How would you tell your child?...

[MomoJA]

My daughter's teacher's husband has been battling pancreatic cancer. Her teacher decided a couple of months ago to stay home until December break and revisit her decision at that time.

My daughter has been say that Mr. D is getting better, but, of course, we know what pancreatic cancer means. I got a note in her folder last night saying that he had passed away the day before.

I know I will have to tell my daughter, but I hesitate for two reasons. One is that she was obsessing about adults dying before she even started school. I remember a friend of mine telling me that when your child asks you if you are going to die, you should not be honest or hedge the question. You should just say, I will be here as long as you need me. I agree with that, so that's what I've been telling her. She knows the children of this man, and she is smart enough to know that if he can die, so can I.

The other reason I hesitate is that I don't want her to be the child who "gossips" about it at school, and I'm afraid she might be the child who would "be the first" to tell her classmates. Her teacher is not there, so it's not about that. I just don't want that to be part of her personal resume that she remembers as she looks back on her childhood - that she was the one to share the news with her friends.

How would you break it to your child?

 

[amyk]

Hi,

I am wondering if somehow the counseling dept. at the school will get involved. I know that social workers and school psychologists are often on hand when a disaster hits or a child passes. I wonder if the school will have some sort of informal forums to break it to the youngsters without scaring them. I would inquire to this. Pancreatic cancer is scary to adults as well as kids! Probably the professionals should come up with ideas on how to break the news to kids (or provide counseling if needed if kids have a hard time dealing with the information).
Amy K, NJ

 

[bworthey]

Lots of issues here - if you don't tell her, you run the risk of her finding out from the other kids at school and not you. I think it'd be best she hear it from you, although I certainly understand your worries.

 

[momof3girls]

I would contact the school councilor and ask if there is going to be anyone on hand to help with the emotions the kids are going to have brought up by this. Possibly bring it up with the homeroom mom and see if it's possible for all the parents to tell their children the same night, so none of the children are "the ones to spill the news" Maybe even have your child write/ draw a note for their teacher.

 

[Ruben Padilla]

MomoJa, I know it's been a while since this happened, and as you know, children can grow so much in ten months. I'm wondering how she's doing and if you and she ever talk about this (and Mr. D)?

Thanks.

Ruben

 

[Ruben Padilla]

Oops. Sorry. I'm new to this forum, and thought that this happened last February. I now see that it's currently going on, and I accidentally mistook when you joined (in February) with your post date this month.

Still, how is it going?

 

[MomoJA]

Thank you for asking, Ruben. I actually decided to talk to her before she went to school that day. She seemed to accept that Mr. D. was dead, but she was devasted that Mrs. D. was not coming back to school immediately. Anyway, she hasn't brought it up again yet. I am sure it will come up again.

 

[djash01]

I would not tell about "death"...it is not a concept they understand anyway. Make it subtle, that he has gone away. Same consequence, different wordings.

 

[Questions]

Has she brought it up yet? From what I've seen, children don't understand death.

 

[FPN_Trey]

Fantastic questions. As a psychologist I highly recommend staying away from euphemisms. I do not recommend "she went away" or others like "he went to sleep" type statements. Explain in facts. Kids concrete thinking is very well developed and their abstract is not. So stick to facts.

So what is death? The stopping of the heart and brain functions. You can even mix in the stopping of breathing. Many of kiddo's I've worked with have developed fears of sleep and going away from well-intended parents trying to spare them.

Death is very much a part of every one of our lives and will be a reality for everyone. Most of our human fears of death originate from our fear to think about it. Allow kids to process death and ask you questions, but be ready for some difficult answers.

Summarized:

1.) Answer just their question. They will, as others have intuitively answered before me, ask when they are ready.

2.) Stick to the facts. No euphemisms. No allegorical explanations. What does the body do?