How to Tell Toddler He is Adopted...

[Andrea Brown]

We have four beautiful children and our fourth, a lovely son, was adopted. He is now 2 1/2 and we are seeking advice about telling him about his adoption.

Does anybody have advice or experience to share with us? We really want to do this right. Honestly, our lovely son is a dear to us as if he were blood. It is very important to us that we share this with him over time in the most loving way possible, so he knows how very loved and wanted he is.

Thank you for any help you can provide!

Andrea

 

[Henrike]

Hello Andrea,
Although I have no experience with your current situation, my gut feeling tells me that it may still be a bit early to drop this on your son. My nephew is 2 years and 4 months old now and he is strugglig to figure out why his baby sibbling is in mum's belly and not his dad's or his own... I think there is no risk that he will later complain about having been left about his biological ancestry by you for too long.
All the best to you and your family,
Hen

 

[asm88]

this is a hard one, good luck

 

[bssage]

I have a nephew who was adopted. Next time I talk to my brother I will ask. But I also am pretty confident that 2.5 is to young. IMHO he would need to be at a age where he can understand at least some of the complexities involved.

 

[Buttaflly227]

Well congratulations on having such a nice big family!
I would try not to make it too complicated. My friend was adopted and her mother told her when she was young that some babies grow in mommy's bellies (and leave it at that for now lol) but some babies grow out of mommy's hearts and that he was one that grew from your heart. Then if you want to go further just explain that family's grow out of love and blood doesn't make love, hearts do. Give the example of how you and your husband don't have the same blood but you love each other very much and are part of this family. I like the idea of that if I ever adopt that's my plan. I support your decision of telling them when their young too, so props for that !

 

[FPN_Trey]

I agree with telling them while they are young and the only thing that might have me say your little one is not ready has nothing to do with the emotional impact but more about his inability to understand the words/concepts, but I still recommend familiarizing him with the vernacular. Then the word adopted will not be foreign to him when you explain it.

Once he is ready I would tell him. We've added a stigma to the word adopted that is unfounded. Adoption is a beautiful thing and being adopted is just as incredible!

I love that you have connected something very important to this. The names "Momma" and "Daddy" are earned titles...not biologically influenced ones.

Most impactful thing I saw working with Foster/Adoption agencies was a little boy who was black call his adopted parents who were white "momma and daddy." It was a reminder that genetics has little to do with the title. Thank you for stepping up to the plate with your son.

Again, I thought that Buttaflly's suggestions were very solid. Be comfortable with the terminology, know what you believe about adoption and being adopted, and stick to the facts.

Lastly, I highly recommend staying away from vague metaphors about adoptions. Forgive me Butta for using this and no offense intended, but young kiddo's struggle to process abstract concepts. We explain that babies form inside momma's uterus (I recommend staying away from belly and stomach...it <I>can</I> create confusion later). But I would stay away from phrases like babies growing from your heart. It won't stunt them I promise...but it can create some confusion.

Thanks for asking this! This has prompted me to create my next episode on this since it is such a good question.

 

[MinnDad714]

I have a friend who, along with his wife, adopted a little girl from Brazil. I don't have much advice, except that to reinforce the idea of how loved and wanted your child is, celebrate the day your child was adopted rather than the birthday. It's one of the greatest ideas I'd heard from them.

 

[momtoallkids]

2.5 is a little young. my cousin was adopted by his grandparents. they told him when he was about 10. personally i would wait until he starts asking questions. at his age he is too young to understand what "adopted" means let alone grasp the concept of its explanation.

 

[parentastic]

We have four beautiful children and our fourth, a lovely son, was adopted. He is now 2 1/2 and we are seeking advice about telling him about his adoption.

Why do you feel the need to tell him at this point?

The more you will show and mark a difference between adopted and biological children, the more he may think there <I>is </I>a difference.
The more you do not make or do not mark any difference between the four of them, the more all of them will integrate that there is, in fact, no difference what so ever. There is no need to hide it... but no need to to make a big declaration out of it either, I think.

Did he ask about it? Or does he get teased by the others?
IMO, it's time to tell him about it (without making a big deal of it) when he starts asking about it.

 

[GeekyOwl]

2 1/2 is way too young. There's no way he will comprehend anything of that complex nature.

I was adopted from birth. My older sister, who is 13 years older, was also adopted. I believe she was a little over 1 year old when my parents adopted her.

My sister was constantly explaining adoption to me and it took me a long time to really understand what it meant. To tell you the truth, I wish I would have never known. Even though my sister was adopted as well, I always felt different. My parents were always very loving towards me and there was nothing they ever did to make me feel like I didn't belong, but it was just something I felt knowing that I wasn't their biological daughter. Now that I'm older, I feel differently, but it's very hard to understand when you are young.

That's just my two cents. I'm sure not all people who were adopted feel the way I did.

 

[LucidKitty]

I agree with the other posters in that there is no need at this age. Wait until he is more emotionally mature to understand the concept.