How do you explain that your parents don't like your child's father?...

[MomoJA]

My ex really screwed up, but it's not worth it to me to be angry. I've pretty much completely forgiven him. While I do worry that he may disappoint my child, and while I sometimes wish I'd never gone out of my way to bring him into my daughter's life, and while it would certainly suit me better if he did not exist, he is part of my daughter's life and I want to make things as easy as possible on her and on myself. So we meet him for dinner every couple of weeks, sometimes more often, sometimes not as often.

Anyway, due to circumstances, it has become apparant to my child that her daddy is not welcome around my parents. They would never be rude to him, but they would give me a hard time. Like I've said, he screwed up and nobody can really understand why I don't hate him with a passion. Basically, they are so incredulous that I'm not completely uncooperative with him that it makes my dad angry at me.

So, how do I make my child understand why the grandparents she loves don't like the father she loves? I can't leave it at my parents just don't like him. That would confuse her too much. But I certainly can't tell her the truth about her dad, that he did bad things so her grandparents are angry at him.

So far, I've gotten away with telling her that when a daddy and a mommy aren't married anymore, a lot of people think they shouldn't be friends. I don't know how long that will satisfy her and I don't really want her thinking that either.

Any advice?

 

[jessicams]

You could simply say that they don't get along. People are different and sometimes they don't get along with each other but even tho her grandparents and her dad don't get along, they still love her very much. I personally wouldn't lie (even a small one like "I don't know why they don't like each other”) because later on you might have to correct yourself.

 

[mom2many]

Yep, I would just explain that we aren't always going to like people we meet and that it is okay cause people are different. When she is older the truth will come out and then you can explain it better but I am sure there have been people she didn't care for so explain that it doesn't make them bad people just people who have different opinions.

 

[singledad]

Its very difficult when adults can't be mature enough to bury their personal differences for the sake of the children they care about. Your situation sounds a lot like the situation between my in-laws and me - they've never forgiven me for the stupid things I did when I was young and... Well, stupid . They also made a point of giving my wife a hard time, and was barely civil to me. In the end, I confronted them and basically told them that if they wanted to hate me forever that was fine by me, but I would not tollerate them putting my daughter in the middle. My rules are simple - if they can't be civil to me, or if they insist on feeding my daughter poison about me, they can't see her. If they're civil to me and shut up about me when I turn my back, they can see her. They chose option 2. I don't leave her alone with them, simply because I don't trust them to carry out my wishes when I'm not here, but we've managed to establish a sort of truce, for the sake of my daughter.

In short, I think a serious talk with your parents is needed. They need to understand that their attitute is harming their grand-daughter, and they need to start acting like adults and be civil to her dad, even if it makes them sick.

As for expaining to your daughter, I think a simple "they don't get along" should be enough. All people can't get along at all times, and that doesn't make anyone "bad". This could actually be an ideal situation to use to teach her that.

 

[NancyM]

I agree that it should be the adults who make it easy for the child no matter how hard it is, and I commend you for doing that, I also agree that your parents need to bend a lot here, for the sake of your daughter.

I don't agree that your daughter needs to know the bad things dad did to you or them. That's my feeling, I know I wouldn't want to know those things about my dad when I was little. When she grows up, I feel it's up to your X to tell her why someone doens't like him. Or you parents to tell her why they don't like him.

Right now though you have to get her through her feeling sad for her dad, which I'm sure she does. It's hard for a little kid to be in the middle of love and hate, she shouldn't have to deal with those mixed up feelings, it's not her doing and she shouldn't have to care about it.

Maybe you can say something similar to what Singledad said, 'either stop with the angry words about him around your daughter, or else your going to send her to them the next time she asks questions" something like that.

Good luck