How to deal with a MIL who just won't quit smoking (at least while visiting)??...

[VeggieMomma]

Hi VeggieMomma

As an ex-smoker, I share your disgust with the smell of smoke, however, I think you have to be careful about picking your battles.

Here's what my rules would be
- Smoke only outside, away from the door, so no smoke blows into the house.
- Wash your hands and rinse with mouthwash before you hold her.
- I like the idea of a "smoking outfit". That would take care of the smell and possibly nicotine deposits on their clothes.

If it makes you feel any better, at 2 weeks your baby will spend most of his time sleeping, and not in your MIL's arms!

I understand your fear about MSRA and airports, but the reality is that if they catch it, their clothes are the least of your worries. Germs don't live long on clothes. It's the germs in their bodies you should be worried about. In other words, the only way to avoid your baby coming into contact with those germs, is to let your in-laws stay in quarantine for a few weeks in between coming off the flight and entering your home. The good news is that especially if you breastfeed, but even if you don't, it really will be ok. (btw - if they're anything like me and most people I know, they'd want to wash up and change their clothes when they come off the plane anyway).

I totally get why you are afraid and that you just want to do everything in your power to protect your baby - that is normal, and a good thing, but I think you are worrying unnecessarily. Babies are stronger than they look.

I believe that allowing a strong and healthy relationship to form between your baby and her grand-parents will do more good in the long run than limited amounts of third-hand smoke for two weeks will do harm.

Thank you for the advice. I am glad that my daughter will be mostly with me feeding and sleeping. I am really just dreading this whole visit because she refuses to follow the majority of rules we have set and disagrees with most of our parenting choices. It angers me because she is overly rude about it and constantly lies... I do worry about the smoking to the point where it gets under my skin more than it should, Im sure but all in all, I just want my daughter to be safe. We will have them wash up and change their clothing before touching or holding her and hopefully once I talk to her again, she will agree to abide by our rules... Im honestly not worried about the relationship as much as I am her being openly selfish. I think my daughter will come to know her in time and that alone will ruin any relationship they could have had... My husband can't even stand her, which is terribly sad

Thanks again.

 

[VeggieMomma]

I am going to assume that this is your first baby. Not to take away from your concerns, but with first baby's, most mothers go completely overboard with concerns about everything.. makes you normal. I myself scrubbed my kitchen floor the day before my daughter was born with a toothbrush so nasty germs wouldn't find her. Looking back.. I doubt that in that first week of her life the chances of her laying on the floor licking it were slim.

Being concerned is okay and normal. But I think you have really locked in on the smoking and decided to stand your ground on this a little to far. Change your clothes when you get here from the airport, wash your hands, smoke outside and cover up with a jacket while your out there. That should be enough.

Otherwise.. to be fair and not appear to be just harassing her for her nasty smoking habit.. you have to consider ALL GERMs FROM EVERYONE.

Toilet flushing through bacteria in the air. Men hold their penises while peeing. People pick their noses in cars and then touch their clothes before getting to a sink to wash up. Pet their dogs.. rub their cats... hold babies with dirty diapers.. take out their garbage... pay for a drink at the gas station with cash.. ( money has more germs than anything), and here's the big one.. put their hands on your kitchen counter. Did you know that more germs are in your kitchen than in your bathroom? True story.. look it up.

So unless you've going to have every person that exist.. including you and your husband.. shower in and change into fresh clothes you provide.. before touching that baby.. your fighting a losing battle.. and being unfair if you don't. The smell of smoke with have less germs that you while leaning on your counter making a cup of coffee.

Here's the good news. The more germs your baby comes into contact with the more her body learns to fight them. I'm not saying dunk her in the toilet for baths.. but a little bit here and there build her immune system. Breast feeding gives her your antibodies. Your baby will come on these things.. sometimes she might even get sick.. but she'll be just fine.

Thank you for the advice. I do understand all of this. I think my biggest issue is not just the smoking (although I still feel very strongly that it not be around my daughter - my grandfather who is 65 even gave up smoking after hearing our rules) but biggest issue is that she just lies about everything and I am putting my foot down so hard because Im tired of her thinking she can walk over myself and my husband because "we were just too young." I do not think her using her e-cig for one week is a big deal when she is using it all day in her home.

As for the germs, I know germs are every where, I understand that. All I wanted was for them to clean up when they got back here. Maybe me saying they should shower was a bit much, but honestly, who doesn't want to shower after a plane ride?

I think the situation of my MIL already not liking me and already pushing her way into doing things I directly said were not going to happen is what's currently driving me (and my hormones) out of wack.

 

[VeggieMomma]

I've been reading the posts here veggiemomma and I really do understand your concerns for your baby. I too was a bit fanatical with my son, I was afraid of many things that when I look back now I have to laugh at how silly some of it was, and just hope no one else remembers. lol

Try to relax, take a deep breath and remember that we were all born, and we were ALL exposed to cigarette smoke, and other deadly chemicals at some point in our young lives.

Babies are really strong and a healthy baby can fight off just about all ordinary germs in it's surroundings. I'm sure your baby will be a healthy baby because you sound like you will be a good caring mom who will see to it.

It's funny because my friends and I were just talking the other day how we all were exposed to our parents smoke when we were born, and lived with it throughout our lives. Both my parents smoked, and it was kind the norm back than almost all adults smoked.

People smoked in doctors office waiting rooms, and hospital waiting rooms EVEN THE DOCTOR smoked! lol There were smoking sections in all public buildings, even the teachers smoked in the teachers lounge.

I agree it's best not to expose your infant to the smoking, but try not to battle it out with the MIL because this can only end up bad.

Just politely set your rules, maybe just something like please wash hands, and if you do smell the smoke on her, ask her to put one of those burping pads across her clothing when she holds your baby.
personally I wouldn't like my babies skin touching clothing that I thought wasn't clean either.

Other than that, try to relax about it, really, your going to have enough surprises and new experiences to deal with once the baby is born, and guess what...you may even need grandma to help you out one day, so try to work it out with out to much tension.

Good luck to you.

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. I am trying not to stress about it. i think the backstory of our relationship and my hormones are really getting to me which is causing me to be really freaked out about it all. I just want her to follow the rules Ive set when she herself said they could be done. I don't think my expectations are high when I am not the one who said "I'll quit smoking two weeks before you get here and the whole week you're here" (we are to visit them in NYC in april and I wasn't going to stay with them unless she cleaned her house/stopped smoking) Now, I am thinking because she is refusing to stop smoking for ONE week or use her e-cig (like she said she would while we were in NYC) that she is just lying and being manipulative because again she has never liked me... The thought of her purposely doing things I don't want done brings out my anxiety and kinda makes me crazy. All I really want is for her to smoke her e-cig, wash up when she arrives from the airport, and let me run their clean clothes through the laundry to get rid of the smoke because I don't want it lingering in my home. It makes my husband sick to his stomach and I'd like to protect him from that (it was even his idea.)

 

[VeggieMomma]

Honey if it was just that easy to stop smoking, most smokers wouldn't smoke.

I understand where you are coming from but if my grandfather can do it after smoking for 50 years, then she can smoke an e-cig for one week. Especially when she said she uses hers all the time and especially when she said she was going to stop for THREE weeks when we visit her in April.

She should lie to me and she shouldn't constantly fight with me over something that she said she was going to do. I did not say QUIT SMOKING. My first rule was NO SMOKING near the baby. Smoke outside, change your clothes, put them in the washer, whatever. SHE said she was going to quit smoking real cigs and smoke an e-cig. This is why it's such a big deal to me. If she can do that, then that's what I want because obviously it's less dangerous for our daughter. She should not have said she would do it when she was just lying to please my husband.

 

[bssage]

If she can stop smoking for three weeks then, why can't she do it for one week when my daughter is JUST born?

I would say she wont stop for three weeks. She will probably make excuses to leave and cover her tracks as best she can. She will probably not smoke in her own home. She will probably go to extremes to accommodate your rules. But IMHO she wont stop smoking

Especially when my own grandfather stopped smoking just recently after learning about our rules and he is much older and has been smoking for much longer than her.

Its really not apples to apples. My dad just threw away his pack and ended it at about 30 years old. 25 years later my mother ended up enrolling in a program at Mayo Clinic that isolated her to help her quit. This is after trying everything available.

Being an addict will make you a liar. Has nothing to do with cigarettes. It has everything to do with the addiction. The choice not to lie is compromised by the addiction. This also adds to the guilt and shame the addicted feels. Its also promotes a cycle of using the addiction to deal with the shame and guilt creating more shame and guilt.

Advanced smokers are killing themselves. Do you really think its simply a matter of just being stubborn that keeps them smoking? Do you really believe they are proud of the money they spend and the way they smell or their teeth yellow.

I hope maybe that helps you to see again, where I am coming from...

Believe it or not I do understand your point. One set of our children s grandparents refused to visit if we owned a dog. "dirty disgusting creatures" But I am also empathetic to her situation. Most of has had similar growing pains in our early parenting years. We have been there. Really I am going out on a limb here. But I think we all understand. The suggestions to this point have been about some potential compromises that could possibly reduce the stress. Your solution to this point has not allowed for any compromise. Addiction is a bitch. There is no other way to describe it. Unless you have been through it. You have no idea how strong the hold on you is.

 

[mom2many]

I understand where you are coming from but if my grandfather can do it after smoking for 50 years, then she can smoke an e-cig for one week. Especially when she said she uses hers all the time and especially when she said she was going to stop for THREE weeks when we visit her in April.

She should lie to me and she shouldn't constantly fight with me over something that she said she was going to do. I did not say QUIT SMOKING. My first rule was NO SMOKING near the baby. Smoke outside, change your clothes, put them in the washer, whatever. SHE said she was going to quit smoking real cigs and smoke an e-cig. This is why it's such a big deal to me. If she can do that, then that's what I want because obviously it's less dangerous for our daughter. She should not have said she would do it when she was just lying to please my husband.

I think you may find that she does use her e-cig, and probably a few real ones also. You'll also probably see that she will abide by the rules, it sounds like there is some power control going on, on both sides. Step back from the topic, and address it again when it is closer to their arrival. Right now, you and her are both fighting to win, nothing is ever accomplished when that is what you are trying to do.

I am a fight to win kinda girl, I even see it in my dd, it's taken me many years to understand that sometimes it isn't about winning, but about being heard. Nobody is going to 'hear' when everyone is trying to be right.

I also don't know why she said she would stop smoking, let's be realistic here, that's not how it happens and you are smart enough to know that. so she said something unrealistic and you are banking on that. Realistically she will quit when she is ready/can not even a new baby will change that.

As for hubby not liking his mom. Mine hates his mom, but she is a good grandma most of the time.

 

[VeggieMomma]

I would say she wont stop for three weeks. She will probably make excuses to leave and cover her tracks as best she can. She will probably not smoke in her own home. She will probably go to extremes to accommodate your rules. But IMHO she wont stop smoking

I hope she does go to extremes because I think that if she doesn't she will be more than hurt when my husband makes us leave and stay with someone else who doesn't smoke. He is dead set against it and he keeps trying to get her to quit, seek help, get healthy and she just doesn't want it... It makes me sad and frustrated that she lies constantly about it though.

Its really not apples to apples. My dad just threw away his pack and ended it at about 30 years old. 25 years later my mother ended up enrolling in a program at Mayo Clinic that isolated her to help her quit. This is after trying everything available.

Being an addict will make you a liar. Has nothing to do with cigarettes. It has everything to do with the addiction. The choice not to lie is compromised by the addiction. This also adds to the guilt and shame the addicted feels. Its also promotes a cycle of using the addiction to deal with the shame and guilt creating more shame and guilt.

Advanced smokers are killing themselves. Do you really think its simply a matter of just being stubborn that keeps them smoking? Do you really believe they are proud of the money they spend and the way they smell or their teeth yellow.

I understand. She has been using her e-cigs for a while now and claims to like them though, so why is it so hard for her to just use that for a week? As far as I know, she has always been this way. Her own sister says she is ridiculous and has always been a liar. Maybe being an addict has amplified that in her but either way it's so frustrating for me. Especially when, she doesn't feel any shame or guilt. She would smoke with the windows all rolled up with my husband and I in the car when we were 15, 16, 17, 18, etc... She also did this when my husband was a baby! When we complain about it, she says we're being silly and that it's not hurting us, meanwhile my husband was constantly dealing with illnesses that doctors were saying had been caused partially or completely due to the amount of smoke in his body. I would like to think that they are not proud of the money they spend, or their yellow teeth, etc, but honestly, I am not sure she feels any remorse for her habit. She thinks "doctors exaggerate the harms of smoke" and "Joey (my husband) is just complaining to complain."

Believe it or not I do understand your point. One set of our children s grandparents refused to visit if we owned a dog. "dirty disgusting creatures" But I am also empathetic to her situation. Most of has had similar growing pains in our early parenting years. We have been there. Really I am going out on a limb here. But I think we all understand. The suggestions to this point have been about some potential compromises that could possibly reduce the stress. Your solution to this point has not allowed for any compromise. Addiction is a bitch. There is no other way to describe it. Unless you have been through it. You have no idea how strong the hold on you is.

Thank you. I am going to make compromises where my husband will allow them but I really just want her to be understanding. It would be so much easier if she just came to us and said "I can't quit but I will TRY to only smoke the e-cig" or "I will only smoke 2 real cigs a day and smoke the e-cig the rest" etc. I want her to be honest and not lie about what will and will not happen. That just makes myself and my husband resent her...

 

[VeggieMomma]

I think you may find that she does use her e-cig, and probably a few real ones also. You'll also probably see that she will abide by the rules, it sounds like there is some power control going on, on both sides. Step back from the topic, and address it again when it is closer to their arrival. Right now, you and her are both fighting to win, nothing is ever accomplished when that is what you are trying to do.

I am a fight to win kinda girl, I even see it in my dd, it's taken me many years to understand that sometimes it isn't about winning, but about being heard. Nobody is going to 'hear' when everyone is trying to be right.

I also don't know why she said she would stop smoking, let's be realistic here, that's not how it happens and you are smart enough to know that. so she said something unrealistic and you are banking on that. Realistically she will quit when she is ready/can not even a new baby will change that.

As for hubby not liking his mom. Mine hates his mom, but she is a good grandma most of the time.

It is a bit of a power issue. Mostly because she just lies constantly and tries to over-run my authority in my own home. Last time she visited she caused my dog a lot of pain after taking him out on his correction collar and not knowing how to properly use it. She was told not to take him out and that we would do it once we got up, but she completely ignored us and I was furious. These are the kind of things that upset me. She completely ignores rules and authority because "we were just too young." She hates that my husband and I have been together so long and yet we are so young, that we got married young, that we are having children young, etc... But overall, this whole situation is about keeping my daughter safe. I just want her to care enough to try but she isn't trying at all... She is just making up lies. I understand that she is being unrealistic but I will continue to challenge her because if I do not, my husband will not let us stay there and that will break her heart, Im sure. I want everyone to get along and be able to spend time with my daughter, but they have to abide by the rules that my husband and I have set in order to do that...

 

[bssage]

My last little bit.

As much as you would like to. The only person you can truly change is yourself. You can influence others and help them. But you for sure cant do it for them.

The other thing is that I have been into Ecigs for a couple of years now. If she need some help finding the one's that she will crave more than a analog cig. I can turn her on to some truly fantastic cig's and juices. She probably just needs to find the right stuff that causes her to choose the ecig rather than just tolerate it. You can drop me a pm and I can set you up with some links that can open her eyes to a whole new world.

 

[VeggieMomma]

Thank you. I really am trying to put aside the past things that she has done and put a little bit of faith in her but it's so hard when she is such a liar and how two-faced she is... I do hope that we can influence her to want to change and not just tolerate our wishes.

I will send you a PM for those links. She is willing to try things and if you have suggestions, my husband and I would really appreciate them!

 

[bssage]

The link I sent probably has a hundred links for ecigs around the world. I would use my link as a starting point.

this is just an interesting link below

http://youtu.be/fuVCKh9ucX0

the latest and greatest heheh

 

[VeggieMomma]

Thank you!!

 

[cybele]

I think on the topic of her disagreeing on parenting styles and all that, you would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't had that battle with a family member. "Parenting style" is something quite unique to most people and yeah, family members will put your 2c in, ESPECIALLY with your first. I actually remember saying to my mother when my 18yr old was a newborn "Are you serious, how did I not die?" trust me, I think all of us have been there and done that, and it doesn't really go away, continues to pop up, from parents to teachers to strangers who are apparently experts who Mums at school to the lady at the supermarket to that one weird SIL you have who thinks that you shouldn't let your children look at the stars at night because starlight gives you cancer (weirdest phone conversation of my life).

At a point, you really have to start taking a bit of a water off a ducks back approach, and accept that everyone has their opinions and just count yourself lucky that if you think MIL is going to be the primary source of parenting conflict, that she has to take a plane to get to you.


Meanwhile, when you mentioned that 3 week period where she said she would quit but didn't. Look, none of us know your MIL, so we can only offer suggestions that we think are plausible, but is it at all possible that she TRIED to quit and failed? I quit about 18 years ago... what finally got me over that finish line was being pregnant with Dita, and the guilt that I smoked throughout my whole first trimester was just compounding on me. However, took me about 15-ish attempts to quit, I started "trying to quit" when I was 19, finally quit when I was 24, and that wasn't by far the hardest road i've seen people take. Even now many years later I still crave and I have relapsed many many times (only single's now and then, but it's happened). It's hard, very hard. So if she has been voicing that she is trying to quit, there is a good chance that she is, it's just getting the better of her and for that she will probably need more support rather than criticism.

 

[VeggieMomma]

I understand disagreements happen but what I don't appreciate is the fact that she is the kind of person who purposely does what you just asked them not to do. She loves to do whatever she wants and that is what upsets us. It is immature and unacceptable. Disagreements happen, yes, I am more than aware, I have already dealt with my fair share of them throughout my pregnancy but no one in my family or anyone else in my husbands family purposely goes against what we say goes.

When she talks I let it go and kind of let it in one ear and out the other because I know, she is just trying to prove that she is right and was a good mother (even though her own son thinks she was a terrible mother and he is the only child she has) and that is all fine and dandy... The point is though, she will do whatever she wants if I do not enforce and stay firm (my husband feels the same way.)

She said, she is going to quit for three weeks in April when we plan to visit my husband's family in NYC. She has never tried to quit. She feels no need to quit and thinks we are all wrong and that smoke does not cause any harm or damage to anyone. The only reason she is trying the e-cigs now is because of our daughter and the rules that have been set in place. She claims that she likes them and will switch to them but we will see..

I understand quitting is hard but if you want it bad enough and are willing to seek help then it is possible. I think though, that is is selfish of her to look at her full grown son and see the damage her smoking has done and still not want to TRY to quit for her granddaughter. I am fully supportive of her trying to quit, seeking help, trying e-cigs, I have even bought her several different ones to try, etc, I don't openly criticize her EVER but I am going to put my foot down this time because my daughter's health is more important than her addiction.

 

[bssage]

This is the best piece of advice I can give. You can drop the safety and the health portion of your discussion with grandma. Really there is no study that shows a link to limited infrequent causal exposure to third hand smoke. Including the studies you linked to. IMHO it only takes away from the reality of Your house, Your family, Your rules. That should be all you need. She is old enough to understand "house rules" And I dont think anyone will argue you get to make the rules in your house. Anything else just opens it up to discussion.

I think as much as possible you should take the high road. Just try your best to include her when possible. Make it her choice not your rules that exclude her.

I keep flashing back to my grandmother on my mom's side. Your daughter will be soon picking up cue's from you about social norms. Even when you think she is to young: she will be soaking up your moods and behavior. Your mood I would think would be more about sympothy for your MIL.

When my grandma died. Noone went to the funeral that was not required to be there. Not a single friend. Not a single coworker or peer. Only the family was present. And rather than the stories of pride and accomplishment. The hall was filled with stories of missed opportunities, Of how she had been so misguided how she worked so hard at sabotage her own life. that we were able to see the humor.

Through the years grandma will be an opportunity to teach your little girl how not to get wrapped up in worthless drama. And how win in private when you cant win in public. My parents did an unbelievable job of this. Its something I carry with me today. Look at this from every angle and turn it into a win. Not a struggle.

 

[Mom2all]

I think you need to relax a little. I know the smoking thing is important. You've gotten pretty good advice on it. Smokers and no smokers alike agree that you tell her to smoke outside, shower after the airport, wash her hands and even mouthwash after a smoke.. but I think we all agree thats about as much as you can dictate fairly. You say you have a right to how you want things to be around your baby, and you are correct to a degree, but not to the point you have a right to dictate how your MIL is when she is not around her. Its unfair to tell her that somethings she's been doing her whole life, you see as nasty, she can't do and still be a part of the baby's life.

I think you should consider this. You said you have a dog. I'll assume he lives inside with you and lets say you've had him years and love him dearly. He's apart of your family. Now.. I can point out studies that show that inside dogs going out to pee walking through a yard they already used the bathroom in, filled with germs that he's going to track back in your house. In fact, you need to make sure you take off your shoes at the door, because now, they are contaminated with said germ filled feces yard. There are studies that show pet dander is horrible for people. And dogs can turn aggressive on children, seeing them as equals and becoming jealous of them.

Now.. If I were to tell you the only way to be a good Mom is to get rid of the dog completely to insure your babies safety, you'd probably think I was nuts. Why can't you pay attention to your shoes, make sure your pooch's feet are cleaned when he comes in, wash him often, and never leave him alone with the baby?

Then I say.. thats not good enough. What would you say to me? Now imagine that I am in control of if you actually take your baby home.. like your in control of if your MIL can meet and spend a week getting to know her only Grandchild. Asking a smoker not to smoke around you is fair.. but expecting them to just walk away cold turkey is almost impossible. I think she lied and is appealing to her son because she knows how hard it is to quit, and you've really left her no choice. If she wants to love the baby, she has to tell you want you want to hear.

Quitting smoking is the hardest drug to quit. Its legal. Its in your face in every store you go to. There are people smoking on at every corner. It's not as easy as a non-smoker assumes. Alcoholics and drug addicts everywhere agree.. its easier to quit those than the smokes. Be patient and give her credit for at least giving it effort. Believe it not, just the walking outside and having to clean up religiously is an effort for her.

And then remember.. you only have to see her once in a while. You really don't know how bad it can be. I have an ex-MIL that that honestly was so hard to get along with. She was mean and sneaky and did things that would blow your mind. I stayed calm and pleasant biting my tongue more often than not and now I'm more grateful of that than anything. You see, my son now goes to visit his Dad out of state each summer. I can call her and see how my son is doing when I can't reach his Dad or to talk to him when he's at her house. She's on my facebook so I can see pictures of him through the summer. The same hand you want to bite now maybe feeding you later.

Hang in there.

 

[VeggieMomma]

I think you need to relax a little. I know the smoking thing is important. You've gotten pretty good advice on it. Smokers and no smokers alike agree that you tell her to smoke outside, shower after the airport, wash her hands and even mouthwash after a smoke.. but I think we all agree thats about as much as you can dictate fairly. You say you have a right to how you want things to be around your baby, and you are correct to a degree, but not to the point you have a right to dictate how your MIL is when she is not around her. Its unfair to tell her that somethings she's been doing her whole life, you see as nasty, she can't do and still be a part of the baby's life.

I think you should consider this. You said you have a dog. I'll assume he lives inside with you and lets say you've had him years and love him dearly. He's apart of your family. Now.. I can point out studies that show that inside dogs going out to pee walking through a yard they already used the bathroom in, filled with germs that he's going to track back in your house. In fact, you need to make sure you take off your shoes at the door, because now, they are contaminated with said germ filled feces yard. There are studies that show pet dander is horrible for people. And dogs can turn aggressive on children, seeing them as equals and becoming jealous of them.

Now.. If I were to tell you the only way to be a good Mom is to get rid of the dog completely to insure your babies safety, you'd probably think I was nuts. Why can't you pay attention to your shoes, make sure your pooch's feet are cleaned when he comes in, wash him often, and never leave him alone with the baby?

Then I say.. thats not good enough. What would you say to me? Now imagine that I am in control of if you actually take your baby home.. like your in control of if your MIL can meet and spend a week getting to know her only Grandchild. Asking a smoker not to smoke around you is fair.. but expecting them to just walk away cold turkey is almost impossible. I think she lied and is appealing to her son because she knows how hard it is to quit, and you've really left her no choice. If she wants to love the baby, she has to tell you want you want to hear.

Quitting smoking is the hardest drug to quit. Its legal. Its in your face in every store you go to. There are people smoking on at every corner. It's not as easy as a non-smoker assumes. Alcoholics and drug addicts everywhere agree.. its easier to quit those than the smokes. Be patient and give her credit for at least giving it effort. Believe it not, just the walking outside and having to clean up religiously is an effort for her.

And then remember.. you only have to see her once in a while. You really don't know how bad it can be. I have an ex-MIL that that honestly was so hard to get along with. She was mean and sneaky and did things that would blow your mind. I stayed calm and pleasant biting my tongue more often than not and now I'm more grateful of that than anything. You see, my son now goes to visit his Dad out of state each summer. I can call her and see how my son is doing when I can't reach his Dad or to talk to him when he's at her house. She's on my facebook so I can see pictures of him through the summer. The same hand you want to bite now maybe feeding you later.

Hang in there.

My point is not that I want her to quit cold turkey. I want her to smoke her e-cig because that is what she said she would do and as of right now she does use an e-cig while visiting my FIL's mother and whatnot. Im asking her to not smoke REAL cigs because her going in and out of my home from smoking outside will still bring it inside and her clothes will still be sitting in my house making my house smell like smoke.

I have no desire to be unfair or mean to her. Im just sick of her playing games. She has NEVER been a nice or fair woman to me and this is something I refuse to budge on.

As for my dog... He is extremely well trained, cleaned regularly, and we have tons of yard space so it is not often he pees/poops in the same spot, especially since he is always kept on a leash and we don't take him to the same spots all the time. I understand where you are coming from though.

If you were telling me this because you cared about the safety of my daughter and were a professional (medical, etc) then I would probably get rid of my dog because I love my daughter and she comes first, but if you were my MIL who has hurt me, treated me badly, and constantly ignored my wishes, I would obviously tell you to shut up and get over yourself. See what Im saying?

I understand it is hard to quit, that is why I am not asking her to quit... I just want her to use her e-cig for ONE week while she is staying in my home with my two week old daughter. There will never be a point in my life where I wish I continuously tried to make her like me (especially after I have already spent almost 9 years doing so) so as for the relationship part, I am not worried about it. She will never like me or find my ways of parenting "right." That is just who she is.

 

[VeggieMomma]

This is the best piece of advice I can give. You can drop the safety and the health portion of your discussion with grandma. Really there is no study that shows a link to limited infrequent causal exposure to third hand smoke. Including the studies you linked to. IMHO it only takes away from the reality of Your house, Your family, Your rules. That should be all you need. She is old enough to understand "house rules" And I dont think anyone will argue you get to make the rules in your house. Anything else just opens it up to discussion.

I think as much as possible you should take the high road. Just try your best to include her when possible. Make it her choice not your rules that exclude her.

I keep flashing back to my grandmother on my mom's side. Your daughter will be soon picking up cue's from you about social norms. Even when you think she is to young: she will be soaking up your moods and behavior. Your mood I would think would be more about sympothy for your MIL.

When my grandma died. Noone went to the funeral that was not required to be there. Not a single friend. Not a single coworker or peer. Only the family was present. And rather than the stories of pride and accomplishment. The hall was filled with stories of missed opportunities, Of how she had been so misguided how she worked so hard at sabotage her own life. that we were able to see the humor.

Through the years grandma will be an opportunity to teach your little girl how not to get wrapped up in worthless drama. And how win in private when you cant win in public. My parents did an unbelievable job of this. Its something I carry with me today. Look at this from every angle and turn it into a win. Not a struggle.

I understand what you're saying but she DOESN'T follow house rules, as I stated before when I was talking about her previous visit and my dog... She disobeys everything she finds "retarded." I am going to try my very best to deal with her in a civil and tolerant way but I still feel that she just wants to play games with me instead of just doing what I've asked.

Thank you for the advice. I hope that my MIL will be an opportunity to teach my little girl how to avoid the worthless drama..

We will just have to see how it goes... I keep hoping for the best, lol.

 

[bssage]

I hope that my MIL will be an opportunity to teach my little girl how to avoid the worthless drama..

We used to play games with my B of a grandma. Included in her long list of major flaws she was a hypochondriac.

We would share looks and dad usually would start with: "Oh my knee has been hurting" to which she would respond "you know I have been having problems with mine to" Followed up with my brother saying "how is your jaw doing bryan" and soon she would be holding her jaw. Before we left she would be practically quadriplegic. (yeah I know its kinda mean. But so was she.)

Typically I dont make fun of people. But in cases like these. I would share some inside jokes with hubby. Make a bet about who she will lie to the most. Or the number of lies each of you can catch her in. Write each lie down and at the end of the visit the one with the most lie's wins . You may find the funnest part of the visit is the lies.

I think you should have to share the most insane lie with us. Since it was my idea.

 

[VeggieMomma]

Haha!

Thank you for the advice, Im sure my husband will get a kick out of this

I will definitely share with you guys! Hehe

I will be making a phone call to her today after speaking to the pediatrician and see if we can come to an agreement. The pediatrician wants her to smoke outside and stay out there for 15 minutes after each cig, wear a jacket that is ONLY for smoking, wash her hands, brush her teeth/use mouth wash, and keep her hair up and out of the babies face... She also wants us to get air purifiers and use the humidifier wherever the baby is sleeping/spending the most time...

Wish me luck, I suppose? Haha...