how to tell the kids more about being adopted and their background...

[adoptive dad]

Okay so me and Fern are at a point where we feel its time to tell Mathew and Caitlyn more about their background, and about being adopted.

Caitlyn's background - Caitlyn's father was an alcoholic and drug addict - she was seriously abused by him, her mother asked for her to be removed. Her mother then committed suicide.

Mathew's background: Mathew was left on a doorstep and nothing else is known about his parents.

How do we tell them these quite painful facts? At the moment they know that they are adopted which means they were really really special when wesaw them we chose them to be our kids. But not much more. Help!!!

 

[mom2many]

Do they know they are adopted?

If they do and haven't asked questions about their biological parents I wouldn't say anything. When they are ready they will ask.

I have a 16 year old brother that was placed for adoption. We are friends on FB and chat often, but I believe he has always known he was adopted.

 

[Xero]

Oh no, I wouldn't tell them things like that at this age I don't think. There is no reason for it. They should know they were adopted, there's nothing wrong with that, so they maybe know that they didn't come from mom's belly but were hand picked because you wanted to love them so much.

I agree with M2M, I am sure they will ask about their history someday, and when the time comes you can come up with an appropriate explanation and they deserve to hear it for sure. I can't see them asking at this age, but if for some reason they happened to ask for more details and I didn't feel like I could skirt around it until they were older, then I would try to make it more age appropriate. For Caitlyn perhaps "the mom and dad you were born with were very sick and couldn't take good care of you, so they gave you to us because we aren't sick and we love you very much and take good care of you". For Mathew perhaps "we think your birth mom was scared and wasn't able to take care of you, so she left you somewhere she knew someone would find you and take good care of you, which is very special because that's how mommy and daddy found you" You can word it your own way. Just obviously don't tell them like you told us haha (or like I said before, avoid it until they are older and become curious and ask).

 

[IADad]

Just like many things, it's common for adults to wory and project our fears of what kids will want to know, what they will be scared about.

Several years aggo, we had a criminal tragedy strike a family at our school, and in the aftermath of that we had meetings with counselors about how to handle how our kids might react. Their advice was; first don't lie to them. Try to give them the most succinct yet acurate answer you can give them, in terms they'll understand. Second - don't answer questions they haven't asked.

So, I know it's difficult for you to know what you do about their past and feel a need to be honest with them, I would hold off until they ask about them and then only give as much detail as they ask for. They have a lifetime to come to grips with their past, and they've had a lot of innocence stolen from them already. If they are happy now, let them be happy. They will need that basis of knowing what happiness is to balance things in the future (JMHO) maybe check with your counselors too before you say anything.

 

[akmom]

I agree with the others. Letting them know they were adopted and treasured is enough. The details can wait until they ask. And then, make it age-appropriate.

I wouldn't tell a young child that their parents were alcoholics, or committed suicide. I like the explanation that the father was too sick to take care of a child, and the mother died. Calling alcoholism a sickness is close enough to the truth that you can elaborate on it when she is older, and has some understanding of what substance abuse is (and asks for those details). And I see no reason to divulge that the mother's death was a suicide, until she is much, much older and presses for those details.

 

[adoptive dad]

I have just realised I didn't say where this came from as personally I feel they are still to young, however after being informed by both Caitlyn's teacher and Mathew's playgroup leader, both of whom say that Caitlyn and Mathew were asking questions, odd they both said it in the same week I know. Anyway we decided it was time to inform further. To do this I think we will use Xero's way of informing them, I agree with IA Dad that they deserve to have as normal a life which is why we will play it in a way that they lead it and we only answer their questions and devulge what they want to know. Akmom - I totally agree with you I think its important to make it as child friendly as possible.
Thanks for the help guys

 

[babysitter]

If a child asks directly about the circumstances of his or her adoption, first the parent(s)/guardian(s) should focus on his or her coming home and his or her first experiences with them, then, when he or she is older, they can tell him or her about the process of adoption, then, when he or she is older still, they can tell him or her that his or her parents were unable to take care of him or her (ensuring that he or she understands that it was a failure on the part of their parents, not him or her). One day, he or she will want to know more than this and, if they think he or she is old enough to know, you can tell him or her all the details.

 

[MarkLakewood336]

The way I would approach your kids regarding their adoption might be a little bit different than what other parents might consider doing. But I would give them this information based on what they can emotionally digest at the time. I would first start off telling them that they were adopted primarily because their parents could not care for them. I would leave it at that unless of course your children have further questions about their parents. At which case, you can delicately give them bits and pieces of information when your children specifically ask for it. When they ask, this is a sign that they are able to emotionally digest the information. So therefore I would use this as your gauge in terms of how much information to give them. They may ask more questions now, days later, or years later. But I think that it is important for us to give them information based on their ability to digest it emotionally.

 

[cybele]

Maybe this thread should be locked given that the OP was a troll? Kind of seems unfair for people to invest time in helping him with his problem when it wasn't real.

 

[Xero]

Yeah, I will close it. Makes me kind of sick he made this stuff up. It's like a mockery to kids that really do go through these kinds of things. :/