Issues with my father and son's stepfather....

[Valis]

Hey there, My name is Michael and this is my first child and so far it has been going good. Me and the mother split 7 months before he was born (She did not want to settle down even though we wanted a child) on July 5th 2012. His name is Kris (Kristopher) and is 7 months old and has thrush at the moment sadly, poor kid.

I watch Kris when she works and some nights throughout the week I keep him all night so we worked out scheduling for us both to have time with him at least. I currently live at home and am 25 years of age due to some issues that arose let alone I am currently unemployed for issues at the workplace unfortunately.

My father drinks seems almost everyday (Been like this forever) and even though I do not mind when he drinks as long as he does not cause any problems which is not as bad as it used to be. He came in stumbling while I was on the couch and fell on Kris's bouncy chair (Has some toys on it etc and a platform with bungie cords to bounce with).

Luckily Kris was asleep in his pack n play because usually I sit him in his chair when I fix his bottle or grab him baby food otherwise he woulda broke his neck or worse...I just ignored it like usual. Kris woke up so I took him out and had him on the couch bouncing him on my lap and playing then my father wanted to hold him.

I of course told him no and he said "why?" I said "Because you're too drunk." He then said "Whatever." I stated calmly "Well if he was in his bouncy chair you could have broke his neck or killed him." I was angry mentally but calm physically which my medication has helped with greatly since I used to have a bad temper.

Also my sons stepfather (There not married yet doubt it will happen) likes my son so it also bugs me what if my son ends up liking him more or calling him dad. She says that will not happen and he lives about a couple hours away she lives only 20 minutes away from me (Used to live together).

He has a job I do not, he will be able to buy my son things but I wont and I know buying does not mean everything but I only been able to buy him that chair with what I had left of my money from when I did have my job. I may just be freaking out but I do not know what to do.

I am on valium, depression medications, anti anxiety, and some booster tablets for my depression meds along with heart medication since my bps goes to 180 under bad stress or panic. I am Agoraphobic so I want to get out and move but it is just hard.

I only have had two jobs, first one I quit due to medical issues and my last one I was harassed from one of the managers even though I did my job to the point of no return which management did not do anything about it and if I only had known it was a union company I might of had a chance but I was in too deep.

I plan on getting a haircut and searching for jobs for my sons sake anyway even if it kills me. I do not drive either always had a fear of it but plan on doing that as well just I am not sure how to deal with some of this. My father apologized today which I figured he would anyway, usually does.

Unlike his mother I plan to put a hold on dating, my son comes first and he is priority over anyone else to me at this moment. His mother is caring and loving so I do not mean to try and make her sound bad just a bit immature. Any information and help would be appreciated though thank you and sorry if this was too long to read haha...

I have some pictures of him, plan to upload more later in an album from my camera so if anyone wants to take a look. Take care.

 

[bssage]

Hi

The first piece of advice I will share is to break up separate issues on separate threads. It makes it easier to reply to and simpler for you to reference.

Your Dad:

There is obviously no easy answers there. You are in a position where accepting their hospitality is necessary. Even if you were to try and make "no drinking" rules its not likely to be successful and if it were your still talking about a time consuming affair. You may isolate a portion of the house to make it more "kid friendly" and less inviting to dad.

The boyfriend:

I would not get wound up about the boyfriend. They come and go. Play your cards right. Be consistent and a good dad. And your set.

About the job:

I would bring that up in a general topic. List your skills: limitations, ect and maybe someone can help or at least point you in the right direction for your search.

Money for kids stuff:

Kids don't care about money. especially at his age. Its really only an issue if you make it one. We bring mostly new stuff to the salvation army all the time. Yard sales just are too much effort and not much reward. If your not mobile I would imagine you could call them and ask them to keep an eye out for things you think your boy needs or wants. They may even bring them buy if you asked nicely.


The exe:

No point in letting a bad exe drag you down. And it wont make you feel any better to talk bad. Just some first hand experience talking.

Looking foward to the pictures
Bryan

 

[FCMommy]

I second the comments about money and about the boyfriend. Spending a lot of money on kids doesn't bring you closer or make them happier. It just makes you broke and them spoiled. A steady job is something to work toward no matter what, but not so that you can buy toys. Cuddling with you, playing at the park, wrestling -- these are so much more valuable to him.

As for feeling jealous about his affection for your ex's guy...I can relate, actually. We have an open adoption and even thought I KNOW it's good for my daughter, it breaks my heart a tiny little bit every time she runs to hug her birth mom at a visit, or cries when its time to leave. It's hard to share your child. But what helps me is to remember that love is infinite. It's not like sharing a pizza, where if he gets a piece you don't get it. It's like...magnets, where the more there are around, the stronger the magnetic field is.

That's a clumsy simile, but what I mean is that your son's ability to love and be loved increases with all of the nurturing adults in his life. By growing to love this person, he'll actually be able to love you more deeply as well.

Hang in there.

 

[Valis]

Thanks and sorry about the multiple subjects, was not sure whether to keep it all in one or split it and did not wanna just spam the forums is all.

I would never spoil him to be honest and I always get onto my mother and ex to stop it. Which is why I am a bit upset about if he likes his stepfather more. The job thing I will do that in another subject, thank you.

As for my father, well I refuse to take my son upstairs since the stairs at the bottom are kind of old and cracked. His room is right next to the living room and that is where I watch him unfortunately.

He works night and is usually asleep in the evening at least and mother already chose her kids over him when he asked so he would be kicked out if anything got too serious, or at least I would make sure of it. I do not hate him but just stupidity really.

I had the chance to move away and get a job at my Aunt's roofing company for skyscrapers but this is why I decided to stay home, besides she lives 8 hours away and I would die without being able to see my son that and to protect him from my father.

Yea FCMommy, it sucks seeing that...I had to deal with that when he showed up when she was giving birth which did make me furious. I stayed calm but ugh.

 

[NancyM]

I know I'm a little late with this but I hope you are still reading.

I think your acting like a really good dad. You are right to put your baby first, that's what a good parent does.

And it's true that babies don't need lots of physical toys they really just need your love and attention, they need to learn that you will protect them, and they need to feel safe and happy. Those things you can give him all the time. You can buy him things later on when you can afford to, but right now he just needs your love and care for him.

It's really better if you can just accept who you are, and not worry about what the boyfriend can and can't do. By accepting yourself, your teaching your son that it's ok to be proud of who you are even if you don't have a lot of money, as long as your a good, honest and decent person, it teaches him to be himself, not to pretend to be someone he isn't.

As far as your EX's boyfriend goes, try to see it this way, your son is lucky to have so many people in his life who love him. it's really hard NOT to like or fall in love with a baby. I'd rather have my ex's boyfriend liking my child than not liking him, at least this way you know the baby is safe with him. So try not to take it personally.

And as far as your drunken dad goes....your right about that too.
I would never allow my baby to be alone with a person who is probably drunk,or has been drinking anytime during the day. If you think he's drinking too much than go with your instinct and DO NOT leave your baby alone with him. If your father don't like it, that's too bad. You need to keep your baby safe, Kris's feelings and needs are way more important than your father at this point.

I don't know what to say about working. Since your taking meds for your conditions I suppose you are seeing a therapist. It's a good thing to do so, they can help a great deal and direct you to the proper agencys who can help you support the baby.

Keep up the good work.
Good luck to you and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[Valis]

Thanks, I have not been on in a good bit unfortunately been busy. I forgot all about checking here but saw I had a reply on my email at least.

As for working, I am gonna try for ssd till I can get around it. My therapist I have seen since I was really little to about age 16 then stopped till 19 then stopped and have not seen him since for 6 years. He's nice though but he knows how I am.

Yea I guess thats true on more people liking him but I have gotten over it for now so hopefully stays that way. As far as the job goes, gonna get a haircut even though I have pulled the sexist card on that before when I saw there was no dress code and it worked but I just got too lazy lately to cut it and need to anyway.

Probably will also be looking withing the month or two after I get some appointments done and over with for other reasons so that way I will have a load off my mind which will probably make it easier for me.

Sorry again for not getting on as much, just things been so hectic that and been sick due to not eating one day and taking my medication the next not thinking about having an empty stomach...talk about getting sick, I think I'd rather of had food poisoning again and vomiting than dealing with that feeling again lol...

 

[Mom2all]

I only have a few things to add. Keeping your baby loved and safe most important. Do what ever you have to do to achieve that.

Second.. in a world that is filled with so many bad things.. having more people that love you isn't a bad thing. Even if this man is not the one that ends up married to your son's Mom, chances are there will be a step father in there at some point permanently. Your going to want your son to love him.. because that will be a testament to how good this man treats your son.

and lastly.. have you thought of going to see someone at Vocational Rehab? They might be able to help you find a place in the workforce that would suit you. Having problems nothing to be ashamed of. BUT don't give up. Keep moving forward and you'll be fine.

 

[NancyM]

All you plans sound like a good idea to me Valis.

Do what you have to do to make yourself feel healthy. If you qualify for SSD than stay with it until you feel strong enough to go back to work, it's there to help people who really need it.

Get a nice hair cut and keep yourself looking nice, so you feel proud of yourself. You seem to be trying to do all the right things, keep thinking that way and you will begin to feel good about everything.

Remember you have a precious little boy who loves you and will always look up to you, so by doing all the right things your teaching him the right way to live. Little boys always want to imitate their dads, your showing good examples by taking care of yourself, and taking good care of Kris.

You have to stay healthy now especially for Kris.

How is Kris's Thrush doing?