Antoinette said:
sSo for those of you who don't remember me i have a newborn, a 2 year old and a 3 year old.
since i have gotten back from the hospital Alegra (my 2 year old) has been trying to hit and pinch my Mikaela (my newborn) i don't know what to do about this, i have tried talking to her about how delicate the baby is and why we need to be gentle, i have tried leaving Mikaela with Tim for an hour and going out and doing something just with me and Alegra. and i have tried time out's... i don't like the idea of hitting my children so i really don't want to do this. has anyone on here experienced anything similar? do you have any suggestions?
Hey Antoinette,
Sorry I totally missed your post when you created it a few months ago, or I would have posted sooner to help. I don't know if the issue got better, but in case it's still happening, here is an effective way to handle it.
Possible root cause: the 2 years old is now in the middle. Alegra is no longer the one with all the attention, and she will naturally resent the attention the newborn has from you. It's can also be kind of a paradox because little ones LOVE to feel like a mother themselves, but hate to feel the have to share their own part of their mom's love. In addition, she is 2 years old, a critical period when the child need to be in opposition and resist in order to develop their brain and dissociate themselves from their parents (hence the "no" stage). So she is likely to continue hitting Mikaela even when you ask her to stop (especially if you do, then she may get mad and react even more). Finally, she is still developing her finer muscles, so sometimes it's very hard to be gentle, and if it is pointed out to her, it can be frustrating. And she can't yet control strong emotions.
Timeouts may coerce her into a different behavior but it will also deepen the real problem because she will feel even more isolated and this can translate into more resentment toward her newborn sister. So I don't think the use of force or punishments of any kind will help in this situation, as they are more likely to create more future problems and unlikely to change her behavior <I>
when she is alone</I> with her younger sister, which is the whole point I believe.
As other posters mentioned, it's a stage that will eventually get better, and a possible easy strategy is to keep the baby out of her reach as much as possible. But if you want to address it, here are some pointers:
<LIST>
<LI>- Help her name her feelings when she acts violently toward her sister. Children don't know the names of what they feel, so it's hard to express it other than with actions. Also, naming shows you understand her and that's what she needs: "You are angry against your sister right now, aren't you?" and then "You feel she is taking too much of mommy's time?" etc etc.</LI>
<LI>
- Use active listening to get to the deeper issue</LI>
<LI>
- Use "I" messages to show the concrete effect it has on you and how you feel when she does this: tell her how it makes you feel afraid because she is fragile at that age, how you then have to spend more time to check she is okay, etc.</LI>
<LI>
- Ask for Alegra's help. Sit down on the floor, make eye contact with her, be serious but not mad, with a "concerned" face (children read your non verbal a lot more than what you say). Then ask her to help you repair what she has done. Take her hand in your hand, gently (no use of force). Say "let's make it better okay?" and together, give Mikaela some gentle caresses. Include Alegra in this discovery: "See how soft her skin is? It's baby skin. You were that soft too, when you were just a baby. Do you remember when you were that little?" etc. etc. Involve her, ask her to kiss the boo-boo to make it better just like mom does with her, etc.</LI>
</LIST>
The idea is to transform the situation from competition (my mom is either with me or my sister! Mom doesn't want me anymore. I hate my sister!) to collaboration (I can be with my mom AND my sister. My mom NEEDS me. I can HELP my mom with Mikaela. I am useful! I am appreciated!)
If she resists this, then you have your opening for active listening:
"Awww, you seem realllly angry. What's going on?"
If she mellows out, (and she will, after you have listened enough) you are ready for involving her with helping you and making her feel useful.
Finally, always try to tell her what to do instead, rather than what not to do. Better - do it WITH her, show her. It's much more effective to trigger collaboration and empowerment, and it won't trigger her resistance and need for opposition as much.
Let me know if I can help any further.
