Hey guys, I need your help. My name is Lyon, I'm 25 years old and I've made many mistakes over the last few years. Mistakes that are embedded deep within my heart and eat at me every second of every day. You see, 5 Years ago my daughter was born. Her name is Mei. My wife and I had wanted a child for a long time, and when we found out she was pregnant it was pure bliss. We were so excited to bask in the joy our child would bring us. A few months before she gave birth, she fell very ill. She had battled fevers throughout her life, nobody knew what caused them. She would get sick for months at a time. The doctors said the delivery might be dangerous and that we should consider abortion, but my wife maintained that she was fine and wanted to deliver Mei. My wife died minutes after giving birth. When my wife died, I completely succumbed to my depression. Before meeting her, I was a nobody. I had no goals, I was barely scraping by in school, and living on the street was a real possibility, but she motivated me and gave me a reason to live. When she passed, I went back to that state. I gave custody of Mei to her parents and turned to alcohol to help me deal with the depression.
For the last 5 years I had seen my daughter only a hand full of times. When I wasn't locked up in my house, I was working. I rarely saw her or did anything for that matter. I saw my mother in law last week at a restaurant and she recommended I go on a trip with her, her husband and Mei. She wouldn't stop pestering me about it, so I finally agreed to go. On Tuesday I arrived at their house and found a note along with two train tickets. She told me that her husband and her had something to do and said they'd meet us at our destination. I saw what they were trying to do. Mei and I waited a few hours to see if they'd come home, but they didn't and Mei wanted to go on the trip so we went without them.
The train ride was awkward. We hardly said anything. I felt terrible, how could I have alienated myself from my daughter? What a terrible father I am. Mei was to be the light of my world, but I threw it all away. She wasn't comfortable around me. She called me by my first name and our conversations had a horrible underlying tone. I wanted to make it up to her so badly, but I did not know how.
When we arrived in Kingston we stopped at a toy shop. She was bored the entire train ride and I promised I'd buy her a toy. She picked out a small turtle toy, and we headed out to a small grotto a few kilometres away. This was one of my wife's favourite places in the entire world, and it was here that I confessed my feelings to her. Mei also loved it, I carried her around on my shoulders and gave her a good tour of the place, telling her how her mother loved it. We spent some time admiring the scenery and had a picnic. She then went off to play with her new toy in a nearby flower patch.
I zoned out under a tree and Mei ran over to me looking rather down. She told me that she had lost her turtle toy. We spent at least an hour looking for it before I told her it was useless and promised to buy her another, but she wanted to find it. We looked a little longer before I told her that it was fine and I wouldn't be upset. She told me that's not why she wanted to find it. She said that she wanted to find it because it was special. It was the first one that daddy had bought her. That was the first time she had called me daddy, and I nearly lost it. I hugged her holding back the tears, and after some convincing she too agreed we should leave the turtle behind. We headed to our hotel.
I thought she'd be tired out, but no. She couldn't sleep. We spent the night talking about how much fun we had on the trip so far, but then she asked me something. She wanted me to tell her about her mother. It hit me like a hammer. I tried to talk to her about Christina, but I couldn't. I only got a few sentences out before I completely lost it. Christina wanted nothing more than to have a hand in Mei's life. We were supposed to live together, and have our happy ever after. When I wiped the tears from my eyes and face I noticed Mei was crying too. I saw Christina in her, and I knew that the one wish I had 5 years ago, was to live a happy life with those I loved. Though one of them was ripped from us, I was determined to make up for what I had lost. I apologized, told her it was okay to cry sometimes, and continued talking about Christina.
The way her face lit up when I told her how her mother made me feel and how amazing her mother was, was like nothing I had ever seen before. I finally had a taste of that happiness we had aspired to achieve some years ago. I had finally found the one person on this planet who could pull me out of this depression and make me truly happy. They were under my nose this entire time, and I had shun them from my life. Not wanting to face them, assuming they would only highlight the sadness I had felt over the years. How wrong I was.
The train ride home was a lot more eventful and pleasant, we really connected on that ride home. When I dropped her off at my mother in law's she told me that she had a lot of fun, wanted to do it again, said she loved me and gave me a kiss. The first time any of that has happened.
I've made a terrible mistake. I've thrown away 5 years of my life. I can only imagine what Christina would say if she saw how I had gone about these last 5 years. What a pathetic life I have been leading. I want to change that, though. I want my daughter to come live with me. I want to spend my days with her, raising her and telling her about her mother. How her mother inspired me to be a great person, and how she too had inspired me. How do I go about telling my mother in law?
I've spoken to my daughter about the idea, she said that she wanted to come live with me. Our house is big (It was supposed to house 3 people afterall) and I'm financially stable. I could easily support us both. I'm sure her grandparents would pick her up from kindergarten while I'm working. I just want to be back in my child's life. I had such a vision for us, but I threw it all away. It's disgusting. However, that same fire that Christina set in me so many years ago is burning yet again. I feel the same way I did when Christina motivated me to be the best I can be. Losing her was terrible, but I've been given a piece of her in the form of my daugther. I see Christina in her and I want to be a part of her life.
Christina, I'm sorry for how blind I have been. Mei is the result of something truly special, and the happiness I once felt can only be felt again when I am with her. How could I have been so cruel to the one I love the most?
I have tomorrow off work and will be spending the day with Mei. I don't want to rush anything, I think I should continue to see her consistently for a little while longer before I suggest this to my mother in law, but how should I go about suggesting it?
For the last 5 years I had seen my daughter only a hand full of times. When I wasn't locked up in my house, I was working. I rarely saw her or did anything for that matter. I saw my mother in law last week at a restaurant and she recommended I go on a trip with her, her husband and Mei. She wouldn't stop pestering me about it, so I finally agreed to go. On Tuesday I arrived at their house and found a note along with two train tickets. She told me that her husband and her had something to do and said they'd meet us at our destination. I saw what they were trying to do. Mei and I waited a few hours to see if they'd come home, but they didn't and Mei wanted to go on the trip so we went without them.
The train ride was awkward. We hardly said anything. I felt terrible, how could I have alienated myself from my daughter? What a terrible father I am. Mei was to be the light of my world, but I threw it all away. She wasn't comfortable around me. She called me by my first name and our conversations had a horrible underlying tone. I wanted to make it up to her so badly, but I did not know how.
When we arrived in Kingston we stopped at a toy shop. She was bored the entire train ride and I promised I'd buy her a toy. She picked out a small turtle toy, and we headed out to a small grotto a few kilometres away. This was one of my wife's favourite places in the entire world, and it was here that I confessed my feelings to her. Mei also loved it, I carried her around on my shoulders and gave her a good tour of the place, telling her how her mother loved it. We spent some time admiring the scenery and had a picnic. She then went off to play with her new toy in a nearby flower patch.
I zoned out under a tree and Mei ran over to me looking rather down. She told me that she had lost her turtle toy. We spent at least an hour looking for it before I told her it was useless and promised to buy her another, but she wanted to find it. We looked a little longer before I told her that it was fine and I wouldn't be upset. She told me that's not why she wanted to find it. She said that she wanted to find it because it was special. It was the first one that daddy had bought her. That was the first time she had called me daddy, and I nearly lost it. I hugged her holding back the tears, and after some convincing she too agreed we should leave the turtle behind. We headed to our hotel.
I thought she'd be tired out, but no. She couldn't sleep. We spent the night talking about how much fun we had on the trip so far, but then she asked me something. She wanted me to tell her about her mother. It hit me like a hammer. I tried to talk to her about Christina, but I couldn't. I only got a few sentences out before I completely lost it. Christina wanted nothing more than to have a hand in Mei's life. We were supposed to live together, and have our happy ever after. When I wiped the tears from my eyes and face I noticed Mei was crying too. I saw Christina in her, and I knew that the one wish I had 5 years ago, was to live a happy life with those I loved. Though one of them was ripped from us, I was determined to make up for what I had lost. I apologized, told her it was okay to cry sometimes, and continued talking about Christina.
The way her face lit up when I told her how her mother made me feel and how amazing her mother was, was like nothing I had ever seen before. I finally had a taste of that happiness we had aspired to achieve some years ago. I had finally found the one person on this planet who could pull me out of this depression and make me truly happy. They were under my nose this entire time, and I had shun them from my life. Not wanting to face them, assuming they would only highlight the sadness I had felt over the years. How wrong I was.
The train ride home was a lot more eventful and pleasant, we really connected on that ride home. When I dropped her off at my mother in law's she told me that she had a lot of fun, wanted to do it again, said she loved me and gave me a kiss. The first time any of that has happened.
I've made a terrible mistake. I've thrown away 5 years of my life. I can only imagine what Christina would say if she saw how I had gone about these last 5 years. What a pathetic life I have been leading. I want to change that, though. I want my daughter to come live with me. I want to spend my days with her, raising her and telling her about her mother. How her mother inspired me to be a great person, and how she too had inspired me. How do I go about telling my mother in law?
I've spoken to my daughter about the idea, she said that she wanted to come live with me. Our house is big (It was supposed to house 3 people afterall) and I'm financially stable. I could easily support us both. I'm sure her grandparents would pick her up from kindergarten while I'm working. I just want to be back in my child's life. I had such a vision for us, but I threw it all away. It's disgusting. However, that same fire that Christina set in me so many years ago is burning yet again. I feel the same way I did when Christina motivated me to be the best I can be. Losing her was terrible, but I've been given a piece of her in the form of my daugther. I see Christina in her and I want to be a part of her life.
Christina, I'm sorry for how blind I have been. Mei is the result of something truly special, and the happiness I once felt can only be felt again when I am with her. How could I have been so cruel to the one I love the most?
I have tomorrow off work and will be spending the day with Mei. I don't want to rush anything, I think I should continue to see her consistently for a little while longer before I suggest this to my mother in law, but how should I go about suggesting it?
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