how to tell....

[MrJenkins]

Hiya,

I just had a question on how best to introduce myself into my kids life.

I was there from 0-6months and then saw him once a month from 1.5-3.5 and then increased to 8 times a month from 3.5-4.5. During this time, we have never sat our kid down and told him I was his father.

When talking to my ex, she has insisted she wanted to wait to tell him because she didn't want to confuse and traumatize him. Well, I wanted to be a good co-parent and since I lived 4 hours away and only saw him once a month, I agreed we can wait until he is older before we tell him.(big mistake)

I relocated 15 mins away and have been seeing our son (at her house) for a year now 8 times a month. I brought up the point of telling him again as I want to prepare him to spending time with me outside of my exes house and wants me to take the lead.

I realized I should have just told him years ago, but I am dealing with this now.

 

[mom2many]

He should have known from the day he was born. I am a little confused but how could you never say "Come give dad a hug" or anything along those lines?

Okay but to answer you question, if you guys have a loving relationship. I can't possibly see how it would be a traumatizing thing for the child. I say just sit him down and talk to him.

 

[MrJenkins]

He should have known from the day he was born. I am a little confused but how could you never say "Come give dad a hug" or anything along those lines?

Okay but to answer you question, if you guys have a loving relationship. I can't possibly see how it would be a traumatizing thing for the child. I say just sit him down and talk to him.

while i agree with you 100%, it was mostly me being naive, young, and too stupid to ask for help from experienced people. basically, every single visit i ever had (since son was 1.5) has been at my exes supervision with her parents/friends/new bf. I believed her when she told me she thought that was the best way to transition. I believed her and wanted to work with her, so I went along with it. I felt too intimidated to do anything around my son with them around. it took me a while to man up and put my foot down

 

[Xero]

Oh my goodness, I am SO sorry that you are in this situation. Your ex should be ashamed of herself for ever wanting to keep that information from her son. And what a terrible thing to do to a person (you), keeping your own son from knowing who his father is just because she isn't with you anymore. How awful!!!! I can see how you were pressured into feeling like it had to be this way. And I truly am sorry for you.

Well I think it should be a pretty easy fix, as he is still young. Four? Five? Or so? Basically you just need to sit down and talk to him. Does he call anyone else dad? Or just no one? If it's no one, here is a good way to start. Ask him if he knows what a daddy is, do his friends have daddies, does he see daddies on TV. If he seems to recognize the concept, then just go on to tell him that YOU are HIS daddy!! And that you are sorry you didn't tell him before. And from now on, you would love for him to call you dad. Now, if he already calls someone dad (like the new BF, which I tend to disagree with, but what can be done) then you can explain to him the difference. Tell him that soandso is his dad because he lives with him and takes care of him, and that you are his dad because you helped make him before he was born.

Good luck and I hope it all goes over well!!

 

[MrJenkins]

he is still young, he is 5 so that is a plus. and he doesnt call anyone else dad. i asked my ex numerous times if he ask about me (as in who is my dad) but she said he never even brought this up before, which i find suspicious because he has mentioned mommies and daddies when watching tv.

i am just nervous cause i feel like our son is already cautious around me (probably cause he thinks im just some weirdo guy who visits every week) and i wanted an easy way to break it.

thanks for your help

 

[djash01]

I don't understand why you need to take permission. You are telling the truth....

 

[Questions]

You should have let him know who you are from the first day he was born.

If he doesn't dislike you, just talk to him about it. Since he has known you since he was little, how difficult can it be for him to accept the fact? Not like you weren't there.

 

[MrJenkins]

I don't understand why you need to take permission. You are telling the truth....

i am not sure what you mean by this. I don't need permission to tell him, I am trying to find the best way to tell him

 

[MrJenkins]

You should have let him know who you are from the first day he was born.

If he doesn't dislike you, just talk to him about it. Since he has known you since he was little, how difficult can it be for him to accept the fact? Not like you weren't there.

that is true, I guess I was looking for the best transition other than "hey, come here, im your dad" but i guess that works too..

 

[MomoJA]

I think at his age, and since he has known you all his life basically, you can just say something like, "Come give Daddy a hug." I'm not sure how much of a surprise it will be to him.

I definitely wouldn't let it go much longer.

 

[mom2many]

I think at his age, and since he has known you all his life basically, you can just say something like, "Come give Daddy a hug." I'm not sure how much of a surprise it will be to him.

I definitely wouldn't let it go much longer.

This is what I was thinking. This could be a great way to open the topic to him.

 

[alter ego]

id just drop "daddy' into the conversation "oh look a daddy bird and his baby. Just like you and me, a son and his daddy'

 

[Antoinette]

my Ex and i were seperated a few months before Alegra was even born (as many people here probably remember lol) but i never even considered not telling her that he was her father. since he doesn't live with us and only sees her a little bit I'm sure she doesn't yet understand fully what him being her dad means but she still calls me mummy and him daddy and this is just the way is is supposed to be..

even if he had done something really bad and wasn't allowed to see them/didn't want to see them i would still show Felix and Alegra pictures and say "look, thats daddy"

i can't believe you had contact with your son and his mother STILL didn't want him to know that you were his father