How to make my fiancee more comfortable?...

[Tracyt90]

Me and my fiancee have been together for almost two years now. She got pregnant with my child shortly after we got together. We have been down a real bumpy road in our short time together. We had our son, we were living with family for awhile, bouncing from place to place. And we finally got our lives somewhat settled down. SHe has a good full-time job, we have our own apartment, I'm working on getting back into college, we got nothing but clear skies ahead.

And about 3 weeks ago, my son (from another girl) who is almost 3 came to live with us. I've been in and out of his life his whole life, (his moms decisions, not mine) but he knows me, and is more comfortable with me than anyone else. When me and my fiancee, got together she knew I had a child, and I told her repeatedly that I plan on having him living with me soon. And now that it's a reality I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just throwing him on her and I feel like I'm being unfair to her.

She treats him like her own, but she has also had to make sacrifices. It's not just us and our baby anymore. It's us and our baby and now a toddler that's not even hers.

Recently we traded them bedrooms, we gave them our big 14x16 room and took the small 8x10 that used to be our baby's room. Two boys need a lot more space than me and her do.

What can I do to make her more comfortable?

 

[Jeremy+3]

What is your fiancee uncomfortable with? You've highlighted your fears, such as you feeling you have forced your son on her, but what has your fiancee expressed about it?

I'm just asking because somethings that we consider to be a problem, aren't a problem for the other person.

 

[Tracyt90]

She hasn't really expressed much yet, but I don't expect her to either. She wasn't to happy about trading bedrooms. But, she isn't very open with a lot of her feelings. Also, my son doesn't have very good speech skills, his mom didn't teach him much, so she gets frustrated when he tries talking to her. And it just feels like she's not very welcoming of him.

But maybe it's just my fear of her rejecting him?

 

[NancyM]

Sometimes people just get overwhelmed and it comes out in ugly ways.

Can you possible get professional counsuling? I say this because

You two seem like a great couple. My God, having an instant 3 year old added to your family is a huge adjustment for all of you.

The best advice I can give is to keep talking, and try not to become defensive if she says something you don't like about your son, try to hear whats underneath her words. Feelings are hard to put into words sometimes.
She may have fears that you love or will love your first child more than your child with her. Or that somehow your first girlfriend will always be around now that you have the baby.. She probably has a lot of worries, maybe she isn't sure she can handle 2 kids and is afraid of what you would think if she tells you this. ( I know it would've freaked me out )

I'm sure she is trying to make you happy and is trying to love your son, she may feel bad about herself because she is having such a hard time with it, but it really is a big change and responsibility for both of you.

You seem like a mature young man, and a kind loving father,and boyfriend, who has a lot on his plate. It's important that you fix this as soon as possible because otherwise it will just fester into anger beyond help.

I suggest counseling if you can afford it, maybe your insurance will pay for it, or you can talk to a member of your clergy. This happens to a lot of people, and the best thing you can do for your family is get some professional help as soon as possible.

Good luck hope I helped some.

 

[Tracyt90]

Sometimes people just get overwhelmed and it comes out in ugly ways.

Can you possible get professional counsuling? I say this because

You two seem like a great couple. My God, having an instant 3 year old added to your family is a huge adjustment for all of you.

The best advice I can give is to keep talking, and try not to become defensive if she says something you don't like about your son, try to hear whats underneath her words. Feelings are hard to put into words sometimes.
She may have fears that you love or will love your first child more than your child with her. Or that somehow your first girlfriend will always be around now that you have the baby.. She probably has a lot of worries, maybe she isn't sure she can handle 2 kids and is afraid of what you would think if she tells you this. ( I know it would've freaked me out )

I'm sure she is trying to make you happy and is trying to love your son, she may feel bad about herself because she is having such a hard time with it, but it really is a big change and responsibility for both of you.

You seem like a mature young man, and a kind loving father,and boyfriend, who has a lot on his plate. It's important that you fix this as soon as possible because otherwise it will just fester into anger beyond help.

I suggest counseling if you can afford it, maybe your insurance will pay for it, or you can talk to a member of your clergy. This happens to a lot of people, and the best thing you can do for your family is get some professional help as soon as possible.

Good luck hope I helped some.

thank you, counseling is something ive thought about, but its not in our budget right now, were trying are hardest to hold together, and it is a big change, for her and for me

 

[sbattisti]

thank you, counseling is something ive thought about, but its not in our budget right now, were trying are hardest to hold together, and it is a big change, for her and for me

I "preach" about this a lot, but I soooo often hear the excuse that people can't afford counseling, and in probably 95% of the cases, it's a total cop-out.
<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• If you are religious at all, clergy almost always offer counseling services</LI>
  <LI>
• Even if you are NOT religious, if you don't have a huge PROBLEM with organized religion, a local church would almost always be willing to help you out (without preaching to you)</LI>
  <LI>
• If you have health insurance, most counselors accept it, so you're looking at paying just a co-pay, depending on your insurance. If you're going to say you can't afford the co-pay, then you need to consider your budget priorities. What do you have in your life that is more important than your relationship? Cable TV? Internet access? Magazine subscriptions? Ciggies? Eating out?</LI>
  <LI>
• There are many group support organizations, for practically every topic you can think of.</LI>
  <LI>
• If you're truly poverty-stricken, there are many free counseling services out there that you could have located in the time it took me to write this post</LI>

</LIST>The truth is, if you wanted to get counseling, you could get counseling.

To continue preaching, I really don't get why people, particularly men, won't embrace counseling. Maybe it's just who I am, but if I break my arm, I want to go see someone who knows about arms. If I need help with my finances, I want to go to an accountant or someone who knows a lot about such things.

So when I need help with my emotions, or with a family situation, then dammit, I want to go to someone who is trained to deal with this stuff!

OK, nuff said.

 

[unreasonabledad]

It sounds like you're making assumptions about how your fiance feels. It's an adjustment for everyone so it only makes sense that it will take time before it feels normal. You can't "make" your fiance feel more comfortable. Counseling may help it may not. I don't want to get into a debate over it but I've found it to be overrated.

 

[Hartz75]

Be open and honest iwth your fiance. Talk to her, tell her you are woried she may have issues with this situation and tell her she needs to talk to you with any issues she may have. Tell her you will keep an open ear and heart and that communication will help you both deal with a situation before one starts.

My first marriage failed due to lack of communication, my second marriage is going strong, but we both talk calmly about any conerns we may have, and sometimes my concerns are not his so I was stressed for nothing!

 

[JessicaMadison]

I would say you should just talk to her. Ask her if she's comfortable with your son or if it bothers her that he lives with you. It's not an uncommon thing by any means but I can imagine it would be overwhelming just when your life was starting to settle down.

Just make sure to make your eldest son feel comfortable with the situation. It will be nice for him to have time with you and your fiancee. But, it will be great for him to get to know his little brother too. It will be nice.

I think you guys should just try to spend lots of time together as a family. The four of you should just go out and do things together. She sounds like she's doing fine with everything going on. Good luck. I'm sure everything will be just perfect in the end.

 

[Tracyt90]

Thank you guys so much for your advice.

 

[bssage]

I know this is a old line from me. BUT WHAT I WOULD DO ISSSSSS.

Let her read your OP. You have articulated your concerns very clearly. It comes through that you ask because you care.

IMHO explain that you have trouble giving a clear description verbally. Many people do. Just ask her to read you post some of the replies if she wants.

Explain that family should be fun and you want to help make it fun for her.


Then listen
Bssage

 

[FirstDaddy]

If she cannot treat the child as if it were her blood you should take both the young ones and bail.