Is it wrong for a mother to wish her son was more attractive?...

Precious Amber · Jul 21, 2008

<t>I know this sounds terribly wrong, but my (16-year-old) son is so ugly and I can’t help wishing he was more attractive. 
He is short, overweight and very pale (which looks ridiculous with his dark hair), and he’s very shy and quiet. 
 
I always wanted a handsome, tall, confident son, and even though my boy is hardworking and smart, I can’t help but feel SO incredibly disappointed in him. I can’t think where he got these unattractive genes from. 
 
I have never said any of this to him of course, although I have tried to get him to lose weight. 
 
I know this is such a horrible thing to say, and I’m afraid God will punish me for it. 
 
Is it very wrong for a mother to wish her son was attractive? Does anyone else ever feel this way? What should I do? 
 
Please help. Thank you.</t>

1dayatatime · Jul 21, 2008

We all want our kids to be perfect. I had an ugly/awkward phase doesn't everyone? What is really more important to be true and teach is inner beauty. A pretty face will only get you so far then you better have something to back it up. Right? Chris Farley was not what I would consider "attractive" but that dude was hilarious. Elvis got fat and the ladies still worshiped him because he could sing.

mom2many · Jul 21, 2008

I don't think that you really think your son is ugly, I think you have lost that "fantasy" of what you had envisioned of your son. It's always hard when a child isn't what you thought they would turn out to be, we have fantasy's of them while they are still in our womb, we think "Oh they are going to have daddies hair and my eyes, they are going to have daddy's height, Yadda, Yadda" of course we always say we just want them to be happy, and we mean that, but it doesn't mean that in the back of our heads we haven't thought of their future.

Having said that, you must have my oldest, he's 17 very white, blue eyes, and my VERY dark brown hair, and yes he is overweight, VERY shy and quite, and all of this, except the weight is beyond his control, although he is predisposed to the weight, cause heavy people run in my family. My son also has a learning disability, and that is the only thing I would change about him. Why? Cause that is what will make his life hard, his looks will only mean something if he lets it, it can hinder or he can walk tall and proud (even short people can), but his learning problems will never change.

Everyone of my 7 kids looks different, some are more exsotic (can't spell the word, but you get the meaning) dark skin, tall, blue eyed, or long curly hair, and then some are very pale, dark blonde hair, and brown eyes, and then 2 are "white" by all apperances, blonde, blue eyed and pale skinned. I learned long ago that it is what it is and to teach them to make the most of what nature gave them.

Good luck, I don't think god will strike you down, but work with your son to teach him to be proud of what he does have to offer the world.

Dadu2004 · Jul 21, 2008

The more important question is...What does your son think about himself? Does he think he's ugly? If he's happy with who he is, then that's his business, and praise him for his self-confidence. If he's unhappy being overweight, help him make healthier choices. The fact is, your child is your child no matter what he looks like...be proud of him and the gift that God has given you.

Precious Amber · Jul 23, 2008

sarushjr said:
</s>The more important question is...What does your son think about himself? Does he think he's ugly? If he's happy with who he is, then that's his business, and praise him for his self-confidence. If he's unhappy being overweight, help him make healthier choices. The fact is, your child is your child no matter what he looks like...be proud of him and the gift that God has given you.<e>

</e></QUOTE>
 
To be honest, I don’t know. He’s very insular, and spends most of his time (when he’s not at school or at work) either reading or playing the piano. We just don’t have a close relationship. I will tell you, though, that he doesn’t seem very happy but I don’t know what to do about it. 
 
<s></s>Anyway, thanks for all you help so far, everyone. <E>

</E><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e><e>[/FONT]</e><URL url="</s><e></e></URL></r>

Mindy · Jul 23, 2008

What a strange first post.

I honestly hope to God that your son never finds what you have written here. But I'm thinking kids are smart and if you are thinking about this enough to have posted about it, he probably knows deep down you feel this way. Kids aren't stupid, and they realize good and early how important looks are in this world. It's just sad that his mom isn't his soft place to fall.

Man, how happy could you really be if even your mom thinks you're ugly? This may sound really harsh, but you really need something else to worry about. Believe me, this will so so much harder on your son living it, then for you being his parent.

Ok, I feel mean now, but just... Wow. I can't believe it. Poor kid.

AmyBelle · Jul 25, 2008

I can imagine this boy going through the history folder on your computer and stumbling upon this.

Dadu2004 · Jul 25, 2008

Precious Amber said:
</s>To be honest, I don’t know. He’s very insular, and spends most of his time (when he’s not at school or at work) either reading or playing the piano. We just don’t have a close relationship. I will tell you, though, that he doesn’t seem very happy but I don’t know what to do about it. 
 
<s></s>Anyway, thanks for all you help so far, everyone. <E></E><e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e><e>[/FONT]</e><e>

</e></QUOTE>
 
 
If you don't have a close relationship with him, you better start there instead of worrying about what he looks like.</r>

Mindy · Jul 25, 2008

I agree Sarush.

HandInCup · Jul 25, 2008

I can tell you it's not easy knowing your parents don't think you're good enough looking for them. I come from the other side of the situation. My mother always thought I was ugly, she'd even tell me to my face. It sometimes had something to do with breasts, considering her's are 40DD's and my two sisters got the better end of the deal and here I am overweight with small breasts. With my father it was my weight which was never really a 'healthy size'.

I've always been larger, and I went through a lot of problems in school because of it. I bet your son has the same thing going on for him. And he may know that you feel this way. A combination of bullies and your parents thinking like that can more than put you in a shy disposition.

It's a shame you feel disappointed in him because he got the wrong chromosomes from you and his father. He might feel even worse if he has brothers or sisters or even cousins that are very attractive as well. I was also in this situation, having two beautiful cousins that my parents seemingly made compitition for myself. (Not saying that was the actual situation, that's just how I felt) Chances are, if he doesn't like who he is, he's either trying to make himself feel more attractive or is frustraited with it and has given up.

I suggest you start a relationship with him. Even if he isn't your ideal son, you need to know him as a person. Once you get to understand him, you might see what I've pointed out to be the truth. You can begin there, by helping him find a style that he likes and feels himself attractive in. 16 is a very hard age to be in, as he's probably looking into girls and all that jaz. You should be more supportive of him. I'd much rather have an intelligent and talented son in the future then a dead brained beauty. Even in this world, where looks are becoming everything, the thing that really matters to be successful in the end is how far you get through college and what kind of job you pick up to support yourself and your family.

I don't mean to come off harsh, and sorry if I did. But I kinda know what it feels like to not be beautiful in your parents' eyes, and it hurts. A lot.

fallon · Jul 25, 2008

yes...it's wrong to wish your son was more attractive. Sorry if that's harsh but it's wrong, it's very wrong and you're hurting him more then you could ever imagine

BookWyrm · Jul 26, 2008

When I saw this topic, I imagined someone who perhaps wished their overweight son could lose weight, to build his own self-confidence and feel better about himself.

Is it wrong to feel this way? Not if it were something like the above, but to feel this way in the manner of which you wrote.. yes.. a million times yes. It sounds like a pity party for yourself because the delivery person brought the wrong color sofa and how dare they give into your care something SO disappointing. This is your child... your smart and hard-working child, by your own words. How can he be anything but beautiful in your eyes?

Perhaps you worded yourself wrong, and for your son's sake I pray you did, but if not.. I pity him for having such an ugly mother at heart, who would be so selfish and shallow. No reply made here could be more harsh then your original post as it stands.

Mindy · Jul 26, 2008

I don't know. I don't like to speculate but it seems to me the only reason the post was made was to evoke the kind of responses it got. I truly hope it isn't a real situation.

If it is, then I believe the irony has been lost on the OP. Because if it wasn't for her genes and the father's genes, he wouldn't look that way.

mom2many · Jul 26, 2008

She isn't the only parent out there who feels that way, I am surprised more people don't realize that. And I am not sure how amny have teens, I can say, that at one time or another I have looked at my children and thought they could look better, yes, sometimes it's a weight issue and sometimes it is just thier appearance, but in no way does that mean I don't love them and I am sure the same could be said for her.

It sounds like her and her son lack any communication, she needs to get to know her son on his level, understand him more, see where he is coming from, know if he is happy with himself cause if he isn't happy and sending of vibes mom will pick up on them, she may not see for herself that she is picking up her sons 'unhappy' vibes. It's similar to when a spouse or boyfriend are unhappy, we pick up on the vibes but aren't exactly sure what the vibes are, unless the talk to us.

COmmunicate, communicate and good luck.

Precious Amber · Jul 26, 2008

<r><s></s><COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>In fact, Mindy is correct about me needing to evoke these kind of responses. "I pity him for having such an ugly mother at heart, who would be so selfish and shallow” is exactly what I needed to hear.<e></e></COLOR><e></e> 
 
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>For some reason, I am unable to value my son for his positive qualities. Now that I have been told, explicitly, that these views are wrong, cruel, and selfish, I can see that the problem in our relationship lies with me, and only me.<e></e><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR> 
 
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>I am considering counseling. Thank you.<e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e><e>[/COLOR]</e></COLOR> 
 
 
<COLOR color="#576569"><s></s>mom2many: I'm glad you understand that I love my son (I wouldn't have cared enough to post this if I didn't). Thank you. And I will try my best to communicate more with him. Thanks again.<e></e></COLOR><e>[/FONT]</e></r>

BookWyrm · Jul 26, 2008

For some reason, I am unable to value my son for his positive qualities. Now that I have been told, explicitly, that these views are wrong, cruel, and selfish, I can see that the problem in our relationship lies with me, and only me.[/COLOR][/FONT][/quote]

First, please know I am not judging you as a person, but I was judging the wording of your original post.

I am very glad to hear that you love your son, and do indeed see that being so brutally honest and reaching out for help had to be very difficult. The fact that you want to get help means there is hope for you and your son.

Communication and counceling, for yourself and in learnng to communicate, are both good ideas. And no, as others have mentioned, you are not the only person in the world who has ever felt this way. Most though, who do, never see it for what it is and have no desire to fix it.

As for not being able to value your son for who he is, JMO, but, the first thing you need to figure out how to do is to let go of that idealized image you held of how your child would be before he was born. It is not that much different than little Johnny's father wishing for a football hero of a son, only to find little Johnny is horrible at sports and prefers to play chess instead. Dad feels horribly disappointed. How could a son of his not enjoy what he enjoys, be what he always envisioned him to be, love something dad cannot stand or understand... and therein lies the problem. Dad doesn't understand or like what his son prefers, it is foreign and thus viewed negatively on first instinct.

So please do, take a look at your son, a real look without your own expectations as reference. Find something positive, no matter what it is, that you can latch on to. You do not have to believe he is handsome, to believe he is beautiful, but I am sure we are not talking quasimodo here either. My point was, wanting him to be handsome because it would make life a little easier for him is one thing, wanting him to be handsome because it makes life easier for you or because you believe his looks somehow reflect poorly on you is a very different outlook. You mentioned dark hair and pale skin, maybe the two of you, if he has any interest, can find a little common ground by discussing a hair style/color change. Just a minor suggestion.

Just bear in mind the things which make him smart and special may not be things you find interesting or with much value, try to step outside the box and not judge them by your standards, but by his passions and skills for/with them.

I've also seen my share of pure jock dad's cheering on their chess player boys, as I've seen parents like the opposite from above. So, good luck

FooserX · Jul 26, 2008

lol...this poster sounds like a troll.

I don't think I've ever heard a mom call her kid ugly before. Even when their children aren't good looking, I still hear parents tell them they are beautiful and handsome, and build their esteem. That's what loving parents do.

If this poster is for real, then yes...not only is it VERY WRONG of her, but it's just downright dispicable. Obviously she doesn't care about her son, only about how his appearance reflects on her.

Memo to superficial, hideous mom:

People, especially 16 year old kids in High School, know what they look like. We all know how attractive we are, or are not. Trust me...he knows, and he probably feels 10000 times worse about it than you. So stop thinking about yourself and figure out ways to help him get confidence and become more attractive.

Btw, pretty much everything is fixable when it comes to appearance. New haircut. New clothes. Lose weight. Plastic surgery. Whatever....

Precious Amber · Jul 27, 2008

Call me what you will, Fooser, but to be honest your words will never make me feel worse than I already do.

I have received my answer. Please can this thread be deleted, or locked or something?

1dayatatime · Jul 28, 2008

I dont think the thred should be altered in anyway. There could be another mom or dad out there with the same problem. We all make mistasks as parents. Thats HUMAN.

Dadu2004 · Jul 28, 2008

True 1day...what if this person isnt a troll? If she isn't, then we've helped. If she is, maybe we can help someone else who may have the same unfortunate feelings.

Is it wrong for a mother to wish her son was more attractive?...

Junior Member

PF Addict

Super Moderator

PF Visionary

Junior Member

PF Addict

PF Fiend

PF Visionary

PF Addict

Junior Member

Super Moderator

Junior Member

PF Addict

Super Moderator

Junior Member

Junior Member

PF Addict

Junior Member

PF Addict

PF Visionary