Is it ok to expect my 18 yr old...

[NancyM]

to call me every now and than so I know he's alive.?? lol

Max is a pretty good kid, I think he drinks a little and yes we found a smoked joint in his car ash tray a few months ago. His friends are good kids too, they all go to college in the winter months but are all together again for the summer. I believe they all work, including Max, so they hang out after 10 pm. My son just got his license last November, and is driving a fairly decent used car, oh yeah, there's a girl.!! so a lot of changes are going on at once and I'm freaking out a little.

I know we all want our parents as far away from us as possible when we were 18, but I still want to know after 8 hrs or so that he is alright. after all he does have a cell phone.

Is this too much to ask? Really. Everyone I ask has a different opinion.

please give me yours.

 

[bssage]

every 8 hrs seem a little much IMO. But several times a week and on weekends. My brother (48) still calls dad every sunday at 08:00. I call (45) several times a week. But we are checking on him.

You could quit calling him and taking his calls for a week.
That may help him understand why its important to you to hear from him.

Just IMHO

 

[Father_0f_7]

twice a week wouldn't be a lot to ask IMO. If he's living with you during the summer than that is intirely up to you.

I'm also curious what you did about the joint. Not just that it's a joint but what really scares me is that it was in his car...meaning he (or someone else) was probably smoking it while driving.

 

[NancyM]

Thanks for your reply's,
Max does live at home. That's why I notice when he's home or not, and why we expect him to check in once in a while. He commutes to a local college. It's funny because His father and I are pretty liberal. I mean that we tell him if he's going to drink of course don't drive, if he has to get home for some reason and everyone is drunk, he should call us, and not drive.

I have to say that the joint thing really threw me. I never expected that.
We didn't snoop, what happened was that I asked max for his keys so I could move his car out of a spot, he was still in bed and gave me his keys, I opened the door, and got hit with a powerful rush of marijuana I told his dad to talk to him this time, because sometimes he gets more defensive with me, His father talked to him about it, and he made it very clear to Max that he is NOT to ever smoke pot and drive.

That was about 2 mos ago, and so far it seems like he's ok when he comes home. We watch for it.

This is all new to me because Max has always been a home body kid, Always!! and always had a group of really good kids as friends, and they all had the same interest in computers and electronics. As soon as he graduated last year, and turned 18 its like he changed into someone else.

He works full time and like I said has a nice girlfriend and it's just weird.

I guess it's the rebellious age, I just didn't expect it now.

How long will this last.? Anybody?

 

[Gunny]

but I still want to know after 8 hrs or so that he is alright. after all he does have a cell phone.

Not going to happen. At least not every 8 hours. Once a week is satisfactory. Wouldn't expect more than that.

And I wouldn't be too concerned about the joint. Now if you find a crack pipe that's a different story.

 

[Father_0f_7]

I on the other hand would be completely concerned about the joint but that's just my opinion.

Since he does live with you, and you seem to be fairly lenient, is there any way you guys could compromise?

Does he just refuse to call you guys, like he just doesn't care? or is it more that he forgets?

If none of that works than I would honestly just sit him down and say "look, you may be 18 but you're living under our roof. We expect you to give us the respect we deserve and call us every once in a while so we know you're okay"

 

[Jeremy+3]

When Jackson was 18 he still lived at home, we didn't expect him to call us all the time, if he had phoned us every 8 hours every day for non-emergency reasons I would have told him to stop, unless something serious is going on, it really isn't necessary.

 

[Father_0f_7]

And I somewhat agree. When Dylan was living at home he was 18 also...we really just wanted to know if he was coming home that night or not. He could stay out as late as he wanted (not on school nights) as long as he called us and said "I'm not going to be home tonight"

But the OP would like a call from her son so she's not staying up worrying and I completely understand that. And no, it's definately not too much to ask of him.

 

[Xero]

I think if I had children that were 18+ as long as they had already graduated high school, then I would be happy with them checking in once a day.

 

[NancyM]

Wow it's so interesting how we all see the same situation differently. I guess I'm lucky to have a good son. If I had a problem child or maybe even a girl I'm not sure how I'd be today

I do appreciate all of your responses.
Jeremy-3 I have to laugh at your reply. it Just struck me funny. Thanks

Xero, I understand that, I hope I will get to that point.

Father_of_six: I agree at least call to say he won't be home tonight. (ok I ask where he's going to be ) He has a 2 am curfew, and he's usually home on time. When he goes to his girlfriends I would rather he stay there than to drive home when he's tired, I even told him this, but he gets home about 3:30 which is fine in the summer, in the bad winter nights I'm sure it will be another story. lol

And No, I can't imagine how he could forget, I remind him often enough lol, either he turns the phone off, or claims he lost power. I know it's BS. This really gets me nuts.

And your right , I too am concerned about the joint, I don't like it and am a bit of a square where drugs are concerned.

Gunny you think it's too much to expect? OMG CRACK PIPE, you know I'm going to be looking for that now..Remember he does live at home. and is a fairly new driver, and not very street wise on the second hand. You don't think he should call his sweet old ma just because she asked him too?

Just to show that I am partly cool, right now Max is tucked away in his bedroom with his girlfriend chilling out in the A/C.

I can't help it I just love him to peices.

 

[Xero]

I agree with Gunny that I wouldn't be terribly concerned about a joint. Its so common for kids his age, its just not that huge of a deal.

Although I highly disagree with Gunny about the once a week thing, holy crap I'd be pissed if I didn't hear from my kid (who still lives at home) for a week.

I don't think you're asking too much about the every 8 hour thing. I think that I would ask him to do that, and then just try to be understanding when he forgets.

 

[Father_0f_7]

Its so common for kids his age, its just not that huge of a deal.

I do and do not agree with this. I do not condone drug abuse of any kind and will not accept it with my kids (as we have come to find out...but that's un entirely different story).

I wouldnt really be extrememly worried about it if it was just marijuana, unfortunately that isn't the case most of the time..And the sad part is they kids don't even know it.

Don't get me wrong, as stated before I do not condone or tolorate any kind of drug use. Even marijuana (except for medical use)

Marijuana Dangers:
Impared perception, Diminished short-term memory, Loss of concentration and coordination, impaired judgement, increased risk of accidents, loss of motivation, increased heart rate, anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, hallucinations, damage to the respiratory, reproductive, and immune systems, increased risk of cancer, and psychological dependency.

That's only the marijuana itself.

Thing is, drug dealers don't care about people, they just want to get you hooked so you come back. So they lace the joint with other narcotics (cocaine for example). This decreases the "high" and is cheaper to source.

 

[NancyM]

It's a tough one for sure.

I really don't except that experimenting with pot or any drug is a normal teen behavioral thing, I know the peer pressure is there, but this is one of those times when he's suppose to use good judgment and say NO. He's been prepped for this all through school!!!

He was taught all his young life about the dangers of drug use, (D.A.R.E.) and he was rallying right along against it. He really does know better, not to mention We're concerned for his health as well, and have a right to be. I don't want him to inhale, ingest or inject poison into his body in any form.

I think by letting our kids off the hook and accepting pot smoking is normal for teens, (hey, cool my parents think it's ok) we make it easy for them to avoid being responsible. Sooner or later they will have to stop following the crowd, stand up for themselves, and man up to their own convictions.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but for now, I think I will continue to annoy him and keep butting into his world as far as this subject goes.

I really do appreciate all your opinions. But ....um what was the answer to the cell phone question again?? lol just kidding.

 

[Hartz75]

If my kid was living with me still at 18 I would expect them to call me or contact me once a day. I always told my Dad where I as going to be during the day. I was expected home for dinner each night and if I did not want to be home for dinner I had to call and let them know.

If I went away for the weekend I had to tell my parents where I was and how to get ahold of me, and I had to check in as soon as I was back in the city. I had to also tell them when I was leaving and when to be back.

They trusted me but I think it was more for safety.

As for drugs. All my friends did it, me Nope! I don't know why. They all offered it to me but I said no. They never pushed it or teased me, my friends were great.

 

[Xero]

No no lol I didn't say that I thought teenagers USING marajuana was normal and not a big deal. If you found out he was using regularly, or depending on it or something then I would be concerned. What I said was finding a joint seemed normal enough. There is a huge difference between using marajuana and trying it with a friend. I mean if that's what you think, that he's doing it more than that, then I think it needs to be handled. And I'm not saying I wouldn't do anything about it if I found one in my kid's car. I'm saying that I don't think its the end of the world and I don't think drastic measures would need to be taken. Big big difference between what I was talking about and what you guys are talking about.

 

[Father_0f_7]

Xero -
Actually I was only talking about one time (except for some of the things I listed under dangers). I guess what I was trying to say was I would have done more than just talk to him about it once.

 

[Jeremy+3]

Xero -
Actually I was only talking about one time (except for some of the things I listed under dangers). I guess what I was trying to say was I would have done more than just talk to him about it once.

Yeah, I would have gone absolutely ballistic and my wife would whittle them to death.

 

[Hartz75]

I am not sure how to handle the drug thing quite yet. So I am listening to you all. I hope I have several years before I need to worry.

 

[sbattisti]

Count me in with the squares on the marijuana front. I'm also a square from way back. In fact, I've NEVER tried marijuana. I'm NOT a hardass parent at all, but this would be a tough one for me.

The part that kind of worries me the most is the fact that it was in the car ash tray. Apart from the comment above that it means they were potentially driving while impaired, it also implies that EITHER:

a) he was so out of it from the marijuana or other stuff that he didn't even think to hide the evidence from his parents or law enforcements

-or-

b) he doesn't give a crap

The other thing is, the pot in the car seriously smacks of someone with an ongoing relationship with pot. If he were just trying it for the first time, I suspect he would be unlikely to do it in a car, and highly LIKELY to clean up afterward.

Your son is 18, but he's still your son, and he is still maturing. He's not of legal drinking age, and marijuana is illegal. He's living under your roof. In my opinion, there HAS to be some age-appropriate consequence for that pot.

You have to think of the extremes, too. What if he had been pulled over and arrested? Even worse, what if he had killed someone while driving impaired?

Either one of those would be really concerning to me.

 

[knightshow]

Kids need time on their own to find themselves. They need to be able to make their own mistakes and find their own way - these are vital life skills. But they should call the parents... often, especially early on in their independence.