him, stomped down the hallway and threw his stuff in the living room while continuing to say nasty things. I told her that she cannot talk to him like that. Her response was that he is stressing her out. I told her that he is 3 and she is 28 and that she needs to set the example for him and that her behavior is showing him that it is ok to act that way (which I reminded her that she gets upset with him when he does those pouty things). Most of the time the poor kid just cries when she is around and it is because she is short with him. There is very little understanding from her when it comes to addressing his behaviors.

Ok, I feel like I'm starting to ramble and I should get to the point. I feel like I am in no position to judge my sister on how she should mother Jude; however, it is getting to the point where she is just mean with him and is not 'responsible' for him. An example would be that she went to get a tattoo two weeks ago but the following Tuesday Jude had no diapers. Of course I went and bought some, I will do whatever I can for him, but it bothers me that she would have more interest in getting a tattoo than making sure his basic needs are covered. It goes on and on from never buying healthy food for him, to not teaching him life skills, to the only time she spends with him is when she is watching something on tv that is not age appropriate for him. I am getting really resentful because I'm the one that helps him brush his teeth, I am the one that knows what toys he likes to play with and books to read, the one that is trying to work with him to be potty trained, the one that helps him learn. I teach him to be nice to people and not to yell. I talk with him when he does something unwanted and about why we don't do 'that' and what we should do instead and not just yell at him. I am the one that even though is exhausted will read to him before bed and make sure that he is in a good place before sleep, whereas if she were home putting him to bed consists of putting him in bed, not reading, shutting the door and telling him to stay in bed. Is it really that hard to take 15 minutes to make sure he ends his day on a pleasant note?

I feel like I'm being incredibly vague, so I'm sorry for any confusion. What I'm struggling with is that I am in an ever increasing parental role in his life and I see my sister is progressively doing a more crappy job, but I'm not his parent. If I don't step into that role I get concerned what is going to happen to him and I don't know how to tell my sister to get her stuff together. I keep putting off moving because I'm just afraid of what will happen to Jude. Please don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm perfect, but the big difference between my sister and myself when it comes to Jude is that I am finding that I base about 95% of my personal life decisions in regard to Jude and she is doing more and more what is all about her. All of my friends keep telling me that I'm not his father and that he's not my problem (that actually really upsets me because he is not a problem, he's a smart, happy, kick*ss kid!). I had an unnecessarily difficult childhood and I just don't want that for him.

Maybe someone out there can sift through my rambling and help me with some advice. I just want the best for him, but I'm getting burned out between work and the responsibility I have to take on regarding Jude because my sister is just not doing her part, and it just keeps getting worse. I really am trying to approach this without judgment toward my sister because deep down I know she loves him and it is hard being a parent and working and going to school, but I am becoming (have been) more of a caring and engaged parent with Jude than she has been in over a year. Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

 

[taraly]

Hi Uncle J,

From what you are describing it sounds as though your sister might be jealous. At first, when you joined their lives, she likely felt needed by both you and her son and then you naturally parented her son and might have made her feel the need to step aside. Women are emotional creatures and things that would not bother you will bother her at an emotional level. She may be projecting to her son because he has all your attention, gives you his attention and she sees the bond. I don't know either of you very well but she sounds as though she feels replaced and has that "what does it matter how I act, they don't need me or love me anyway".

My suggestion would be to wait until Jude is not anywhere nearby, sleeping perhaps, hug her and ask her to talk with you. Ask her how she feels and what has been going through her mind regarding you and Jude and if you have invaded (unintentionally) where you might not should have. REGARDLESS of how she sounds (contexts of words) as you are likely to know her resentfulness and jealousy, listen to her words and read between the lines. Give her the opportunity to express herself completely. She may sound selfish - let her. You might be offended - shrug it off. I think if you two communicate openly and honestly, with acceptance of how the other one feels (this may take her a moment or so, or a day) you might find there were a lot of feelings that were developed by assumptions.

She loves her son and she loves you; she just likely feels like she is doing a bad job because you have it all planned and pinned down. Being a mother is a very serious issue for us moms and when someone takes care of our cubs better than we do - we immediately feel guilty or inadequate and we resent the one who is outdoing us even if they feel they are "just" helping.

I hope this helps and makes sense.

~Tara

 

[akmom]

It's easy to fall into complacency when someone else is picking up the slack. Then you get used to it, and it becomes difficult to become motivated again. We all like our downtime. If it has become an increasing part of her routine, then of course it is going to be hard to back track and engage her son at times when she has become used to relaxing.

On top of that, she has probably lost some of her connection with her son, so their interaction is more strained. This just makes it even harder when she does take care of him, so she might be tempted to just get through it instead of making the best of it. Then that further erodes the relationship, as they both resist each other.

What you're describing is common between parents too. The term "default parent" refers to that parent that tends to assume all responsibility. It becomes a dynamic, where one parents is used to dealing with all the kid's needs, and the other is used to ignoring it because s/he knows the other parent will deal with it. The kids begin to automatically defer to the "default parent" too, such that there is hardly any relationship with the other parents. I think MOST two-parent families have experienced something like this.

At least you recognize it, and it sounds like she needs to recognize it too. And you're right, you can't just tell her she is being lazy and you're tired of it, because that would be hurtful and won't promote an improvement in the relationship. If she takes more responsibility but does it with resentment, the problem will just escalate. And I agree that if you just leave, that's going to be rough on Jude. The best thing I can think of is to strongly encourage her to engage in some of your pastimes with Jude, and then you can slowly withdraw yourself. Encourage her to establish some special time with Jude every night, to help reestablish that relationship in a positive way, and then maybe move on to relinquishing some of those parenting duties you've taken. You'll probably have to be blunt about what you mean - without being judgmental - or else it won't be the concerted effort from her that it needs to be.