First, thank you for the advice to keep the discussion short... I definitely need that since I tend to get windy enough to sail the Cutty Sark clean across the Atlantic. However, the young lady made it an all day event, well, intermittently anyway. As for "knowing the possibility of cruising"... the young lady has an alarm set up on her bedroom door at home and it remains functional but it hasn't indicated an episode for almost 2 years (annunciator is in girlfriend's bedroom). For this reason girlfriend thought it was no longer an issue and the possibility was dismissed. Apparently the stress of an upset routine triggered the episode. A similar alarm system will be installed here for future nights over.
Artmom has basically accused me of being a liar and a pervert (yep, there it is, the judgmental attacks). I can't address everything here but I'll say this. Girlfriend and young lady were in the same guest room. The fact that young lady went to bed raw was pretty obvious when girlfriend wore my robe and did laundry for the both of them. The idea of me loaning something of mine to young lady is preposterous. I am a large man and she is smaller framed than most girls her age. Nothing I have will come close to fitting her. Lastly, I say since you brought the accusation you should bring the proof.
The event happened Thurs night/Fri morning shortly before I posted the first entry to this thread. I was in panic mode and finally decided to post to the first parenting forum I could find with the first username that came to mind. Turned out to be a panic for nothing as the situation almost solved itself once a dear friend suggested the Sherlock method; exclude the emotions that don't fit and deal with what's left.
Up until yesterday point the young lady and I haven't developed a relationship of any kind. There has been respect, sure, but she hasn't really been very receptive or open and I think it's what has been inhibiting the relationship between girlfriend and me. That has changed. After we all three played hooky to deal with these other matters (loose starter cable, interrupted sleep, 2-ton gorilla turned capuchin, exchange of overnight bags in case this ever happens again), the young lady insisted that we work together to put into writing the gist of the day. The young lady thinks this is an important message that is too absent from modern conversation. She's probably right.
Shame is what we SHOULD feel when we know that we said or did something that is inappropriate or disrespectful to the situation or people around us. Shame should never be a verb, that is, the practice of shaming someone to judge them or manipulate them is disrespectful. We agree that neither one of us spoke or acted inappropriately or with disrespect, so no shame.
Hurt and anger are what we are ALLOWED to feel when someone acts shamefully against us or someone we care about. The shameful actor could be a bully, a pedo, a thief, a liar, a gossip, etc. We should direct our anger to telling someone who can help us keep the person from hurting us again. In our situation nobody was wronged, so no room for hurt or anger.
Compassion SHOULD temper our anger. When a person brings shame to him/her self as the result of addiction or illness, we should consider that before we deliver a knuckle sandwich. This man is humbled to be reminded of this by the young lady.
Embarrassment is what we experience when we make a mistake. It's when we think the amp is a radio, the bookcase is a refrigerator, and the front door goes to the bedroom. It's what this man felt when he realized he should have called girlfriend's cell to let her deal with the situation. Embarrassment ranges from those little things where we temporarily feel silly but we laugh it off and get on with life, and goes on up the scale to OH CRAP I really screwed up. We agree that this man made the mistake. Remorse. Forgiveness.
What's left? Discomfort. Anxiety. Nervousness. Insecurity. Vulnerability. Awkwardness. These are things we experience in varying combinations when we find ourselves in situations where we lack experience or preparation. Sometimes it involves the belief that another person is judging or laughing at us. It's how most of us feel during certain stages of a visit to the doctor's office. It's how most teens feel when they talk to their crushes. It's how most of us feel when called up in front of a bunch of people to give a speech. It's how this man feels when he stops to think that if he marries the young lady's mom that he will instantaneously and without training become the father-figure to and responsible for a teenager, only the best single word for that feeling is PETRIFIED. Life is full of these moments, but as we get older we learn to suck it up and grow in those moments. We agree this man remains in the tougher position, although the young lady's position wasn't terribly easy either. Her position was mostly anxiety about this man's opinion of her now that he's seen her naked. Rest assured, this man didn't ogle, but seeing was unavoidable. He didn't see too fat, too skinny, too big, too little, ugly, or deformed. He did not then nor does he now judge her as a slut. He saw a young lady he cares about in a painfully vulnerable situation and did his dead level best to protect her. He did not then nor does he now see a piece of meat. He always has and still does see the intelligent young lady who wonders at the night sky with deep green eyes that could be stars themselves. His thoughts are thoughts of awe that this articulate young lady could one day make a contribution so profound that it changes the course of human history. Don't blush, young lady. This OpEd was your idea and it may indeed spark a movement.
This man was ready to let the matter rest, but the young lady continued the conversation with questions about modesty.
Modesty is not so much about how much clothing we're wearing and a lot about how we speak and act and reveal ourselves in various situations. By "reveal" we mean not just how much skin we show but how much of our thoughts deeds and emotions we share, with whom, and where. Some examples include:
A suit and tie or a nice dress is appropriate for the religious meeting place, but not so appropriate for the swimming pool, just as a swimsuit is appropriate at the pool but not the religious meeting place.
Discussing one's chosen beliefs is appropriate almost any place and time if there are others who are interested, but not during a math test.
Subtle flirting can have a place, but not in the classroom. If the flirting is obvious to more than the one you are flirting with (and MAYBE your closest companions) you probably went too far.
A true lady or gentleman doesn't get on Facebook and tell the world every detail about their dating life complete with tongue-sticking or duck-lip pictures on Snapchat, but may on occasion share certain things with a trusted advisor. (Duck-lip pictures!? The young lady explained. Oi gevalt! I thought my flannel generation had some weird fads.)
Then the bombshell questions which I'm not sure where they came from but they came nonetheless. Should a female ever expose her breasts in public? Girlfriend gave a stuttered knee-jerk no. After some discussion, we all three agree that it depends on the situation and the reason. If it's to feed baby then yes always although some situations will require discretion. If it's to be sexually provocative then no not ever.
This man's additional position is, if it's any setting where it's appropriate for males to be topless then females should have equality of choice. Unfortunately in most places it's illegal and as a guest in a private home there are often deeply held religious and cultural beliefs to the contrary. That said, since most people disagree I usually keep my shirt on in mixed company out of respect. I also remind the young lady that she is still her mother's daughter and subject to her ruling. The young lady says she probably won't do it but agrees there should be more equality and acceptance. Girlfriend is still too shocked to form an opinion.
Is intentional full nudity in mixed company ever acceptable? Girlfriend and I answered emphatically and in unison, NO! I added that down there should be kept locked away until marriage between one man and one woman, then and only then does the spouse gain any rights to even see down there. No shame in true accidents or medical necessity, but no. The young lady agrees and the adults are relieved to hear it.
