I have a friend who is the step parent of an 17yo, he said that he picked up his step daughters phone one day when it was sitting on the tv in the livingroom, and saw text messages in there indicating that she was having sex with her boyfriend, he wants to know should he bring this to the attention of the mother or not.
Help for friend....
- Thread starter cbag
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thank you for your reply, and I thought that same thing that you said...but if you extend that logic, and take a hypothetical situation where you have that same step parent who snoops, by looking at the childs cell phone, or reading the childs diary, and by doing so he finds out that the kid was planning a crime or a catastrophe, and by snooping he disrupts the kids plans and saves lives......would you agree that there's no problem there?
I suppose, I mean in most average circumstances the average kid isn't planning anything catastrophic lol. But you never know. I do believe that if you feel, as a parent (not usually a step parent, but it depends), that there is good reason to snoop through your kid's things, then you should. I am just against snooping for no reason, basically. Most serious warning signs can be spotted by a parent and the time to snoop should be apparant.
I agree that the information should be kept to himself. A few extremes could be taken from this situation. As a female, I would almost assume that if he is reading my daughters cell phone what would stop him from reading my cell phone. While I would appreciate the information found, I certainly wouldn't appreciate the deceit.
The mother may very well already know about her daughters sex life, I was very honest with my mother. It would be my best advice to keep the information to himself.
The mother may very well already know about her daughters sex life, I was very honest with my mother. It would be my best advice to keep the information to himself.
The Replacement - On the other hand, I do not agree about cellphone privacy between spouses. If I'm not comfortable with my husband reading ANYTHING I'm texting, then I shouldn't be texting it. My husband could literally pick up my phone and search through it at any point in time and I would not only not be bothered by it but I would not worry about the things he might see. At all. And he is the exact same way with me and his phone. IMO if things are any different for any married couple, something fishy is going on and/or some changes need to be made.
I can understand where you are coming from XERO, and I agree that secrets are wrong. But I wouldnt appreciate someone going through say a diary for information or through a drawer to find a receipt or ticket stub. I am not trying to keep anything, nor would I keep anything from my spouse but there is a level of comfort there and a level of trust that is crossed.
Its not the thought, "OMG, what will he find in my phone", its the, "OMG why would he feel he NEEDS to go through my phone". To me its a separate issue.
Its not the thought, "OMG, what will he find in my phone", its the, "OMG why would he feel he NEEDS to go through my phone". To me its a separate issue.
Interesting perspective Xero.Xero said:
While I fully agree that you shouldn't be texting anything you wouldn't want your husband to read, I'd still be upset if my partner picked up my phone and checked my texts or whatever. Not because I think its OK to hide something, but because the act of checking says "I don't trust you". I guess, to me, giving you spouse a certain level of privacy is a sign of trust.
As for a teenager - you, I wouldn't never snoop. If something bothered me or made me feel like I need to check her phone, I'd check with her knowledge, in her presence, after first giving her the opportunity to explain whatever was bothering me. Thus, avoiding the agonizing about whether to confront her with what I found, and thus destroying her trust in me.
And to the OP - sorry, but its not the step-parent's place to check a teenager's phone.
Yeah, I see that point too. We don't ever look through each other's phones (we're not teenagers), but if we wanted to we could and the other wouldn't care. It was more like, if someone texted him, it's not a private thing. I could pick his phone up and read it to him and answer for him and he could do the same for me. If he did go through my phone without me knowing, like behind my back (that is a little different than just picking up the phone in front of your spouse and them not worrying about what you will see), I would definitely be wondering why. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't be mad or freaked out though.
okay, so case in point. I hear DW's phone signal a text message, I pick it up and take it to her. Now, her phone displays the notification so If I even glance at it in picking it up, I can see who it's from and the start of the message...so I don't consider that snooping or not trusting her, it's like over hearing a conversation being had in the open. Now, in return I don't have anything on my phone I wouldn't want DW to see, so I feel perfetly comfortable leaving it unlocked and sitting without me even in the house. And I think she's the same with me, but I don't snoop through her texts or call history.
We do, however on occassion as DS1 who he just got a text from, or look through his, at his age, we feel it's our responsibility to see that he's using it properly and interacting with his friends properly as they are all just starting to learn how to use this stuff. He knows that he has no privacy with his phone, so it's no big deal if we pick it up and look in his presence. It's part of the price he pays for having a phone at his age. I don't know how trusting or respectful of his privacy I'll be when he's a teen, regardless of how well he's performed as a tween...I just really don't know yet. I hat to give absolute answers until I'm in that situation.
We do, however on occassion as DS1 who he just got a text from, or look through his, at his age, we feel it's our responsibility to see that he's using it properly and interacting with his friends properly as they are all just starting to learn how to use this stuff. He knows that he has no privacy with his phone, so it's no big deal if we pick it up and look in his presence. It's part of the price he pays for having a phone at his age. I don't know how trusting or respectful of his privacy I'll be when he's a teen, regardless of how well he's performed as a tween...I just really don't know yet. I hat to give absolute answers until I'm in that situation.
Yes in all matters tell the mother.....she needs to know..you would expect the same thing from her if it was your child dont hide things like that