How involved would you get in your adult child's love life?...

[cybele]

Or, future adult child's.

Inspired by a TV show finale that is on here tonight, called "Please Marry My Boy" which, pretty much is exactly what the title promises, Mum's picking women for their sons.

Now obviously its TV, and a set up, (and hilariously over the top, Milena, oh Milena you are brilliant, in a scary kind of way) but its gotten us talking our household, for you, where is that line, when talking about adult children, not teens, between involved and too involved? How much of your thoughts, opinions and values would you try to get your child to take with them into a relationship?

(For example, throughout the show, one of the boys's, Vlad, has been very obviously attracted to one of the contestants, and has flat out told his mother, Milena, that he likes her, Milena's reaction is usually along the lines of "We'll see about that" and keeps pushing Vlad towards a girl he isnt as keen on, but is of similar background and upbringing to Vlad)

 

[mom2many]

My children know that I will always have an opinion. Sorry that's who I am and no matter how old they get I will still be their mom.

There is however a point where as a mom I have to step back. Megans first boyfriend for example, I held of letting them date in hopes that she would see what was right in front of her face. Didn't happen, so I relented and 6 months later exactly what I told her would happen happened. She had to learn it the hard way.

Abuse is the only area that I would not step back from, that's where I would turn into a pit bull and have no shame about it.

 

[Mom2all]

Abuse is the only area that I would not step back from, that's where I would turn into a pit bull and have no shame about it.

I agree 100%! I may not like their choices.. but my Dad didn't ether. My 20 year old even brought home an exotic dancer once.. who was quite proud of it and wanted to share work tales. :wideeyed:

Still... not my choice.

 

[cybele]

I agree, dosent matter how old they are, abuse is something that I would never keep away from.

I was thinking more of a general sense. The point of needing to bite your tongue. I think im really torn with this, I want my opinion heard, like everyone does, and I will always be protective of my kids, but ive been on the other side and I did not like it one bit, my parents despise my husband, for really superficial reasons, and boy oh boy did they make that heard. So im quite worried that because of my experience, I wont step in when and if I should, because I dont want to be the person my parents were, but then, id end up being just as bad on the opposite scale.

 

[mom2many]

I agree, dosent matter how old they are, abuse is something that I would never keep away from.

I was thinking more of a general sense. The point of needing to bite your tongue. I think im really torn with this, I want my opinion heard, like everyone does, and I will always be protective of my kids, but ive been on the other side and I did not like it one bit, my parents despise my husband, for really superficial reasons, and boy oh boy did they make that heard. So im quite worried that because of my experience, I wont step in when and if I should, because I dont want to be the person my parents were, but then, id end up being just as bad on the opposite scale.

I would never be rude to someone based off the fact that 'I' don't like them, that's not who I am. However I have opinions as with anyone else. I will not keep my opinions to myself. Understand though, I am pretty laid back so you would really have to do something that goes against my beliefs in a big way.

 

[Antoinette]

luckily my children are still very young so this is not yet a big problem for me but i think i would TRY to accept whoever they brought home no matter my opinion (at least at first) because at the end of the day mistakes have to be made by yourself for you to realise they were mistakes.

my mum warned me not to date my Ex David and in hindsight she was right he was a complete jerk but without him i wouldn't have the two wonderful children i have today (on the flip side though, without him i would't have been an 18 year old girl with a 1 year old and a new born and no partner because he decided he didn't want that responsibility) but i grew from it and here i am happy and healthy and expecting another amazing child who i will love and who will grow up in a MUCH more stable environment.

so it really is hard to say what you would do until you are really confronted with the situation.

 

[DadofTeen]

With my 18 year old I believe in guidance...not direction...

She chooses...and I try to "help" her keep her eyes open and be honest...

She's had good ones and bad ones...all her decision...

It seems as though kids sometimes gravitate to the ones that mom and dad don't like...

DOT.

 

[IADad]

I'd love to think I could "pick" a partenr for my kids, but I really don't think it efver works that way...I hope to keep our relationship solid enough that they feel comfortable talking with me and listening to my questions, or concerns.

I really can't see me pushing them toward anyone (unless I did so quite subtly) and I really can't imagine having to tell them, "really? Her? (or him, I guess) are you crazy?" But I think I would if they ended up with someone really horrible, but I don't see it coming. We're trying to not give them that much to rebel against.

 

[saffire]

Parenting does not mean controling. It means being present and it means being there ... guiding, I may not have liked his last girl friend in some ways but I bit my lip a lot. Its over and my son and I have a good relation. Had I interfered I think it would have pushed him to her. I would have lost. At the same time I asked questions like do you think she will be a good mother? Reliable? Do you find that she has mood swings or is depressed Those two questions where spaced six month apart. He fiqured it out but he lived her and even tried to get her into therapy. She is in denial about her feelings mood swings and blames him. So a part of me is relieved that they have separated for good and a part of knows had she had good therapy he would have stood by her. Sucks. A person hast to be aware first and seek help. I tried talking to a mutual friend of both for her to get help but she is not ready. She is in her late twenties and it makes me sad that I coud not push anything and if anyone it could have been her parents that should have been assisting her. Tough. In some ways I am relieved that its over. It would have been a tough road and he has the opportunity to find someone more stable. She is beautiful in many ways and I hope that sometime she is able to get the help she needs. There is some really good therapy out there for people with mood swings but I could not reach her, She is into herself only too so its hard and she always had this evervesant attitude that she was the most important person in the room and the drama. A ;ot of lessons learned. Could anything have been differant? Had I interfered would it have been a better outcome. When they got back together the last time they broke up I could have gone all over my son but what is the point when he was attracted to her? We had some good talks along the way but he had to make his own choices. Its going to sting for a while.

 

[NancyM]

I would love to 'help' pick the right girl for my son. lol

As a matter of fact I suggested it to him in fun the other day and he said ' yeah go ahead and find me one' I was taken aback b/c he never lets me have a say in is love life/ or any thing. lol and can't blame him

but I think he meant it.!! he just came out of a break up and feels that woman take up way too much of his time and MONEY!! cracked me up..
The experienced 20 yr old.

Hey I'm keeping my eyes open, I know a lot of really good people who raised really great daughters and why not, they don't have to go together if they don't want to but maybe it's not such a bad idea.

 

[Cop2be]

Zero say.
If my mom had any control or say in my relationship I wouldn't be where I am today.
She never even knew he existed for months, didn't know I was staying at his place for longer (I was in college, working and not living at home for part of that.)
Had she known about any of it, I wouldn't have been "allowed" to stay the night at his place and we weren't quite there yet with the moving in together.

But fast forward to now we are living together and we talk all the time about making our life together and marriage and kids.

I am extremely glad I quit letting my mom meddle in my life.