I actually need help.....

[Cop2be]

Ok so I really need some actual advice, it's pretty serious in my opinion, I'm at a loss and pretty sad.

So we all know how bad things have been between me and my mom, I've always wanted her to like me for me, trust me and see that I am a good person.

It still hurts.

Today, within a twelve hour time span she managed to tell family that my boyfriend is a swindling lying manipulate dick who's going to try and sell the farm out from under us, not true and never going to happen.

Tell me that I am a moron with money and will blow the money for my move before I even leave. Regardless of the fact that I've been making it work on only about $800 a month. Majority she thinks ill blow on drugs... Regardless of the fact we get ours for free.

That I'm only moving to Tennessee to use and drain my grandmother.
Regardless of the fact that I've been pretty self sustaining and she is fully supported.

Seriously I cried so much tonight and then noticed my face and chest were beat red, so it was pretty bad.

There were various other lies, saying my grandmother said something she didn't.

Anywho, I can't keep doing this to myself, I either need to cut all contact or fix it but I don't know how.

I feel as if I don't even know my mom, like something strongly tells me to get to know her, which is going to be difficult moving so far across the country.

I'm just tired of the lies and the fighting, I can't keep dragging my self through the dirt.

I've found a great guy, we plan to get married have kids and this is the beginning of our life.

I can't take the lies, it's ripping me apart.

 

[cybele]

I can give you honest advice, but I doubt you are going to like it.

In short, I can only judge you off how you speak of yourself and how you act on here, which are conflicting. You say you are mature, self-sufficient, reliable, etc, however in the way you present yourself on here at least, you don't show any of those traits.

I don't doubt that there are issues between you and your mother, I know what that's like, I have far from a peachy relationship with mine, however I am probably the last person to give advice on how to deal with that, because I haven't dealt with it in the best manner, and I doubt I ever will.

What I can say is this, if your mother has legitimate reason to believe that you are not being responsible, and I dare say she has, then she has an absolute right to her opinion and as your mother, regardless of your age, has a right to be worried about your choices.
I have to be honest, if my daughter was throwing away a career she was aiming for in order to work in retail based on one single event where her partner was doing the wrong thing, was using drugs (regardless of how much or nothing she was paying for them) and was moving to the other side of the country with a partner who I barely knew with money from my mother, I would have the little red warning lights flashing in my head, because that is not typically stable behaviour, also I expect much more from her, but that is my expectations, I do not know what your mothers expectations are. But I can understand the warning signals being there.

In regards to what your grandmother said, ever played Chinese whispers? Don't hold it for more than it is worth. You need to let some things go and pick your battles.

This comes up often in your issues with your mother, have you actually sat down and spoken to her properly about these things?

Honestly, if I were you, I would be looking at my perception of myself vs how I portray myself, and work from there. As said to you before on here, you cannot change someone else, however you can change how someone perceives you. Of course, in the end, it is your life, if you want to move to another state, get married and have babies, that is your choice, but you cannot expect someone else, even if that someone else is your mother, to think it to be a good thing. She may be right, she may be wrong, but that is her thoughts and she is entitled to them.

 

[mom2many]

You need to grow a thicker skin. Honestly, if you are happy with where your life is and where you life is going then anything your mom says or does will not matter.

Everyone has an opinion. That doesn't make the opinion a fact, if you run for cover every time she says something negative you are, in her eye's, proving that she is right. It's really pretty simple, stop trying so damn hard to change her opinion of you. If you haven't figured out by now that your mom is beyond opinionated then what more can those around you do for you?

If you feel you need to break off ties with her for a while, do it. It's okay to take a break and re-evaluate things in your life, even if that is your own mother. However, only do it if your are strong enough to handle the negativity that will come your way.

I think you are at the point in your life where you need to find a counselor. Someone who will help you figure out what the next steps in your life are gonna be. Someone who doesn't know you or your mom from Adam. Someone who's only goal/purpose is to help you find some balance in your life. '

 

[Cop2be]

It's not my grandmothers money, he and I are paying for this move.

 

[bssage]

I know it feels like the situation is somehow unique to you. And that you could influence it by taking a stand or not.

What I don't think you understand is that is really not about you at all. Nor is it unique. Its about her thought processes and lack of mental stability.

I have wrote stories in the past about my mothers mom. There can be some parallel's drawn between the two. Your mom and hers. Even though you want this or that from your involvement with your mom. There really is nothing you can do. Its simply not there.

My advice is take the high road. Be polite and cordial. Dont argue or spend any amount of time highlighting her shortcomings. It is not in any way "Value added". People are not idiots. They can see for themselves when things are misrepresented. They really dont need you to explain. And the truth is: you can't explain it.

I know you look at it like your "taking a stand": or "not going to be pushed around" But that is not what it is. Your mom is a footnote to your life. She cant be the focus of it.

The last little bit of advice I have is something we use around her frequently with ex's and inlaws. And that is:

"YOU CANT FIGHT CRAZY" Its just not possible and will only make you look crazy. Its like trying to swim upriver.

 

[Cop2be]

I didn't give up a career to work retail, I was never a cop I decided to nt go that route but one day I do plan on leaving retail and getting into a career.
It's just pot and its legal where I live

And she's met him, hung out with him, talked to him etc
It's our money we are using to move.

And we're not moving there to get married and start popping out babies, were years away from kids.

I'm doing the right thing, I'm working, supporting myself, I don't go out.
Same thing you guys told me to do years ago, you told me it would be hard and that I wouldn't have money for extras and here I am, doing just that and I know one day ill be able to provide for a family and live life right, house kids and a good job.

 

[Xero]

Just make sure that the good job, the house, the marriage, and the stability and whatnot all come BEFORE kids. I can't say I did everything in that order myself lol, but I wish I had and I think everyone should.

Anyway on to the stuff bothering you. I agree with pretty much all that has been said. She's your mom, the stuff you do concerns her, and while she might exaggerate or even "lie" to an extent, accuse you of things that aren't true, all of it can LOOK true to her or others, and all of it can be assumed just by being worried or misunderstanding things. I just want to take a moment to point out that you are being put in the exact situation that you just recently put your brother in, I literally outlined this exact situation in that thread in one of my posts, but you I guess didn't expect it to happen to you. What goes around comes around, no offense.

Anyway, my bio mom is crazy and judgemental too, and I have learned to just ignore it. I just smile and say "okay mom", or "yes, I know", or whatever. Because it doesn't matter if I argue with her, she will never see it any way but hers, and for some reason it makes her feel better for me to bullshit her into believing I am actually listening to her/agreeing with her. She is a much nicer happier person to me anymore, and we get along so much better. I don't care what she says, and nothing offends me anymore. It doesn't matter, they are only words, and only her opinion. Doesn't affect me at all, she can't do anything, or change anything about me or my life. And getting offended does nothing but give her more ammo, and make me stressed out over nothing for days lol.

If you can't wisen up and learn to shrug it all off (not to mention keep your business private, it's so dumb that everyone in your family knows you're a pot head I mean honestly, how do you not expect backlash from that??), and just not care, then go ahead and take a break from her. It wouldn't hurt to have some peace from it all for a while so you can think on it, and maybe make her try to re-evaluate how she treats you (doubt that will change though, crazy people don't usually change), and then after however long you guys can hook back up and try again. Also if you move away, distance will probably help haha.

I'm pretty sure Cybele knows you were never a cop btw, but you aspired to be one, that was your die hard career choice, and you gave up on it based on one really stupid incident. And it doesn't matter that pot is legal there, my best friend is a complete and absolute alcoholic, and everyone is worried about her too.

Good luck.

 

[cybele]

Well then Cop2be if not one single thing you do to present yourself could possibly portray an image to your mother that you are not ready for this then, like me and everyone else has said, there is absolutely nothing you can do.

You can't change someone.
You can change how a person see's you, but apparently you are the one human being on earth who is flawless, therefore, you can do nothing.

 

[Cop2be]

You're right she's just crazy.

And three family members know, my mom, brother and grandmother.
My grandmother is totally cool with it as is my brother.

 

[singledad]

Mmmmm, typical cop2be thread. Starts off asking advice on how to handle a situation with your mom, then proceeds to repeat with every post how wrong your mom is and how unfair it is towards you, while ignoring all advice.

And yet you claim to be mature.

I'm not sure if it is worth bothering, but yeah - grow a thicker skin. If you know what she says is untrue, just let it go. You can't argue with crazy. Or cut her out. But know that cutting out your mother will put every other member of your family in the position of being forced to choose between you and her, and accept that some will choose her.

I cut contact with most of my family when I was about your age. It was the best thing to do for me, then, but there has been fallout. Huge fallout. And not just for me. Be sure you can handle that before you make that decision.

 

[torismom]

@ Singledad....well said! also, i love the quote at the bottom of your post!!

 

[Cop2be]

Mmmmm, typical cop2be thread. Starts off asking advice on how to handle a situation with your mom, then proceeds to repeat with every post how wrong your mom is and how unfair it is towards you, while ignoring all advice.

And yet you claim to be mature.

I'm not sure if it is worth bothering, but yeah - grow a thicker skin. If you know what she says is untrue, just let it go. You can't argue with crazy. Or cut her out. But know that cutting out your mother will put every other member of your family in the position of being forced to choose between you and her, and accept that some will choose her.

I cut contact with most of my family when I was about your age. It was the best thing to do for me, then, but there has been fallout. Huge fallout. And not just for me. Be sure you can handle that before you make that decision.

I feel as if getting to know her will brig is closer but at the same time I won't tolerate anymore lying.

Seriously, she doesn't need to accept me but she could at least cut the lying out.

 

[Xero]

Is she "lying" or "assuming"? I mean they are two totally different things, lying would be saying something that you know for a fact isn't true, and assuming would be actually thinking that something is or might be true so you are saying it based on that. Still not a good thing, but not as hateful or malicious as lying.

 

[Cop2be]

Is she "lying" or "assuming"? I mean they are two totally different things, lying would be saying something that you know for a fact isn't true, and assuming would be actually thinking that something is or might be true so you are saying it based on that. Still not a good thing, but not as hateful or malicious as lying.

She lied about me going home with a strange man from Waffle House. She didn't even bother texting me or asking me where I went....

She made up the story about DB trying to sell the farm out from under us.

She lies to my grandmother about me all the time.

I get calls from my grandmother telling me about stuff my mom said.
I'm getting sick of it.
Luckily my grandmother knows she is full of shit.

It's getting really old.

 

[Cop2be]

My mom knows me, she does she really does my mom knows I'd never go home with a stranger, she knows I don't do hard drugs, she knows that I live an extremely boring life yet for some reason she likes to make me out to be this out of control crazy person.

 

[singledad]

she could at least cut the lying out.

And how do you intend to accomplish that?

 

[Cop2be]

And how do you intend to accomplish that?

Don't know...
But soon enough she'll do it to herself and no one will believe her.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

You're going to move to another state? Hurry up. Distance has a positive influence on dysfunctional relationships.

 

[Cop2be]

You're going to move to another state? Hurry up. Distance has a positive influence on dysfunctional relationships.

I leave march 18th.
And DB and I are moving to Tennessee.
Starting a life together, a family in a few years.

 

[singledad]

Don't know...

Of course you don't.

You might find some tips all over most of your threads. But I guess those aren't the answers you want...