Ok some of you may know that i am a musician for a living. This has caused much problems in my marriage. I have expressed DW trust issues on me being to restrain from infidelity. Well i have something that might threaten that trust. I have this i guess i would call stalker fan. She shows up to just about every show in the local area. She has approached me on many occasions wanting to hook up. Of course i tell her i am married show her the wedding band. This never seems to sink in with her. One show she came with my name carved into her chest fresh. Some how she found my home phone number and address. She has called several times and sent pictures of herself in the mail. I have filed a report but she uses a disposable cell phone when she calls and i only know her first name. The biggest problem is that DW thinks that i slept with this girl an thats why she is calling the house and mailing pictures. I did not and would swear on my children that i haven't. So currently we are seperated an it is killing me. Being away from my children when i am touring is hard enough but now i can't even come home to them. Any advice anyone?
I got a big problem my hands...
- Thread starter gregjohn1229
- Start date
Unfortunately, this can go with the territory of of being in the entertainment industry. I'm sure that your shows have security detail (right?)... I would make sure that security has her information, including a picture of her, and escort her out if she's seen at your shows. Also, push for a restraining order for harrasment, not just a report. Document EVERY time she does ANYTHING, every number she calls from, every time you see her or hear from her. You may need it if this turns legal.
As far as DW, I know that this has been going on with you two for quite a while... the trust issues I mean. All you can do is reassure her that nothing has happened to warrant this and hope she can believe in you.
I've said to you before and I'll say it again... it may be time to move to the studio bud. You may have to make a choice between your marraige and your career on the road... I know which one I'd choose.
As far as DW, I know that this has been going on with you two for quite a while... the trust issues I mean. All you can do is reassure her that nothing has happened to warrant this and hope she can believe in you.
I've said to you before and I'll say it again... it may be time to move to the studio bud. You may have to make a choice between your marraige and your career on the road... I know which one I'd choose.
you are probably right. I am now considering choosing studio work over touring. You may know that cds are not selling so the best way to make money as a musician is by touring. So i might have to completely change my career if i decide to quit touring.Dadu2004 said:
I agree...it all comes down to what's more important. Your music or your family? By you just being on this board, asking for help, I can tell it's your family.
About the studio thing, by brother is in a band, you make 0 from studio work, where your in a band or doing recordings for other people.
I think the DW needs to seek counseling and you also. It is very unhealthy to live with so much distrust and fear.
thank you all for the advice. I strongly agree with the counseling. DW is letting me come home tomorrow. Hopefully we can work things out. DW and the kids are the only family i know. they are my rock
I don't think you should have to make a choice. She needs to find trust in the relationship or she has no business being in it in the first place
though i agree with cthru--you shouldn't have to make a choice. i also agree with the suggestion for counseling. maybe her more than you. i think you've said before that she has some ?self esteem? issues or something. maybe some counceling would her to feel more secure in the situation. but make sure you go with her.
and yeah. get a restraining order and all that on this stalker gal.
and yeah. get a restraining order and all that on this stalker gal.
Well, first i agree with everyone that says you two need counceling.. because even if you quit being a musician all together, quite that life style and all, she still has trust issues and perhaps you even going to the grocery store alone will bother her. What is the reason she cannot go on tour with you? Thats where I would start first... if she wanted you as a husband.. she must have known this would happen one day, and she would have to have her kids be raised like this. Can you not bring her on tour with you? I think that would solve a lot of trust issues right there. Not to mention could be quite fun. More must have happened than this one stalker girl incident because I know that if my husband had a girl who kept showing up with his name carved in her chest I would be more paranoid she is going to murder him than want to sleep with him. Thats mainly why you two should go seek help because it lies much deeper. Did she ever get mad you left the toilet seat up? Its never JUST about the toilet seat.
sorry I missed this earlier.
I hope things will work out. Hopefully you being open with her, and even if you let her know you are willing to give up touring if that's what it takes, (but then there's the money side to be realisttic about) maybe her seeing you are willing to make that change, may open her up to accepting professional help.
It sounds like you have decided that it's your family, your kids first, it's just hard to give up a life you've known for so long. You can always work at other things and there ay be other opportunities to perform, so IF you give it up, it doesn't mean you are giving it up fully or forever.
I hope things will work out. Hopefully you being open with her, and even if you let her know you are willing to give up touring if that's what it takes, (but then there's the money side to be realisttic about) maybe her seeing you are willing to make that change, may open her up to accepting professional help.
It sounds like you have decided that it's your family, your kids first, it's just hard to give up a life you've known for so long. You can always work at other things and there ay be other opportunities to perform, so IF you give it up, it doesn't mean you are giving it up fully or forever.
I believe that moving to the studio is a great suggestion. I'm sure your kids would enjoy watching you work and your wife might even take a small part in your productions. She obviously values your abilities or she wouldn't have put up with your profession this long. Good luck.
i wish i could say more happened with the stalker girl because it would make more sense for DW to have these trust issues. But it didn't she claims that i am talking about her in my lyrics but i am talking about DW. So she thinks there is some kind of connection between us. This hass been going on for 6 months now but it blew up in the last 4 weeks when she started calling. DW found out about how long it had been going on and flipped out.
To those of you that wonder why she isnt going on tour with me. Our DS is still having issues from being pre-mature. Plus DD daughter is in Dance Camp.
IT is frustrating for me because she never put me in this posistion to choose between her in pretty much the only thing that has keept me sane which is perorming. I am an introvert and performing is the one thing that i have found that i can express all the pain that i carry. I mean we got married with the understanding that my career was going to test the trust she had in me and she was fine with it then. I mean i already do studio work for people but really wouldn't want to be a studio musician. I am making more money now as a touring artist than i have ever done with a 9to5. Plus cd sales are way down so studios are reluctant to hire studio musicians so there might be long stretches with i don't have any work. i mean my music is getting some rotation on the local band show on dc101 so i mean things are starting to look up.
So i guees i am going to have the choose because she isn't answering the phone and i haven't seen or spoken to my kids in almost a week and it is killing me
To those of you that wonder why she isnt going on tour with me. Our DS is still having issues from being pre-mature. Plus DD daughter is in Dance Camp.
IT is frustrating for me because she never put me in this posistion to choose between her in pretty much the only thing that has keept me sane which is perorming. I am an introvert and performing is the one thing that i have found that i can express all the pain that i carry. I mean we got married with the understanding that my career was going to test the trust she had in me and she was fine with it then. I mean i already do studio work for people but really wouldn't want to be a studio musician. I am making more money now as a touring artist than i have ever done with a 9to5. Plus cd sales are way down so studios are reluctant to hire studio musicians so there might be long stretches with i don't have any work. i mean my music is getting some rotation on the local band show on dc101 so i mean things are starting to look up.
So i guees i am going to have the choose because she isn't answering the phone and i haven't seen or spoken to my kids in almost a week and it is killing me
yeah i am pissed man. i don't have a clue what to do if she isnt answering the phone.Dadu2004 said:
so, let me get this straight, DW was going to let you come home, but now isn't answering the phone? Are you our on tour? When can you just show up at home...
as for stalker girl. I can kinda see why Dw got miffed about it going on for 6 mo and not knowing anything about it, bit I can see why you didn't want to worry her unneccessarily, you probably thought you could ignore her and she'd go away. Have you talked with police, is there anything you can do there? I don't know that you want to get a restraining order, but a report should at least be filed with the police, to build the case in case soemthing more happens...and then can you text DW and let her know what you're doing involving the police, it might help re-assure her. If you're willing to talk about making changes she needs to consider talking with you. Her just locking you out isn't going to solve anything.
as for stalker girl. I can kinda see why Dw got miffed about it going on for 6 mo and not knowing anything about it, bit I can see why you didn't want to worry her unneccessarily, you probably thought you could ignore her and she'd go away. Have you talked with police, is there anything you can do there? I don't know that you want to get a restraining order, but a report should at least be filed with the police, to build the case in case soemthing more happens...and then can you text DW and let her know what you're doing involving the police, it might help re-assure her. If you're willing to talk about making changes she needs to consider talking with you. Her just locking you out isn't going to solve anything.
File for a restraining order, depending where you live, there might be some staker laws that will help you.
I will also recommend to involve your wife as much as you can in your entertaining world. Perhaps she can accompany you to your presentations, help you manage your carreer, etc.
I will also recommend to involve your wife as much as you can in your entertaining world. Perhaps she can accompany you to your presentations, help you manage your carreer, etc.
i am not on tour any longer. i cancelled some gigs so i am staying in a hotel room. i have a restraining order on the stalker girl. I have texted DW but she isnt answeringIADad said:
This is likely something you dont want to read.
Are you trying to force a round peg in a square hole. You have had issues with DW from before your first post. Sleeping on the couch, not trusting you ect. It sounds like she is preoccupied with making excuses it wont work and putting little effort to "making it work"
IMO you need to be protecting yourself from both the stalker and possibly DW. I have heard (I dont know) that if you move out it can be considered by the court as abondonment. Get some real legal and marital advise. I know many a friend who did not want the divorce, refused to accept it and did not even get the proper law council. This (in my experience) has always led to the Wife taking him to the bank along with crappy visatitation results. While I think the councling is a great it takes two people who "WANT" to make it work for it to be succesful. Just IMO. But you really need serious informed advise at this point. Your love is not enough. You have to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Sorry Brother.
PS I also dont think it would hurt for your DW to understand that you have put up with enough.
Are you trying to force a round peg in a square hole. You have had issues with DW from before your first post. Sleeping on the couch, not trusting you ect. It sounds like she is preoccupied with making excuses it wont work and putting little effort to "making it work"
IMO you need to be protecting yourself from both the stalker and possibly DW. I have heard (I dont know) that if you move out it can be considered by the court as abondonment. Get some real legal and marital advise. I know many a friend who did not want the divorce, refused to accept it and did not even get the proper law council. This (in my experience) has always led to the Wife taking him to the bank along with crappy visatitation results. While I think the councling is a great it takes two people who "WANT" to make it work for it to be succesful. Just IMO. But you really need serious informed advise at this point. Your love is not enough. You have to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Sorry Brother.
PS I also dont think it would hurt for your DW to understand that you have put up with enough.