I am a nanny; please help me....

[VaxilRae]

Hello,
First, I would like to explain that I have been a in child care for roughly 8 years as a babysitter, nanny, summer camp counselor, and volunteer in schools. I have a variety of experiences and have served as a nanny for a few families. Currently I am having personal problems regarding the family I currently work with, and I would like it if someone could put my feelings toward my situation in perspective.
First off, this is not a case of abuse, neglect, problems with parenting, it’s about how I feel about my current job.
I have been working for a family for a family about 6 months with a 5 and 7 year old. When I first received offer for the job, I did not want to take it because I wanted to work in another field. I have found I have grown out of caring for children as a job and am looking for a new direction. However because of little job skills, I decided to take the job because of immediate money needs and I had nothing else available.
The previous families I worked for, I generally liked. The kids were great, one family I had major problems with the 11 year old, (she didn’t want a nanny so she was very rude, deceptive and manipulative to get me to leave. She would be as mean as possible to make me quit; in the end this situation was solved.) Of course I had my days, but over all, I enjoyed the work I did.
However, with this family, I have found myself detesting the job since I first started.
1.-Parents expect me to be a playmate.
I have no problems playing games with children, coloring with them, ect.) However the family expects me to be their playmate no matter where we are or what we do. Every moment I am not doing a chore I am expected to play on the jungle gym equipment at the park, play with them at ChuckECheese on all equipment, play every board game, talk with them endlessly, and be 100% focused on entertaining them. I completely understand that as a nanny, I am not just a supervisor; but the extent that their parents asked me be involved with them is overwhelming and tiring.
2.Kids talk. A lot. My 5 year old is always running her mouth, always asking questions, commenting on this or wanting me to look at or watch her do this. She requires constant neverending attention – will follow me to the bathroom and talk to me outside while I’m trying to pee, watch me brush my teeth ect.) My 7 year old is very similar in that her favorite activity is conversing with me. Again, I understand that kids talk, but it is overwhelming that the parents expect me to never be able to say “Guys, go play upstairs,” even for a few minutes. I am not given a break.
3.) Kids won’t play with anyone else except me. I take them to public places, and even when there are tons of kids around, they wont play with anyone else except me or their themselves. Whenever I just want to sit down and watch them, they ask me to play, and because this is the expectations of the parents, I have no choice.
4.) During the summer, they changed my schedule from 7 to 6 in the morning, and then whenever I arrive the Dad will lounge for 15-30 minutes and than get ready to work. I don’t understand why they expect me to be there so early when the dad doesn’t even leave right away.

With my previous families, I enjoyed playing with the kids, didn’t mind answering their questions as kids do like to ask, and over all enjoyed my job. I am very tired and overwhelmed by this families expectations of me. It might be simple for someone to reply “You don’t like kids anymore, go get another job.” Please understand I am already seeking employment else where, outside of the child care business and have been for awhile. I am posting hopefully to get some help understanding why I feel this way. I am not sure if its just me, or if the parents are really expecting to much of me.

I have never felt this way with previous families or any other time I’ve baby sat. Maybe its just that I've out grown that type of work?

I feel horribly guilty, and like a failure as a nanny – I do not understand why I feel this away or why I am so angry at them when the parents are just doing their job and the kids are just being kids. I am payed 10$ an hour.

I found this statement on another website and I feel it mimics my situation and my feelings entirely!
<I>
"... One thing you asked was about "playing with the kids and having fun all the time- I'm having that issue now. It's not healthy for a child to depend on someone to fill his every hour with fun. My older one- a 5 yr old boy- feels that is my role in his life and sometimes has a hard time when I tell him it's time for him to find something to do by himself. Children need to learn to use their imaginations and be resourceful. Just because you are paying a nanny doesn't mean her time is best used "entertaining" your child every minute. Don't feel "ripped off" if she is not busy with the kids every second. There are other lessons to be taught...."</I>

Could parents possibly give me any insight? Do you ever get annoyed at your kids and want them to leave you alone? What would you expect of your nanny compared to me if you had one? Please note I do take care of my kids - I do not treat them bad!

 

[cybele]

Honestly, I agree with you, I think issues #2 and #3 are the result of them living their lives with #1 (assuming that this isn't a new expectation of their parents and either a previous nanny, or the parents themselves held the same standard, I am going to bet on prior nanny though, because if the parents did it themselves they would understand how overwhelming that is).

Whilst playing with and talking to adults is great kids do need to learn how to play by themselves and with other children too.
By ages 5 and 7 they probably should know how to play with other children at the park, or with each other, or by themselves without an adult. yes sometimes adults join in, but you would be hard pressed to find a parent who doesn't say "Okay, I'm going to have a sit here now, you need to have a bit of a play alone, stay where I can see you and if you need me I am here" not only for our sanity but because they're not going to develop those social skills that they need to develop if we do all the socialising for them.

At home, even more so I believe. We can play anything under the sun with them, but lets face it, no adult has the imagination of a child and, for me, there is nothing more fascinating then listening in on a child's imagination play, give a kid some basic toys, dolls, animals, cars, blocks and so on, and the storylines they come up with are amazing, and they need that independent play for their creative development.

I would guess that the favourite activity being talking to you would have a lot to do with not knowing how to play independently, so when you are doing something else, like going to the bathroom, he thinks play time has ended.


#4, Eh, as long as they're paying you for that half an hour I would just forget about it.


I don't think you need to feel guilty or feel like you are a 'bad' nanny, I think the expectations are a little unreasonable and I don't think they really are in the best interests of the children if they have reached the ages that they are and are not encouraged to play independently. However, if the parents won't budge on the "You must always play with them" stance, I think you are stuck.

And to answer your other question, yes, I do get annoyed at my kids and want them to leave me alone from time to time. Even as teenagers there are times when I want them to leave me alone, and yeah, I do say to them "You know what? How about you get out the play dough" or "I think it's time for you to go and have a play with your toys" or "Do you have a book you can read right now?" or "How about you play outside for a bit?" or "Can't you go and ring your friend and chat her ear off about One Direction?". If I didn't I would go insane.

 

[IADad]

I agree 100% with Cybele.

One way to deal with this might be to put yourself forward as the expert. Here's where you will discover whether the parents respect you as a "partner in parenting," or "a paid playmate."

Can you talk to them about the children's good - that they need to be developing better social skills and that they need to have time to be encouraged to learn and explore independently? It might work, it's worth a try and bottom line itt's the right thing for the kids. If the parents view this as you simply wishing to lighten your work load then you have two options - find another family or suck it up and deal with it.

as for the hours - it seems like you've missed the opportunity - if you didn't want to come an hour earlier, you could have negotiated the value of changing your hours, but now, you've agreed to do it. So, for your own well being, I think you need to let go of this one and be happy.

It does seem from what you write that you really are ready for a new challenge in another field. I'd start spending some time, figuring out what you want to do next and acquiring the skills to get it, whether that's night classes, online, or whatever. I think you need to prepare for a change.

 

[akmom]

It sounds like the parents are conditioning their children to be spoiled. I do think it would be a good idea to propose a schedule with the parents, where you have some downtime. This could be reading a story for the 7-year-old, and coloring a picture for the 5-year-old. But they should be doing some activity on their own, and then reporting to you at the end. You shouldn't be at their beck and call every moment of every activity.

They would still get the attention and feedback their parents want them to have, but it forces them to engage mentally in their activity, without the interruptions of attention-seeking. A 7-year-old should be able to tackle reading a page on their own, and be able to tell you about the story afterwards, without you actually listening to them read it or helping them with it. And a 5-year-old should be able to finish a picture without you watching the whole ordeal, or participating in color selection. Otherwise they are developing into "praise junkies" - people who have not learned to enjoy anything for what it is, and instead just use it as a means for getting attention

As an employee, you are also entitled to breaks. In most settings, that is 15 minutes every two-and-a-half hours. That is time when you should not be doing chores or playing with the kids, or actively responding to them at all - except emergencies. The only kids who require that level of attention are infants, and the going rate for infant care is much higher, not to mention they at least nap. You might look up the labor laws for childcare workers. I know many of the labor laws do apply.

Then just schedule a meeting with the parents, and tell them matter-of-factly that you are starting to get burnt out by the non-stop attention. Tell them that your expectations as a nanny were very different in other households, and that you'd like to propose some changes to make this arrangement continue to work for both of you. Mention some of the examples that are more light-hearted and relatable, like "I don't have the energy to do as many monkey-bars as Sally, at my age, but I'd be happy to take them to park and watch them from the bench. It's such a good way for them to burn energy and meet friends." (If they seriously expect you to play on the equipment as long as children do, then they're ridiculous. There's no way they do that themselves!)

Instead of asking for "breaks" from the kids, phrase it by proposing activities that promote independence. Emphasize the value of that activity. Don't be afraid to cite your experiences as a nanny to make your case.

Some acceptable activities might be: watch a nature documentary for an hour, read or color alone, or if worse comes to worse, a treasure hunt is a favorite of mine. Basically you hide a series of notes around the house, and at the end there is some prize. The first note says, "Look behind the microwave," and then behind the microwave is the next note, etc. As they get older, you can turn them into riddles ("You won't find 13 on my face" as a hint for clock, for example). I did that for hours when I babysat as a teen!

 

[babysitter]

What you described are typical things babysitters and nannies are expected to do; I've never had a job (and I've had many) for which I wasn't expected to do everything you described. I, however, being a babysitter, very infrequently work longer than eight hours a day. Nannies typically work longer hours than babysitters. Live-in nannies essentially work every hour of every day. Perhaps you are not cut out to be a nanny. I, most definitely, would not work more hours than I do. I recommend you go for a babysitter or day care worker position next time. If you like it, it was probably the long hours getting you down. If you don't, you should search your feelings, weigh your options, and ask yourself whether it is worthwhile to continue working in child care.

 

[lolly jone]

i think you should be used to that since you have been in a daycare! all kids talk a lot and all parents ask for more from the nannies!
all kids, though, can be made busy in way or another. you just need to figure it out

 

[cybele]

She didn't say she worked in a daycare?

If my child were in a daycare where they were not encouraged to have independent play I would be sending them to a different one.

Babysitter, she already said she is looking for new work, but babysitters and nannies are two completely different job descriptions. A babysitter is to mind your child for a period of time, a nanny is full-time or part-time childcare on a frequent basis. In this case I presume full-time based on the 7-6 (am 11 hour shift). She is primarily responsible for the children's development during these hours which is pretty much their entire waking day (with the exception of the 7yr old when he is in school I assume?) so it is a completely different kettle of fish.

 

[IADad]

agree cybele, but to clarify my understanding wasn't that she's watching kids 11 hours, I read that her starting hour was changed from 7 am to 6 am...dunno, could be either one. I really hope it's not the 11 hours.

 

[cybele]

Ahh, could be.

Wouldn't be abnormal though. A friend of mine is a nanny and she works 8am-9pm every day.

 

[IADad]

Ahh, could be.

Wouldn't be abnormal though. A friend of mine is a nanny and she works 8am-9pm every day.

wow, when do the parents have time with those kids? I mean my wife works some pretty scary hours, but she's not away from them every day and I'm there, so the most they spend is maybe 7-8 hours away from one of us.those 3 or 4 hours are huge to me.

 

[cybele]

From what I gather they don't exactly want to. I do know that the parents eat out every night.

 

[akmom]

I also read it to mean that they changed her hours so her day begins at 6 a.m. instead of 7 a.m. We have no idea when her day ends, but presumably some time after 5:00, when most people get off work. It sounds like she has both kids all day, because it is summer (vacation from school). Both kids would be in school when it starts again, if they are 5 and 7. Which should be any day now, if she's in the U.S. Perhaps she should just hold out then?

 

[babysitter]

Babysitter, she already said she is looking for new work, but babysitters and nannies are two completely different job descriptions. A babysitter is to mind your child for a period of time, a nanny is full-time or part-time childcare on a frequent basis. In this case I presume full-time based on the 7-6 (am 11 hour shift). She is primarily responsible for the children's development during these hours which is pretty much their entire waking day (with the exception of the 7yr old when he is in school I assume?) so it is a completely different kettle of fish.

I know she said she's looking for work; I said nothing to the contrary. Also, I suppose different regions differentiate between the titles <I>babysitter</I> and <I>non live-in</I> <I>nanny</I> differently. Where I am from, the terms are often used interchangeably. If the titles are differentiated, the difference is most often hours and rate of pay, with nannies generally having higher hours and a higher rate of pay. In most places, the responsibilities of babysitters and nannies do not differentiate the two jobs. (By the way, all child care providers are responsible for the development of the children they care for, whether they are looking after them for a day or a year.) Also, both jobs can be full-time or part-time, frequent or infrequent. If you check sites like Kijiji, you'll find that most regions define the titles how I have described. The vast majority of the time, if you see a nanny position being offered, the work-days will be the same frequency as a typical babysitting position, but better pay; in fact, I've seen seasonal positions with very infrequent work-days being advertised as nanny positions. The main reason parent(s)/guardian(s) will give the title <I>nanny</I> to a position with very infrequent work-days and/or few work-hours per day is because they want to attract a mature, experienced person and advertise that they are willing to pay such a person well. It should be noted, however, that positions with very infrequent work-days (e.g., on-call or holiday positions) will rarely be described as nanny positions. Your views on this matter are a little antiquated. While it would be nice if the definitions of the two titles would remain distinct (for instance, <I>nanny</I> meaning a household child care provider with special training and <I>babysitter</I> meaning a household child care provider that can, but often does not have special training), the reality of the matter is that their definitions are converging. When it comes to looking for jobs, one must keep one's head in the practical, not the ideal. Remember, language is ever-evolving, and if one does not keep up with it, one will be left behind.

 

[cybele]

Antiquated? Nice.

I can only know what is relevant to where I live, and I apologise for the assumption that it was a similar case internationally.
Here a nanny is required, by law, to have studied a minimum of a diploma in early childhood education.
A babysitter is anyone and has no legalities tied to their job title.
We do not use the terms interchangeably.

 

[akmom]

Cybele, I've never heard those convoluted delineations either. No idea what country/culture she represents in that post. In my circles, a babysitter watches children occasionally (and is usually a teen known to the family) and a nanny is an employee with a routine schedule. There are no educational requirements here, but a daycare provider (who watches children from more than one family, or serves families with federally subsidized childcare) must have a license to do so.

 

[cybele]

I was so tempted to say the teenager thing but didn't. But point is, same here.