<r><COLOR color="black"><s></s>My fiancée’s Ex is a complete pushover. Almost to the point of apathy when it comes to discipline and the twins (two eleven year old boys). They stay up late, they eat ice cream and pizza, and lament when they have to return home Sunday evening to a (sorta) structured and disciplined environment. I'm wondering if his lack of cooperation is making our otherwise very relaxed demands on our children seem absolutely absurd considering their chosen activity is playing video games constantly. Because Mippie (nickname for Mickie) is pregnant and gestationally diabetic, we are trying to encourage the family to go walk around the apartment complex on a nightly basis. We have one of them take out the garbage, and another doing the vacuuming most nights. We have an allowance for them in an attempt to teach them a work ethic, but this doesn’t seem to be working. I do blame myself; I am not a very consistent example. Being 23 when I entered into the relationship with Mickie and the boys thrust me into a very sudden parenthood. I was warned by Mickie that it wouldn’t be simple or easy, and it had been due to my absences for work (they lasted a week at a time) and now the situation allows more face time and I find myself unable to talk to them much. I pick them up and do the ‘wrasslin’ with them from time to time but they don’t seem to like me much. I’m concerned about them liking me. But I’m more concerned with being a good example and role model, if that journey takes me inward then I welcome the advice and criticism. <e></e></FONT><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR></r>
How do you work together with a dad that doesnt discipline?...
- Thread starter Computerdad
- Start date
Hi and welcome.
Well, if I could make one suggestion off the top... You've raised at least two significant topics for conversation here:
1. Dealing with the discipline gap between your house and the ex-'s house.
2. Dealing with your role as a step-parent.
My suggestion is, why don't we use this thread to talk about #1, and then you can post a separate thread about how to get the twins to accept you more? That way, it will be easier to follow these two very different topics!
Regarding #1, my first question would be this: how open might the ex- be to some sort of discussion about this? Clearly, the BEST solution would be for both families to get on a similar page.
Sounds like my parenting style is similar to yours. Yet, I'm a single dad, and I confess there have been times where my life has gotten overwhelming, and I've looked up and suddenly realized we've eaten out five times in a row, and the kids are spending too much time on video games. Point is, it's possible (in theory) that the ex- would LOVE to have a more disciplined environment, he's just overwhelmed or unable to break his own bad habits. Big difference between THAT sort of ex- and one who just doesn't give a crap.
Good luck!
~s
Well, if I could make one suggestion off the top... You've raised at least two significant topics for conversation here:
1. Dealing with the discipline gap between your house and the ex-'s house.
2. Dealing with your role as a step-parent.
My suggestion is, why don't we use this thread to talk about #1, and then you can post a separate thread about how to get the twins to accept you more? That way, it will be easier to follow these two very different topics!
Regarding #1, my first question would be this: how open might the ex- be to some sort of discussion about this? Clearly, the BEST solution would be for both families to get on a similar page.
Sounds like my parenting style is similar to yours. Yet, I'm a single dad, and I confess there have been times where my life has gotten overwhelming, and I've looked up and suddenly realized we've eaten out five times in a row, and the kids are spending too much time on video games. Point is, it's possible (in theory) that the ex- would LOVE to have a more disciplined environment, he's just overwhelmed or unable to break his own bad habits. Big difference between THAT sort of ex- and one who just doesn't give a crap.
Good luck!
~s
Oh thats a good point i'll address my role in another topic.
The ex does genuinely want to benefit his children with his attention. for example, Ashe(one of the twins) worked for an hour or two on a holloween movie script that he could act out with his friends, his friends had no input on this and Ashe didnt appreciate it when they tore the first page up, he responded by tearing the rest of it up for him. Mickie and I didnt appreciate the gravity of the situation and how much it ment to him. though his father talked to him about it for well over twenty minutes about how he felt about it. Its strange to me how he can care so much when hes not there, and seemingly not care about how they act when they're at his house... being overwhelmed is definitely a possibility, I'd heard of a few stories about his depression getting to him. i'll have to look into that further.
The ex does genuinely want to benefit his children with his attention. for example, Ashe(one of the twins) worked for an hour or two on a holloween movie script that he could act out with his friends, his friends had no input on this and Ashe didnt appreciate it when they tore the first page up, he responded by tearing the rest of it up for him. Mickie and I didnt appreciate the gravity of the situation and how much it ment to him. though his father talked to him about it for well over twenty minutes about how he felt about it. Its strange to me how he can care so much when hes not there, and seemingly not care about how they act when they're at his house... being overwhelmed is definitely a possibility, I'd heard of a few stories about his depression getting to him. i'll have to look into that further.
what sbattisti said, about the ex's motives...!
It sounds maybe like he wants the kids' time at his house to be all fun and games. I was going to say, it doesn't matter why he's doing it, you need to deal with the disparity, but I think it really does matter, and the first question is does he see it? Does your wife have a cordial situation with him? Can she talk with him pretty honestly about issues related to the kids? Can she approach him with "these are the things we're trying to do to encourage the kids to be active" and see what he's willing to do to help?
Now, on the active thing. I'll suggest that going for a walk can be pretty boring for kids. Can you go play with them? Maybe walk TO a park or community center, play some soccer, hit a baseball, shoot some hoops, swim, play 2 on 1 dodgeball - (who doesn't like pelting an adult?) so if they don't in fact really like you, they get their aggression out AND get some exercise...and in the long run maybe see that you're a good sport fun to be with etc. If you're not the "rasslin' kind of guy and they aren't then the hokiness is going to shine through and they're just going to see your well-intentioned attempts as "lame." (or whatever the kids call it these days.) JMHO
It sounds maybe like he wants the kids' time at his house to be all fun and games. I was going to say, it doesn't matter why he's doing it, you need to deal with the disparity, but I think it really does matter, and the first question is does he see it? Does your wife have a cordial situation with him? Can she talk with him pretty honestly about issues related to the kids? Can she approach him with "these are the things we're trying to do to encourage the kids to be active" and see what he's willing to do to help?
Now, on the active thing. I'll suggest that going for a walk can be pretty boring for kids. Can you go play with them? Maybe walk TO a park or community center, play some soccer, hit a baseball, shoot some hoops, swim, play 2 on 1 dodgeball - (who doesn't like pelting an adult?) so if they don't in fact really like you, they get their aggression out AND get some exercise...and in the long run maybe see that you're a good sport fun to be with etc. If you're not the "rasslin' kind of guy and they aren't then the hokiness is going to shine through and they're just going to see your well-intentioned attempts as "lame." (or whatever the kids call it these days.) JMHO
hmm.. Thats a good point IAD, though less about actual televised wrestling and more picking them up and letting their mom tickle them when they're 'vulnerable'. but the biggest problem i have is relating to ashe, who seems very very afraid of change and spontinaity(?) being spontaneous. he comes home, he does his homework(i think im still at work at that point) i get home around 6:30 and ask them how their day was, they give me a few mumbles about it was fine but dont really tell me anything.
i think i need to organize my thoughts better on paper.
i think i need to organize my thoughts better on paper.
yeah, I think the "how was school today?" rarely gets you more than mumbles of "Fine." I usually have to probe into "what did you do in Math?" "What was for lunch" "Did anyone get in trouble" etc, and sometimes asking enough of those questions spurs some conversation about how things actually went.
I was lurking around and saw that someone recommended reading a book on talking to children so they can listen or something to that effect, im going to see if i can get it on this months budget, communication is so staggeringly important i didnt see it as such a problem between us until i read a few posts out here.
Ha ha! IADad, I think we are the same person. That is pretty much the 'car conversion' my son and I have after school. I live 2 minutes and 16 seconds drive from the school (timed by my son) and we cover all of those questions in that time frame. Occasionally his answers last until he makes it to the fridgeIADad said:
Step-parenting isn't the easiest, and it can take a long time for a relationship to be established. With my son and husband, they were buddies for quite awhile before any discipline was dished out. Maybe in the 2nd year. My son is with his father for 1/2 the week, and when both of the natural parents have an active role in the rearing, it's hard for a step-parent to get into a parenting role. I guess the way we did it is I set the rules, my husband just helped enforce them when I wasn't around.
I think with my son's dad, in the time after we split, he did a lot of entertaining. Seems to me he tried to fill our son's day with all kinds of fun activities. We had a stupid "who is more fun" competition going on. I lost, hands down, the first year at least. Now, after 5 years, his dad isn't having the easiest time keeping up this routine. So the way my son now views him isn't so great. I took a different approach and just have been consistent through the years. So, yeah, I didn't win the prize as most fun for the first year or two, but after 5 years, I'm still the same, and I think my son likes that better.
If the mom and dad can get on the same page with rules and discipline, it would be ideal. So, if it's possible for them to communicate, it would probably be best. But, I know that this can't always be achieved. I haven't been able to do it with my son's dad. So, now my poor guy has two sets of rules that he has to remember. It makes the transition day a bit of a bear and I know it's a lot to ask of him. BUT, I do think that it's what is best considering the circumstances.
I'll have to give you some props for taking this step parenting role seriously and really trying to figure out how to be the best parent you can. Read everything you can, have tons and tons of patience, and I would bet in time you will notice that you have a positive influence on these kids. Kudos to you!
He just mumbles when you ask him about his day? Congratulations, you're a parent now!
Oh, and to toss in something mildly helpful - if your finances are such that a book needs to be "in the budget," support your local library instead! I'm sure they have tons of good books!
Oh, and to toss in something mildly helpful - if your finances are such that a book needs to be "in the budget," support your local library instead! I'm sure they have tons of good books!
wow.. thanks for the support guys. St julie, I can identify with the step husband side of things. though the biological father is very active in their lives, hes not the most active individual. the boys and their dad go on weekend world of warcraft binges, they say they were going to go fishing, or whatever but the 'money situation wasnt good' which is true, but it has nothing to do with why they didnt go fishing. or really have any reason to be in the forefront of a childs mind. they obsess over his finances, because if he gets alittle worried he spills to them about his concerns and tells them he'll 'probably be forced to move back to connecticut soon' leaving the boys in constant ambiguity about whether or not they'll have their father around. everything I do, or try to do, the boys check against their father, tell me about what he had to say about it. and then make a decision. they live and die on the word of their father, which i did, and in alot of ways, i still do. its just strange being in this situation.
ps: sbattisti, i wear my library the @#$% out man. first name basis and everything
ps: sbattisti, i wear my library the @#$% out man. first name basis and everything
Try not to compare yourself to their dad. Apparently, he's always been that way.
I would also be careful not to criticize their dad within the kids ear shot, kids hear everything, and will resent you for that.
Just be yourself, and try to relax. You seem like a decent male figure and maybe you can make your own special impressions on them.
Their dad is probably never going to change and if you try to suggest that he does, I'm sure there will be problems.
hope this helped some.
I would also be careful not to criticize their dad within the kids ear shot, kids hear everything, and will resent you for that.
Just be yourself, and try to relax. You seem like a decent male figure and maybe you can make your own special impressions on them.
Their dad is probably never going to change and if you try to suggest that he does, I'm sure there will be problems.
hope this helped some.