just found out my daughter's pregnant...

[mentalmum]

Hi...I posted here awhile ago about the difficulties I was having with my daughter.

She's been living with her bf and his family for three months now, against our wishes. There are no boundaries for them there - they go out when they want, they sleep together...no-one checks up on her that she's going to school. She actually didn't go to school for 2 months because she was expelled from the school we had her in with her siblings, and then she refused to attend a variety of local schools because she didn't like the atmosphere there.

She's told me today that she's 5 weeks pregnant. I know from the last time she thought she was pregnant that she won't abort or adopt out, and I wouldn't even attempt to make that choice for her even if she was the kind of kid who listened.

I'm so sad, and angry, and disappointed, and ashamed. I feel like somehow this is my failure, even though my husband and I have tried so hard with her. I don't know how to feel or what to say to her. I haven't said any of this to her. She just said, I'm pregnant, and I said, I thought you were going to say that.

 

[mom2many]

Wow, that's a tough situation. I went back and read your other post just so I could have a better idea of what is going on.

At this point, there isn't anything you can do. She sounds like one of those kids who are going to have to learn life's lessons the hard way. That's a hard pill to swallow as a mom, I know I had one of those myself...stubborn to a fault. Thankfully she never ended up pregnant though, putting myself in your shoe's here is what I would/wouldn't do. I firmly believe that as parents it is our job to help our children when they find themselves pregnant, in this case though your DD is no longer at home so she is no longer your responsibility, since this happened in the care of BF's parents and home then they can step up. I would offer any emotional support I could but financially she would be on her own. I would not make this easy for her in hopes that she will come to her sense's. Adoption (if you are unwilling to take the baby) would really be her best option, could she live with me?..yes, but she has to get a job and go to school, she would have to support her own child.

good luck!

 

[jessicams]

Can I ask how old she is?

And I can honestly say that had I got pregnant young, my parents wouldn't have done a thing to help me. They flat out told me, I would be on my own if I had.
I plan to say the same thing to my girls when they're older.

 

[Trina]

I totally agree, M2M. This is how I would handle the situation.

Wow, that's a tough situation. I went back and read your other post just so I could have a better idea of what is going on.

At this point, there isn't anything you can do. She sounds like one of those kids who are going to have to learn life's lessons the hard way. That's a hard pill to swallow as a mom, I know I had one of those myself...stubborn to a fault. Thankfully she never ended up pregnant though, putting myself in your shoe's here is what I would/wouldn't do. I firmly believe that as parents it is our job to help our children when they find themselves pregnant, in this case though your DD is no longer at home so she is no longer your responsibility, since this happened in the care of BF's parents and home then they can step up. I would offer any emotional support I could but financially she would be on her own. I would not make this easy for her in hopes that she will come to her sense's. Adoption (if you are unwilling to take the baby) would really be her best option, could she live with me?..yes, but she has to get a job and go to school, she would have to support her own child.

good luck!

 

[Trina]

Jessica, when I was a teen my parents made it clear they would "disown" me if I became pregnant out of wedlock. That statement hurt me to my very core. A parent's love is supposed to be unconditional. I didn't dwell on it, but at that point knew Mom & Dad were not the people to go to in times of need. Personally, I don't want my kids to think of ME that way. I will always love them, no matter what. That doesn't mean I will bail them out of all their problems, but I will always be emotionally supportive.

Can I ask how old she is?

And I can honestly say that had I got pregnant young, my parents wouldn't have done a thing to help me. They flat out told me, I would be on my own if I had.
I plan to say the same thing to my girls when they're older.

 

[Squishy]

Try to separate your own feelings here from what needs to be said or done with your daughter....you might need to deal with your own issues separately.

Her pregnancy seems to be the result of a long history of really bad choices coupled with bad judgment and an unwillingness to listen to you or otherwise accept your parenting. As a result, there's little you can do to help her, she's one of those kids who need to continually touch the hot stove for herself....

So, as a result of her inability to accept your parenting, i'd very calmly ask her why she's telling you this, and what she wants. And then, just listen to her response, even if it is against your better judgment.

 

[parentastic]

Can I ask how old she is?

According to another post about 3 month earlier, she was 15.
In fact, she says this on the spanking thread:

For example, my 10yo reacts in a very positive manner to being smacked. However, our 15yo cries abuse (I understand that in some people's eyes any form of physical discipline is abuse, but I would like to say two things: 1) in Australia, a parent may smack a child with an open hand below the shoulders and that is not legally abuse and 2) I believe the intent is crucial) any time anyone looks at her angrily. She is a particularly difficult child (not just my opinion but that of those who teach her, counsel her etc) and I admit I have slapped her on the arm in the course of arguments where I have lost my temper.

From this, I get that mentalmum's and her daughter have a very strained relationship, in which the trust has been shattered. As a way to protect herself - both from the physical pain and from the humiliation and emotional trauma it causes to one's self esteem - her daughter decided to get away from home and found a way to make this happen.
I also think that many adolescent will use pregnancy as a way to get back at their parents, to "make the balance even", by changing the deck of cards on the table, so to speak.

I'm so sad, and angry, and disappointed, and ashamed. I feel like somehow this is my failure, even though my husband and I have tried so hard with her. I don't know how to feel or what to say to her. I haven't said any of this to her. She just said, I'm pregnant, and I said, I thought you were going to say that.

Mentalmum, I am so sorry to hear you are now living this situation with your daughter. I wish I had been able to help you earlier, but I only started reading and participating these forums a few weeks ago, so I never saw your post earlier.
It is now time to switch strategy and change your world view, if you want to have a chance at helping your daughter.
I hope you will not see my writings as offensive, but I am also trying to shake you out of your current mood and offer a different perspective.

It seems you will soon have a new member in the family. This is going to be a major life change, both for you and your daughter.
She needs you more than ever.
And she needs you now to stop looking back and look forward. So you need to restore your trust and relationship with your daughter as fast as possible. It's too late for lectures and "I told you so", it's time to open your arms, welcome her back in there and tell her that you need to stick together now and prepare for the upcoming huge transformation.
You need to spend some real quality time with your daughter, and apologize first (because you are the adult) for what you have done to her before, for breaking the trust between you, for not listening to each other, for pushing her away from you. You need to open the door of true communication through first admitting your side of the dynamic, so that it opens the door for her to trust you again. You need to find back in your heart the empathy and love you felt for her when she was little and vulnerable - because <I>inside</I>, she still is little and vulnerable, and she needs you more than ever.

You have some serious reconstruction work to do with her, and you need to do this in the next 8 months.

Good luck,
Nicolas, Family Life Educator

 

[sweetguest]

we can understand ur satuatuion .... this is the tough phase of ur life..... hope u ll handle this matter nicely....
good luck....

 

[mentalmum]

According to another post about 3 month earlier, she was 15.
In fact, she says this on the spanking thread:



From this, I get that mentalmum's and her daughter have a very strained relationship, in which the trust has been shattered. As a way to protect herself - both from the physical pain and from the humiliation and emotional trauma it causes to one's self esteem - her daughter decided to get away from home and found a way to make this happen.
I also think that many adolescent will use pregnancy as a way to get back at their parents, to "make the balance even", by changing the deck of cards on the table, so to speak.



Mentalmum, I am so sorry to hear you are now living this situation with your daughter. I wish I had been able to help you earlier, but I only started reading and participating these forums a few weeks ago, so I never saw your post earlier.
It is now time to switch strategy and change your world view, if you want to have a chance at helping your daughter.
I hope you will not see my writings as offensive, but I am also trying to shake you out of your current mood and offer a different perspective.

It seems you will soon have a new member in the family. This is going to be a major life change, both for you and your daughter.
She needs you more than ever.
And she needs you now to stop looking back and look forward. So you need to restore your trust and relationship with your daughter as fast as possible. It's too late for lectures and "I told you so", it's time to open your arms, welcome her back in there and tell her that you need to stick together now and prepare for the upcoming huge transformation.
You need to spend some real quality time with your daughter, and apologize first (because you are the adult) for what you have done to her before, for breaking the trust between you, for not listening to each other, for pushing her away from you. You need to open the door of true communication through first admitting your side of the dynamic, so that it opens the door for her to trust you again. You need to find back in your heart the empathy and love you felt for her when she was little and vulnerable - because <I>inside</I>, she still is little and vulnerable, and she needs you more than ever.

You have some serious reconstruction work to do with her, and you need to do this in the next 8 months.

Good luck,
Nicolas, Family Life Educator

Guess what? I've already done all that. All along, every time, I have admitted to my mistakes and she has never once given any ground. I have tried, and tried, and tried, and what you have said here is offensive to me because it seems like you are not giving me any credit but are giving me all the blame. Yes, the relationship is strained. On both sides. Yes, the trust has been shattered - I no longer trust her at all either. She has lied to me, stolen from me, done everything she can deliberately to hurt me. Relationships are two-sided, and if only one party is willing to make any movement, it's still not going to work. So thanks for your advice, but you can stick it. What makes you think you could've helped earlier, simply by reading the two posts I've made? You know our family so well, do you? This has gone on for years and years and at every step of the way we have strived to do what is best for her. You don't know us and don't seem to have any compassion, which is what I came here for.

 

[Squishy]

Guess what? I've already done all that. All along, every time, I have admitted to my mistakes and she has never once given any ground. I have tried, and tried, and tried, and what you have said here is offensive to me because it seems like you are not giving me any credit but are giving me all the blame. Yes, the relationship is strained. On both sides. Yes, the trust has been shattered - I no longer trust her at all either. She has lied to me, stolen from me, done everything she can deliberately to hurt me. Relationships are two-sided, and if only one party is willing to make any movement, it's still not going to work. So thanks for your advice, but you can stick it. What makes you think you could've helped earlier, simply by reading the two posts I've made? You know our family so well, do you? This has gone on for years and years and at every step of the way we have strived to do what is best for her. You don't know us and don't seem to have any compassion, which is what I came here for.

It's important to discard advice from people who prefer to speak rather than listen.

Hun, it's clear that you've been thru the roughest time with your daughter, and that you've tried everything...people don't open themselves up to strangers about the most painful things in their adult lives if they also haven't tried just about everything IRL. Clearly the issue here isn't your ego!

So, at the risk of repeating myself, I think your daughter's inability to allow you to parent here has left you with limited options, and it's deteriorated into what she perceives as a control struggle. Until that misperception changes, you probably can expect more of the same from her. So, what I'd recommend is for you to separate your own feelings as a parent (or perhaps more accurately, the parent...and now grandparent!) you'd like to be from what she'll accept. Since she wants the control, I'd give it to her: Ask her why she's telling you all this and what she wants, and just listen to her response. Then, tell her you'll think it over and get back to her, maybe report back here.

Relationships are on going, evolving things....even when there's a crisis and you think you MUST do something, or that it's irrevocably 'Over'. Take it one step at a time here, as the adult you really do have the upper hand....as long as you don't panic. There's always the next conversation, this is just the beginning.

But the first step here is to recognize the obvious and let go of the rope she's been tugging you with.

 

[Shiroi Tora]

One key component has not been said here....the father. He now has moral and legal responsibilities. They are to be parents. They have to be able to provide for the child in more ways than financial...although, I think the financial part will be tough to fill. Considering her age...his age shouldn't be far off. They are but children. Have you spoken to the parents of the boy? Do they have health insurance? Medical coverage? Does the father work? Does he still go to school? What does he wish to do (and what is he doing to fulfill his plans)?

What is she going to do? Stay at home mom? What financial support are the parents of the boy going to provide? Is your daughter an Emancipated Minor? I don't know about where you are...but under the legal age of adulthood...the parents of the children are responsible for their actions until adulthood...unless they are emancipated.

The big immediate worry now is prenatal care for, both, mother and child. She will need checkups...vitamins...good diet...especially no alcohol or drugs. If the parents of the boy are allowing illegal activities (actually here...allowing situations where sex occurs for minors...is illegal) ...they could, at the very least, be contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

A major concern here should be on the innocent child to be born. Frequently, everything from alcohol and tobacco on up, are used by people following a hedonistic lifestyle. All can negatively affect the unborn child for life...there is no more innocent victim here than the child. Everyone else had choices.

 

[mentalmum]

Interestingly, it was me she called from school today when she felt all overwhelmed and confused and upset. I spoke to the school counsellor briefly, and in the end my 15yo came over to our house to spend some time with me. It so happened that our other 2 kids were home sick today, so privacy was hard to come by. We went for a walk together, though, and she talked some. I offered no advice, simply reflected what I was hearing her say, and told her I was available for her to talk to at any time. I shared a bit of my experience without telling her what to do or even what I thought she should do. I reminded her that I think she is smart and strong and precious and beautiful. She asked me to come to the first ultrasound with her, and when she left, she chose to give me a hug and a kiss, which has only happened rarely in her life - she is not a tactile person by nature. So...I guess there is hope of some sort. I have no doubt there will be more ups and downs in our future, but I'll take what I'm given and be grateful that right now, today, she wanted her mum.

Thanks to all those of you who have offered compassion and a listening ear. I very much appreciate it.

 

[singledad]

We went for a walk together, though, and she talked some. I offered no advice, simply reflected what I was hearing her say, and told her I was available for her to talk to at any time. I shared a bit of my experience without telling her what to do or even what I thought she should do. I reminded her that I think she is smart and strong and precious and beautiful.

As a former troubled teen, I want to congratulate you. You did the one thing that so few parents seem able to do, and the one thing thatcan make a difference - you listened. Without talking, offering advice or preasuring her to do or say anything. And then you made yourself available to listen more if and when she wants you to.

Well done!

As you say - there is hope. Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.

 

[mentalmum]

As you say - there is hope. Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks, singledad. I was a troubled teen too, and it was good that I had a bit of notice that she was coming, so I had time to think, What would I want from my mum if I were her? I haven't actually asked her that yet, although others have suggested it and I think it's a good idea. But I've always wished that I had a mum I could talk to when things were tough, and I never had that, so I chose to offer myself to her in that way. I hope it's been helpful for her.

 

[singledad]

I've always wished that I had a mum I could talk to when things were tough, and I never had that, so I chose to offer myself to her in that way. I hope it's been helpful for her.

You did a powerful thing, and I am so happy for you that she responded the way she did so quickly.

My grandmother took me in when I was 16. By then, there wasn't much she could do to help me - I'd already gone a long way down the road of self-destruction. But she listened. She was always available. She never judged, preasured or lectured. She just listened, validated my feelings and made sure that I knew she cared.

I truly believe that if it wasn't for her, I'd be dead or in jail. Probably dead. And I believe that you still have time to do the same for your daughter.

 

[mom2many]

That warmed my heart to read. I think sometimes, no matter how rebellious our children get when they are down, lost and lonely it is always their parents they want...well not in every case, but in cases where they know deep in their hearts that their parents care.

Lot's of luck to you, I hope you'll stick around and let us know how things go.

 

[Antoinette]

i was pregnant at 16 and again at 18 i now am 19 and love my two little children and couldn't imagine them not being in my life. it is a big responsibility though. i moved out of home, my partner let me before my daughter as even born so i was completely on my own. i was finished school my then and i attended tafe (Child care) thankfully i was allowed to bring my children with me. i now work two jobs and am able to care for my children and meet every need they have, yes we did it very hard for a while there but i did it and now we are in a good place

I'm sure if your daughter is given the opportunities for responsibility she will surprise you. as everyone here knows when you have a baby you go VERY quickly from child to mother and you sort of just grow up. thats for me anyway when i was holding Felix in my arms i just knew he was dependent on me and i had to do everything in my power to make his life a good one.

 

[parentastic]

Guess what? I've already done all that. All along, every time, I have admitted to my mistakes and she has never once given any ground. I have tried, and tried, and tried, and what you have said here is offensive to me because it seems like you are not giving me any credit but are giving me all the blame.

I am sorry that you feel that way, mentalmum.
I can understand how what I wrote might make you feel this way, although I assure you it's not my intent.

Yes, the relationship is strained. On both sides. Yes, the trust has been shattered - I no longer trust her at all either. She has lied to me, stolen from me, done everything she can deliberately to hurt me. Relationships are two-sided, and if only one party is willing to make any movement, it's still not going to work.

This is very true. Relationships are <I>always</I> a dynamic dyad. No relationship can be seen or understood from a single person's point of view.

However, the golden rule of intervention is that you cannot change the other person in a relationship. The only point of intervention is yourself. You are the only variable that you can change in order to change the dynamic of the whole relationship.

No doubt if I was discussing with your daughter and she was telling me how she feel about you, I would tell her the exact same thing I told you: the only way <I>she </I>can change the relationship between both of you would be to act on <I>herself</I>, because it's the only part where <I>she</I> can act.

So I am hoping that I made this more clear: I am really, really not trying to put the blame on you about this. Adolescence can be hell for parents. And sometimes you can be the best parent ever, and it still is hell. But <I>yourself </I>still remains the only factor you can change to intervene on a relationship. You and your daughter are in a negative spiral. What she does provokes how you reacts, and how you react provokes how she reacts, and so on. This has been going on for years. There is no point blaming anyone; however, it is possible to change the dynamic when we recognize where the patterns are.

So thanks for your advice, but you can stick it.

Fair enough. You are welcome to take it or leave it. I am only trying to help.

What makes you think you could've helped earlier, simply by reading the two posts I've made? You know our family so well, do you? This has gone on for years and years and at every step of the way we have strived to do what is best for her. You don't know us and don't seem to have any compassion, which is what I came here for.

I have been trained to recognize relationship patterns and trained as to how to intervene to change the pattern.
I <I>might</I> have helped. Most likely, I would not have been able to. But when I read your post, it triggered my empathy and I <I>wish </I>I had been able to at least <I>try</I> to help you. That's all I meant.

Best regards,
Nicolas, Family Life Educator

 

[superman]

I agree w m2m.
Be there for her.. but be firm. Lay down the rules for her. Its gonna be a longgggg journey ahead of you.

 

[Mummytobe]

Can I ask how old she is?

I was going to ask this