Help with 12 yr cousin please....

[CaliforniaGuy]

Thanks. Well, I'm a guy in my 30s, fell on hard times and have moved in with my aunt and her extended family. Large house. A few years ago, she adopted a girl. She is now 12. There are other siblings in the house.

In front other people, she is extremely well-behaved, extremely attentive to me, she's very mellow. She has a lot of responsibilities in the home, She prepares her mom's (my aunt's) meals, begins preparations for dinner, all dishes and kitchen cleanup duties, plus hours of homework per day (she is homeschooled). If she's lucky at all she gets about an hour a day to watch television. There is no father in the home.

But, there have been a few times when I have to sit with her while the others are out. It is at this point, it's almost like a Jekyll and Hyde thing takes place and she becomes basically batsh*t crazy/hyper. Literally climbing the furniture, running in all directions. At one point, I had to stop her from setting fire to something.

So, I do my best, to enforce the rules and keep her from basically hurting herself, lol, and of course she won't do any of her chores at this time, or do them half heartedly, or not do her homework and forget to tell me, etc. etc.

Anyway, to enforce the rules, my aunt and her daughter (who has a parenting role as she is older), are very strict and yell to get their point across. It's something I just abhore as my dad was a yeller, and I never wanted to be that way, and it literally tears me up inside, it's like watching someone step on a kitten or something when she's punished for very minor infractions and sent to her room crying. I know that old saying from parents: "this hurts me more than it hurts you" seems trite and fake, but I very much feel this, and I know it seems stupid when you're not in the situation.

So, I don't want to be that way, and I never wanted to be a fierce disciplinarian like my dad, on the other hand, I can't have her literally climbing the walls and not doing her chores when they aren't around.

So, does anyone have any advice on a way I can enforce the rules without resorting to doing exactly what I swore I would never do. Is there a "kind" way to enforce discipline.

I'm feeling like: She's 12 years old and she should be responsible enough to do what's required and not be a hellion. And, I'm feeling like, I'm not her parent, and so I don't want to interfere and be dishing out punishments and yelling at her. It makes it more complicated because otherwise she is extremely attentive to me, not at all mean to me in any way, etc., well-behaved, I just can't have her going crazy/hyper when they are away.

Does anybody have any advice on somehow keeping her in line without resorting to yelling and being harsh? This is a lot harder than I thought it would be when I said I would never be a yeller like my dad was.

On some days, it's like, I've kept her from giving herself a concussion, and from burning the house down, whew, so then I get zero credit when she's not done her homework or her kitchen chores properly, and it just makes me want to pull my hair out.

I really feel for you guys with kids this age, because...wow. It's going to be quite a job when I become a parent myself. Otherwise, she is a really sweet and well-behaved girl, I just want to understand what is happening with her and why she goes all hyper when they leave, and what I can do to enforce the rules without resorting to yelling and/or doleing out punishments. Because I feel like already she is disciplined enough with extensive chores and homework and being in her room constantly. It's like I deal with the fallout of that.

Thanks for any advice

 

[bssage]

You did a good job sharing some history. And your post is well written easy to understand. Still much of the advice will be making at least some, assumptions. My advice is just opinion. I am by no means an expert. Just making assumptions on your post. And what I think I would do.

In front other people, she is extremely well-behaved, extremely attentive to me, she's very mellow. She has a lot of responsibilities in the home, She prepares her mom's (my aunt's) meals, begins preparations for dinner, all dishes and kitchen cleanup duties, plus hours of homework per day (she is homeschooled). If she's lucky at all she gets about an hour a day to watch television. There is no father in the home.

Kinda sounds like a normal kids day. Ups and downs. Favored activities and non-favored activities. You list the responsibilities. Then go on to say that she is not doing most or half hearted at best. Sounds counterproductive to me. Her assignments should not be to difficult for her to complete. If she fails often. She will just learn to fail. You should do your best to set her up to win more often than she fails. There are different schools of thoughts for how to handle "transitions". Transitioning is a big deal at her age. And it developed's some of the foundation as she gets older. That is something I think I would look at. Either controlling the sequence Favored, then non, then Favored, ect... Or by paying attention to her energy levels and moods. For example. My boy is more likely to get small projects done at the beginning of his day, early afternoon, and early evening. If I introduce a non favored activity late morning, middle afternoon, or in the evening. It is difficult to get him to actively participate. There are different was of handling transitions. But you would have to observe her to know what is likely to work best.

But, there have been a few times when I have to sit with her while the others are out. It is at this point, it's almost like a Jekyll and Hyde thing takes place and she becomes basically batsh*t crazy/hyper. Literally climbing the furniture, running in all directions. At one point, I had to stop her from setting fire to something.

This is common I think (except the fire). I would investigate her sleep, Her diet, and whether or not she is getting exercise. This wont eliminate mood energy swings. But could be a factor in leveling her out a little

Anyway, to enforce the rules, my aunt and her daughter (who has a parenting role as she is older), are very strict and yell to get their point across. It's something I just abhore as my dad was a yeller, and I never wanted to be that way,

Good then dont.

So, I do my best, to enforce the rules and keep her from basically hurting herself, lol, and of course she won't do any of her chores at this time, or do them half heartedly, or not do her homework and forget to tell me, etc. etc.

So, I don't want to be that way, and I never wanted to be a fierce disciplinarian like my dad, on the other hand, I can't have her literally climbing the walls and not doing her chores when they aren't around.

These are not the only two choices.

So, does anyone have any advice on a way I can enforce the rules without resorting to doing exactly what I swore I would never do. Is there a "kind" way to enforce discipline.

In your sepcific situation. I think the team approach is more likely to have more success: Than enforcement. "I am responsible for you. When you get in trouble: we get in trouble" "Lets figure out a way to get stuff done and stay out of trouble so we can play" Sound like she really needs a teammate.

I'm feeling like: She's 12 years old and she should be responsible enough to do what's required and not be a hellion. And, I'm feeling like, I'm not her parent, and so I don't want to interfere and be dishing out punishments and yelling at her. It makes it more complicated because otherwise she is extremely attentive to me, not at all mean to me in any way, etc., well-behaved, I just can't have her going crazy/hyper when they are away.

Your not alone here brother.

Does anybody have any advice on somehow keeping her in line without resorting to yelling and being harsh? This is a lot harder than I thought it would be when I said I would never be a yeller like my dad was.

Calm and Assertive. gets the same points across and is much less stressful for you and her. Example: "Put the remote down!" Calm solid tone. If you have to say it again. Say it exactly the same way, calm and assertive. Third time is a charm for me. I get up grab the remote and put it away. Dont yell from across the room. I know it probably sounds like I am oversimplifying this. But if you do it consistently I have found it to be Extremely successful. Do I yell. Yep at times. But those times are few and far between. When I yell its an "Oh Crap" moment for the kids.

On some days, it's like, I've kept her from giving herself a concussion, and from burning the house down, whew, so then I get zero credit when she's not done her homework or her kitchen chores properly, and it just makes me want to pull my hair out.

She feeds off your energy. Good or bad make no difference. At 12 they just want to create a reaction. If you want her to choose which reaction she desires. Make the good reactions more frequent and fun than the bad.

And just forget about the credit. When it come to kids. Its really not about us. And that's OK.

I just want to understand what is happening with her and why she goes all hyper when they leave, and

Dont we all?.. My best advice in understanding. Is detective work. Pay attention to times of day, foods: The things that preclude the bad behaviors. Break the day down and put it together like a puzzle.

Also you are saying a lot on chores, school, tv (indoor sedimentary activities) 12yr olds are powder kegs of energy. And they can be a lot of fun to play with, Hike with, Walk with. Get her little butt outside and wear her out. It has been my experience it helps them level.

 

[JBKB3]

How long have you been in the house as a responsible adult figure? If this is something fairly new, then I feel she is just testing you. She can obviously follow the rules and do what is expected when the parent/guardian that dishes out the punishment is around.
She is testing you to see how far you will let her go, especially if she sees you get in trouble for her mis-behaving.
I would speak to your aunt and cousin (older parental figure), explain the situation and the next time it happens confront your aunt and cousin with the situation and what you did to try and resolve the issue. That way they know the problem and what you have tried. If you all can work as a team perhaps you can find a disciplinary action that works for you then your 12 yr old cousin will see that she can not get away with anything when it is just you in charge.
I see it happen all the time when a new teacher comes into a classroom. Unless you carry yourself with confidence, maintain control (don't let them get to you), and follow through with your actions children can sense it and will walk all over you.

JB

 

[parentastic]

Anyway, to enforce the rules, my aunt and her daughter (who has a parenting role as she is older), are very strict and yell to get their point across. It's something I just abhore as my dad was a yeller, and I never wanted to be that way, and it literally tears me up inside, it's like watching someone step on a kitten or something when she's punished for very minor infractions and sent to her room crying. I know that old saying from parents: "this hurts me more than it hurts you" seems trite and fake, but I very much feel this, and I know it seems stupid when you're not in the situation.

OP, I really do understand you. It's been 5 years of my life now that I have started a journey to become a parenting instructor and a family intervention, precisely because it broke my heart each time I would see parents punish and threaten and break their child's will. At first, I wanted to learn how it could be done differently, or even <I>if</I> it was even possible. And then I discovered that yes, it is possible - and that in fact, when done properly, it's very powerful and effective... and I learned how to help people with that, should they chose to trust me.

The downside is: it's a process. It's not easy. It takes patience. It works beautifully and it rewards families with incredible and powerful harmony and peace, but it's not easy and it takes a lot of efforts and patience.

The problem here is that the only thing this kid has ever known is authoritarian parenting (and it may also be verbal abuse or worth, I can't say with the current details you offered) but even with only authoritarian parenting, the key is that this child has never learned true respect, because she has never been respected herself.
The more yelling and punishments are used, especially for minor things, the less likely she is to <I>want</I> to understand why she should or should not do things <I>internally</I> or to want to help others in order to live with harmony. The more she is punished, the more it's "how can I get away with it? How can I avoid being punished?" rather than "What's right or wrong with this behavior?"

More importantly, such a transformation, from <I>extrinsic </I>to <I>intrinsic</I> motivation, requires a powerful lever to work: the strength of the child's attachment link to her caregiver. In other word: a child will learn to respect someone, without threats, rewards or punishments, first because she <I>cares</I> about her parent.
Are you in that position?

If you are not yet someone she likes very much, then that's your first step. You need to build a stronger connection, before you can proceed with "I" messages and other powerful techniques to allow her to respect your needs and listen to you naturally.

How do you create this bond?
....You listen to her. You use active listening to paraphrase and mirror her emotions; you help her name her emotions. You do fun activities just you and her. You stay authentic and tell her when she say or does something that hurts you (you say "This hurts" and show your pain, rather than show anger - because anger is a shield of protection, but it also isolate you from connecting with her). You smile a lot. You try to understand how she can see the world through her eyes, and when you do, you say it. You become a friend, while still remaining a trusted adult when needed (a delicate balance!). It's a lot of work.
It's also worth it... it's yours to see if you are willing to start this journey.