How Do I Motivate My Son?...

[ArdAtak]

Hi Jakes Mom,
I'm a 35 year old father of 2 (3 & 4 year olds), athlete, and avid gamer. I also have an Engineering degree and played football in college so I know about study and hard work.

I can say, with extreme confidence that a majority of problems with your son stem from video games. I don't think video games are bad. I enjoy them very much and they can be fun and very educational at times. But kids around 12 to 18 years old can become wholeheartedly consumed with video games at the expense of academics, sports, and broader social life beyond other gamers. I know because I spend time with kids like this every day playing online. Ofcourse being an adult I always put my my family and athletics first but ultimately I do enjoy video games.

Now this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. You can easily leverage his love of video games or TV entertainment into results you want to see. Some simple ideas.

1) Video games can only be played from X o'clock to Y o'clock after homework and study.

2) Console and TV will be taken away if grades drop below X and will not be return until grades are above X again.

These types of rules will give him motivation. Once he start following them you can relax the reigns a little as you see fit or tighten them more.

If I've misread the situation I apologize but I think this will help you out.

 

[TGyamiBakura]

Okay... This will sound a bit odd but I am an 18 year old that is currently suffering this condition RIGHT NOW. It's extremely stressful and it's not a pleasant feeling at all for the person in question. It's this feeling that you're stuck and you can't do anything about it because your parents just wouldn't understand and you don't really know how to explain it to them.

This is more common amongst teens than you think and right now you described my friends little brother to a crystal clear T. There is no difference except that Daniel may be a bit more introverted than your Jake. I'm having this issue and trust me I'm sure your son feels extremely lost and unsure what to do. I'm sure he wants to achieve and do his best, but his motivation is completely gone and right now he just wants to escape from the constant pressure and expectation's he's faced with. The more you expect from him, the more he will introvert himself. Daniel is already at this point where he will not let his parents know his feelings about anything.

Daniel is almost a certified GENIUS... He wants to go to his favorite college and is excited about it. He even begged his parents to buy him a sweatshirt for it. He gets straight A's in math and physics and is already in high school AP classes in 8th grade middle school and has plenty of people that like him. Self-esteem is not the issue. It's just motivation.

Right now, school doesn't interest him and he only does the things that do. He's an online gamer, and he likes the television. His parents have done every SINGLE thing you have listed to lead him in the right direction and he doesn't respond to it at all. Threatening and bribing and lecturing and logic will *not* solve the problem here. Trust me it never did with me.

There is a deeper issue here and it's not that he doesn't know what's right and what's wrong, you're not doing anything wrong as a parent. But I do think that the fact that you and his real dad aren't together anymore might have a bit of an impact (but it doesn't matter, counseling will do no good if he can't open up. Boys are tricky like that.). Just always make sure that you tell your son that you love him and that you'll always accept him no matter what. Don't let him think that his grades are more important to you than your love for him itself. That could be the worse thing you could possibly do, even if it's not intentional. If you do that, the rebellion starts and then you won't get anything but grief and then he'll actually have a reason for doing what he does.

That's another thing. Rebellion and lack of motivation are two different things. Lack of Motivation isn't done purposely, it just happens. The child might *say* that it's rebellion or unintentionally think it, but it really isn't. Rebellion is when your parents have crossed the line of your freedom and you do something to show them that they don't *control* every aspect of your life.

Please take your sons feelings in account. Counseling would be beneficial, but only beneficial if your son is willing to open up. This will help dissolve the feeling of boredom, distintrest in school if your son can open up. The main thing is, you need to communicate. Don't take this as a punishment or a last resort. Most people in the world need some sort of counseling, but don't do it and let stress eat away at their life. Find a counselor that can talk easily with your son. Perhaps a favorite teacher or something. Don't talk about school until he's completely open with his feelings. Talk about his past feelings and things that may have significantly altered his life. This won't be quickly fixed, but something *needs* to be done. You can't just let it pan out and see where it takes you by not doing anything. Right now, I'm not graduating and it's because I've never really found motivation and I don't really know how I can. There's alot of deeply rooted issues in my own life that have never been addressed. I'm trying to fix it though, because i acknowledge that this way of thinking is unacceptable and something needs to change.

Parents may not know this, but children and teens nowadays think deeply about life more often than not. We just have a harder time expressing our feelings. Boys are harder when it comes to this, because the pride gets in the way. Teens develop their personalities very very intricately during high school. Sometimes teens realize that they have a deeper level of thinking than most *which is true but they don't know how to express it* and then the ego develops and things just become boring. So please... Take your son away from the stress for at least a week or two. Allow him time to gather his thoughts and relieve pent up stress. Take the external means of distraction *television and computers, cell phones*, and replace it with friends and spend time together. Show him that you love him and try to get him to open up so he doesn't become stuck deeper in the box he's buried himself into. He's sick of hearing about school school school...

During this time of relaxation. Let him plan out his own life. Let him set his own goals. And encourage him in anything he wants to do. Just make sure he does it. I know he has dreams. Any teen does. He just needs to realize them for himself.

I hope my advice was helpful. This is from personal *recent* experience and I'm currently trying to help my friends little brother with this. It's difficult, but bear with it. Also, it's not going to go away just like that. So don't expect any miracle fixes [FIXED ENABLE JAVA IF YOU CANT GET ANY RETURNS]

 

[jtee]

TGyamiBakura, Yes without returns it is very hard to digest.

 

[princessmom618]

I'm with you, how is it possible to not complete assignments done in class?

What the hell kind of teacher even allows that? Have you met with them? What do they say?
[/quote]

The kind that say they can't "babysit" each student; they don't have 'that' kind of time.....
I have spent the last 6 school years hearing that same excuse. My son once had 22 missing class assignments!! I asked the teacher why she didn't advise me BEFORE it was too late about this, and second, I wanted to know what in the world did my son do all day long at school. Did she not notice that he wasn't participating? She told me that she did notice, but she couldn't "deal" with him anymore and then let me know that for 2 weeks after roll call she has him sit in the principle's office so he could "do nothing" there. I was outraged.
Oh, and he wasn't just doing nothing-- he has petit mal seizures;it's a brain "freeze" not convulsive and becomes disorientated post episode. He was having several episodes a day during that time and needed help catching back up with the class.That teacher wouldn't take the time to help orientate him. That was a sad year for him.
Most teachers I've learned don't want students that require some extra effort in learning.

 

[mom2many]

I turn it around on my kids, grades are everything but I run into problems when they enter the 9th grade, know mind you my kids are usually all A students, national honor roll, you name it, and then I am seeing C's....what? One day after having a parental fit about grades, something clicked in my little brain, at 13, 14, 15 they don't really care about college, cause they don't understand what it really means for theri future, we look at it as a good job, better future, more opportunity etc,. but you know what a 13 year old doesn't care, they don't grasp what all of that really doesn for them.

So the last time thid happened, the conversation went like this..." Ok you want bad grades, you want to think of only know, go ahead but let me paint a little picture of your future, there is this girl that you are interested in, I mean she is everything you ever wanted, but you have a low paying job and not enough money to afford rent and utilities, let alone taking her out on a proper date, so she declines you for the better prospect, BUT lets say that she agrees to go out, and is ok with what little money you have to offer, and she wants kids, how are you going to keep her happy? Ok so know you have a kid and he neads new shoes, but you can barely afford the food in his stomach" I think you see what I am saying, use the girls to get your point across, apply it to something their little hormonal bodies might be able to grasp.

Next I would require a signed daily progress report from the teachers with a list of what he still needs to do and what he didn't complete that day. Don't expect the teacher to be the one in charge, your son is more then old enough to take responsibility for his actions, don't be afraid of grounding and removing everything he owns and isn't essential, my feelings are if that is the future you are setting up for yourself then I guess we could start know so by the time you are 18 you will be comfortable with have only those thing that are necassary, I wouldn't want to set your standards to high! ANd second good luck, I haven't figured out which years are worse....Toddlerhood or teenagers!