I Need Help!!!...

[button611]

I am not really sure what to do, but I have been having problems with Bailey and her dad getting along from the beginning, but I still have problems! They cannot be left alone together-she starts screaming and crying and pushing him away. I really am at a loss as to what to do-as a result my husband now resents her somewhat because he just doesn't have the patience to deal with her fits. I understand his point completely-why hold her if she is just going to scream in his face and try and get back to Mommy as soon as possible, but I don't know what to do-she just turned 1 and I know it is probably a phase, but how can I make her understand he is not a bad guy and for him to understand not to take it personally?? As soon as she makes her way back to me-instant happiness and the tears stop! If I give her back to Daddy-instant tantrum-he has never done a thing to harm her so I don't understand her anger with him.

I am beginning to think that for my own sanity that I should start to see a shrink or something because otherwise I am not sure if I am a strong enough person to make this work. I LOVE my husband and I LOVE my daughter, but I am not sure if I could ever choose between the two, but we cannot go on living like we are with everyone mad at each other all the time. Someone please help me......

 

[Music-dad]

"I understand his point completely-why hold her if she is just going to scream in his face and try and get back to Mommy as soon as possible"

There's the problem...right there.

 

[.:Kalli Rae:.]

She needs you to show her that Dad is a good, fun, caring, loving guy. She doesn't know that right now. It may take some work but she will learn that if you work with her. IMO

 

[button611]

But what do I do then??? That is my question? If I leave her to figure it out he ends up mad at her and if I swoop in to save her then she got her way, there has got to be an easier way to get her to understand. I think the worst part of it all is the stress that it puts on our marriage. We were supposed to go away on a 3 day family vacation together, but I am afraid. I am thinking it may be best if I leave Bailey with a grandparent and just my husband and I go, so that we can have some "us time", but I was looking forawrd to taking our first family vacation.

 

[Music-dad]

I don't want to be rude, but I think "Dad", needs some professional help...seriously, how can anybody possibly get angry with a one year old for 1 minute of crying?, ,,,,,,,,totally beyond me.

C'mon...I'm not the only one thinkin' it.

 

[button611]

I agree that maybe dad could use some help-but her crying is not just a minute long-it can go on forever sometimes. I am just trying I guess, to figure out who is the bigger problem here-me, dad or baby. I am thinking that it may be me-since I have a tendency to eventually give her what she wants-I just want her to be happy, but maybe I am not the problem-I don't know.......... Anyway I am going to be looking into family therapy I think, if not for me only, it would be great if he would join but I think that is out of the question. I just don't want my husband wishing we had never even had a baby, whichi is the way he seems to be leaning lately-and I don't blame him for that.

 

[.:Kalli Rae:.]

I don't want to be rude, but I think "Dad", needs some professional help...seriously, how can anybody possibly get angry with a one year old for 1 minute of crying?, ,,,,,,,,totally beyond me.

C'mon...I'm not the only one thinkin' it.

Your right, Dad does need to deal with the impatience he has for the baby. Babies feed off of the emotions of the adults around them. There should be no reason he is getting so upset with her and resenting her....He needs to figure it out. It's not the baby's fault here....:no:

 

[.:Kalli Rae:.]

I just don't want my husband wishing we had never even had a baby, whichi is the way he seems to be leaning lately-and I don't blame him for that.

Wow...Really? You don't blame him for wishing you two had never had a baby? That should have been something you guys thought of before you had a baby. He sounds selfish and immature and you are taking his side against YOUR DAUGHTER? She is a baby!

I am going to walk away from this thread now.

 

[Music-dad]

<I>"I just don't want my husband wishing we had never even had a baby, whichi is the way he seems to be leaning lately-and I don't blame him for that."</I>

That makes me sad, I love my dd more than life itself...I thought everybody did.

 

[button611]

Everybody wait a minute here: I am not here for criticism on my parenting skills or my husbands! I came here for help and support. As far as my comment on I don't blame him-I didn't say I agreed with it, but you cannot blame someone for how they feel-it is their feelings and their choice. I LOVE my daughter more than life itself and cannot wait each morning for her to wake up and smile, but I also do the same for my husband and it is a very hard position to be in when one does not seem to like the other. We HAD discussed having children and that is why we did, and no we don't really resent having a baby, just the emotional stress it adds to a marriage. When you have a baby you expect life to be perfect from then on, and then it doesn't always turn out like that-IT'S FRUSTRATING!!!:arghh: I don't apprecitate you all assuming that I choose my husband over my daughter than that's what you get for assuming, I should not have to choose a side!! I was looking for advice on what I can do to make the two of them get along together, and help her understand that dad is a GREAT guy!! Thanks for all assuming I am a bad parent here and I will now walk away from this forum, and thanks for all your time.

 

[Trina]

{{{HUGS}}} This is totally normal. Tell your DH not to take it personally and to hang in there and keep bonding with the baby. It's a phase most babies experience, some more so than others. It's a combination of separation anxiety and preferring her primary caregiver. Yes, very frustrating, but a normal part of development.

Separation anxiety - BabyCenter

 

[Kaytee]

I agree with Trina, its just going to take time. If your husband can't be trusted with the baby, then, that is a totally different problem. otherwise, its time to leave Bailey with Daddy for a few hours while you go to a movie or something. He needs to learn to take care of her regardless how she is acting and Bailey will grow to trust dad

 

[ljmahr]

My smallest girl's screams whenever I leave or even go outside. It isn't that they do not love their daddy cuz when he comes home from work they hug and climb all over him.
Here is an idea you could try. When you all are just sitting around in the evenings watching tv or whatever. Sit next to your hubby with the baby and play with her and have hubby play with her. Play a game of tickle your daddy or something like that. Start off by holding her and then maybe eventually she will let daddy hold her while you sit next to her and then maybe one day you would be able to leave the room. Worth a shot right?

 

[Kaytee]

great advise

 

[button611]

Thank you guys for understanding and giving advice instead of criticism-I am going to try those ideas as well as call the pediatrician today and see what they say. It is not that I do not trust my husband with Bailey-he is GREAT with her, she just doesn't want anything to do with him. I will give all those ideas a shot-its worth it right?

 

[Mindy]

I agree that maybe dad could use some help-but her crying is not just a minute long-it can go on forever sometimes. I am just trying I guess, to figure out who is the bigger problem here-me, dad or baby. I am thinking that it may be me-since I have a tendency to eventually give her what she wants-I just want her to be happy, but maybe I am not the problem-I don't know.......... Anyway I am going to be looking into family therapy I think, if not for me only, it would be great if he would join but I think that is out of the question. I just don't want my husband wishing we had never even had a baby, whichi is the way he seems to be leaning lately-and I don't blame him for that.

Before I can help you with some advice, I need some more info if you don't mind?

1. You say babe is 1 year old and this has always been the way it is and you feel babe and your DH just need to get to know each other., so was he always like that with babe? Did he not hold her when she was really little? Did she still react the same way? If she freaked out when she was little, but he kept holding her and trying, she would get over it... Maybe I'm missing something, I just don't understand how she could be 1 and for this to still be an issue. A phase is possible but not if she's been like that since birth...

So is he just trying to hold her now that she's a bit older, cuz that might be the problem?

Also, you asked how to you do it. Does your DH not get down on the floor when she is playing? If he gets down to play with her like you do, she will see what a happy fun person he can be. If he never gets down to her level, she may not think she can trust someone who's never made an honest effort with her. He may be very busy, but a few minutes at nite could make all the difference in the world.

 

[Kaytee]

I should add that my dd is a momma girl!! Big time!! She could have cared less about daddy. Just now at 2 1/2 is she starting to want him over me sometimes. She is still a mommys girl, but now she will tell me things like "no I want daddy to come get me" or whatever. So I don't think its completely odd

 

[button611]

I am glad to know that there is hope out there that these two may get along. I also want to impress that it is not that they never get along-some days they are buds-but they are few and far between. Last night was a good night with her only throwing a fit as soon as she went to go kiss him goodnight, then she freaked out, but she was very tired and it was way past her bedtime. We will keep working on it and see what happens and thanks for all the suggestions.

 

[lily_angel_love]

Why not try having a play date at the park. Go as a family and take one of those rubber balls the bigger ones. Have baby stand by u and the daddy right across from you. First have daddy kick it to you softly on the ground then you kick it back. Then have daddy kick it to you and you hand the ball to baby and have her kick it to daddy, if she kicks it to daddy then have daddy kick it back to her step back a few feet and watch (i understand shes one and may not kick, so roll it. if its cold outside livingrooms work great.) When baby recieves the ball say "good girl now give it to daddy roll/kick the ball to daddy" when daddy gets the ball praise her tell her shes a good girl for playing with daddy. Keep telling her how much fun it is to play with daddy, and as long as everyone is smiling and having fun so will baby. and as much as you can keep scooting back, as much fun as it is to play with her you need to take yourself out of the equation.

 

[lily_angel_love]

I may not be mother of the year but i do thrive on my parenting skills. I am not here to critisize you but have one comment and also a suggestion for you. The one thing that stands out is when u said that she is waiting for mommy to come in and save her. If baby needed saved from daddy I dont think that you would be with him. So instead of looking at it like mommy needs to run in and save baby from her daddy think more of it as mommy is assisting with bondind father and daughters realationship. In moments where daddy and baby are having one of their moments walk in the room and see what is going on. Also make sure daddy is getting as much love as baby infront of the baby. Let baby know that it is ok to love daddy. Just as you pick her up for loves when she is in arms reach, hug daddy when he is. If you are walking out of the room and say love you baby girl, in the same breath say love you daddy. Its a little hard but also refer to him as daddy, not mike, steve, or bill... whatever his name may be. Also it doesnt seem like daddy and baby play together very much, but i am sure that mommy plays with baby alot which also makes the baby think mommy is more fun. So maybe you could try to play with them together. Get a ball like a 13' plastic ball and sit down in the living room with the baby and daddy. Roll the ball to daddy and have him roll it to you, then roll it back to daddy and again have him roll it to you, then give the ball to daddy and tell her, "roll the ball to daddy roll it to daddy baby, when she does say YAY BIG GIRL and clap and praise her. then have daddy roll the ball back to baby, their little attention spans arent very long but at one she could probably play for a good 10 minutes. Everytime she rolls the ball to daddy slowly scoot back so it takes you out of the equation and she realizes its just her and daddy playing. Also if you do this in the evening before bath and bed time her and daddy can both go to sleep without any resentment for the other, baby feels like mommy needs to save her from daddy and daddy feels like mommy is giving all her attention to the baby. Just as women feel like the husband puts to much effort into their work sometimes daddys feel like they arent getting any special time with their wives. Im not saying neglect the baby, both mommy and daddy need to love and cherish baby and mommy and baby need to love and cherish dadddy and daddy and baby need to love mommy. Your husband doesnt recent the child he just knows that once upon a time things were easier.. And we all have thought that. No one ever told us how hard parenting was going to be, they just told us how fun kids were, right? And kids are fun, they are the best. they are also time consuming, exhausting, and emotional. Even though they are we all know that we would never change that. No child is the same and no parent is the same, but through trial and error we can all have happy families. Thank you for you time.