Hey hey!...

[Cazeur]

Hi all.
I really need some support right now and am hoping you guys can give me some honest opinions. I really didn't want to post this here, but don't have permission to post elsewhere yet.

So here goes..

I have so much to ask. It's all got on top of me as a mum and wife.

I have two beautiful, (of course), daughters who are 9 and 11. They are both very strong willed and they bicker together as much as they love each other. My younger daughter is very strong and can be pretty spiteful with words and her hands to my older daughter who is very sensitive and gentle in nature. It's hard to discipline my younger daughter because she is so strong willed. There is nothing that she relies on, no one toy that I could take away to punish her. I really need help on how to stop them getting at each other and learn to enjoy each other again. I am so scared with the school holidays coming up.

Moving onto the next thing...my older daughter is moving up to senior school in September and is really looking forward to it...so that is sorted. My younger daughter however found out yesterday that she is staying in the same class as she was last year with what I can only describe as the 'less intelligent' children, and half of the lower year. I hate this mixed year class thing. She is a really bright girl and everyone comments on how when you talk to her it's like talking to an adult. But ask her to put this intelligence down on paper and she is not so great. She needs stimulation and has little confidence when it comes to work. The school stopped sending homework home a couple of years ago after some parents complained the children were getting too much. Absolutely ridiculous! Since then my daughters have been much less stimulated and their work has definitely suffered. My husband and I take a good 90% responsibility though, because I know we should have pushed them, and for that the guilt is eating me up and my heart is breaking. I really need to create a homework plan. Anyone got an ideas.

Lastly my husband. He had an affair about 4 years ago. We went through a very difficult time and I've not felt secure since. I know he won't do it again and it's clear to everyone how much he loves me but I just can't break down this barrier. I gripe at him a lot and keep physical affection to a minimum, which really upsets him. I know I am craving this affection too, but there's always this bloody barrier.

I know people have far worse problems than me, but I just need a future plan. I feel like I'm silently drowning because I never share my problems with anyone. People always come to me. I don't cry because if I start I will never stop. I don't want to show weakness.

Early this year I returned to nursing and went to university to get my qualification back. That was great to do something to me.

Thanks so much for reading this. Just for writing it down it's helped.

Please help before I go over the edge!
Sorry for the long posting.

 

[NancyM]

Hi Cazeur Welcome and please hang on for some replys.

I don't know if the mods here will move this post so I'm going to wait a while until I reply ok.

Hang in there, be patient there are a lot of people with good advice here.

I'll check back a little while.

 

[IADad]

Okay, I'm tired and feeling rather helpful today, so I'm going to let this stay here. Usually the idea is to post a little get to know some people before you ask for help, but hey, we hope you stick around and provide some feedback to someone else, when you see something you can provide insight into.

It seems that part of the answer might be simply in your appraoch. You're viewing this one huge multi pronged problem and it seem insurmountable.

Consider breaking them down indiviudally and mapping out what you are going to do for each. i.e. younger daughter's issue with upcoming school, perhaps you don't focus on that this week, you have a little time, focus on one of the other issues.

For the others break them down into bite sized pieces and deal with them a piece at a time.

So,
1) Punishing the 7 yo. Strong willed or not you are the parent. Surely there are things she treasures, being able to do A) or go to B), consider taking those things away. Consider intervening in the moment and forcing a sit down discussion about how things hurt and what better ways to express herself might be.

2) Consider a different school - the lax philosophy is going to follow and conflict with much of what you may try to do. settling for second or third best is epidemic and I fear your daughters are learning to accept medicority. If that's not possible, look for additional resources on the internet. You can find age/grade appropriate resources for math, reading, spelling, find them and challenge them upward. Create rewards for exccelling at your homework. As they get into their teens look for other out of school learning opportunities (e.g. commuity education or college outreach courses they can take to remain challenged.) Stop the guilt pity party - it's over, damage done, you can only do better moving forward not fix the past.

3) The affair and trust - It seems like you've forgiven, but you haven't reconciled. Through reconiliation you accept that it's not important to you to even remember that the transgression ever happened. Now, I'm not suggesting what you should or shouldn't do, just suggesting that if you want to get to the place where you can freely express your intimate desires (how was that for remaining PG?) that you need to consider if you can move to that step of the process. I'm not sure if you're religous or spiritual at all, if so seek out some help from your spiritual leader (and you can be vauge about the transgretion if you don't feel secure). Otherwise there are excellent resouces on the subject on the internet. Most are written from a religios perspective, but there are lessons to be learned from the principle even if you don't prescibe to any given faith. If he's earned your trust back and you've forgiven, then it is hurtful to him why you can't accept his expressions of love and reciprocate them. Perhaps you haven't considered the notion of reconciliation, it's really hard for us to do, we so much don't want to be hurt again, that it's counter intutitve to "forget" about transgressions and move on, but it's the only way to really restore that healthy relationship. Again, I'm not saying you should do that. That decision is up to you. If you don't move to that next step, then I fear you will keep punishing him and making yourself unhappy in the process too.

You won't go over the edge. You're obviously a rational person, perhaps too rational. Accept more of what life brings you and consider that everything, good and bad things happen for reasons, reasons we may no comprehend.

I wish you luck and hope to see you around here, getting and giving help!

 

[NancyM]

Hi Cazeur

The strong willed child can be a handful, and it's so easy to give her what she wants than it is to correct her. We had one in our family. (And most of the time he got what he wanted. ) On the other hand, it isn't fair to your daughter, when we give in to these hard headed little people, in a way it's like we're giving up on them.

They really have to learn that the world doesn't evolve around them, and that THEY are the ones who have to fit into the world. I'm not sure how to do it that will work for each child, I just think it's so important for your daughter to know that when she is acting in an inappropriate manner, she will have to pay some price for it.

Maybe you can get some poster paper and make a big chart of what is expected of both your children and what is not, hang it up and constantly reward them(with gold stars) for the good they do, and for following the family rules. Once they get so many stars that child gets to pick where or what you all eat the next Saturday. Something simple like that.

As for your younger daughter and school: Does she have a learning disability? If so than she should work at her own pace and that's all you can do. It's not a shame to have a learning disability. Many people do and it never gets recognized, the child only gets frustrated and nasty.

Or maybe she is acting out because she knows about the problems going on between mother and dad. Kids always know this. they just don't understand it, and no one tells them so they make up horrible things in their heads. Thus, they are angry and act out with inappropriate behavior.

Listen, about your husband cheating on you. I can only say that I would be pissed forever, BUT..since you have 2 children who still love their father, you are in a hard place. You know you can do 1 of two things,

Get over it, or kick his cheating a$$ to the curb. I hear that some People do rekindle their relationship after infidelity, I also believe that a good person CAN make a bad mistake once. (NEVER twice. )

So if you find it in your heart to truly forgive him than you are defiantly the better person, your children will know that one day, and they will benefit in the end all because of you.

If he cheats again, kick him out and suck his blood, and bank account dry.

hope I helped some

 

[Cazeur]

Thank you both for your reply and your patience, I was feeling pretty low and stumbled across your forum.

I'm sorry to land on the site and my first posting be one of doom and gloom.

What you have both said is great.

I have had a long conversation with my daughter about her behaviour. Because she is intelligent I can at least do that, and she expresses herself pretty well. She hasn't got any learning disabilities, no, she is just a very strong willed 9 year old. In fact she is very frustrated with the way she acts and asks me how she can help herself. This is quite heartbreaking. I have written a reward chart that I will start to use on good days.

I have spoken to the school about next school year. Her teacher was very positive. It's definitely time to make a change and she knows this is coming. We are going to work much harder, but in a fun way. The teacher has given her her own special book to work in over the school holidays so we can keep a diary of our days out. Nothing too heavy, but just enough to get her working and investigating.

As for my husband. I do love him very much and hate feeling like I am punishing him everyday of his life. I'm sure he doesn't feel that I am doing this, but inside I feel I am. I have forgiven him mostly, it's just hard to forget. The barriers are there to prevent anyone hurting me again and I'm afraid that this extends to everyone in my life. I guess it was a shock when my husband had his affair and a big part of me died. I'm not sure I will ever get that back, or that I have much desire to.

Thanks again. I will investigate the rest of the boards. It seems like a good place here.

 

[IADad]

You know, one thing jumped out at me, as you said "WE are going to be working much harder." As long as you keep the focus on the fact that you are working with her, side by side, and that this is not something that's being done to her, you should see progress. Congratulations on the break-through.

As for your issues with your husband. It seems that you really need to examine what YOU want for you. You say a part of you died, but I believe, as long as you live, there's no part of you that can't be "resurrected." Once you know clearer what you wnat, the course of action to take will be more apparent. It seems that either finding a way to reconcile or go your separate ways are the only two possible logical courses of action, and I don't say that likely. As a Catholic, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, so I would never recommend lighlty ending your marriage, but sometimes if there's no way to make it a functioning marriage, that may be the only way. It seems that you don't really know what you want. I'd suggest consulting some resources, I'm sure there's plenty online for free, about life after infidelity, and see if that gives you some ideas on directions to head, things to try and thoughts to consider.

Good luck and welcome to our little corner of the web.

 

[NancyM]

Cazeur

Glad to hear that your daughter is communicating with you, that's the most important part of solving a problem. Another thing I wanted to add is that your daughter may simply be a very bright child. Sometimes these kids are problematic because they don't get the stimulation they crave and don't know what to do with themselves.

Many really smart kids are labeled as hypertensive, sensitive, annoying, rude, disrespectful, and learning disabled. That misinterpretation results because the child has a lot of noise and questions running through her head, faster than the answers are coming at her.

They always feel like they have to make noise be noticed because most people don't want to be around them. Than they get in trouble for that and the circle spirals. It's not easy for them.

So don't be surprised if you find out she has a high IQ. Although this is good news, it also has it's down side. In my opinion and experience (my son) it's as challenging as having a retarded child, the needs are the same, but the learning resources are not available. (like they are for retarded children)

I hope you didn't interpret my post as taking your marriage issue lightly. From what I read you already suffered and struggled with your conflicted emotions for the last 4 years. That's a long time.

Your husband is the one who choose to break the holy marriage vow, the legal contract, and the family's trust and stability, not you.
Does he suffer the same conflicts that you do?
what is he doing about his infidelity action, to make it easier for you fully forgive him. BTW-The forgetting part will happen once you truly forgive.
Which you may, or not ever do.

I don't believe I read in your post that you and your husband received marriage counseling. If your religious than maybe you can find a trusted clergy to speak to. My personal opinion is, having someone out side the family and church to counsel you both is the better way to go when it comes to relationships.

Again it's JMO but I've learned that it's not likely that a church will ever advise you to divorce, which might be the best solution in some situations. (I just don't believe God expects a person to endure emotional suffering until they die, (Till death do we part) or that he expects us to be perfect with our decisions,(picking a life mate) especially when most of us are young when we marry.) It's possible to make a mistake, and God knows this about us . JMO.

I hope you were able to pull something out of each post to help you through your tough time.

 

[Cazeur]

Wow, what really lovely people you are.

NancyM you have hit the nail on the head about my daughter. Everything you have described is her. She is always bored because her little brain, (and her body), is constantly active. She says the first thing that comes into her head and is very quick with her humour. She is constantly making us laugh with her quick quips. In fact my parents have advised her that we shouldn't laugh at her so much in certain aspects as we are encouraging her to be outspoken. That sounds pretty harsh on their part, but I know what they mean as her humour is very adult. By that I don't mean the content, as in foul language etc, I mean it's like having banter with an adult. I hope that makes sense?

I do love my husband very very much and he clearly loves me very very much. He tells me constantly and is very affectionate to the extent that I find it over bearing sometimes. I hate rejecting him. It makes me so sad and I know it makes him sad too. He rarely complains. I honestly want to be with him forever. I just feel scared to let down that final barrier because I swear I will never be hurt again.

I think a lot of it is that I don't like myself very much either. I'm a nag and I'm over weight, (I am at weight watchers and have lost a stone in 5 weeks). My husband tells me I am sexy all the time and I can see in his eyes he really means it. God I feel like a bitch.

Some one suggested a weekend away together and I really think this would help. Life does get in the way a lot.

 

[NancyM]

Cazeur,

I have a smart child too, he's 18 now, still smart academically, yet also immature in a normal way, as well as any 18 yr old might be, and I'm happy about that.

I think this mix of brains and social maturity (which usually remains normal) confuses us as parents, and other adults. It's so hard to understand.

People have always expected so much from Max, even as a child. Just because he was smarter than most kids his age, people like teachers, in-laws, grandparents and other adults expected him to act like an adult.

I hated that, and still do. I insisted and refused to allow him to skip grades, I couldn't imagine my little guy at 9 and 10 being tossed into Junior High School with 12, 13 and 14 yr olds.

Socially they aren't ready. And most of the time the older kids won't associate with them and label them freaks, leaving our kids to become lonely and self conscious. Eventually they will catch up to everything in life that they need to. I believe they should play, and yell, and act silly with other kids their age no matter how smart they are.

I also think you are and your husband are good people. Your both seem to be doing everything you can to work through your marriage and I'm sure it will happen for you with time.

It feels good to get it out of your system though, and have other people acknowledge your feelings, right.

That's why I like message boards too.

 

[Cazeur]

It feels good to get it out of your system though, and have other people acknowledge your feelings, right.

That's why I like message boards too.

Very much so. Thank you so much. You have all lifted my confidence already.

 

[sbattisti]

Just to add another comment on the husband part . . . I think this is something you should work on, together with your husband. Obviously, there has been a huge breach in trust, and my personal opinion is that your relationship will not be viable long-term if you don't resolve this issue (either way).

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt here and say that he truly feels it was a huge mistake, and he truly loves you and desires you. The affair is over and he's fully recommitted to the marriage. It sounds like he is trying very hard to convince you how much he loves you and desires you, but he keeps getting shut down. Four years is a VERY long time to go without affection, physical or otherwise. Eventually, this is going to affect how he feels towards you and the marriage. He's not going to be able to keep this up indefinitely, and eventually it could lead him to stray again or to seek to leave the relationship.

As others have mentioned above, yes, it was him that breached the trust in the first place! But you need to make a conscious choice to resolve this issue, with whatever help you need. And ultimately, forgiveness is not about blaming the other person anyway. There are really only a few scenarios:

1. You resolve this issue to a point where your marriage is stable and you can be intimate together again (yay!)

2. You don't resolve this issue, but remain married. It's questionable how fulfilling this will be over the next X years. (boo)

3. You don't resolve this issue, and one or the other of you elects to leave the marriage (boo, but could be ultimately good for both of you to find happiness again)

I'm sure at some point you have done something to lose the trust of another person. Maybe it was a previous boyfriend, or a best friend, or your parents. What did you do to earn it back?

One possibility is to try things in very small steps. Try holding hands. Try kissing him. Try making a list for him of things that make you feel special, and each time he does one of them, remind yourself that he's doing it for YOU. These are just ideas, but I really believe that you are going to have to "shake the tree" somehow to change this up. It hasn't magically fixed itself in four years.

Good luck!