I want to correct my mistakes...

[Stips]

Please don't assume they should just give her back.

I never said or implied this.

Please don't stop updating us! I would love to hear how things work out for you...

Well then here you go. I picked her up from school on Friday and finally got a chance to meet her teacher. Her teacher wasn't there the last time I picked her up. To my surprise, her teacher is actually an old friend of mine. It was nice to catch up with somebody. We stopped at my in-laws to pick up some clothes and a few toys for the weekend. While we were there my father in-law suggested we hang around a bit and play some baseball. During high school I was a baseball prospect, but in grade 10 I got in a fight with my dad and hurt my right shoulder which ended my competitve career, but Christina's dad always wanted to play. He'd go pretty easy, but it always great fun. He had been teaching Mei too. We played for a few hours, it was a lot of fun. We ended up staying for dinner and when we finally got home it was pretty late. We dozed off watching TV.

We went shopping yesterday and had a nice little adventure with cooking (I'm not a terrible cook, but Christina would do most of the cooking, so I definitely need some practice) After dinner something strange happened. I was reading Mei a story (She can read and all, but she wanted me to read it to her) and while I was reading, she started humming a song. It sounded very familiar, and after a while of listening I realized it was a song I wrote for Christina in senior year. Her parents must have sung it to Mei at some point, I asked her where she heard it and she said she didn't know. She said had known it for as long as she could remember.
I asked her if she wanted to know where it came from and I went and dusted off my guitar and played it for her. I explained to her how I had wrote this for Christina when we were going to school. She said she loved it and thought that mommy would love it too. Eventually night fell and after we washed up we prepared for bed. I could see something was bothering Mei, but as much as I asked her what it was, she wouldn't tell me.

I told her that if she ever had anything to say she could tell me, and that she might feel a lot better for it. It's not good to hold things in and I've always believed that talking is the most underrated aspect of any relationship. Talking can go a long way for a lot of people. Finally, she looks at me and asks me why I left her as a baby. This caught me totally off-guard. I don't know how long I stared at her before I answered, but it felt like forever. Finally I told her that it's very complicated and that I couldn't explain it right now. That answer didn't seem to satisfy her, so I kept talking. "Mei, I've been such a terrible daddy for a long time and I'm sorry for it." were along the lines of what I said. She told me that it was okay and hugged me. I asked her if it would be okay if we spent more time together, she said it would be and that she wanted to. She said she had fun on her visit. That put me at ease and for the first time in years I slept well.

I dropped her off at my in-laws about an hour ago. I feel kind of bad, I feel like I let emotions get in the way of a good visit again. Yet I wouldn't trade these last 2 days for anything. I didn't bring up the living situation, it didn't seem right to. I will soon, though. I'm going to see her again tomorrow after school for a few hours, I'm not sure what we'll do.

As for my father, I'm about to call him and see how things are. I want to make sure he's okay to see Mei and that it will be a positive experience.

Once again, thanks for all the advice and encouragement. I will stop updating now (Unless there's another request)


To everyone else, thank you for your continued help, advice and encouragement.

 

[singledad]

You can't change the past. but you have the future, and you have a great oppurtunity in front of you to heal. Your focusing on the negative, when you have so much. but You have a lot to lose. Your kid deserves a dad. it's a concept we struggle with because of our own conflictions that arent figured out yet. Not trying will be the biggest regret of your life 15 years down the road.

its hard, and u might not understand it all now, and your issues wont be solved. but if you make an effort to change them, in time you will be happy.

god only knows the shit ive done. and im still learning, every day i have to remind myself. I feel hypocritical giving u this advice, when i've had so much trouble listening to it myself. But i'm trying, I hope that you can come to that understanding one day to

^^^ That ^^^

Stips - it sounds like you had a good time with your daughter

After dinner something strange happened. I was reading Mei a story (She can read and all, but she wanted me to read it to her) and while I was reading, she started humming a song. It sounded very familiar, and after a while of listening I realized it was a song I wrote for Christina in senior year. Her parents must have sung it to Mei at some point, I asked her where she heard it and she said she didn't know. She said had known it for as long as she could remember.
I asked her if she wanted to know where it came from and I went and dusted off my guitar and played it for her. I explained to her how I had wrote this for Christina when we were going to school. She said she loved it and thought that mommy would love it too.

That just took my breath away. Its so amazing to think that somehow your daughter has this connection to the mother she never knew. Did you sing it to her while she was pregnant perhaps?

Finally, she looks at me and asks me why I left her as a baby. This caught me totally off-guard. I don't know how long I stared at her before I answered, but it felt like forever. Finally I told her that it's very complicated and that I couldn't explain it right now. That answer didn't seem to satisfy her, so I kept talking. "Mei, I've been such a terrible daddy for a long time and I'm sorry for it." were along the lines of what I said. She told me that it was okay and hugged me.

This is a question that had to come up sooner or later. And it will probably come up again. If I were you, I'd sit down and try to formulate an age-appropriate answer to have ready when it comes up again. Something that emphasises that you love her, regardless, but that you just had a hard time dealing with loosing her mother.

As for my father, I'm about to call him and see how things are. I want to make sure he's okay to see Mei and that it will be a positive experience.

That sounds like a good start.

And please don't think we mind you updating us - we're here to help and support each other. I've used this place to vent many, many times in the past, and I've received some amazing support and advice in return. Hang around - we'd love to help. And who knows, maybe one day you'd be able to help us in return

 

[Stips]

I know this thread is dead and I do not mean to necro it, but I was told to update when necessary. Mei moved in with me on March 15th. This was with total consent from my parents in law and Mei. Things had been going well until three days ago. Mei has started getting fevers, she's been very sick since Tuesday. It's the same thing that Christina had and doctors are very worried. Christina nearly died from this illness as a child and doctors regard her living through them for as long as she did as a miracle. My hopes are high and I am optimistic, but it is hard to maintain happiness. I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost my daughter after all this lost time. I've taken time off from work and will be spending all my time with her, I have a lot of money saved up and can afford to do this for quite some time. I'll take as long as I need. Once again, I do not mean to necro, I just ask that you keep us in your thoughts.

 

[nwcrazy]

Mei has started getting fevers, she's been very sick since Tuesday. It's the same thing that Christina had and doctors are very worried. Christina nearly died from this illness as a child and doctors regard her living through them for as long as she did as a miracle.

This got to me. I can only say, "follow the doctor's instructions exactly and continue to show a lot of love for your little girl". Thoughts of your daughter's health and recovery will be on my mind.

 

[JunMaeda]

Hello Lyon my name is Jun and i just wanted to tell you that your story touched my heart. i am also stationed in kyoto writing for the visual novel and animation producer key. i will not be in kyoto for long as i have to return to osaka soon but i would love to meet with you. i am currently working on the story for a soon to be animation and i would love to learn more about your story. your story is very touching and i would like to share it with the world but only if you permit. i see how this could be a very sensitive topic and if you do not want to speak on it that is ok but if you are interested in this proposition please get back to me. this is not about money i am willing to lose money on this endeavour. i just want to share your story.

 

[Mama4ever]

Hi Stips,
I admire your desire to be the best father you can be.
Consider what is best for your daughter.
She's been raised by her grandparents - & I imagine she bonded with them. Try to keep that bond going - for her best interest.

Have doctors done blood tests to figure out the cause of fevers?
Allergies? Infection? Usually fevers are the body's way of taking care of some type of infection or attack on the body.

I hope the best for you & your daughter.

 

[Stips]

Hello Lyon my name is Jun and i just wanted to tell you that your story touched my heart. i am also stationed in kyoto writing for the visual novel and animation producer key. i will not be in kyoto for long as i have to return to osaka soon but i would love to meet with you. i am currently working on the story for a soon to be animation and i would love to learn more about your story. your story is very touching and i would like to share it with the world but only if you permit. i see how this could be a very sensitive topic and if you do not want to speak on it that is ok but if you are interested in this proposition please get back to me. this is not about money i am willing to lose money on this endeavour. i just want to share your story.

I do not know what to say to you. I can't meet with you. I have very little free time. All of my time is being spent with Mei and with the little free time I do have I am seeking advice and resting. I am not against you telling my story to others or using it for your project. If I can help at all please let me know how and I will try my best, but I make no promises.

Hi Stips,
I admire your desire to be the best father you can be.
Consider what is best for your daughter.
She's been raised by her grandparents - & I imagine she bonded with them. Try to keep that bond going - for her best interest.

Have doctors done blood tests to figure out the cause of fevers?
Allergies? Infection? Usually fevers are the body's way of taking care of some type of infection or attack on the body.

I hope the best for you & your daughter.

Tests have been done, but they cannot identify what is causing the fevers. They did not know what caused my wife's fevers either. Today has started well, though. She is regaining strength. Thank you for the kind words.

 

[JunMaeda]

I do not know what to say to you. I can't meet with you. I have very little free time. All of my time is being spent with Mei and with the little free time I do have I am seeking advice and resting. I am not against you telling my story to others or using it for your project. If I can help at all please let me know how and I will try my best, but I make no promises.[/QUOTE]


the project is an animated series. we already have some arcs for the first segment but we would love to have your story for our second segment. the second segment is a continuation of the first. the first would be your highschool days and the second would be some years afterwards. if you are not willing to recall painful memories that is ok. i understand that this is very sensitive. however if you are willing to help could you start by letting me know more about the birth of mei? do not hold on any details please

 

[Stips]

however if you are willing to help could you start by letting me know more about the birth of mei? do not hold on any details please

I am not quite sure of the circumstances of the project. I do not watch anime, but I would still like to help.

Please do not hesitate in asking what you need to know. These are all painful experiences, but I will no longer run away from them. I will speak as much as you will listen. I will try not to spare any details, but this is the first time I speak about it so please forgive me if I am a bit all over the place. I remember these two nights as if they were a few hours ago. I do not recall anything else in my life so clearly.

Before I tell you what you want to know, let me start one day before the birth of Mei. Me and Christina (古河渚彼女の漢字名場合は好奇心が強いていたのです) went to the hospital. Christina originally wanted to give birth at home, but when she fell ill we recognized this was not an option. She was experiencing contractions so we went to the hospital in preparation. They told us that she was not close enough to giving birth and that we should go home. I told them that we did not own a vehicle and getting to the hospital was a hassle. They knew about her illness and I did not want to get caught with her giving birth at home as she would be far safer at the hospital. They made us wait for a small amount of time and then I was allowed to speak to the doctor. She told me that Christina's condition was not posing a threat and that we should not worry (This goes against what we were told earlier). She told us that if things got worse to come back and they would have another look at us. So we returned home.

I remember the conversation we had that night. I tried to get her to rest, but she insisted on talking to me. She told me that her one goal was to give birth to Mei. That her dream was for us 3 to live together, she called it her distant paradise. To some it may be just an ordinary future, but at that very moment it was our dream. You see the path that we traveled to get there was more difficult than most. Oridinary happiness was further away from us than others. We talked for a little while longer before she finally fell asleep.

The next day we were hit by the 2007 snow storm and had no way of getting to the hospital. Roads were terrible, public transportation was canceled and the hospital was not in walking distance. Then the intense labor pains start. Christina's face was wrenched in agony and I asked Sanae (Her mother) what can be done. We were going to have to give birth at home. Sanae called a family friend, Yagi, who was going to work as a midwife. She only lived down the hall. I went into the hall to greet her, Christina was still in intense pain when I returned. I could do nothing but follow Yagi's instructions. She told me to support Christina. I went next to Christina while Yagi removed medical equipment from her bag.

I remember asking Yagi if it would be okay for me to hold Christina's hand, she said that it would be and told me to do it. I grabbed Christina's hand and in her sweaty palm I placed my hand. She clenched down on it as if she had been desperately seeking it. I remember telling her that everything would be okay and when it was done we would have our long awaited child. At this moment, for a split second, she looked at me. I'm sure of it. She looked at me, closed her eyes and nodded.

Yagi was finished preparing at this time and said we were ready to begin. Mei's delivery had started. Many times Christina lost conciousness, but the pain would bring her back again. This cycle repeated for hours. The cruelty of it made me want to avert my eyes, but I looked on. It was as if she was being tortured with no mercy. This just goes on and on. The final cycle never comes.... Until it does. Everything from the start of the delivery until I hear the cry is a blur, but once I hear the cry, everything comes back.

I look in the direction of the cry and a baby's bright red body rests in a towel. Yagi says I may now hold my child. I briefly release Christina's hand to the grab the baby and towel and lift them into my arms, then I grab Christina's hand once again.

I called out to her, but her eyes were closed. She did not answer me and I feared the worse. Tears begin to form in my eyes. Enough so that if I shut them they would fall. I called out to her again and she opened her eyes. I was so relieved. Tomoya-Kun she said in the faintest voice. (Tomoya is my Kanji name.) Her vision must have been blurry, because she could not find my face. I brought my face close to her and told her I was here. Finally she could see me. I did my best, she said. You did great I told her. I told her to listen to the cry of our child. She said she could hear it, I raised Mei into view of her, this is our child I said. Ushio. Isn't she beautiufl? (Ushio is Mei's kanji name.) Yes, Shio-chan, she said.

Christina said she was tired and wanted to rest, I could tell I was losing her so I told her to hold on for a moment and continued speaking. I went on and on about whatever I could. How energetic our new child was and how lucky we were going to be. It was no use. Her face grew extremely pale and her eyes shut, but her grasp on my hand maintained. Our surroundings were noisy. Our in-laws were in a panick to try and contact the hospital and Mei was crying. I wished it was quiet. I continued to speak about whatever came to me, she did not respond, but she held my hand strongly. As if to never let go. So I continued. I talked about how she would grow up in the blink of an eye, how we will attend her entrance ceremony to kindergarten soon and how much fun it will be. I mentioned how I used to scoff at things like these but now I was so excited. She smiled. I told her how it would be lovely for our child to not only inherit her cute parts, but also her modesty and humbleness. She smiled wider and nodded. Her grasp on my hand weakened.

My vision grew blurry as my eyes suddenly filled with tears. I was not able to stop them from falling. There was an indescribable pain in my chest, all I wanted for the moment was to speak with Christina. The smile was gone from her face now. I called her name. No response. I told her in a crying voice that this was only the start of our dream. That before her I was nothing. I reminded her that it was her who brought goodness to my life. I begged her to not go anywhere and told her if she left there would be nothing good left. We made the trip up the foothill of the school together that one morning and had we not maybe I would have never made it.

I called her name again and then she let go of my hand. Her hand fell, hit the blanket and that was it. These were my final days with my wife.

Jun, thank you for letting me share this. A puddle of tears has formed on my shirt and I experience a pain in my chest, but I am glad I was able to speak of this. I do not know how much help this is to you, but I am glad to help in any way that I can. Thank you again.

 

[JunMaeda]

you narrate so wonderfully. i have sent you an e-mail. i would love to hear more about your life. everything from high school until now. if you are interested in working us please reply there. thank you.

 

[Stips]

Happy mother's day everybody. I come here to post a final time at least for a few months. On April 29, 2012 my beloved Mei was taken from me. I knew this was going to happen a few days in advance, but nothing prepares you for this. The sadness I felt is a feeling I cannot put into words, but I will not go back to that place I was in before. I'm glad that I had these last 6 months to spend with Mei, but I will never get back those 5 years I so carelessly wasted.

I don't want to drag this on so I will ask you all to make sure that those you love know that you love them. I'm going to do the same myself. I think I'll give my father a call and speak to some of my old friends.

The animation you heard about is being produced. I'm not having a big hand in it, but I'm curious to see how it turns out. I might update you on that, I'm not sure.

You guys have helped me become a stronger person than I had ever hoped to be a few months ago. Without you I don't know how this situation would have turned out. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, I love you all.

 

[cybele]

I am very sorry to hear that Stips.

 

[JunMaeda]

Hello everybody. For those of you interested in following lyon's story we have partnered with him and will be releasing an animated series about his story in two weeks. if anybody here is interested in following the series we can subtitle it and email it to you just post your email in this thread. only the second season will focus on what he has spoken about here. please know that he is doing well and we're very excited for this project