Husband says he will now consider adoption....

[St. Nobody]

I figure this has the potential into turning into a debate- albeit, I hope it's friendly- so I put it here.

My husband was previously uninterested in adoption, and since the mother can make the decision to abort by herself, but not the decision to adopt, I was backed into a corner.

Now, he says he'll consider it.

There are three things to consider in this picture, by my way of thinking; my and my husband's welfare, the future family if we decide to go with adoption, and most importantly the welfare of the child.

My husband says he would be okay as a single parent, okay with joint custody, and now is okay considering adoption. Overall, he's a relatively resilient person. He wants to be a top of the line auto mechanic and work for BMW. I believe he'll be able to achieve these dreams with either of the three potential options.

I myself would be okay co-parenting with my husband as a married couple, but to be honest in non-academic/work related areas, I'm easily overwhelmed, and frankly I don't do well alone. I have had overwhelmingly negative experiences with both my father and mother's significant others and would not likely remarry if left to parent the child on without my husband.

Being a single mom, while I understand it's doable, is something I find to be a dismal prospect. While people, when I express my concern, often cite others' successes to me, I think it's terribly naive to think that I will be able to live my life as I want to live my life. There will be little or no real familial support in the form of money or child care assistance. What I want to do is groom and train dogs (not trick training, working with high-octane personal protection dogs), finish my bachelor's, master's and doctorate degrees, start my own businesses and practice veterinary medicine. I would also like to get back into road management with punk bands, which I have done before but would require me to work long hours in an environment which is not conducive to raising a child.

If I have to, I am of course willing to sacrifice these dreams of mine for the sake of the child and in order to properly raise the child, but having worked so hard and at such great personal cost for so long and against great adversity...frankly, I'm afraid I will grow to resent the child. I'm afraid that even though I would never let the child know my feelings, I will carry around a hole in my heart for what I haven't been able to accomplish.

As to the child's welfare, which is really the most important issue of all, I have concerns either way.

If we parent together, while I will probably not be able to achieve all I have hoped to achieve, I will at least have a family, which will make a difference.

If we split, my husband is as adamant about not living in the Southeast as I am about living there. He wants to live in West Texas and it's my idea of hell on earth. If we split, I am moving back to Georgia and nailing my feet to the ground. The plan we have is to alternate who has the child with one of us keeping the child during the school year and the other having the child during the summer. My issues with this plan are that if I keep the child during the school year, it will be harder for me to go to college and I will be stuck being the 'bad guy' and keeping the child during the boring, drudgery months of the year and he'll get to have her for the fun times. Vice versa, I'm afraid the child will be an underachiever because my husband has a low value on education and because his family home schooled him (his father doesn't believe insects are animals), he has a poor education himself.

There's also the fact that, as a breastfeeding mom, I will have the child for the first six months and when time for the trade-off comes, she won't even know who he is. I know how hard it is for a child to be separated from their parents and the child will have to miss one of us or the other all year round.

I'm afraid of what the child will think about having been placed in an adoptive home, if we go that way. I'm also afraid, either with adoption or with split parenting, that the child will grow up without the values I would like to impart upon her. It's a trade-off, I suppose, but something that worries me.

Then there's the issue of the feelings a mother has after adopting out her child and the stigma associated with doing so. As a society, we applaud people who adopt but condemn mothers who don't keep their children. It won't be just me and my husband giving up the child, but our extended families as well. Not one of my friends has even understood why I'm apprehensive about having a child and they certainly don't understand my desire to consider adoption.

Mothers who choose not to raise their children themselves often feel deep regret and suffer psychological damage, which is often exacerbated by a lack of support or open condemnation from friends and family. People expect you to be happy when you find out you are pregnant, plain and simple, and I was devastated. Willing to step up to the plate, but devastated.

What are the community's thoughts about the pros and cons of adoption for the parents and for the child? Has anyone else considered this option? Does anyone here have an adopted child?

 

[xox.ilu.xox]

I am an adopted child, and i think it was the best thing my birth mother could have done for me. although she was also 17 and couldnt afford to feed me. but i have two loving parents that raised me from a baby, and loved me as their own. if its the best option for you, its a good road.

 

[bssage]

Maybe its just me and I don't mean to offend. But your post makes it sound like you planning a dysfunctional family.

You want to adopt with the man you think your going to divorce?

You are afraid being a single mother will interfere with you dreams of being a part of punk rock productions while pursuing a masters in veterinary science?

My suggestion is to put anything involving children on the back burner until you have a clearer idea of what you want or plan to do with your life.

 

[Xero]

I agree with bssage. You seem like you don't even know what you want to do (groomer, vet, punk rock band?? huh?? How old are you?), but its quite clear that none of that involves a baby. No child deserves to grow up with parents that don't want them, or that regret having them.

Some people are just too selfish to have kids. I know a few people like you. A very good friend of mine is like that, all she can think about is what she wants and how much a baby would get in the way of that. She didn't go through the trouble though, she just had an early abortion, the one with the pill. Its kind of sad, I'm rather against abortion, but I almost think it would have been more sad to see the child get thrown around. I can't really make a decision there.

Anyway, if you don't have enough room in your heart to give all your love to a child instead of yourself, then clearly adoption would be the best choice. Give her to a loving family that wants a child, and maybe can't have one themselves.

I was adopted as well, but I had already spent many many painful years with a mother that never let me forget what a mistake I was. And I did not know my father. I wouldn't wish that on any child. I wish I was adopted at a much younger age.

What confuses me, is that you are SO selfish, that not only do you not want a baby getting in the way of any of your plans, but you wont even let your husband have the baby by himself?? You don't need to worry about adoption, you need to let go of your pride and suck it up if you want to do the things you want to do, and let that child be raised by his/her father. You're worried about YOUR regret? What about his regret? You're forcing him to consider adoption by threatening him with abortion, and you're worried about what YOU'RE going to regret? If you don't want the baby, and you don't want your husband, then let the baby be raised by him and move on with your life. The answer is simple. He said he would do it, and if he wants to then he should be allowed to. The fact is that you want to go on with your life without the complications of a child. If your child gets adopted, or if the child lives with his/her father, then its not your problem or your right to worry about how the child is raised or educated, no offense.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean or offensive. You do what you think is right, I'm sure you have the best intentions to the extent that you know how. I'm just telling you what I think of what you're saying, how I percieve this. I think that everybody needs some kind of reality check right before they are about to have their first child, and it differs of course depending on their situation.

 

[Jeremy+3]

Basically I agree with Xero. When you chose to have sex, you chose to become a parent, everyone knows there is no such as thing as guaranteed contraception. I don't think you should ever raise a child if you think it would be dismal.

How can you feel like you are pushed in to a corner when you are not allowing your husband the chance to raise his son/daughter because it's something that you don't want to do.

If my wife had decided that she didn't want my child I would divorce her and raise our child, I wouldn't allow my wife to control my decision with her own selfishness either.

I also don't understand why you are calling your husband uneducated when you believe he will eventually become a top mechanic.

 

[St. Nobody]

My husband isn't the issue, it's his family. They have subjected both my husband and his nephew to horrific abuse, and the child would spend large amounts of unattended time with them. An adoptive family is NOT going to rub the child's face in a dirty diaper. My husband's father or mother or siblings don't have a problem with that. Of course charges could be pressed later, but once that's happened, it's happened.

It takes a VERY long time to become a veterinarian, and a dog groomer is a job that pays $600-2000 per week and is a dog-related way for me to make a living while going to vet school. So is dog training, which can be continued after becoming a veterinarian.

I see nothing wrong with wanting to expand my financial horizons and have found band management to be an extremely profitable venture, if somewhat time consuming.

This is exactly what I meant when I said that oftentimes, mothers who consider giving children up for adoption face nothing but condemnation and scorn from their peers. Like anyone, I love my unborn baby. Giving up the child would be a very hard decision. It's a matter of what's best for the child.

Jeremy + 3, I have been told by two different doctors that I'm incapable of conceiving, plus I was on birth control. That's as safe as you can get when you are married.

The insulting comments about age are inappropriate- being three years into a Bachelor's degree, I think it's safe to assume I'm at least 21, and I am in fact 23. I truly would expect better from a moderator.

And the truth is, if you want to talk about selfishness, I wanted an abortion. I am very, very pro-choice and my husband and I had a pre-nuptual agreement that in the event of pregnancy, which I was doing everything possible to prevent, I would get an abortion. I didn't, though, because my husband said he'd always be there for me and the baby, and I thought that even though it would be hard and not at all what I wanted for my life, I would be able to live a happy life and <I>provide a good life for the child</I> with my husband...and then he decided to leave me.

It's not selfish to want things for your own life. What would be selfish would be keeping a child for purely emotional reasons, rather than logical ones- such as the fact that a pre-screened family which has been searching for a child and can provide a stable environment and a bright future for the child.

Did no one read the concerns I had for the child's future, or are you hung up on the fact that I have hopes and dreams that I cannot reasonably fulfill as a single mother and this fact <I><U>makes me sad?</U></I>

Unlike most women, I didn't plan my life around having a child. I didn't daydream about it. I didn't look forward to it. I was happy when I found out I would very likely never, ever be able to conceive a child. However, now that that's happened, I stand prepared to do whatever is necessary to ensure the good life of that child, whether that means keeping it at whatever cost or giving it to a more appropriate home.

I don't understand a society that condemns abortion and lauds adoption as 'the loving option'- but mistreats women who choose to take the 'loving' option.

Bssage, you couldn't have it more wrong. I'm PREGNANT and I want to consider my options concerning GIVING my child up for adoption.

You're forcing him to consider adoption by threatening him with abortion, and you're worried about what YOU'RE going to regret? If you don't want the baby, and you don't want your husband, then let the baby be raised by him and move on with your life.

My husband isn't exactly a saint. He got me pregnant, talked me out of our previously agreed-upon abortion, convinced me to leave Georgia (which meant dropping out of the last year of my bachelor's degree, not to mention my friends, family, home and all of what little else I had), moved me to Texas, and decided to divorce me. He's proven himself unreliable more than once. It's not that I don't want him, he doesn't want me.

You know, my parents kept me, and I had a decent early childhood, but I have had a pretty hard time since then and I can hardly be excused for wanting a better life for my child than what I've had myself. Whether it gets that from my husband and myself or from an appropriate adoptive family, it is NOT going to have the struggles I've had. I don't see where that's so selfish.

 

[St. Nobody]

Coming back to this again, I have not threatened my husband with abortion. Being fifteen weeks pregnant, I wouldn't consider abortion at this stage, anyway.

I don't understand the belittling of my dreams, either. Honestly, I don't understand this reaction at all. I was hoping for a well thought-out, thought provoking discussion, not condemnation and judgment for struggling with something I, for one, consider a very important and difficult decision that will be ultimately made for the good of my child, not the good of myself.

 

[Jeremy+3]

He didn't get you pregnant, you both got pregnant, the only way someone can get you pregnant without your consent is to rape you, he didn't talk you out of having an abortion, you considered what he said and then chose not to have one.

We have fostered many child, a significant number who were abused by their adoptive families.

Using contraception is not the safest way to avoid pregnancy, don't be so stupid, the only safe way to stop pregnancy is occurring is to not have sex. Which you clearly knew as you have abortions planned for the future!

No one is condemning you for considering abortion, don't use the 'I'm the little victim' act, we are not agreeing with your stance that you you feel like the victim because the father of the child actually has a say in whether he/she is adopted and because you portray that your child is a curse.

Unless you work for an extremely exclusive salon, you will never make $2000 a week grooming dogs, get real.

You see nothing wrong with wanting a job, yeah, that isn't wrong, but it is when you are not willing to compromise so you just want to get the kid out of the way to have an easy ride.

 

[St. Nobody]

Using contraception is not the safest way to avoid pregnancy, don't be so stupid, the only safe way to stop pregnancy is occurring is to not have sex. Which you clearly knew as you have abortions planned for the future!


I am NOT stupid. Name-calling is the last resort of those who do not have a valid point to make. I do not have abortions planned for the future, and I have never planned to have one unless the other precautions I had in place failed, which they did. Under the circumstances, I considered my options as they were presented to me at the time- live with my husband and raise a child, or abort the child and live by myself. This also involved sacrifice, but sacrifice is necessary in life and I believed that one to be in the best interest of myself, my husband and my child. The options with which I am currently presented- give the child to my husband and his abusive family to raise, co-parent as divorced parents swapping off at six-month intervals, or placing the child for adoption- are less pleasant, and none of them are going to result with me being pleased, I simply have to choose the least of the evils.

No one is condemning you for considering abortion, don't use the 'I'm the little victim' act, we are not agreeing with your stance that you you feel like the victim because the father of the child actually has a say in whether he/she is adopted and because you portray that your child is a curse.

Disagreement is something I have no problem with. It's part of DEBATE. Debate is NOT personal attacks, which frankly is what I'm getting. A debate is when two people who disagree bring up valid points in support of their own stance or in difference of the point of another in an attempt to persuade another to see your point of view, if not agree with you. I don't have to have people agree with me, but in a community of other adults who I reasonably thought wpuld be able to engage in intelligent discourse, I expect respectful debate.

You see nothing wrong with wanting a job, yeah, that isn't wrong, but it is when you are not willing to compromise so you just want to get the kid out of the way to have an easy ride.

There is nothing easy about making the decision to place a child for adoption. I believe I have emphasized that the primary concern I have is for the welfare of the child.

I do have realistic expectations about the money I have the potential to make grooming dogs to get through college, and my low-ball figure was $600, which you chose to ignore and then make a personal slight against my intelligence. I want to work in a variety of fields, but if that doesn't work out because I have a child to care for, so be it. I don't want a job, I want a career- a professional career as a veterinarian, toward which I have been working since before high school. Anyone can be a single parent and have a job, but being a single parent with a career in veterinary medicine when you're not even finished with your bachelor's degree, while probably possible, is more or less a pipe dream when looked at through the clear lenses of reality. Whether you believe it's a significant sacrifice or not is irrelevant as it's my life and I believe it's a significant sacrifice.

I'm not a victim, and least of all the victim of people on an online forum. I'm disappointed in the reaction I've received, but again, it's because I was expecting a discussion, not an attack- not because I expected everyone to agree with me. The nature of controversy is that people disagree. I expect controversy, not playground-style name-calling.

 

[kassierossiter]

a debate you say? i will do my best...

here is what i see...
(and opinions from my own experiences)

first of all... i personally believe that a prenuptual agreement is bologna.... if 2 people truely love each other they dont need an agreement saying that they win a particular fight far in advance of the fight actually happening... in this case the whole abortion issue

second i am a firm believer in if you make a child then you raise that child unless the situation is very dire. in my opinion.... (now keep in mind this is my opinion....) abortion is only an option for victims of rape... i am very pro life with certian exceptions such as rape or carring the child will endanger the life of the mother...

now for adoption... personal goals are not reasons to pass a child off.

i do not know the statistics but i do know that many many children are placed up for adoption that good "selective" families do not WANT.... thats right... they do not want the children... on top of that many more children are placed for adoption every day than are adopted out to loving families... unwanted babies and children are over produced and the demand is not that high...

regardless of what a person thinks when they have sex.... -in this case thinking you are incapable of getting pregnant- is no exscuse as to it happening...

many many people have their children (planned and wanted or not) and ALSO fullfill their career dreams.

myself as a mother to 5 kids am currently working for a company from my home, going to school myself, raising all of these kids, one of which takes much more time and attention due to his disability, keeping up with the house work and living a life for myself ALL at the SAME time... you just have to WANT to do it...

each of my children (except for the last one) was entirely unplanned and when i found out i was prego i was mortified... what was i going to do? there go my dreams down the toilet... and then i held my baby in my arms and the rest of the world went away... i would live in a cardboard box and eat out of the trash can for the rest of my life if that is what it took to take care of my kids...

unless you physically cannot care for them to An extreme or financially cannot care for them.... now let me clarify what i mean by financially... cannot provide them shelter, clothing, schooling, and food... this does not mean the child needs to be wearing baby gap and eating lobster and going to private school.... i mean if you cant provide clothing even if it has to come from good friggin will and you cant buy anything more than ramen noodles then MAYBE not keeping you baby is the right choice... but i have to tell you... if i personally gave my kids away when we shopped at good will and ate ramen noodles then i would be a miserable lonely woman today...

EVERYBODY goes through hard times... we have to struggle and fight to get through them and come out on top.... the question to ask yourself is this...

"what makes going through the hard times worth it???"

my answer.... "the love of my child"

 

[St. Nobody]

Thank you, kassierossiter.

That's definitely some food for thought. Is your stance- honest question, not being snarky- about keeping the child and not placing it for adoption due to concern for sad feelings from the child, from the parent, or both? (For example, a child feeling abandoned, the parents feeling ashamed for having placed the children, or both? Or neither?)

As to unwanted children available for adoption, I have already spoken with three adoption agencies. I don't think I'd have a problem placing the child with a family, but there is a question to whether I would be able to place the child with a family that meets my expectations.

I hadn't really thought about it in terms of personal goals versus child-rearing. When I look about it like that, it does shed a somewhat different light on it. However, there is the genuine concern that I won't be able to support the child during my time to have it. I think a large part of my past financial struggles has been due to trying to balance college with working, but there have been plenty of times when I haven't had food for myself- or other necessities.

I guess a big part of it is I want to offer this child more than survival. Not baby-gap or anything like that, but I do want the child to have a better life than I have. I want the kid to have good clothes in which to attend school, to be able to participate in extracurricular activities, and most importantly be able to attend college without going into debt or having to work to the point of wanting to give up just to go. As I've said in another debate, I really think that sending a child to college is a responsibility of someone who wishes to raise the child.

I don't know what to do. I really am afraid that I won't be able to provide an adequate life for the baby. I'm afraid the love I have for my child and vice versa won't be enough to compensate for that which I can't provide. I do believe strongly in love and the power of love, but I don't think love is enough to make a home for a child.

 

[mom2many]

Here is my opinion and I am actauly not on the same page as most here....

I think all of your concerns are valid, and that you would be foolish if you didn't take them all into consideration. The best thing for a baby/child is to understand your limitations and what your capabilities are going to be as it's parent.

I believe that any parent who doesn't take these things into consideration is being neive and irresponsible.

Now here is a personal story, my sister has one child that she placed for adoption and she has a great relationship with the adoptive parents and the child (although she doesn't see them all that often) it was the right choice for her at the time.

I am also the oldest of 4 (technically 5) I have a sister 31, a sister 19 and a 16 year old brother.......but there is also a 14 year old brother who my mom placed for adoption. Almost everyone of your concerns are concerns she had and at the end of the day she felt that the baby would be better off with a family that could provide for him in ways she couldn't, and also so she could provide for the children she already had. I was a grown woman with children of my own when she made that choice and at first I was pissed, I believed that if you make children you raise them (mind you she was told she couldn't have kids after my sister (31) was born) but as I have aged and gotten older I have learned that she did do the right thing, even if it wasn't what I agreed with at first. Who am I to tell someone they <I>have</I> to raise a child they may not be ready to raise and who am I to tell them that there choices were wrong.

 

[St. Nobody]

Do you mind if I ask how your mom and sister recovered from placing the children?

In most states, an open adoption isn't legally enforceable, and i'm glad to hear your sister has a good relationship with both the family and the child. My husband and I have discussed it and he wants to have an open adoption for his part, but I'm not sure whether I would prefer open or closed.

I have found two families so far that he and I are considering, very lovely families. One is a childless family- the mom 'can't have' children for the same reason I was told I couldn't- and the other family has an adopted child from China and one from Kazakhstan. Both families are professionals with stable lives and relationships and the absolute truth is that unless a miracle happens, they will be better able than I to provide for the child, particularly at first.

One minute, I think it would be better for everyone to parent the child, and the next, I think it would be better to let someone else do it. I do NOT think of adopting a child out as giving a childless couple the gift of a child but as giving the child the gift of better parents. One minute, I think, I made it work with Genevieve and Lawrence (my siblings, whom my parents left with me when I turned eighteen) and I can make it work with this child!

Then, I remember giving up going to UGA mostly because I needed to be there for those children, and I remember all the things that they (seven and nine years younger than me) haven't had. My brother lives with my dad again, but these children have had a hard road. I remember how they often didn't have what they needed and seldom had what they wanted, and while I did my best, it quite frankly wasn't good enough. The few nice things they were able to have and experience came from my dad in the form of gifts, not from me.

And I think about having to work outside the home, definitely for the first two years, and the hours I will have to work. I don't have family or friends to leave a child with, so that means daycare- a long time each day in daycare. That makes me sad for the child, it truly does. The other families won't have to put him/her in daycare. Those are crucial times for a child.

Then there's the problem of the joint custody. If I nurse a child and raise it for six months and then send it to my husband in Texas for six months, she won't know him. He'll be a stranger. When the child is sent back, will I be a stranger, too?

 

[kassierossiter]

Thank you, kassierossiter.

That's definitely some food for thought. Is your stance- honest question, not being snarky- about keeping the child and not placing it for adoption due to concern for sad feelings from the child, from the parent, or both? (For example, a child feeling abandoned, the parents feeling ashamed for having placed the children, or both? Or neither?)


the question is deffinitly honest... and i think the reason would be both the feelings of the child and the parents...

it also did what i hoped it would and gave you a little bit more to expound upon regarding your feelings and desires regarding the baby...

honestly before my post you spoke very little about what you truely wanted for teh child and much more about what you wanted for your life... i think that is where everyone had the impression you were being selfish...

parenting is not for everybody... i TRUELY believe the statement: "any man/woman can be a mother/father but it takes someone really special to be a mom/dad"

please do not take that the wrong way... it is not saying that each one of us is not special... i hope you can understand the meaning of the saying...

in my opinion... (as if that matters.. lol) as long as THE CHILDS best interests are the first and formost reason for the adoption then it is for the right reasons...

and who knows... maybe you could find a family who would be willing to do an open adoption so you could still share in some of the joys (and sorrows) that come with being a parent but still be rest assured the childs best interests are being taken care of???

theres an idea!

i know you will do what is meant to be done... i dont necessarily have A FAITH... but i do have SOME FAITH... and even though when my life gets crazy and i have issues i dont always see the light at the end of the tunnel... but its nice to know that everything happens for a reason and things will end up the way they are meant to end up... maybe for you... or your baby... or maybe for someone else silently reading this post... there is a purpose behind this....

stay strong and you can pm anytime if you want to....

kassie

 

[kassierossiter]

Here is my opinion and I am actauly not on the same page as most here....

I think all of your concerns are valid, and that you would be foolish if you didn't take them all into consideration. The best thing for a baby/child is to understand your limitations and what your capabilities are going to be as it's parent.

I believe that any parent who doesn't take these things into consideration is being neive and irresponsible.

Now here is a personal story, my sister has one child that she placed for adoption and she has a great relationship with the adoptive parents and the child (although she doesn't see them all that often) it was the right choice for her at the time.

I am also the oldest of 4 (technically 5) I have a sister 31, a sister 19 and a 16 year old brother.......but there is also a 14 year old brother who my mom placed for adoption. Almost everyone of your concerns are concerns she had and at the end of the day she felt that the baby would be better off with a family that could provide for him in ways she couldn't, and also so she could provide for the children she already had. I was a grown woman with children of my own when she made that choice and at first I was pissed, I believed that if you make children you raise them (mind you she was told she couldn't have kids after my sister (31) was born) but as I have aged and gotten older I have learned that she did do the right thing, even if it wasn't what I agreed with at first. Who am I to tell someone they <I>have</I> to raise a child they may not be ready to raise and who am I to tell them that there choices were wrong.

isnt it amazing how we grow? im still baffled by the things i used to think and how life experience can totally change that!

well said....

 

[mom2many]

Do you mind if I ask how your mom and sister recovered from placing the children?

It wasn't "easy" for them and I think it was harder for my mom, her's was also an open adoption and the family was really good about sending monthly/bi-monthly reports but it was to hard for her and when he was a year she asked that they only send a yearly one. Most years she get's one but sometimes she doesn't. We (us kids) know nothing about him other then where the family lived that adopted him, they do however have all of my information in case something were to happen to my mom he could find me.

My sister has done great with it, she was young and already had 2 kids she could barely support so she went into it with eye's wide open and was realistic about it. But I have to say she wasn't as attatched to the baby, once she decided on adoption she would always refer to the baby as "so and so's baby"....however she did get to pick the name from a list the adoptive parents liked. They, I think played a bigger part in her acceptance by not trying to push her out or make her feel less (not saying that's what happened in my mom's case). An example would be, when my sister went to the babies first b-day party they introduced her as the babies birth mom and everyone knew it, they didn't try to hide it. She always felt welcomed by them...any day...anytime.

 

[bssage]

I stated that I did not mean to offend. I think if you reread your op you can see how I (and others) could be confused.

I opologise.

With that in mind I dont think even with the information given I could assist you. Its simply not my place.

IMHO you have to go with your heart and head. What may work or make sense for me may not for you. I think you should be commended for using this forum as a sounding board to get your thoughts out of your head and into a place where you can clearly see them. Good Job.

This may sound sexist but IMHO I defer to the females of the forum.

Bottom line go with your heart and gut.

 

[Xero]

Holy crap, over react much? :err:

You should relax. Everyone is allowed an opinion, and you don't have to like it, I'm sorry if that's frustrating. I'm the same age as you, and I have a job, a husband with a job, a place to live, two paid off 2005 cars, health insurance that we pay for through DH's work, all my bills paid, and a beautiful 2 year old boy that has EVERYTHING he needs and ALMOST everything he wants, and I've NEVER had ONE OUNCE of help from my family. PERIOD. And my son was an accident, and I also don't have ONE OUNCE of regret. And I LOVE my family and I LOVE my life. I couldn't ask for anything more. If everything else in the world disappeared, as long as my family was still by my side I would be happy. I didn't get lucky, I didn't win the lottery, and no one gives me handouts. We work hard and we do the right thing. Its completely acheiveable.

I don't comdemn you for having hopes and dreams, I am only pointing out the selfishness in putting your hopes and dreams before everything (and at this point, everyone) else. That's the very definition of selfishness. Is that not what you're doing? And I didn't ever say anything was wrong with that. Just because its a word generally used in a negative way, you took it as an insult. Its just a part of who you are, your personality, your lifestyle. DH's step mother always said she was too selfish to have kids. And I always said, well, at least she is honest and considerate enough to realize that. I told you I did not mean it offensively, because I know some people just can not handle constructive criticism.

I know you're smart, and apparantly you know what you're doing, and somehow I missed the rule in the moderating handbook about not questioning the maturity of the forum members. So I apologize for that.

One thing though, you really shouldn't play the "everybody hates mom's who give their kids up for adoption" sob card because I'm sure you realize how silly that must look. I didn't say anything about you giving the kid up for adoption. I just thought that it was kind of sad that when your DH said no to adoption and in your words:

My husband was previously uninterested in adoption, and since the mother can make the decision to abort by herself, but not the decision to adopt, I was backed into a corner.

Now, he says he'll consider it.

You scared him into considering adoption because you were considering abortion because you were "backed into a corner". And you don't want to raise the baby together, and you don't want to raise the baby alone, and you don't want him to raise the baby alone even though hew wants to raise the baby alone? If you can't have the baby, neither can he? That doesn't seem odd to you at all? Instead of just letting him raise the baby? I don't want to hear about how weird his family is either, because he has a mind of his own and I'm sure he can think for himself without you there to make sure his family doesn't do anything unacceptable to your child. Even if his family has some problems, don't you think he could be a good parent and try to do what he believes is right? That's the only thing I find wrong with your adoption idea. So playing that card, its pointless. It doesn't apply to anything that anyone said to you. I said that adoption was a wonderful thing in the right situation, and that I was adopted myself. So what are you talking about?

If neither of you desired or were able to raise this baby (which I see highly unreasonable, considering I have no education outside of a high school diploma and my husband works in a factory and has an associates degree and I'm the same age as you and doing just fine) then obviously adoption is the right choice, and I'm all for it. I just wish people did it for better reasons. Like they absolutely could not, not just that the baby would get in the way of their life plans. Just my OPINION.

If you really think about it, I guess its selfish and its selfless at the same time. For you, its selfish because of the reasons you have. For the baby, its selfless because you're doing what will probably be best for him or her. Of course I realize that. But of course, since I didn't FOCUS on that in my post, you act victimized.

I wasn't picking on you, I'm sorry for sounding harsh, but if you can't handle an opinion that contradicts yours, the you shouldn't be asking for opinions in the first place.

 

[St. Nobody]

You scared him into considering adoption because you were considering abortion because you were "backed into a corner". And you don't want to raise the baby together, and you don't want to raise the baby alone, and you don't want him to raise the baby alone even though hew wants to raise the baby alone?

I did NOT in any way threaten to have the child aborted at all. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted an abortion. My husband promised that he would always be there for me and the baby, not just the baby. I put aside my wishes on the matter to compromise with him and agreed to carry the child to term, an agreement on which I have in no way tried to renege. You are misinterpreting me, which is understandable. That paragraph doesn't read clearly.

I think it's an oddity of US law that since Roe vs. Wade, I can get an abortion without his consent despite his protests, but I can't adopt a living child out without his consent.

I DO want to raise the child with him. I think that people miss the point that he <I>wants to divorce me</I>, but I desperately want to stay with him. He means more to me than anything, but I don't mean very much to him.

With all due respect, I'm better qualified than people who haven't spent the past two years in his more or less constant company to determine whether or not I think he's qualified to parent a child without me. I have reasons beyond the tiny tip of the ice berg of things I've shared- this is, after all, a public forum- and I could trust him to parent with me but not without me.

I congratulate you on being in a good place in life at my age, despite obstacles, and with a child, but the fact is that I'm not.

I got pregnant despite being told I wasn't able to AND being on the pill, made arrangements to get an abortion, agreed not to because my husband promised to take care of me and the baby, and my dilemma since finding out he wants a divorce has been how to parent the child. I'm backed into a corner because in 20 weeks, I'm going to have a child that is wanted when I'm not.

I have the difficult decision of deciding what's best for that child. Frankly, if i were the one being born, I'd want to go to the family that has almost 100% certitude of being able to care for me, not be shuffled back and forth between parents every six months and not being left in daycare 40 hours per week.

The question is whether I can find a way to provide that quality of life for the child, and finding a balance between the things I want the child to have, the things I know I can provide the child, the things I can provide the child if things go better than expected, and what things are things I'm willing to compromise on. For example, sending the child to daycare for two or three years while my husband and I fix it where I can stay home is acceptable, 100%, to me- but that's not what my husband wants. I hold out hope that he's just young and scared like me and will come around, but he won't even go to counseling (not that I've found a place we can afford yet), so I'd say that's a fool's hope- which is a shame, because my husband is the light of my life and I don't completely understand why he no longer wants to be married.

I can see where, since you thought I told my husband to consider adoption or I'd abort the baby, I would come across as worse than I am, but abortion hasn't been part of the picture since five weeks into the pregnancy. That was ten weeks ago, and was simply the course of action we'd decided upon before marriage, not a threat or a mind-game.

And, I'd like to say, since two weeks into the pregnancy I haven't missed a prenatal vitamin or calcium pill (I have weak bones, breaking 21 in 23 years) the whole time. Regardless of whether or not I parent this baby, it's going to have a GOOD life. It's got a GOOD start. I just want the good to continue.

And yes, the things I'll have to give up make me sad, but every parent has to make sacrifices, and I think that if people pretend that the sacrifices they've made don't make them even a little sad, they're...well, not like me. It's sad, but it's what I'm willing to do if I think I can give the child the quality of life I think she deserves. It's the idea of making the sacrifice and still raising a child for whom I cannot provide as I wish to that breaks my heart.

 

[mom2many]

I think it's an oddity of US law that since Roe vs. Wade, I can get an abortion without his consent despite his protests, but I can't adopt a living child out without his consent.

This is a law that I agree with, until the point the child is born it is your body and that gives you the right to decide what is going to happen with in your body.

Once a child is born it is no longer your child or your body it is "their" child and they have the right to make choices that concern the child.

I also raised 2 children when my husband left for another woman and it was not in my plans. I had a two month old and was pregnant when he choose to walk out of our lives. We are togather now but it was hard I will not lie but it made me strong and I have never regretted keeping them. It just meant my choices in life went down a different path.